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Different offices have different dynamics. Granted I'm a woman but my assistant showed me two dresses she was thinking about buying for her son's upcoming wedding. She mentioned one was out of her price range. I bought it for her as a bonus for a job well done. She cried.
A nice gesture.:)

And, an appropriate one in this case.

You gave another valuable female employee a gift; not a man, a suit.

A big difference, here.

Perception counts plenty.
 

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Different offices have different dynamics. Granted I'm a woman but my assistant showed me two dresses she was thinking about buying for her son's upcoming wedding. She mentioned one was out of her price range. I bought it for her as a bonus for a job well done. She cried.
Shhhh, no one ever just does something nice for others as a way of saying thank you for being a good employee or just because. You must be doing this because you are banging her husband 😂

But being serious, that was a really nice thing that you did for her.
 

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Staying with someone who has cheated on you for years with multiple people doesn't feel like reconciliation or learning about what a healthy marriage is. That feels more like a case of I am terrified of being alone and not being able to find someone else who respects and loves me as a spouse in marriage. Yes, I can see a married couple surviving an affair. But years of cheating with multiple people? I don't think so.
The actions before deciding to reconcile are not what makes or defines a reconciliation. It's the actions taken after deciding to reconcile. People can say they are reconciling when really, they are not. That goes for whether their spouse was a serial cheater, lived a separate life for decades, had a short term affair, had a drunken ONS, etc. The factors of the infidelity can certainly make reconciliation harder but they don't determine whether someone is or is not reconciling and bettering their marriage. And every marriage that involved infidelity was an unhealthy marriage.

There were many factors to why I decided to stay, and I have absolutely zero desire to be in another relationship if this one fails. So nope, I'm not still married out of a fear of being alone for the rest of my life.
 

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Some people including yourself may not be able to do that
Some people including yourself may not be able to accept that some others do not necessarily share their assumptions and priorities.
Some people may desire to follow your advice and not be able to.
And some other people, "able" or not, don´t find it desirable for reasons as good and high as yours.
Trully best wishes.
 

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The only reason OP thinks the bag came from the boss is because his wife says so.

neither way, it was inappropriate unless the boss asked the husband first, because the husband could have been surprising her, and the boss wouid have ruined it. Also, gay or not gay, it’s just inappropriate.
 

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I’m wondering if the problem has more to do with the fact that it was a purse, or would there be a problem if he had given her a gift card to Amazon or something as a nice gesture for doing a good job, or birthday gift etc ? A purse seems more personal so is it that specifically, or would any gift at all be considered inappropriate? (Asking the OP and the group)

If the OP’s wife’s boss is known for being generous like this with others, it might be completely harmless and just a nice gesture. I don’t know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #49 ·
I’m wondering if the problem has more to do with the fact that it was a purse, or would there be a problem if he had given her a gift card to Amazon or something as a nice gesture for doing a good job, or birthday gift etc ? A purse seems more personal so is it that specifically, or would any gift at all be considered inappropriate? (Asking the OP and the group)

If the OP’s wife’s boss is known for being generous like this with others, it might be completely harmless and just a nice gesture. I don’t know.
The purse seemed personal, in my original post I had said a cash bonus is different. Also it is the combination of after work texts and calls that make me question the appropriateness of the gift/bonus
 

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Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

And you know this because.....she told you? Or you actually SAW him with the man he's supposedly dating/committed to?

I'm only asking you this because SO many men have lied and told their wives that their work 'buddy' - the hot blond in Accounting - is a "lesbian," so she has nothing to worry about.

Guess how many of them WEREN'T really lesbians?
 

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Yet here you are, acting like you are. You are giving (horrible) advice on a topic that you know absolutely nothing about.
The man has been successfully married 17 years. I'd say he knows more about how to have a good marriage than someone with a broken one.
 

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Read the quote again. I said he knows nothing about INFIDELITY. Smh.
I don't know why you jump to that conclusion just because his successful marriage hasn't included infidelity. Nearly everyone has encountered infidelity.
 

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So my wife's boss who is a women actually sent her a purse a few months ago, probably the same price range. I in turn told my boss about it and then continued to ask him for a few days when my purse was coming.

Suffice to say I think it depends what the corporate structure is. Did everyone get stuff or just her, does she work with this guy intimately one on one or is it in meetings and stuff.

I certainly didn't see any red flags with my wife, as they are having retention problems and everyone on her team are getting stuff, half the time my wife is sending stuff out to her subordinates and asking me what I think about her gift ideas. My wife had a particularly rough cycle where a bunch of people left so she was working long hours. I know they are scared she will leave.

Also they did something on their website where they highlighted staff and that required a questionnaire that she filled out listing that she collects certain brand name bags. This brings up a good point though, see how much I know about what's going on in her work life? That is because we talk about our work life a lot as it's a big part of our lives, and it's important to me to be informed about her. I am interested in her. This also gives me an advantage because I know enough to know not to be jealous when it comes to this.

I think a good approach is to just start talking to her about this stuff, why did she get the bag, did he send a bad or something comparable to anyone else? I think you can ask enough questions that if it is inappropriate it will become pretty obvious.

Here is the thing, even if it's not a romantic gesture it still might not be appropriate. I personally believe that it's gross how my wife's work tries to bribe people with gifts while at the same time overworking them. Most of the time some trinket doesn't match the cost that she would be paid for the work if she was hourly. It's not appropriate, but this really goes into my feelings about work/life boundaries and that is a whole other issues. I know this if it was my boss, I would be like don't give me gifts give me more vacation time. That may or may not be applicable here.
 
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The purse seemed personal, in my original post I had said a cash bonus is different. Also it is the combination of after work texts and calls that make me question the appropriateness of the gift/bonus
Yea, this makes sense and the backstory about your wife plays into it, too. Context is necessary to understanding why you’re feeling the way you do.
 

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You are correct that forgiveness is necessary to reconcile, however forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. It does not mean things ever go back to "the way they were". It does not mean the BS will ever trust the WS the way they once did, which by the way does not mean they don't trust them. The trust does need to return, but it is forever changed. Boundaries are also forever changed. Infidelity changes and taints the marriage forever. That doesn't mean the couple hasn't "moved on", isn't happy, etc. It's just the way it is. It will always be part of their story.
This passage should be a sticky that is required reading for spouses considering reconciliation.
 
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Whether this is innocent or not, your wife has had a work affair before and she should know better than to accept a gift like this from another man - especially one she works with. She should also know better than to develop close relationships with colleagues again. It's not HIM you need to "have a word with about boundaries", it is your wife.

The company I work for does gift items like liquor, gift cards, date nights, various baskets, etc. These items are gifted based on a draw, not the manager's favorites, and they are generic gifts. A purse that someone has been desperately wanting is not a generic gift. There are other giveaways as well, such as $400+ headphones to fully paid overseas vacations to 5 figure bonuses, but these are given to the top sellers or a raffle between the top sellers - not the boss's favorite. There is a difference between generic gifts, raffles, and incentives, and personalized gifts given for no apparent reason.
I do agree with this. I have had lots of gay guy friends that were not interested in sex and they can be like 'girlfriends'. He might just be clueless that this was uncool to do to another man's wife. He may not know about the affair. She however, is either being insensitive at best of deceitful at worst. She is beholden to you but he is not. I would talk to her. With the past affair, it is not surprising you are on edge about this.
 

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Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?
Would you be OK if her boss was female and doing the above? They sound more like close friends than employer/employee. So, you'd probably feel fine with it if you knew he was 100% gay. But you've met his partner you said? I think if you could confirm his 100% 'gayness' you'd be fine. Not sure how you might do that though.

It was expensive, sure, but he sounds very rich so to him it would have been nothing. He also sounds very flamboyant so it's kind of 'in character' iykwim.

I also think it's normal for a BS to feel insecure because I think it's almost impossible to feel 100% secure again, no matter how much time has passed. You can't 'force' yourself to trust, you gotta feel it. But so much of that depends on WS behaviour.

It may be nothing, he's gay and she's 100% open with you about their friendship which is what it is to me. She sees him every day so whatever discomfort you're feeling isn't going to go away. No point talking to him, it's not his issue at all.

If he was straight, it would be an emotional affair, i.e. the texts and calls afterhours etc.

So this is all about his 'gayness' or not in a way. If he was female there's be no problem.

But maybe it's a sign of something else?
Just how secure do you feel? You said you will never get over it. That's a shame cos it sounds as if you are still struggling, although 3 years has passed.
Is the marriage going OK?
Are you guys happy other than this?
 
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