[bobert]

I have never seen anyone here say they think everyone is giving horrible advice. No idea where you got that, but would like to see that post.

Funny. I'd recommend looking at your posts.

The OP and spouse chose to work on their marriage after it suffered through an affair. Some people including yourself may not be able to do that and head straight to divorce court, which is ok.

Even funnier, seeing as my wife spent years banging other asshats and I'm still married to her coming up on 4 years later. What experience do you have with reconciliation, what it is like, what it takes, and how long it takes?

You are correct that forgiveness is necessary to reconcile, however forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. It does not mean things ever go back to "the way they were". It does not mean the BS will ever trust the WS the way they once did, which by the way does not mean they don't trust them. The trust does need to return, but it is forever changed. Boundaries are also forever changed. Infidelity changes and taints the marriage forever. That doesn't mean the couple hasn't "moved on", isn't happy, etc. It's just the way it is. It will always be part of their story.

A couple staying together for 3 years after D-Day doesn't mean squat. There are plenty of couples who stay together but never truly reconcile. In fact, most probably fall into that category. Based on the OP's wife's actions, they are not doing as well as you seem to think.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Funny. I'd recommend looking at your posts.


Even funnier, seeing as my wife spent years banging other asshats and I'm still married to her coming up on 4 years later. What experience do you have with reconciliation, what it is like, what it takes, and how long it takes?

You are correct that forgiveness is necessary to reconcile, however forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. It does not mean things ever go back to "the way they were". It does not mean the BS will ever trust the WS the way they once did, which by the way does not mean they don't trust them. The trust does need to return, but it is forever changed. Boundaries are also forever changed. Infidelity changes and taints the marriage forever. That doesn't mean the couple hasn't "moved on", isn't happy, etc. It's just the way it is. It will always be part of their story.

A couple staying together for 3 years after D-Day doesn't mean squat. There are plenty of couples who stay together but never truly reconcile. In fact, most probably fall into that category. Based on the OP's wife's actions, they are not doing as well as you seem to think.

No, that is not just the way it is for everyone. It might be like that for you, but you are not everyone. I am sorry for what happened to you and hope everything works out. But if you can't go back to how things were before and find you are trying to create new boundaries and watch over them all the time, then let them go and find someone who can let them be themselves and the same for yourself. We don't own our spouses and we should be able to fully trust them. It's not a good sign if you have a spouse or your spouse has to always have one eye on you.

 

[bobert]

No, that is not just the way it is for everyone. It might be like that for you, but you are not everyone. I am sorry for what happened to you and hope everything works out. But if you can't go back to how things were before and find you are trying to create new boundaries and watch over them all the time, then let them go and find someone who can let them be themselves and the same for yourself. We don't own our spouses and we should be able to fully trust them. It's not a good sign if you have a spouse or your spouse has to always have one eye on you.

Spoken by someone who has no experience with reconciliation, and clearly no knowledge of it either.

 

[ABHale]

Jim, your problem is that you didn’t divorce your cheater the one time you caught her.

Are you really buying the lie that the purse just came up in conversation?!?!

If so, can really understand why your still married to her. Just keep your head buried and you will be fine.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Spoken by someone who has no experience with reconciliation, and clearly no knowledge of it either.

I am not ashamed in the least little bit that my marriage has been free of infidelity. We have been together for over 17 years. We have learned to not hold on to anger that leads to resentment. The sex life is fantastic and we fully trust each other. I also hope that I never have to deal with infidelity either. But while I am not knowledgeable about how to deal with infidelity, I am knowledgeable about how to keep infidelity out of my marriage and that is far more valuable to me.

 

[bobert]

I am not knowledgeable about how to deal with infidelity

Yet here you are, acting like you are. You are giving (horrible) advice on a topic that you know absolutely nothing about.

 

[Marc878]

Funny. I'd recommend looking at your posts.


Even funnier, seeing as my wife spent years banging other asshats and I'm still married to her coming up on 4 years later. What experience do you have with reconciliation, what it is like, what it takes, and how long it takes?

You are correct that forgiveness is necessary to reconcile, however forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. It does not mean things ever go back to "the way they were". It does not mean the BS will ever trust the WS the way they once did, which by the way does not mean they don't trust them. The trust does need to return, but it is forever changed. Boundaries are also forever changed. Infidelity changes and taints the marriage forever. That doesn't mean the couple hasn't "moved on", isn't happy, etc. It's just the way it is. It will always be part of their story.

A couple staying together for 3 years after D-Day doesn't mean squat. There are plenty of couples who stay together but never truly reconcile. In fact, most probably fall into that category. Based on the OP's wife's actions, they are not doing as well as you seem to think.

Correct. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon either.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Yet here you are, acting like you are. You are giving (horrible) advice on a topic that you know absolutely nothing about.

Fair enough, but who are you to give marital advice when you admitted earlier in your words that your spouse spent years banging other asshats? It seems about as logical as seeking marital counseling from someone who has been divorced multiple times.

 

[bobert]

Fair enough, but who are you to give marital advice when you admitted earlier in your words that your spouse spent years banging other asshats? It seems about as logical as seeking marital counseling from someone who has been divorced multiple times.

Part of reconciliation involves learning what a healthy marriage should look like, how to make it happen, what went wrong, etc., and implementing that knowledge into your own marriage. Aka, having the knowledge and experience of both sides.

 

[Captain Obvious]

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

I think you need to have word with your wife, the person that cheated on you in the past, about boundaries, not her supposedly gay boss.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Part of reconciliation involves learning what a healthy marriage should look like, how to make it happen, what went wrong, etc., and implementing that knowledge into your own marriage. Aka, having the knowledge and experience of both sides.

Staying with someone who has cheated on you for years with multiple people doesn't feel like reconciliation or learning about what a healthy marriage is. That feels more like a case of I am terrified of being alone and not being able to find someone else who respects and loves me as a spouse in marriage. Yes, I can see a married couple surviving an affair. But years of cheating with multiple people? I don't think so.

 

[jlg07]

I have never seen anyone here say they think everyone is giving horrible advice. No idea where you got that, but would like to see that post.

The OP and spouse chose to work on their marriage after it suffered through an affair. Some people including yourself may not be able to do that and head straight to divorce court, which is ok. But again, they chose to work through it and rebuild. Part of working through something like that is forgiveness. If you can't manage to work through, forgive and move on from mistakes by your spouse whether small or big, then your marriage will not survive long term and will slowly die from anger and resentment.

Of course you are going to be emotionally wrecked and go through a phase of anger, doubt, and other emotions. I don't know the OP and the full situation, but they obviously have worked on things well enough to still be together 3 years after the affair. And that is where my advice comes in to not throw it all away because you are unable to eventually move on at some point. If you find that you absolutely cannot move on from something your spouse did, then do yourselves a favor and split up.

But I believe it's horrible advice to have a black and white perception in life. Sometimes people make really big mistakes, hit rock bottom, and change for the good. Sometimes it's a pattern and they never change. But one thing is for certain. And that is if you can't learn how to forgive, and move on whether it be in marriage, career, friends, family, etc. Then you are going to live a life filled with distrust, anger, resentment, and drive people away. This certainly doesn't mean to just forget about any wrongdoing, but do not hold on to the anger forever.

A woman who cheated on her wife with a co-worker should NEVER accept personal gifts from co-workers going forward -- EVER. She owes that to her H who gave her the gift of reconciliation.

 

[Jimhardc]

If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.

The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.

If you know he's gay, then don't worry about it, although that was very generous. Are these knock-off designer bags, by any chance? Kind of sounds like it since you said he had a friend who could get it. Or hot merchandise.

Do you have any way to check if, in fact, her boss is who gave it to her or if maybe she just said that because you know he's gay?

no not knock off just a rich person that likes to drive a different vehicle (super car) to work everyday friends with “Real House Wives“ and crowds as such. So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife

 

[Jimhardc]

she definitely hasn’t worked hard to learn how to respect you. She has NO boundaries and is willing to hurt you and the marriage.

there is NO foundation for your marriage - and that is the reason why it’s crumbling.

she hasn’t done any work to earn your trust. She really needs serious help to DO the hard work if you consider staying married! She needs to take a hard look at how SHE participates within the marriage and the harm she is causing to you and the union.

if she doesn’t intend to learn to DO better - then divorce her.

side note - what evidence do you have that her boss is gay? Her word? Or more than her word?

Met his b/f or husband at Xmas party

 

[DownByTheRiver]

no not knock off just a rich person that likes to drive a different vehicle (super car) to work everyday friends with “Real House Wives“ and crowds as such. So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife

If you're sure that's where she got it and not some other guy gave it to her or she spent the money herself or whatever.

 

[DudeInProgress]

If you're sure that's where she got it and not some other guy gave it to her or she spent the money herself or whatever.

Astute question

 

[D0nnivain]

The optics are terrible here. Your wife who strayed before is now accepting an expensive gift from her boss. I understand why you are concerned. She was wrong to accept such a gift. It's too personal.

Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

Don't you dare. This is her work. You showing up to fight her battles will be seen as inappropriate by the boss & could undermine his confidence in his employee's judgment & decision making.

Especially since the boss is gay I'm going to go with this was a nice, but inappropriate gesture, not an come on. Still maybe it's time for her to work somewhere else where the lines aren't so blurry.

 

[Beach123]

It’s odd, I’ve never ever told any boss that I want a purse. Your wife shared too much of her personal life with people.
She has boundary problems. When are you going to require her to work on that problem in order to continue the marriage?

 

[D0nnivain]

It’s odd, I’ve never ever told any boss that I want a purse. Your wife shared too much of her personal life with people.
She has boundary problems. When are you going to require her to work on that problem in order to continue the marriage?

Different offices have different dynamics. Granted I'm a woman but my assistant showed me two dresses she was thinking about buying for her son's upcoming wedding. She mentioned one was out of her price range. I bought it for her as a bonus for a job well done. She cried.

 

[SunCMars]

no not knock off just a rich person that likes to drive a different vehicle (super car) to work everyday friends with “Real House Wives“ and crowds as such. So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife

Hence, the doubt that he is a safe person/employer.

From what you have just described, he sounds like the ultimate wealthy player.

All genital types are in danger of being manipulated and selfishly stroked when he is around.

The boss is not that bad boy, no, he is the overly indulgent, and decadent predator, flaunting his expensive baubles.
His wealth has given him confidence and much practice in scoring over his 'perceived' lessers.

Ah, likely that super spreader of sperm and STD's.

I suspect that your wife is giving off vibes that she is eager to please and that she is vulnerable.

She is in awe of the man, and soon to be saying, Oh' man, I have been diiked and duped.

She needs to quit this job.