[Jimhardc]

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

 

[blackclover3]

I'm a guy who works in senior management for years

1- this is not appropriate and the guy could get fired for it
2- the guy is digging himself around your wife to sleep with her. yes even if he is gay
3- they may be already been sleeping together - think, why would someone buy expensive purse? why would she even tell him what bag she is likes?
what is next? buy her shoes then underwear

the words should not be with him, it should be with your wife.

 

[Jimhardc]

Fired no sued, maybe he’s the owner of said company. I would not have told her I felt it was inappropriate had all of these things gone through my mind.

 

[blackclover3]

Fired no sued maybe he’s the owner on said company. I would not have told her I felt it was inappropriate had all of these things gone through my mind.

owner of the company umm then this is difficult to judge - does he do that with everyone? if not, then there is something between them.

dont let your guard down - and follow your gut feelings.

put yourself in his shoes, would you buy someone an expensive purse unless you are sleeping or planning to sleep with?

he could've rewarded her with a cash money or gift card

 

[Evinrude58]

Classic cheater deflection: he’s gay, he’s ugliness, he’s old, he’s whatever.
No you’re not overreacting. Any man that’s raised properly knows you never give an expensive gift to another man’s wife. Especially without asking if the spouse is ok with it…… and they shouldn’t be.

btw, she says the boss got it for her. Cheaters lie. She’s a known liar and cheat.
You’re crazy to believe anything she says.

 

[Diana7]

Never heard of that happening before. Is he generous with others there as well?

 

[bygone]

It is difficult to interpret without knowing the wife's position in the company and her relationship with the boss.

If you share your passwords, you can do a small check.

their messaging is more important, you should see how private they are outside of work.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.

The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.

 

[Diana7]

If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.

The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.

This was a purse that costs a lot of money though.

 

[QuietGuy]

A wife that has been unfaithful should know better than to accept an expensive gift from another man - especially someone she works with. I would be uncomfortable with this even without the previous cheating. You should tell her how you are feeling and discuss boundaries with her. She is in a relationship with you. It is up to her to maintain appropriate boundaries, not her boss.

 

[frusdil]

Nope, you're not overreacting at all.

She either gives the purse back, or you personally hand him the money with the strong message that if anyone buys your wife personal items, it will be you.

 

[GusPolinski]

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

Ehh… I dunno. It kind of sounds like he’s one of her girlfriends or something.

Still, I’d keep my ears and eyes open and mouth shut.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

If you know he's gay, then don't worry about it, although that was very generous. Are these knock-off designer bags, by any chance? Kind of sounds like it since you said he had a friend who could get it. Or hot merchandise.

Do you have any way to check if, in fact, her boss is who gave it to her or if maybe she just said that because you know he's gay?

 

[bobert]

If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.

The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.

Just be very careful about the advice you receive here.

Yes, do be very careful about the advice you receive here. Some people think everyone else gives horrible advice, but they really need to look in the mirror. "Forgive and forget" is absolutely horrible advice, especially when it comes to infidelity - which is not a "mistake".

 

[Marc878]

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

Your wife is the problem not her boss. Obviously she didn’t learn much.

 

[*Deidre*]

If it makes you uncomfortable, she should give the purse back. It’s not an unreasonable request. I don’t know if there are any bad motives necessarily behind the purse but again, if you’re uncomfortable with it, then she should return it, especially with the backstory of her having a past affair.

You shouldn’t need to step in and have a conversation with her boss, it’s your wife who needs to simply set up boundaries.

 

[bobert]

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?

Whether this is innocent or not, your wife has had a work affair before and she should know better than to accept a gift like this from another man - especially one she works with. She should also know better than to develop close relationships with colleagues again. It's not HIM you need to "have a word with about boundaries", it is your wife.

The company I work for does gift items like liquor, gift cards, date nights, various baskets, etc. These items are gifted based on a draw, not the manager's favorites, and they are generic gifts. A purse that someone has been desperately wanting is not a generic gift. There are other giveaways as well, such as $400+ headphones to fully paid overseas vacations to 5 figure bonuses, but these are given to the top sellers or a raffle between the top sellers - not the boss's favorite. There is a difference between generic gifts, raffles, and incentives, and personalized gifts given for no apparent reason.

 

[ShatteredKat]

Jimhardc

First order of business for YOU is for YOU to work on yourself. What you posted says to me you don't understand boundaries.
and
You have only slight discomfort with your wife's activities with respect to her boss.

You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and immediately follow up with "Not Just Friends." If have read them, read again as you don't appear to have learned the lessons.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Yes, do be very careful about the advice you receive here. Some people think everyone else gives horrible advice, but they really need to look in the mirror. "Forgive and forget" is absolutely horrible advice, especially when it comes to infidelity - which is not a "mistake".

I have never seen anyone here say they think everyone is giving horrible advice. No idea where you got that, but would like to see that post.

The OP and spouse chose to work on their marriage after it suffered through an affair. Some people including yourself may not be able to do that and head straight to divorce court, which is ok. But again, they chose to work through it and rebuild. Part of working through something like that is forgiveness. If you can't manage to work through, forgive and move on from mistakes by your spouse whether small or big, then your marriage will not survive long term and will slowly die from anger and resentment.

Of course you are going to be emotionally wrecked and go through a phase of anger, doubt, and other emotions. I don't know the OP and the full situation, but they obviously have worked on things well enough to still be together 3 years after the affair. And that is where my advice comes in to not throw it all away because you are unable to eventually move on at some point. If you find that you absolutely cannot move on from something your spouse did, then do yourselves a favor and split up.

But I believe it's horrible advice to have a black and white perception in life. Sometimes people make really big mistakes, hit rock bottom, and change for the good. Sometimes it's a pattern and they never change. But one thing is for certain. And that is if you can't learn how to forgive, and move on whether it be in marriage, career, friends, family, etc. Then you are going to live a life filled with distrust, anger, resentment, and drive people away. This certainly doesn't mean to just forget about any wrongdoing, but do not hold on to the anger forever.

 

[Beach123]

Your wife is the problem not her boss. Obviously she didn’t learn much.

she definitely hasn’t worked hard to learn how to respect you. She has NO boundaries and is willing to hurt you and the marriage.

there is NO foundation for your marriage - and that is the reason why it’s crumbling.

she hasn’t done any work to earn your trust. She really needs serious help to DO the hard work if you consider staying married! She needs to take a hard look at how SHE participates within the marriage and the harm she is causing to you and the union.

if she doesn’t intend to learn to DO better - then divorce her.

side note - what evidence do you have that her boss is gay? Her word? Or more than her word?