Talk About Marriage banner

I’m going to lose my mind

2K views 34 replies 14 participants last post by  ArthurGPym 
#1 ·
I don‘t know what gave me to the urge to get back into my husband phone after a year. I’d been through it already. But I got into it again today Again. I’d seen a call placed to his bf from childhood who is like a brother to me too.. I never hit the details but they talked for almost twenty minutes before he killed himself.

This was after an exchange of texts where my husband told him he loved him and always would, to which he asked what was going on and my husband told him he was tired and done and to make sure his sons ashes were with him. He then proceeded to text my husband that he should never talk like that. That if he wanted to fix things whatever it was he could. My husband responded with and FU.

About 2 hours later the phone call is made to his bf and they talked. HE NEVER told me. Obviously he probably feels guilty I’d imagine but I need to know what he was saying, even if it was “I hate her guts”… I don’t care. I’m losing my mind now. It’s like the letter I tore the house apart looking for.. it’s as if he has it.

I text him and no response. He always responds to me immediately. I get a t if he has guilt or maybe he’s trying to protect me. He did always try to talk to my husband about his actions and when he was being stupid. But… this is just wrecking me right now. Like I have no sense about anything.

I know y’all are probably sick of hearing All this. I do understand I can’t go back, I know this and 9 days out of 10 I’m not looking back. This though.. This stirred something in me I can’t even begin to let go of. I get it if he feels bad, like i
he wasn’t taking him serious. I get that, I don’t blame him. But right now this feels intentional and I am desperate to know what his last frame of mind was. I can’t believe he’d withhold that from me.
 
See less See more
#3 ·
I don't understand this post
My husband committed suicide last year. He had an almost 20 phone conversation with his best friend in another state after he’d sent him messages saying his goodbye essentially.

I just found this out today. His best friend never said anything to me about it. To me it’s like his last moments, I’m desperate to know the things he was saying Is all. And I’m bother his bf has never mentioned anything. He has made it seem like he had no clue. That just can’t be the case given the text exchanges between them before the phone call. And it’s Not that it matters, its just me knowing his frame of mind is all.
 
#6 ·
If he knows why she want to talk with him, and his guilt is potentially beyond immense... is she really ready to essentially forgive him? He's possibly traumatized himself. You'd almost hope that's the case; otherwise what sort of unfeeling person would he be? I think @Bullfrog1987 should talk with a therapist first, so she can better understand where her husband's best friend might be coming from.

This is one of the saddest stories I've read on TAM.
 
#5 ·
@Bullfrog1987 I can't empathize because I can't really even imagine your scenario. But I can offer you all the compassion I have in my heart. This must be heart-wrenching for you. You're looking for a sense of closure, and it's not there. You wonder why your husband's best friend didn't call and tell you that your husband was talking about killing himself, with a definite sense of immediacy. You can't help but feel things might have been different, had your husband's best friend alerted you. At least there would have been a chance.

Your post is hitting me really hard. Please, seek trauma counseling. I'm trying to recall if you already had. This is not something that's going to get better, if you try to work it on your own. That much I know. You need to find a way to be at peace with things and move on. It feels like you're heading in the opposite direction, and I totally do understand the why of that.
 
#11 ·
I can relate to you being imprisoned inside your head about this. I've been there and am there now. Feeling I failed my Mother and let her walk on alone was part of my problem earlier.

What sort of therapy are you in? I've been working with a shrink that does talk therapy. She is good for being able to get things out that I've kept hidden for years, but not so much for making a plan to deal with things. I'm scheduled to see a psychologist in two weeks and am hoping to make a plan.

In the meantime, I look forward to massage as it really clears my head while I'm waiting for a permanent fix. If you haven't tried massage as a way to break the constant drum beat, I recommend it highly. Go to a serious massage therapist not working in a chiropractor office or something.
 
#15 ·
You'll need to make it very clear to the psychologist (or therapist) that you're looking to them to come up with answers, not you. That you're looking for guidance. Because so much of the thinking today is all about "The patient already has the answers, you just have to listen to them." While this may actually be true, it's off-putting to a lot of people, and possibly yourself. In that even, "Talk" therapy can come across as just that... "talk" and no action.
 
#13 ·
Sister, do you think he loved you? You lived with the guy....what is your gut feeling?

My ex is very surface and phony. He probably loved me on some level, but I think he mostly loved the image I provided. He once said, in a brief moment of candor, that he married ne because he thought I was the best he was going to do. He was all about phony images.

But he didn't tell me anything I didn't know. Even if a friend of his told me he loved me I'm not sure I'd believe him because I lived with him and I sensed the way he was with me.

What do you feel in your gut? That's probably worth more then what you're going to get from his friend. By all means talk to him, just always keep your gut in mind.
 
#17 ·
Yes I do believe he loved me. I don’t think he loved me more than himself
of course. That’s probably clear as day to most. And you’re 💯 right. I think I just had a moment of panic, a moment of grief and it had to pass. I’m not in intense therapy and yes given this post and its sudden onset I can understand why some would think I need that.

The therapist I have is very good. I’m happy with my progress.
 
#14 ·
I don‘t know what gave me to the urge to get back into my husband phone after a year. I’d been through it already. But I got into it again today Again. I’d seen a call placed to his bf from childhood who is like a brother to me too.. I never hit the details but they talked for almost twenty minutes before he killed himself.

This was after an exchange of texts where my husband told him he loved him and always would, to which he asked what was going on and my husband told him he was tired and done and to make sure his sons ashes were with him. He then proceeded to text my husband that he should never talk like that. That if he wanted to fix things whatever it was he could. My husband responded with and FU.

About 2 hours later the phone call is made to his bf and they talked. HE NEVER told me. Obviously he probably feels guilty I’d imagine but I need to know what he was saying, even if it was “I hate her guts”… I don’t care. I’m losing my mind now. It’s like the letter I tore the house apart looking for.. it’s as if he has it.

I text him and no response. He always responds to me immediately. I get a t if he has guilt or maybe he’s trying to protect me. He did always try to talk to my husband about his actions and when he was being stupid. But… this is just wrecking me right now. Like I have no sense about anything.

I know y’all are probably sick of hearing All this. I do understand I can’t go back, I know this and 9 days out of 10 I’m not looking back. This though.. This stirred something in me I can’t even begin to let go of. I get it if he feels bad, like i
he wasn’t taking him serious. I get that, I don’t blame him. But right now this feels intentional and I am desperate to know what his last frame of mind was. I can’t believe he’d withhold that from me.
I'm so sorry you're going through that hell again. I don't think knowing the conversation will help you at all. By its very nature, suicide is irrational and is the by-product of a mind that is eating itself. There's nothing to learn. My mother and sister both committed suicide when I was younger (not at the same time) and both left notes to me specifically. They brought me no peace or understanding whatsoever. They both just seemed like they were efforts to reinforce what they'd already decided to do, and placed the burden on us who get to live the rest of our lives wondering what we would have said if they had spoken to us. I suspect your friend will forever be haunted by that (even if he doesn't admit it) and probably wants to be as distant from it as possible.
 
#20 ·
This is so awful. I hope and pray you can heal and get some peace soon. My baby brother may have committed suicide. We're not sure if he fell off the cliff or jumped.
He was a depressive though.
I was a mess and went into deep depression for about 6 months. Perhaps the thing that helped me the most, was joining a bereavement group.
The healing power of sharing your grief with others who are going through the same thing is quite remarkable.
I too tried individual therapy, but I found the bereavement group better for me.
 
#21 ·
This is so awful. I hope and pray you can heal and get some peace soon. My baby brother may have committed suicide. We're not sure if he fell off the cliff or jumped.
He was a depressive though.
I was a mess and went into deep depression for about 6 months. Perhaps the thing that helped me the most, was joining a bereavement group.
The healing power of sharing your grief with others who are going through the same thing is quite remarkable.
I too tried individual therapy, but I found the bereavement group better for me.
Very sorry to hear this as well. Any other way but suicide and I think I could have coped better. Anything else.

And I am coping, and I know I’m doing better than most because I’m a practical person, a realist. Some days however, something just creeps in that eats me raw and this was one of those things today. And so close to last week when I was feeling guilt. (I did just start TMI? Lol) I’m thinking there’s some of my issue too.
 
#27 ·
My husband drank himself to death also. Granted we had been separated/divorced for a while but I was madly in love with him. I got rid of all the triggers, cell phone, ipad, etc. I never opened them or looked at them and I'm so glad I didn't. It's been 2 years and if i had those things it would be super triggers. I know it's probably avoidance but it really worked for me.
 
#28 ·
I had already been in his phone, I don’t know where this Came from piecing things together that really are nothing. His BF still hasn’t called, I believe his text when he says that he didn’t say anything eluding to what was about to take place, he was probably down playing the texts he had sent him earlier. He did the same thing with his son when I called him, “oh I’ll call him (meaning son) and tell him he doesn’t have anything to worry about.”

Anyway, I have parted with things somewhat, but i don’t want to flippantly get rid of things in case my son had a desire to have, his wallet with their picture engraved on the outer leather, his watches, his hat. Idk. I got rid of a bunch, donated a bunch of these that were just senseless to waste. I don’t really have triggers, the way our house used to smell bothered me so I fixed that. Otherwise, I am a face it and get it over with girl. It’s just harder when facing it once isn’t enough and my mind sends me on revisits.
 
#31 ·
He never called last night. I did send him the following message after calming down.

“Ok. I'm sorry. I was having a fine day and then... I don't know.. I'm trying to piece something together that I know I can't. I need to stop. I know this. I didn't mean to be accusatory. I'm just desperate to understand and I know there is no reasonable explanation. I know this.

I love him and I miss him. I miss him so much. The thought of feeling this bad the rest of my life is exhausting. It's like if I solve the puzzle I can move on. But I can't do either and it makes me crazier than I am on an average day sometimes and today was that day.”

It’s all I could do. I believe him when he said he didn’t say anything about taking his life during their call, if anything he was down playing all the texts he had sent out just like he did when k question him about what he was saying to his own son. ”I’ll call him, he doesn’t have anything to worry about.” He said calmly (drunkenly) but calmly to me. He said he also didn’t say anything about me. So.

I’m better this morning and I appreciate the consoling here y’all provided.
 
#32 ·
Woulda, coulda, shoulda. I’ll tear you apart. It’s an endless circle, like a cyclone that will drag you down to the point where you can’t get out. As you said yourself, there are no answers. The more you search, you find more questions not answers.

im so sorry for you loss and all that you’re going through. My husband passed 7 years ago. He did not take his life. I was so lost. I had so many questions. I had so much guilt, that I may have been able to prevent it. Once I made the decision to just accept it and focus on the present and the future, I was able to move forward.

I saw a therapist for awhile, but my greatest support came from grief support groups. The best was a group who had lost their spouses/partners and we would just talk, listen, and share are experiences. You should continue to see your therapis, however, you my want to find additional support groups.

wishing you peace on your journey
 
#34 ·
I'm sorry you are going through this.

The more I read your other threads the more I am convinced your husband had an undiagnosed mental illness that reached a tipping point.
His illness was he was sexually abused as a child and refused to talk about it with anyone, actually going out of his way to skirt around it in therapy and he was an alcoholic.

Functional depression. Maybe.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top