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We recently had a discussion about him either needing to pay rent or help with farm maintenance and I can tell that he seems resentful about it because he wants to be able to work on his cars and take it easy on his 3 days off. I get it, and I really try not to ask too much. When he does help, he won’t do much on his own.. like I have to be there to fetch stuff etc., when he is perfectly capable of doing it alone (like I do most of the time) instead of me being able to work on other projects that only I’m capable of doing and he does it begrudgingly and acts totally put out especially when I’m on a deadline (fighting against the weather and no, I can’t wait and leave hazards laying around from half finished projects for horses to get hurt on) so I can’t wait till he feels like doing it.
So you've got a deadbeat boyfriend who EXPECTS a free ride at your place and on your dime for doing the absolute bare minimum, I guess he thinks he's so much of a prize that his mere presence alone should be enough for you.

If I may ask, what is so SPECIAL about a guy who takes advantage of a woman and just like a PARASITE, feeds on his 'host' and uses her for a free ride? What could you possibly find appealing or attractive about that?
I’d love to have a shop where he can work on his cars, I can pop in, grope him a little and be on my merry way... if I need a few minutes of help with something heavy he’s there and take 5-10min of his day I’d be happy. At the same time, I’m happy to help him too if I can (I don’t know much about cars though... and what I do know is mostly about diesels).
I see by one of your subsequent posts, you're all about pandering to this guy instead of demanding the respect you deserve, because rather than face what he really is and kick his worthless, parasitic ass out the front door, you're thinking of MORE ways to give give give while he takes takes takes. :)

Your new boyfriend, who used to be your ex’s friend that helped him with the farm work saw this, and does not want that to happen to him. I do not blame him.
I might be inclined to agree that a DECENT guy might have to worry about this. However, the guy in question has been living there for 6 months and not contributing anything. All he wants to do is live for FREE there and have the OP cater to him while he doest NOTHING except play with his cars on the days he's not working or after work.

The guy is a selfish loser, OP. Why are you letting a man take advantage of you? Do you honestly think you don't deserve anyone better than this parasite?
SheStillGotIt...I usually get a kick out of your snarky post but believe you are way off base on this one. The guy does NOT want to be a farm hand. Why is that wrong? Why does that make him a loser?

The OP has been struggling for years trying to make a go of things, it in part ruined her first marriage, it is ruining her health, it has put her in a financial hole. She even had to bring her parents in to help cover her bills, the poor folks should be enjoying their senior years, NOT still carrying their kid.

I think the boyfriend is smart enough to know that NO amount of work is going to solve the problems. He is there to see her (bless him), he doesn't need to sponge off her, he has his own home, his own job, and his own hobbies. He does help out, but it's never going to be enough for the OP.

Cashybum I think your passion has become obsession. I told you this long ago in one of your post, very very few people ever make real money in the horse world. Have you done the math at what it will take to pay off your arena? How many lessons a day for how many years? Have you done the math as to what the business needs to generate real cash flow? Have you ever sat down with a financial advisor and looked at your future? Put a financial plan together with goals and time lines?

Bottom line OP you are looking for help, physical and financial. Yes there is some sucker out there that would let you drag them into the muck of your life, but your current boyfriend is too smart for that.
 

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SheStillGotIt...I usually get a kick out of your snarky post but believe you are way off base on this one. The guy does NOT want to be a farm hand. Why is that wrong? Why does that make him a loser?
I hear you, Cooper and in truth, I wouldn't want to be a farmhand either. And since he doesn't want to be a farmhand, that doesn't entitle him to be living on the farm for free for the last 6 months, sitting on his dead ass watching his girlfriend bust her butt working her tail off every single day while he does nothing.

He's not contributing FINANCIALLY. He's letting the OP - who is already struggling - be responsible for 98% of the bills (with help from her parents). Big whoop - he's occasionally picked up food and paid for it (how big of him) so that's why the OP says she's responsible for 98% of the bills. He's got his own place but his roommate is paying half the mortgage and likely the utility bills if the guy wants heat and lights, so Mr. Wonderful has NO EXCUSE to be mooching off the OP whether he has someone paying half his mortgage or not. And if he can't afford to financially contribute, then he should be working on the farm to contribute to his room and board. The guy thinks he lives at a freakin' hotel because everything is just magically done for him or handed to him and he has to do precious little - and pay nothing - in order to have it handed to him. But that's the OP's fault for pandering to him. But it still says a whole LOT about his complete lack of character.

Like I said, I don't blame him for not wanting to be a farmhand. But I WILL blame him for being a damned mooch taking advantage of a sickly woman whose been overly generous towards his lazy ass for far too long while he's contributed nothing in return and has done only the barest minimum to help out only because the OP had to make a stink about it.

The OP has been struggling for years trying to make a go of things, it in part ruined her first marriage, it is ruining her health, it has put her in a financial hole. She even had to bring her parents in to help cover her bills, the poor folks should be enjoying their senior years, NOT still carrying their kid.
I agree 100% that this farm seems to have sapped the OP dry and is slowly doing her in. Sometimes you have to know when to fold your cards and walk away from the table. I couldn't agree more.

I think the boyfriend is smart enough to know that NO amount of work is going to solve the problems. He is there to see her (bless him), he doesn't need to sponge off her, he has his own home, his own job, and his own hobbies. He does help out, but it's never going to be enough for the OP.
If he doesn't "need" to sponge off her, then why IS he? The only thing he's 'smart' enough to know is how to take advantage of a woman who seems to want him around no matter how disrespectful he's been toward her, letting her pay all the bills and do all the work while he sits on his dead ass or plays with his cars and lets her do everything.

When you have to have a Come to Jesus talk with some guy and tell him he's got to start contributing or get the hell out (like the OP had to do with Mr. Wonderful) what does that TELL you about his character????

While you say her boyfriend is 'too smart' to be dragged into her mess, it reminds me of the joke people say when someone bums a cigarette off them. They say, "oh, you didn't stop SMOKING cigarettes, you just stopped BUYING cigarettes." That's the same kind of logic you can say about her boyfriend - he doesn't want to be farmhand, but he sure as hell doesn't mind living on the farm and taking full advantage of everything he's getting from it.

And that's why I say he's a loser. Any supposed man who continually mooches off a woman when he knows she's struggling financially and he knows her health is compromised and she's having a hard time physically, yet expects everything to be done FOR him while he contributes nothing, is a Class A loser.
 

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If he doesn't want to be a farm hand then he has no business living with a woman who owns one. It's part of the package. Just as a corporate executive will have occasion to request the spouse's presence at corporate events - it's part of the package.

I'm sure he'll have no problem finding someone else to house and care for his dogs since his own home can't accommodate them.

He is using her.
 

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The OP is obviously getting something out of the relationship or she would have kicked him and his dogs out. If she is so resentful of him yet let's him continue to stay I would say she is using him to her benefit as well. I would love to hear his side of the story. I'm not saying that he should live and eat there without contributing, but what would be enough for the OP? Where do you draw the line between fair cohabitation splitting expenses as opposed to supporting HER business? I think she expects both.

Regardless of how us on TAM want to interperate the story...bottom line the OP is feeling unsupported....so why not kick the guy to the curb? If the loser literally brings nothing to the table but takes, takes, takes why does she hold on? I don't think it's because of love, I think it's because of need.
 

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This is really messy, simply because your business is at your home and the lines between "household" chores and "business" chores are blurred, and he is a boyfriend that has come into your life with an existing business. If you are married, and you both decide to run a business (or one of you marries into an existing business) you are both financially invested and personally invested. It is something you both need to work at to succeed, even if one or both have a separate full time job. You need to keep your business separate! If he needs to help around "the house" to earn his keep, doing some laundry, helping with dinners, cleaning, mowing the front lawn, that's all fine. But you are resenting him for not helping with emergencies that might crop up and for general things that need doing for the business!

I am going to use the "store" example another poster mentioned, and I actually used to own one so I know the "emergencies" that can crop up. "This employee is sick, this one just had a death in the family, the freezer is broken and ice cream is melting everywhere, the cash register isn't working, a car just drove into the building!" Would you expect your "boyfriend" to drop what he is doing to respond to these emergencies? I should hope not, because it is your business, only you are financially invested in it. He could help out of the goodness of his heart if he decides, but it absolutely should not be expected of him. If he was your husband, then that is different, because he is equally invested in it and has agreed to be equally invested in it!

My personal opinion, because this is obviously causing you stress, and I can't see anything ever improving, is you need to define your relationship. If you both want to be together for the rest of your lives, then he needs to agree to be equally invested in your business, sell his house and move in permanently with you. Otherwise, if you guys want to remain boyfriend/girlfriend, he needs to go back to his house after working a 10hr shift, since he is sleeping anyways when you finish your day, and you guys make plans to see each other on his days off. And you cannot expect him to help with your business. (and if he decides to help sometimes because he wants too...fine, but there are NO expectations)

You need to remove these blurry lines!
 

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If he doesn't want to be a farm hand then he has no business living with a woman who owns one. It's part of the package. Just as a corporate executive will have occasion to request the spouse's presence at corporate events - it's part of the package.

I'm sure he'll have no problem finding someone else to house and care for his dogs since his own home can't accommodate them.

He is using her.
The boyfriend has a full time job and his own home that he pays a mortgage on. Although the back yard is small by comparison to her farm, it was big enough for his dogs for the many years before he became her boyfriend, and is big enough today that they still go home to it when the boyfriend does. The only reason that the boyfriend stays more at her home instead of them staying more at his home is out of convenience to her, since she cannot be away from her farm. I would guess that given a choice, he would prefer that they stay at his place instead of hers so that he could work on his cars more.

As for your comment that “Just as a corporate executive will have occasion to request the spouse's presence at corporate events - it's part of the package”, you cannot compare the two. “On occasion” going to a corporate event, is an order of magnitude less work than what the OP is expecting from the boyfriend. As it stands now the boyfriend is helping out, just not enough to meet the OP’s unreasonable expectations. She is also not just asking him to join her as she works, like a corporate exec asks a spouse to join him at a function, the boyfriend is already doing that now, she is complaining that boyfriend will not go off on his own to do farm work. That would be like a corporate exec asking someone that he is dating to go to his office when he is not there to do some of his work. Also, the spouse of a corporate exec is building a business where the spouse would expect to get half of the financial benefit. As her ex found out with the boyfriend watching, she does not share, as she said the equivalent of no matter how hard the ex spouse worked “it is mine, all mine”.

Image if she had a non-farm job and a non-farm home, and she stayed at his house more so that he could work on his cars. Would it make sense for him to tell her that she either needs to pay rent or work harder on his cars? That is what the OP is unreasonably expecting from the boyfriend.

The OP burned out her ex, and she will burn out her boyfriend. Once the boyfriend dumps her because he does not want to be her unpaid farm hand, and without her ex to exploit for free labor for a farm that is 100% hers, she will be in the same financial bind that she is now, but instead of getting at least some help from a boyfriend that does some work and keeps her company, she will be alone and get no help at all. Encouraging her current course of action concerning her boyfriend, is doing her no favor, because at the end of the day she will be worse off. If she cannot support her farm without free labor, she needs to accept the reality that the business is unsustainable long term before it further damages her life and health.
 

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Discussion Starter #107
This is an excellent post. Pretty telling actually. When you put it this way if I were him I would just pay rent. Between OP and her parents the farm will never be his, he will always just be a worker. Not sure I would want that deal.

Thread winner right here.


This is in the top 3 reasons I’ve put up with the situation for so long. I’m terrified of being put in the situation of losing my farm due to a marriage/relationship. I try to treat people as I want to be treated, and I don’t want him to feel like he would walk away empty handed either if the relationship didn’t work out. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to work on something that isn’t theirs.

If we got married, Texas law says you keep what you had before the marriage (as a general rule). If he contributed to the mortgage, home improvements ect.. he would be entitled to recoup some of that. I don’t know how we could make things whole if we didn’t work out.

We both share this fear, but I admit that I’m more fearful, as I’ve been in that position once before and have a lot more at stake. He hasn’t really been in a long term relationship before me, and that also worries me. I know no relationship is without risks and the longer I’ve been divorced, the more I’m starting to accept that, and be more open to it. I know which mistakes I made in my last marriage and how I can change. HOWEVER, I’d like a little more reassurance that he can live this lifestyle. At times it is A LOT of work... The stupid autoimmune stuff is unpredictable and with that probably comes a bit of added risk for him but I can’t abandon my lifestyle based on what might happen. It could just as easily be a minor annoyance as it can by life threatening. I figure I can cross that bridge when I come to it. I would like to know he has my back if something comes up (to a reasonable degree). I do have hired helpers to feed and clean stalls, but there WILL BE times when no one is available to help out and I’m super sick or injured.

We’ve discussed this before... I told him what my expectations are, and told him that if he doesn’t want this life, I won’t hate him for it... just be honest with me. I know it’s difficult to determine when you love someone but don’t know if your lives will fit well. I don’t want to grow to hate him later on either. We’ve known each other for many years and he knows what my life is like better than anyone else. He knows I’m not willing to change my lifestyle anytime in the near future. Am I being unreasonable? That’s what I love about the forums, sometimes I don’t know if I am or not lol!






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Discussion Starter #108
@OP: You said that your “boyfriend helped my ex out more! (They used to be friends... yes i know it sounds awful)”. You also said that your ex “got burned out and went totally crazy”. Did part of what you call your ex being crazy for, involve him asking if you and his then friend (your now boyfriend) were in a relationship, either emotional, physical, or both? If so, being completely honest in looking back, was there any truth to this suspicion? In relations to your boyfriend, I have a good reason in asking this.


My ex went crazy because he worked really hard and just got burnt out. We built our facility from scratch. We were both very ambitious. We were almost to a point where we could finally calm down on the barn stuff, but he couldn’t hold out any longer and wanted his “pay off” now.. and started buying whatever he wanted for himself without any regard for my opinion (motorcycles, guns, boats, strippers, etc). Oddly he never had an issue with my now boyfriend (which actually kind of bothered me. It made me feel like he didn’t care). He only had a problem with the now bf when bf and I continued to be friends after the ex moved out. I actually went on dates with other people before bf and I decided to date.


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What do you love about him? What are the things he does that made you want to choose him as a life partner? All I'm hearing is about him working on the farm. I think your bf is being very prudent and evaluating the situation. It shows in these posts at least to me, that your passion and energy and love is all for the farm. Your bf is deciding whether or not he can live with that. His value to you seems to be his ability to work. Because this isn't really how you speak about someone you want to marry. When you get married you have to adjust your life some, and you usually want to. You want to be partners. It sounds like he is just joining your life and helping you.
 

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We built our facility from scratch.
What does this mean? Your farm? So if I am understanding you correctly you built the farm together and then he wanted to sell it because he couldn't work that hard any more but you said no. Did he get anything from his hard work at all? Like did you at least buy him out for half?

How long after your divorce did the romantic relationship start with his friend? Are they still friends? What was the timing of all this?
 

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If he doesn't want to be a farm hand then he has no business living with a woman who owns one. It's part of the package. Just as a corporate executive will have occasion to request the spouse's presence at corporate events - it's part of the package.

I'm sure he'll have no problem finding someone else to house and care for his dogs since his own home can't accommodate them.

He is using her.
She physically can't leave the farm. If he wants to see her, he has to go there period. I know the lifestyle, I grew up in it. You can't leave, you can't take vacations or even really go on dates. She would be horrified if he asked her to go on a cruise or chill on the beach with margaritas for a weekend. She literally can't do it.
 

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I would like to know he has my back if something comes up (to a reasonable degree). I do have hired helpers to feed and clean stalls, but there WILL BE times when no one is available to help out and I’m super sick or injured.

We’ve discussed this before... I told him what my expectations are, and told him that if he doesn’t want this life, I won’t hate him for it... just be honest with me. I know it’s difficult to determine when you love someone but don’t know if your lives will fit well. I don’t want to grow to hate him later on either. We’ve known each other for many years and he knows what my life is like better than anyone else. He knows I’m not willing to change my lifestyle anytime in the near future. Am I being unreasonable? That’s what I love about the forums, sometimes I don’t know if I am or not lol!
What do you think is in it for him. From your words he doesn't get any ownership in the farm. You won't sell it even if you can't take care of it. But you want him to step up and do the work you can't.

Like the post before would you feel this way if it was a restaurant? The only difference I see is he is living in a place you could use for rent. :yawn2: Make him pay rent.
 

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Discussion Starter #113
My advice is to sell the farm while real estate is high and go do something else, move, whatever that will be easier on your health. Your story was similar to my ex wife’s, she and my kids struggled to handle our farm after we divorced. Last year, she sold it and had enough money to buy outright a new smaller house in town. I was upset initially but thankful after she did. My kids had a great younger childhood, but they were exhausted. Now, they have a good life.


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And do what? It’s crossed my mind plenty of times but I can’t move very far because of my son and if I sell the farm, my ex gets to pick his school within a 50 mile radius of the current location. Driving even 30 miles twice a day, 4 days a week? Yikes! What career could I have that accommodates that schedule and pays enough for me to board a horse? Horses are me. It’s who I am and what I’m good at.

Yes it’s a great seller’s market.. my area is rapidly developing and my property value has gone through the roof! With that being said, that’s also good for business too. I’m already one of two barns in a pretty wide radius and once my farm is put back together, I can raise my rates significantly. I’m soooo close to my goals (The lifestyle I want and not as much work.. ability to earn passive income etc..) I can’t give up now.


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If you're honest, your bf isn't really a priority to you. Not judging you, but that's just an observation on my part. You have a very full life, and still have your mind on your ex a lot, whether you admit that or not. I realize you had a full life with your ex, and it's hard to shut that off, I'm sure. But, your bf may be feeling like he's just third or fourth on your to do list, so he might be seeing a relationship with you as too much. I'd be overwhelmed coming into a dating situation where I wasn't really made a priority.

So, maybe something to reflect on, as you consider a future. I don't see you as entitled by the way (per your OP), I see you as overwhelmed and trying to fit a relationship into your very hectic life.
 

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She physically can't leave the farm. If he wants to see her, he has to go there period. I know the lifestyle, I grew up in it. You can't leave, you can't take vacations or even really go on dates. She would be horrified if he asked her to go on a cruise or chill on the beach with margaritas for a weekend. She literally can't do it.
With all due respect, of course she can leave the farm for a date. Amazon hasn't been delivering groceries to farmers for two hundred years. Her parents live there and could alert her if there is a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter #116
What does this mean? Your farm? So if I am understanding you correctly you built the farm together and then he wanted to sell it because he couldn't work that hard any more but you said no. Did he get anything from his hard work at all? Like did you at least buy him out for half?

How long after your divorce did the romantic relationship start with his friend? Are they still friends? What was the timing of all this?


When I was young, both of my parents were in the navy and we moved around a lot and was devastated every time I had to leave my friends and couldn’t get a horse. My dad promised me when I was little that he would get me a horse when he retired. The day after he retired, we bought my first horse (who I still have!) and bought our land in 1997. After college I moved back home and saved up around $10k to build a small barn for a couple horses to buy/train/sell as a side hustle. Not long after ex and I started dating, he said he could build me a lot more barn for that budget. He had horses and built metal buildings in high school so I let him. We got married, had a baby and it all took off from there and has been my full time job since. We built on my parents property and then bought it from them. It’s “where I grew up” to me.

When we divorced, my amazing parents swapped houses with him and he got to sell that house as part of his buy out. He also makes A LOT more money, and I agreed to no child support and non of his railroad retirement, 401k etc. My parents got to pay a smaller mortgage (they pay less than half of the current mortgage) less utilities and less property tax (I’m ag exempt)....so it saves them a lot of money too. The plan is to buy them out when my arena is paid off in 2 years. We were extremely lucky my parents stepped up, because we’d probably still be unhappily married because we are both very stubborn lol. We all kind of got what we wanted and free of any credit card debt.

He is not still friends with the BF because we remained friends after ex moved out we didn’t start dating till almost a year later.


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She physically can't leave the farm. If he wants to see her, he has to go there period. I know the lifestyle, I grew up in it. You can't leave, you can't take vacations or even really go on dates. She would be horrified if he asked her to go on a cruise or chill on the beach with margaritas for a weekend. She literally can't do it.
My grandparents were farmers. We saw them regularly when we went to the farm. After reading this thread I got to thinking about it and I cannot recall one instance where my grandparents came to our house all the time I was growing up. I remember seeing them away from their house a few times, but rarely and they had to get back to the farm, so they didn't stay long.
 

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Oddly he never had an issue with my now boyfriend (which actually kind of bothered me. It made me feel like he didn’t care).
You stating about your ex that “Oddly he never had an issue with my now boyfriend (which actually kind of bothered me. It made me feel like he didn’t care)” shows that you felt that that your ex should have had an issue with it. This, along with your now boyfriend choosing his relationship with you over his relationship with your ex, strongly indicates that there may have been an emotional affair (“EA”) going on between you and your now boyfriend during your marriage. If it was not physical, neither you or your ex fully recognized that this was damaging your marriage, and could have led to the end of your marriage as your husband went crazy in trying to change things.
 

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Discussion Starter #119
If you're honest, your bf isn't really a priority to you. Not judging you, but that's just an observation on my part. You have a very full life, and still have your mind on your ex a lot, whether you admit that or not. I realize you had a full life with your ex, and it's hard to shut that off, I'm sure. But, your bf may be feeling like he's just third or fourth on your to do list, so he might be seeing a relationship with you as too much. I'd be overwhelmed coming into a dating situation where I wasn't really made a priority.

So, maybe something to reflect on, as you consider a future. I don't see you as entitled by the way (per your OP), I see you as overwhelmed and trying to fit a relationship into your very hectic life.

In a lot of ways you are right. I do try, and I want to make him a priority. It really sucks when my hands get tied... this past year was really hard. I had a million dr appts trying to figure out what was going on. Barn maintenance was put on the back burner at a time when materials, components and equipment are reaching the end of their useful life... compound that with natural disasters (will it ever stop freaking raining?!?!!!!) and it feels like climbing Mount Everest with someone who said “that sounds like fun!” and then changes their mind 1/2 way up the mountain. I had a lot of storm damage, but insurance only covers so much and time is money. For example, my arena is a large fabric structure, it’s covered by insurance but it’s not as durable as the manufacturer claimed it to be and the manufacturer is trying to charge me more than what they said it would be to make repairs under their warranty. Insurance policy also only allows so much for damaged fencing.. but I sustained a little more damage than what the insurance covers. Thankfully it’s enough to cover materials, but that means I have to do the labor. I’m just so thankful that treatment is working and my body is mostly cooperating otherwise I would REALLY be screwed... although I’m frustratingly slower than I was.

I honestly love the feeling of accomplishment when I can do “man stuff” by myself. I never thought I would like to tinker and build! It’s one of my biggest regrets when it comes to my ex... I let my ex handle it because he could do it better (or so i thought) and way faster. He would do most of the building and I would do the painting. My ex didn’t have the patience to teach me much and we generally both agreed that I was more useful teaching and training. It started to become an issue when my business grew faster than he could keep up. We made good money, but not enough to hire out the construction AND for him to buy his toys, so we DIY to afford it all.

Being down a lot this last year sucked, BUT it has taught me to be more patient and business will go on without my constant attention and to take more time for myself and my family. With this situation however, I don’t really have a choice. I have to make a living... even if I wanted to give it all up, I couldn’t sell the place like it is. :eek:(


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Discussion Starter #120
With all due respect, of course she can leave the farm for a date. Amazon hasn't been delivering groceries to farmers for two hundred years. Her parents live there and could alert her if there is a problem.


You’re both kind of right. The ex and I didn’t take an actual vacation for many years.. we only went out of town for funerals and weddings. BUT the bf and I went on vacation twice in one year. Then I was sick for a year, and he changed companies and couldn’t take a vacation either but we are both itching for one! I can’t be as spontaneous as most people, but I can take a vacation and plan days off!


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