[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Earlier in the thread I mentioned the 300lb toothless, bearded woman principle.

If we were to reverse genders and a man were to come on here saying he wasn’t interested in sex and found it gross and silly and couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about and he didn’t know why he had no sexual feelings.

People would be telling him to get his hormones checked and to get into therapy to see if he has any childhood issues or past sexual trauma or even questioning his sexual orientation and asking him if he is gay etc.

But then as the thread goes on we found out his wife is 300lbs, toothless and hairy and she sits around all day scarfing entire bags of Oreos and only takes a shower every few weeks whether she needs it or not and doesn’t change or clean her underwear for weeks at a time, we start to understand his lack of attraction.

But also as he goes on to say he reads a lot of books on sexuality and that he has encountered women during his daily life that he wants to rip their clothes of and he is spanking all the time and he writes 30 pages worth of his dysfunctional marriage and how he was never all that attracted to his wife and he doesn’t see her as wife and mother material,,

it becomes easy to see that he is not asexual at all but just feels stuck with a person he is not attracted to and does not have any sexual compatibility with.

You're spot on.

Somehow he'd be penalized and told to up his game.

 

[oldshirt]

You're spot on.

Somehow he'd be penalized and told to up his game.

Now that you say that, that is probably correct that the guy in my fictional scenario above would be told to hit the gym, dress better, become more “alpha” with the thought that if he ups his game, that she may up her game and lose weight, shave, bathe etc.

And if she doesn’t, then once he is able to attract someone younger and prettier and who desires him, then dump the 300lb bearded wife.

In a way, the OP has been advised some similar stuff here. She’s been told to get her hormones checked. She’s been told to seek therapy in attempt to find out what’s causing her inhibition snd to become more sexual. She’s been advised to exercise and lose weight. She’s been advised to become more sexy and alluring to see if that will inspire her H to clean the house better.

And conversely she’s also been told to cut him off to see if that will move him to clean the house.

And she has certainly also been advised to dump the H.

I’m not really going anywhere with this, but just pointing out that at various points of the thread she has also been advised to up her girl-game.

 

[In Absentia]

Now that you say that, that is probably correct that the guy in my fictional scenario above would be told to hit the gym, dress better, become more “alpha” with the thought that if he ups his game, that she may up her game and lose weight, shave, bathe etc.

And if she doesn’t, then once he is able to attract someone younger and prettier and who desires him, then dump the 300lb bearded wife.

In a way, the OP has been advised some similar stuff here. She’s been told to get her hormones checked. She’s been told to seek therapy in attempt to find out what’s causing her inhibition snd to become more sexual. She’s been advised to exercise and lose weight. She’s been advised to become more sexy and alluring to see if that will inspire her H to clean the house better.

And conversely she’s also been told to cut him off to see if that will move him to clean the house.

And she has certainly also been advised to dump the H.

I’m not really going anywhere with this, but just pointing out that at various points of the thread she has also been advised to up her girl-game.

Well, my theory is that she didn't have much libido or liked sex that much to start with (not abnormal), then she realises what an awful individual her husband is and it's game over. Maybe the OP is trying to find a reason which doesn't exist. It's all there in the open.

 

[oldshirt]

Well, my theory is that she didn't have much libido or liked sex that much to start with (not abnormal), then she realises what an awful individual her husband is and it's game over. Maybe the OP is trying to find a reason which doesn't exist. It's all there in the open.

I think it’s a pretty big stretch to call someone that isn’t a good housekeeper an awful person.

She’s never said anything about him kicking puppies or taking pennys out of the UNICEF jar at the gas station or anything.

But yes, it sounds like her attraction and desire for him has been pretty lackluster from day one and then him not changing his underwear for week has just further dissolved whatever desire she may have had.

 

[In Absentia]

I think it’s a pretty big stretch to call someone that isn’t a good housekeeper an awful person.

She’s never said anything about him kicking puppies or taking pennys out of the UNICEF jar at the gas station or anything.

Someone who treats his wife as a servant is an awful individual. At least in my book.

 

[TexasMom1216]

I think it’s a pretty big stretch to call someone that isn’t a good housekeeper an awful person.

No one said this. It's not that he isn't a "good housekeeper." He doesn't do anything at all around the house. No one said he doesn't do the dishes like she wants, he won't do dishes at all. He treats her like a servant and is critical of her housekeeping even though she works full time. That's pretty indefensible.

 

[oldshirt]

No one said this. It's not that he isn't a "good housekeeper." He doesn't do anything at all around the house. No one said he doesn't do the dishes like she wants, he won't do dishes at all. He treats her like a servant and is critical of her housekeeping even though she works full time. That's pretty indefensible.

That may make him a bad spouse or roommate, but to say he’s an awful person is a bit harsh to me.

 

[LisaDiane]

Someone who treats his wife as a servant is an awful individual. At least in my book.

Sure...but she certainly doesn't have to put up with it, she doesn't have to serve him.
For whatever reason, SHE makes the choice to allow him to behave that way.

 

[TexasMom1216]

That may make him a bad spouse or roommate, but to say he’s an awful person is a bit harsh to me.

That's fair. And it's also fair to point out that we only have one side of the story.

 

[Sfort]

I'm really hopeful that OP has gotten some benefit from this thread. It seems that she's opening her mind to some alternative perspectives. Sometimes the medicine has a bitter taste.

 

[Casual Observer]

No one said this. It's not that he isn't a "good housekeeper." He doesn't do anything at all around the house. No one said he doesn't do the dishes like she wants, he won't do dishes at all. He treats her like a servant and is critical of her housekeeping even though she works full time. That's pretty indefensible.

But that messaging is pretty much what she went back and deleted. The content about herself has remained intact, but she’s dramatically reduced the critique of her husband’s helpfulness around the house etc.

It feels very much like a depressive mood swing.

 

[In Absentia]

Sure...but she certainly doesn't have to put up with it, she doesn't have to serve him.
For whatever reason, SHE makes the choice to allow him to behave that way.

Totally agree... it's a mystery to me...

 

[In Absentia]

No one said this. It's not that he isn't a "good housekeeper." He doesn't do anything at all around the house. No one said he doesn't do the dishes like she wants, he won't do dishes at all. He treats her like a servant and is critical of her housekeeping even though she works full time. That's pretty indefensible.

Totally agree too...

 

[In Absentia]

I'm really hopeful that OP has gotten some benefit from this thread. It seems that she's opening her mind to some alternative perspectives. Sometimes the medicine has a bitter taste.

Let's see what twist she comes up with now...

 

[In Absentia]

That may make him a bad spouse or roommate, but to say he’s an awful person is a bit harsh to me.

Mmmm someone who doesn't lift a finger, criticises his wife all the time and then expects her to have sex with him...

 

[oldshirt]

Mmmm someone who doesn't lift a finger, criticises his wife all the time and then expects her to have sex with him...

I wouldn’t want to be married to him or even have him as a platonic roommate, but I wouldn’t call him an awful person for that.

YMMV

 

[In Absentia]

I wouldn’t want to be married to him or even have him as a platonic roommate, but I wouldn’t call him an awful person for that.

YMMV

You are very tolerant...

 

[Livvie]

No one said this. It's not that he isn't a "good housekeeper." He doesn't do anything at all around the house. No one said he doesn't do the dishes like she wants, he won't do dishes at all. He treats her like a servant and is critical of her housekeeping even though she works full time. That's pretty indefensible.

He treats her like a housekeeper, but, she has LET him. He's not forcing her. If she really didn't like it, she would stop doing housekeeping stuff for him, or would have found a way to move out a long time ago.

She's an adult, not a mentally disabled adult with a guardian, nor a child.

If she's a servant she has no one to blame but herself. Really.

 

[TexasMom1216]

He treats her like a housekeeper, but, she has LET him. He's not forcing her. If she really didn't like it, she would stop doing housekeeping stuff for him, or would have found a way to move out a long time ago.

She's an adult, not a mentally disabled adult with a guardian, nor a child.

If she's a servant she has no one to blame but herself. Really.

Agreed, that's why I asked her if she thought maybe she was being a martyr and tolerating that behavior for that reason. She said no. But you are correct, we get the treatment we tolerate. She isn't innocent here and I don't feel like she has claimed that she is.

 

[Casual Observer]

Agreed, that's why I asked her if she thought maybe she was being a martyr and tolerating that behavior for that reason. She said no. But you are correct, we get the treatment we tolerate. She isn't innocent here and I don't feel like she has claimed that she is.

Bit it’s also the case that perception is your reality, and if she’s depressed and/or having issues with mood swings, that could explain what some think are inconsistencies in her posts as well as the deletions. The lens she views her husband through might not be steady.

Its a very tough act NOT being depressed when you feel so different from the norm. We know those differences preceded the relationship with her husband.