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I think maybes I’m just overthinking everything and maybe I should step away from TAM. I do appreciate everyone’s input because it has given me some things to consider, but maybe Rus isn’t too far off the mark in some respects. We’ve been together this long so maybe there isn’t really some sort of radical change that needs to happen. I don’t really know. I am still curious to know what sec is like for people who actually enjoy it. Unless there is a therapist who can some how help me to understand I’ll probably never know.
Surprising no women chimed in to give you a clue about their experiences. I would have thought the womens lounge on here might offer some experiences. Or Cosmopolitan magazine. Or the web. If you had some good female friends irl, they might share, (or embellish), though perhaps think it odd that you didn't know.

I do know that plenty of women think BOB is far superior to anything most men can accomplish with their penis. Dance with the one whose moves you like.

But hearing from someone who enjoys something has nothing to do with your own experience. I mean people have raved to me about how wonderful caviar is. It just turns my stomach even thinking about it. So should I find a therapist to somehow convince me I must crave caviar and help me understand how wonderful it is? Or think I am somehow broken because cant stand it?

It is possible your body has different nerve arrangement below the waist. Or maybe the region of the brain associated with sexual pleasure is wired differently. What difference does it make? Find the things in this life that make you happy, make you smile. Maybe focus on helping some of the helpless with their problems and not being DTF with a man will decrease in importance.

Let me tell you one thing, as a mid-70s male. This life is over sooner than you can imagine. And we are all one bad report away from some REAL unhappiness. Make hay while the sun shines.
 

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Huh. I actually wanted to hug and kiss him for coming home to check on me. I think I am going to try to put more effort into expressing myself through physical touch and try to look beyond myself and what I think is stupid.
That would indeed have been a wonderful opportunity to express your feelings through physical touch. Did you actually hug and kiss? If not what stopped you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #584 ·
Surprising no women chimed in to give you a clue about their experiences. I would have thought the womens lounge on here might offer some experiences. Or Cosmopolitan magazine. Or the web. If you had some good female friends irl, they might share, (or embellish), though perhaps think it odd that you didn't know.

I do know that plenty of women think BOB is far superior to anything most men can accomplish with their penis. Dance with the one whose moves you like.

But hearing from someone who enjoys something has nothing to do with your own experience. I mean people have raved to me about how wonderful caviar is. It just turns my stomach even thinking about it. So should I find a therapist to somehow convince me I must crave caviar and help me understand how wonderful it is? Or think I am somehow broken because cant stand it?

It is possible your body has different nerve arrangement below the waist. Or maybe the region of the brain associated with sexual pleasure is wired differently. What difference does it make? Find the things in this life that make you happy, make you smile. Maybe focus on helping some of the helpless with their problems and not being DTF with a man will decrease in importance.

Let me tell you one thing, as a mid-70s male. This life is over sooner than you can imagine. And we are all one bad report away from some REAL unhappiness. Make hay while the sun shines.
I think this is all good advice, really, and I see your point. I still feel like I love my husband even though I might be less than satisfied with some aspects of our relationship. I still sort of want to go through life with him, so I’d like to see if we both agree to that and if we can both put some effort into addressing each other’s needs. I’d actually like to have a kid with him if we can make our relationship not so dysfunctional and if he can act like an equal, responsible adult in our home instead of setting an example that the woman is just supposed to do it all. We used to talk about having kids all the time in the early days of our relationship. We used to talk about a lot of things and I think we both just have a lot of personal and interpersonal problems right now that I hope we can support each other through. I don’t want to hold him hostage in a sexless marriage for the rest of his life, so if I want to stay married to him I feel like I need to do some work in my approach to sex. I guess I don’t feel like giving up on me and sex yet when it comes down to it.
 

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No, no, no. Don’t have a kid with the man-child. For whatever reason he is a man-child, don’t have another baby, on top of him. This is horrifying. It just shows it to me how detached you are from reality. Please don’t. Don’t put a baby through this ordeal. You two are very dysfunctional. It won’t fix anything.
 

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Surprising no women chimed in to give you a clue about their experiences. I would have thought the womens lounge on here might offer some experiences. Or Cosmopolitan magazine. Or the web. If you had some good female friends irl, they might share, (or embellish), though perhaps think it odd that you didn't know.
Many may not have seen her query. She would get much better responses if she created a specific thread for that question.
 

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I don’t understand why you repeatedly insist that I’m not giving straight answers. I have over and over. Sometimes things do not have a straight answer.

He’s not directing the question to me anyway, but I can answer definitely for my own situation. Yes, we have sex occasionally. We had sex a few days ago, so if you count 4 times in 5 months as occasionally then yes.

Some things can be answered with a yes or no. Some things cannot be answered so simply. I’m not avoiding giving straight answers when there actually is a straight answer to be had.
Yes, I believe you’ve given “straight” answers throughout the thread. There is some feeling that you’ve pulled back about w/regards vilifying your husband for his lack of effort around the house. Initially it seemed like the rejection of sex, on your part, was a result of that. Over the course of many posts and further examination, that really doesn’t seem to be the case; your ambivalent and negative feelings about sex predate that.

But I believe you’ve been as honest and transparent as your emotions allow. I hope you find your way to therapy.
 

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I think if I could find somebody that I had a sexual chemistry with and could get me going I’d want the relationship to be just sex. I honestly don’t like a lot of the aspects of marriage. I don’t want to have obligations of any sort to another person. I actually begrudgingly got married. I’d really love to just get my kicks then go home and be alone and have free reign for all aspects of my life, no obligations to anyone at all.
It sounds like you’re just not suited for marriage. And that’s fine, some people aren’t.
But that also means you’re not going to make a very suitable wife.
Why did you get married in the first place?
 

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It sounds like you’re just not suited for marriage. And that’s fine, some people aren’t.
But that also means you’re not going to make a very suitable wife.
Why did you get married in the first place?
From one of her previous comments:
We were together for a long time before we got married. He wanted to get married. I didn’t really care either way.

Nothing like true love.

To add further complication she has previously told her husband he is not fit to have a child with her. Now she wants to have a child with him. Not sure how she will walk the statement back.

She also told her husband that she finds sex gross and an unwelcome experience that she would avoid going forward. So there is also the small hurdle of him having stopped initiating sex with her completely for the last few months.

Perhaps they will have a miracle child or maybe she has a surrogate donor in mind.
 

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I think the most hurtful thing has been my comments about how I see sex as gross, etc etc etc. When I put myself in his shoes and imagine him saying that to me, I would feel very hurt and rejected and take it personally. The low desire, when it was just assumed I had a lower sex drive and that’s just how I was, was not ideal but not nearly as hurtful as my more recent feelings about sex.
I think we need to come back to the simplicity of this. You’re displaying real empathy, but it seems like you don’t know where to go with it.

Empathy is a great start. Many never get there. Build upon it. Embrace it as your super-power, even if you don’t think that’s really the case.
 

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I think maybes I’m just overthinking everything and maybe I should step away from TAM. I do appreciate everyone’s input because it has given me some things to consider, but maybe Rus isn’t too far off the mark in some respects. We’ve been together this long so maybe there isn’t really some sort of radical change that needs to happen. I don’t really know. I am still curious to know what sec is like for people who actually enjoy it. Unless there is a therapist who can some how help me to understand I’ll probably never know.
There are therapists who can help you. There are sex therapists. I suggested in an earlier post that you see a therapist, a sex therapist.

From what you have told us, your problem is similar to a guy who masturbates to porn (or without it) to the point that he's no longer interested in sex with a living woman. Masturbation is so much easier than sex with another person... but it's a completely different experience. Sex with a human partner is a much more complete experience in that if you can relax with your partner, you become emersed in it. What I get from what you have written is that you don't allow yourself to let go and really get into it when you are with another person, a man. I think you have a problem that would be fairly easy for a sex therapist to help you with. And, you could even get your husband involved at some point ... good way for the two of you to reconnect if you end up staying with him.
 

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There are therapists who can help you. There are sex therapists. I suggested in an earlier post that you see a therapist, a sex therapist.
How is a sex therapist going to change anything? The OP never liked sex. You are not going to magically create a desire for something you hate and find gross and repulsive. And she is not going to have sex with her child-man if he doesn't change, any way. I think the OP should just accept who she is and tough luck to the husband... :)
 

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How is a sex therapist going to change anything? The OP never liked sex. You are not going to magically create a desire for something you hate and find gross and repulsive. And she is not going to have sex with her child-man if he doesn't change, any way. I think the OP should just accept what she is and tough luck to the husband... :)
I've read enough about sex therapy to know that there are things that they can help a person with that will help them increase their sexual desire. How about we leave it up to OP for her to decide if she wants to pursue things that might help her have a more rewarding sex life

She might not ever want sex with her husband again, or she might. She just might end up leaving him, or not. Either way, it would be wonderful is she could learn to get her head in the right place to really get into sex with a man. Good sex is mostly between the ears.

In Search of Aphrodite: Women, Archetypes and Sex Therapy: Wakefield, Chelsea
 

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I've read enough about sex therapy to know that there are things that they can help a person with that will help them increase their sexual desire. How about we leave it up to OP for her to decide if she wants to pursue things that might help her have a more rewarding sex life

She might not ever want sex with her husband again, or she might. She just might end up leaving him, or not. Either way, it would be wonderful is she could learn to get her head in the right place to really get into sex with a man. Good sex is mostly between the ears.

In Search of Aphrodite: Women, Archetypes and Sex Therapy: Wakefield, Chelsea
I want to believe you... I really do. But I remain sceptical, from what I've read in this thread. But you never know... :)
 

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Sex with a human partner is a much more complete experience in that if you can relax with your partner, you become emersed in it.
This is what I would have said if asked. IMO it needs to be with someone you are bonded to, forsaking all others. My wife has always talked about loving "the oneness" and that PIV is "just the best". She has always enjoyed the orgasms, but wants the physical connection more than anything. And honestly I feel the same.

But that isn't where OP is, and she has had 15 years together with the same partner to have developed that. It can't be just the partner dynamics because the experience has been lacking with other partners.

OP, others have advised getting your hormone levels checked by a competent gyno. It would be a shame if all of these problems had a simple fix. We are all controlled by chemistry.
 

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You may very well be asexual. I don’t know the percentage of women who identify that way but it’s doubtful you’ll find them here on TAM. Look for a forum on asexuality and see if anything said there sounds familiar.
Asexuals typically do not read a bunch of books on sex, want to jump guys they see on the street, buy sex toys, masturbate frequently or write 30 pages of sexual content on internet sex forums.

Asexuals adopt another cat from the shelter 🐈
 

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Asexuals typically do not read a bunch of books on sex, want to jump guys they see on the street, buy sex toys, masturbate frequently or write 30 pages of sexual content on internet sex forums.

Asexuals adopt another cat from the shelter 🐈
The trickling and evolving of information is curious. There are contradictions throughout that are interesting.
 

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The trickling and evolving of information is curious. There are contradictions throughout that are interesting.
Earlier in the thread I mentioned the 300lb toothless, bearded woman principle.

If we were to reverse genders and a man were to come on here saying he wasn’t interested in sex and found it gross and silly and couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about and he didn’t know why he had no sexual feelings.

People would be telling him to get his hormones checked and to get into therapy to see if he has any childhood issues or past sexual trauma or even questioning his sexual orientation and asking him if he is gay etc.

But then as the thread goes on we found out his wife is 300lbs, toothless and hairy and she sits around all day scarfing entire bags of Oreos and only takes a shower every few weeks whether she needs it or not and doesn’t change or clean her underwear for weeks at a time, we start to understand his lack of attraction.

But also as he goes on to say he reads a lot of books on sexuality and that he has encountered women during his daily life that he wants to rip their clothes of and he is spanking all the time and he writes 30 pages worth of his dysfunctional marriage and how he was never all that attracted to his wife and he doesn’t see her as wife and mother material,,

it becomes easy to see that he is not asexual at all but just feels stuck with a person he is not attracted to and does not have any sexual compatibility with.
 

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Earlier in the thread I mentioned the 300lb toothless, bearded woman principle.

If we were to reverse genders and a man were to come on here saying he wasn’t interested in sex and found it gross and silly and couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about and he didn’t know why he had no sexual feelings.

People would be telling him to get his hormones checked and to get into therapy to see if he has any childhood issues or past sexual trauma or even questioning his sexual orientation and asking him if he is gay etc.

But then as the thread goes on we found out his wife is 300lbs, toothless and hairy and she sits around all day scarfing entire bags of Oreos and only takes a shower every few weeks whether she needs it or not and doesn’t change or clean her underwear for weeks at a time, we start to understand his lack of attraction.

But also as he goes on to say he reads a lot of books on sexuality and that he has encountered women during his daily life that he wants to rip their clothes of and he is spanking all the time and he writes 30 pages worth of his dysfunctional marriage and how he was never all that attracted to his wife and he doesn’t see her as wife and mother material,,

it becomes easy to see that he is not asexual at all but just feels stuck with a person he is not attracted to and does not have any sexual compatibility with.
The difference with a man is a man would typically have a higher degree of spontaneous desire and after long dry spells would be getting more restlessness and want to go on the prowl.

For women on the other hand, it is not unusual for their libidos to go dormant and feel a complete lack of desire.

But all it takes for their libido to come back with a vengeance is for another person they do feel attracted to to into the picture.
 
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