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No, I don’t want to have sex with him or with anyone else because I literally feel no mental or physical desire for sex lately.
Sounds like you are depressed.

This is a VERY COMMON ailment.

Seek treatment for it.

If they suggest any medications for depression, make sure one of the side effects is not a loss of libido.
Um, yeah.
That is already present.
 

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Discussion Starter · #563 ·
You really expect a straight answer?

Now there might be one. Or maybe not. We'll see.
I don’t understand why you repeatedly insist that I’m not giving straight answers. I have over and over. Sometimes things do not have a straight answer.

He’s not directing the question to me anyway, but I can answer definitely for my own situation. Yes, we have sex occasionally. We had sex a few days ago, so if you count 4 times in 5 months as occasionally then yes.

Some things can be answered with a yes or no. Some things cannot be answered so simply. I’m not avoiding giving straight answers when there actually is a straight answer to be had.
 

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I did not mean to generalize ALL woman and cause offense.
I don't think you've done that anywhere on this thread at all. I apologize if I made you feel like you have, you have not.
I think it can definitely be argued that society sends certain messages to women, of which younger women may be especially prone to be influenced by, that they need to be sexual creatures and enthusiastic, adventurous sex partners to truly be desired by men. There are stereotypical gender expectations when it comes to sex, not to mention the whole Madonna/* concept. To say that you find sex “boring” will make you appear unattractive to a male. I think most men here would agree that they would no longer be interested in a woman, even if they found her attractive physically and on the basis of her personality, if she said she found sex boring. I am not at all putting blame on society for any of these issues I have, but I do feel that I bought into this idea that I had to be a certain way sexually for a man to be interested in me.
It can be asserted that society tells women they must act a certain way, regardless of their own feelings, to please men. My original answer, before you said that you'd told him you weren't into sex before you married, was that it is no less true today than it was before you married that saying out loud that you don't want sex will make a man less interested. Therefore, telling him you didn't enjoy sex after marriage seems like something you would do to spark some sort of change. Either to hurt him, to make him leave you alone, or to get out of the marriage. If you married him while pretending (which you did not) and then got angry or hurt or just tired and told him you were done pretending, you have to expect him to react to that by no longer having an interest in you the same way he would have if you'd told him prior to marriage. It would be unrealistic to expect information like that to have no effect on the marriage, not that I think you thought it wouldn't. But that isn't what happened, so it isn't germane to the discussion.

What do you think is next for you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #565 ·
I am curious for the women reading this. When you have partnered sex, what DOES it feel like? Not asking for graphic details or anything. I mean, during the time before you actually orgasm, so let’s say foreplay and any actual intercourse pre-orgasm, what are you feeling? Are you feeling a strong physical desire and/or a lot of pleasure in your body? Is there a strong sense of some sort of emotions toward your partner? Do you feel anything physically when receiving oral sex other than just sloppy wetness? Does penetration cause any physical feelings of pleasure for you? I literally feel NOTHING with penetration. I know it’s common to not orgasm from penetration but it’s like penetration doesn’t even register to me at all. I’ve been with men are various sizes so it’s not like I’m having sex with a pencil penis and it’s a matter of it being too small to feel.
 

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To be honest, I don't quite understand why some people decide to get married when they know that sex does nothing for them. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Not taking into consideration his man-child traits, the husband has been quite understanding. I would be divorced by now, especially in my mid-thirties...
My guess would be a big supply of hopium. They think things will get better. That why many stay in dysfunctional marriages for too long — or forever.
 

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Discussion Starter · #567 ·
What do you think is next for you?
I think maybes I’m just overthinking everything and maybe I should step away from TAM. I do appreciate everyone’s input because it has given me some things to consider, but maybe Rus isn’t too far off the mark in some respects. We’ve been together this long so maybe there isn’t really some sort of radical change that needs to happen. I don’t really know. I am still curious to know what sec is like for people who actually enjoy it. Unless there is a therapist who can some how help me to understand I’ll probably never know.
 

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I did not mean to generalize ALL woman and cause offense.

I think it can definitely be argued that society sends certain messages to women, of which younger women may be especially prone to be influenced by, that they need to be sexual creatures and enthusiastic, adventurous sex partners to truly be desired by men. There are stereotypical gender expectations when it comes to sex, not to mention the whole Madonna/* concept. To say that you find sex “boring” will make you appear unattractive to a male. I think most men here would agree that they would no longer be interested in a woman, even if they found her attractive physically and on the basis of her personality, if she said she found sex boring. I am not at all putting blame on society for any of these issues I have, but I do feel that I bought into this idea that I had to be a certain way sexually for a man to be interested in me.
Actually, from what I've seen, since the 80s, "society" has been sending young women the message that need to find their own sexual pleasure with or without men, they are entitled to have anything they want to have, and if they are liberated and unoppressed they would want to screw around like college guys and are entitled to express their sexuality just like the most deviant of men (boys). So maybe it's the feminist narrative that gave you the wrong impression of your sexuality, since it doesn't fit into their "box".

As far as finding sex "boring", I don't know many women who would be attracted to or interested in men who said that openly either. So it's not just a pressure and expectation for women.

And I don't think it's about attraction, it's about compatibility. VERY FEW people want to commit to monogamy with someone who doesn't want sex. Because it makes no sense and makes people miserable.

What might have happened if instead of hiding your true sexual nature you had embraced it is, you might have found that rare man who was asexual and wanted a romantic, platonic relationship just like you do. And instead of feeling ashamed and like something is wrong with you, you would have been much happier.
 

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I am curious for the women reading this. When you have partnered sex, what DOES it feel like? Not asking for graphic details or anything. I mean, during the time before you actually orgasm, so let’s say foreplay and any actual intercourse pre-orgasm, what are you feeling? Are you feeling a strong physical desire and/or a lot of pleasure in your body? Is there a strong sense of some sort of emotions toward your partner? Do you feel anything physically when receiving oral sex other than just sloppy wetness? Does penetration cause any physical feelings of pleasure for you? I literally feel NOTHING with penetration. I know it’s common to not orgasm from penetration but it’s like penetration doesn’t even register to me at all. I’ve been with men are various sizes so it’s not like I’m having sex with a pencil penis and it’s a matter of it being too small to feel.
You should make THIS a separate thread, because all the women on here will see the title, not only the few who are following this thread.

Put the bolded as the title, and the questions and the rest of this in your opening post and I think you would get ALOT of responses.
 

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Maybe I’m just not meant to experience those feelings I mentioned above. I might not be wired that way and there could simply be nothing I can do to change it. I’ve tried working on it and I did put an effort into sex before. If I am simply “this way” then I guess it’s just up to my husband and I to decide what we both want out of life and out of marriage. I’ll still be left wondering “What’s the big deal about sex?”
Check back once you start getting with Pete From IKEA and let us know how you feel then 😉
 

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To say that you find sex “boring” will make you appear unattractive to a male.
A man saying that they find sex boring would probably make many women's head explode it would be so mind blowing. I would venture to guess that not desiring sex is a deal breaker for a majority of people not just men. It doesn't mean that you are broken or that there aren't people out there that you can't be in a relationship with but your pool of compatible people is a bit smaller. It's no different than being a short guy or a big girl or whatever else doesn't fit the mold of the 'ideal'.
 

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A few questions.

Sorry, I did not go back and read all of your responses.

Do you occasionally feel horny and have a desire to masturbate?

And, if you do, do you finish yourself off and enjoy that?



Lilith-
 

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I am curious for the women reading this. When you have partnered sex, what DOES it feel like? Not asking for graphic details or anything. I mean, during the time before you actually orgasm, so let’s say foreplay and any actual intercourse pre-orgasm, what are you feeling? Are you feeling a strong physical desire and/or a lot of pleasure in your body? Is there a strong sense of some sort of emotions toward your partner? Do you feel anything physically when receiving oral sex other than just sloppy wetness? Does penetration cause any physical feelings of pleasure for you? I literally feel NOTHING with penetration. I know it’s common to not orgasm from penetration but it’s like penetration doesn’t even register to me at all. I’ve been with men are various sizes so it’s not like I’m having sex with a pencil penis and it’s a matter of it being too small to feel.
I've actually talked a lot with my current girlfriend about this because her achieving orgasm is a long process and not always successful.

Some of the descriptions that she's shared include:
  • The entire universe shrinks down to a tongue and a pair of lips.
  • Tingling over the entire body.
  • (if there is some kind of penetration) A pleasant feeling of 'fullness'. I don't have a good context for this since my main context for fullness is with food but that's the best description that she could come up with.
  • Anticipating being touched and not will sometimes make kegel muscles ache.
  • Following up disappointed expectations with the touch unexpectedly is intense.
As for if there's a feeling or desire, we're mid-40s and sometimes she has said things that suggest that she'd rather skip meals to get feels.
 

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Not really. I wish I did enjoy it or get something out of it like so many others seem to. But I realize it’s a problem, feel guilty, and don’t believe for a second that he actually wants a platonic relationship. So I have tried and suggested things in an effort to help with the sex frequency. What’s so wrong about that? I know you’ll have something to say to invalidate my efforts. Since I’ve already told him I think sex is gross i should even bother trying to fix these issues now? At least not with him? I’ve already ruined it?
What have you left in your marriage to fix? There may be more for you to destroy. There will be no fix.

You have to his face told him he is not worthy to produce children with you. How exactly would you plan to walk that back? Perhaps he has forgiven you but he hasn't forgotten a hurtful word you have said and he never will.

He has not approached you for intimacy the last few months and you shouldn't expect this to change for the remainder of your marriage however long it should turn out to be. There is no need for him to endure further pain/rejection in this arena. You have already made clear you views on sex and your dislike of it. He believes you.

Make the best of your new reality as roommates. You will not go back to husband and wife. He will not allow you close enough. You can say the same thing for friendship. He may be polite and friendly toward you but you will not be friends. Roommates don't have to be married to each other or friends to share a home.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #579 ·
Surprisingly he came home from work after only being gone a few hours today because he was worried about me. I was off today for a doctors appointment. Apparently my mood has taken a definite downturn as far as he’s concerned. Maybe he’s secretly reading TAM and came home and plans to wash all of the dishes and fold the laundry. I’ll report back later lol. It’s strange, after venting and sharing everything I have, I actually ended up feeling like I like him more than I thought I did a week ago. Huh. I actually wanted to hug and kiss him for coming home to check on me. I think I am going to try to put more effort into expressing myself through physical touch and try to look beyond myself and what I think is stupid.
 
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