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Hi TAM.

I’ll come right out and say it : I’m a wife who doesn’t really care about sex.

I’ve been lurking here for a few weeks after I found TAM via one of my Google searches about my feelings towards sex. Some very recent threads have finally prompted me to join and post.

My husband and I are mid-30s, been married for several years and together since our early 20s. We’ve had sex 3 times since January 2022. I don’t dislike sex, as in it’s not that I find it painful and I don’t have any sort of trauma that makes sex mentally or emotionally challenging. I could just think of a million other things I’d rather do that bring me far greater enjoyment.

I find sex boring and have started to think of it as pretty gross and animalistic. Sweating and moaning and sticking genitals in holes and mouths and all the body fluids. I enjoy orgasms and love to have a quick orgasm with various toys. I do get horny, although less lately. I rarely desire actual sex or self induced orgasm. When I have actual intercourse with my husband I find the whole thing pretty boring and although I don’t feel pain or discomfort of any sort, the only time I truly feel pleasure is during the orgasm. All of the work leading up to the orgasm, blah. It feels like a chore or like an activity I don’t find enjoyable, such as jogging. I dislike jogging so I don’t do it. I just find it boring and it provides me with little to no pleasure.

My husband is actually very attentive, sexually. He wants me to enjoy myself, to reach orgasm, to relax and feel good. We have tried all sorts of things sexually, so it’s not a matter of just a boring sex life. Just doesn’t do much for me. It’s not as if I’m attracted to other men either. I don’t desire sex with anyone, no matter how attractive a person before me might appear. I’m also not inexperienced with sex or various sex acts, so it’s not a matter of just not knowing my body or desires.

Reading some threads here, it seems that the TAM contingent is sort of obsessed with sex and I don’t understand the obsession. Please know I don’t say that as a judgement. It’s just been very interesting reading for me.
 

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Well, does your husband know? If he doesn't, then you should tell him so that he can evaluate if he wants to be in a sexless marriage now, 20 years from now, and 40 years from now.

Sex is too important in a marriage, and any relationship, for one member to opt out of it.

I stayed way TOO LONG in a sexless marriage and wasted half my life away having to masturbate all alone. Never cheated, but maybe I should have!

Give your husband the option of finding a partner that loves and wants sex!

JMHO.
 

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Hi TAM.

I’ll come right out and say it : I’m a wife who doesn’t really care about sex.

I’ve been lurking here for a few weeks after I found TAM via one of my Google searches about my feelings towards sex. Some very recent threads have finally prompted me to join and post.

My husband and I are mid-30s, been married for several years and together since our early 20s. We’ve had sex 3 times since January 2022. I don’t dislike sex, as in it’s not that I find it painful and I don’t have any sort of trauma that makes sex mentally or emotionally challenging. I could just think of a million other things I’d rather do that bring me far greater enjoyment.

I find sex boring and have started to think of it as pretty gross and animalistic. Sweating and moaning and sticking genitals in holes and mouths and all the body fluids. I enjoy orgasms and love to have a quick orgasm with various toys. I do get horny, although less lately. I rarely desire actual sex or self induced orgasm. When I have actual intercourse with my husband I find the whole thing pretty boring and although I don’t feel pain or discomfort of any sort, the only time I truly feel pleasure is during the orgasm. All of the work leading up to the orgasm, blah. It feels like a chore or like an activity I don’t find enjoyable, such as jogging. I dislike jogging so I don’t do it. I just find it boring and it provides me with little to no pleasure.

My husband is actually very attentive, sexually. He wants me to enjoy myself, to reach orgasm, to relax and feel good. We have tried all sorts of things sexually, so it’s not a matter of just a boring sex life. Just doesn’t do much for me. It’s not as if I’m attracted to other men either. I don’t desire sex with anyone, no matter how attractive a person before me might appear. I’m also not inexperienced with sex or various sex acts, so it’s not a matter of just not knowing my body

Reading some threads here, it seems that the TAM contingent is sort of obsessed with sex and I don’t understand the obsession. Please know I don’t say that as a judgement. It’s just been very interesting reading for me.
Is your husband satisfied with having sex three times in the past 6 months?

Reading some threads here, it seems that the TAM contingent is sort of obsessed with sex and I don’t understand the obsession. Please know I don’t say that as a judgement. It’s just been very interesting reading for me.
Umm...NOPE. The "contingent" on TAM are not "obsessed" just because they have a healthy desire for sex and enjoy that part of being human. Pretty much most PEOPLE are interested in and enjoy sex. It's a driving force for most men and a large number of women from the teen years through old age. YOU are the outlier.
 

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Well, at least you're honest. But you need to understand that most people don’t feel the same way you do.

For me, as a woman, I find sex to be a really important bonding tool. In fact, there were times I didn’t really feel horny but just enjoyed being close to my husband. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even want to orgasm, because it was that hit of oxytocin that I was I was looking for.

Sadly, we had sex less often than you towards the end, (because of him, not me) and I think that added to the demise of our marriage.

Edited for grammar.
 

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My husband knows how I feel. I’m not shy about telling him my feelings. I know he’s hurt by it and that’s not my intention. I was at least going to be honest with him.

Of the whopping 3 times we’ve had sex this year it’s been because I felt bad and like I should do it. He doesn’t want me to do that and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to pretend anymore either. In all honesty, a lot of the sex we had before was me just trying to fulfill this sexual obligation. I didn’t just lay there. I was actively participating and putting on a good show, partly in hopes that I’d eventually just start enjoying it. I do have real orgasms most of the time. I don’t fake orgasms and am honest when I don’t have one. He’s always willing to keep going to pleasure me even if he already came but I’m usually not into it.

Oral sex also does nothing for me at all (just with him, but any man I’ve been with).
So then I am curious...have you given him permission to have his sexual needs filled with someone else? Would that be ok with you?
 

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My husband knows how I feel. I’m not shy about telling him my feelings. I know he’s hurt by it and that’s not my intention. I was at least going to be honest with him.

Of the whopping 3 times we’ve had sex this year it’s been because I felt bad and like I should do it. He doesn’t want me to do that and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to pretend anymore either. In all honesty, a lot of the sex we had before was me just trying to fulfill this sexual obligation. I didn’t just lay there. I was actively participating and putting on a good show, partly in hopes that I’d eventually just start enjoying it. I do have real orgasms most of the time. I don’t fake orgasms and am honest when I don’t have one. He’s always willing to keep going to pleasure me even if he already came but I’m usually not into it.

Oral sex also does nothing for me at all (just with him, but any man I’ve been with).
Since you've been honest with him about your feelings on the matter, has he been honest with you about his? Does your lack of interest in sex bother him? Is he frustrated? You're still pretty early in the marriage, this is not going to get better. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling where you can both talk about this openly with the guidance of a therapist.
 

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I may have generalized too much. I have seen quite a few comments that talk about sex as if it is the greatest thing ever. The be all and end all. The most prominent thing around which all marriages should revolve. Something people want daily and think about all of the time. One of, if not the most, pleasurable activity. Never said that thinking was abnormal, but that I simply cannot understand it. I wish I did. That’s why I’m here, amongst other things. You can imagine with having sex 3 times in 2022, my marriage may need some help. I’m just trying to understand.

You and a few others seems to think that I’m not being serious or perhaps just stirring the pot, but I am completely serious. If you could see my search history in my phone you’d see how often I’ve googled things like “sex is boring” “why don’t I like sex” “sex is gross” just trying to find out if there is anyone else who feels like me and to try to understand why I feel this way and what I might be able to do about it, if anything. I know I’m the outlier, but I struggle to believe I’m the only person out there that feels this way.
Nope, there are other woman out there that don't enjoy sex. I'm married to one and that really sucks. Sexual frustration can be torturous to some people.

So, unless your husband is LD like you, I think you should give him the freedom to get his needs met elsewhere, either through an open marriage, or divorce.
 
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