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Needs your guidance on this. I very recently discovered my H's EA betrayl. I am so confused as I seem to be constantly gravitating to him sexually. I am wanting to please him (and of course I am rewarded as well.) I struggle with giving my H this emotional connection and sexually pleasing him and I keep questioning myself afterwards. I finally goggled it and sure enough there is a term for this behavior called "hysterical bonding". Why would I want to do this with him after being lied and betrayed to? Have any of you experienced similar feelings? I am afraid of doing more harm down the road in attempting to heal, but my desires are insatiable. Why should I continue to give him the best of me? I question if he sees this as rewarding his awful behavior and actions. Of course I ask him and he says no, it feels so good to be close and work on rebuilding us. ( I never expected a different answer. He is a man after all) I will bring this up at MC, but that is not until Tuesday, so I wanted your input on this. Thanks in advance.
 

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If your husband is TRULY remorseful, then just go with the flow and enjoy!!

If, however, he is not willing to chop off his left arm for you right now, then it's time to reevaluate what you're doing.

I didn't want my husband anywhere near me for a couple of months, till I was sure he meant it when he said he was sorry. Then it was time for him to just hang on for the ride :)

As to WHY, who knows. Maybe we are reclaiming our 'property' and making it ours again. Maybe we subconsciously know that we need lots of more recent sex to erase the mind movies. I dunno.
 

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Wow! I have done the same thing. Initially if kind of felt a little dirty, but I agree with Hope, I think I was trying to "reclaim my property".
 

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Needs your guidance on this. I very recently discovered my H's EA betrayl. I am so confused as I seem to be constantly gravitating to him sexually. I am wanting to please him (and of course I am rewarded as well.) I struggle with giving my H this emotional connection and sexually pleasing him and I keep questioning myself afterwards. I finally goggled it and sure enough there is a term for this behavior called "hysterical bonding". Why would I want to do this with him after being lied and betrayed to? Have any of you experienced similar feelings? I am afraid of doing more harm down the road in attempting to heal, but my desires are insatiable. Why should I continue to give him the best of me? I question if he sees this as rewarding his awful behavior and actions. Of course I ask him and he says no, it feels so good to be close and work on rebuilding us. ( I never expected a different answer. He is a man after all) I will bring this up at MC, but that is not until Tuesday, so I wanted your input on this. Thanks in advance.
My stbxw and I did this off and on through 3 years of false R. Sometimes we would wait until the kids went to school, then we'd decide to be late for work. I thought it was great. Unfortunately, for my stbxw it was all about sex, and making her feel like she was trying to R. Emotionally, she had checked out - the sex was driven more by vestigial guilt on her part.

I think hysterical bonding can help R - but again, R can only work if BOTH of you want to R.

Have to admit though, I enjoyed it even though it was false. ETA - of course, didn't realize it was false at the time...
 

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We did the hysterical bonding thing.

The first time we did it after dday, I remember being proud
because I didn't think about her with the OM once.
We finished our romp with anal (which we had just started doing
right when she was banging him).

She told me that however things work out, THAT was love,
and something she'll remember forever. (barf)

She suddenly started talking dirtier to me in bed, which at
first was great, as I'd always wanted to kick it up more.
Telling me where to put it, where to finish, etc. Fun stuff
for a few weeks.

She also started to send me pictures of her naked boobs,
asking me to come home, etc.

I didn't enjoy after a few weeks.
Soon, I didn't enjoy it at all.

All it did was make me think of how she was with him.
How she gave that to another man when she had me and
our family right there in front of her.


Hysterical Bonding happens fast, fizzles faster and is normal
after an A due to the whole re-claiming thing involved.
It's so normal, you don't really realize that's what's happening
while it's happening.

Hence: hysterical.
 

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We did it as well. If the cheater is remorseful and doing what is needed to heal the marriage I think it's a good thing as it builds a strong connection.
 

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During our fake R - the HBing was a horrible experience. I was reclaiming my W - but my performance was not what we were both used to - I went from not being able to get it up / to pre-mature E / to not being able to finish.

My mind raced and was not focused on what we were doing in bed...everytime I penetrated her, I thought/believed she was thinking of the OM - AND I WAS RIGHT! I snooped and found her journal, and found things like "I think about sex with you alot" (not me) "I know I can't, but I wish I could run to you" (we live 550 miles away from the OM and she has not seen him since 1989) Just sh1t like this.
 

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I copy pasted my reply to another thread that was asking the same question.. Its been 18 or 19 days since I found out about my husbands 18 month long affair with a person I was friends with.

I am the FW, My sex drive went through the roof after I found out two weeks ago. My body is acting completely different then my head and my heart. I cant make sense of it. It does bother me the next day. Most days and nights I just sit and cry my eyes out, I feel betrayed and sad lost and disgusted.

My many theories go like this - the hightened sex drive is because I have nothing left to lose, the relationship is doomed and better to have sex with the devil I know then the devil I dont. I cant go out and get with a stranger or anyone else because I am not wired that way. So I may as well get what I want from CH.

2 -Its also because he is no longer that angry piece of **** he has been, he is now a loving attentive husband of course, so I want to be with him. Gone are the annoying habits and things that piss me off, and in front of me is taking care of himself, showering regularly again, well behaved man that listens and talks to me and that says loves me. Plays with the kids and does little things like helps in the kitchen, once he even noticed I didnt have my own towel in the bathroom so he bought it up for me. Heck he even hugs me in bed now and in front of the kids. So even when there is no sex involved he will hold me and tell me he loves me. He doesnt yell at me when my idea's for something are a little off the wall, and when I am at my worst moments he notices and gets the kids attention until I am okay.

3- I refuse to let the CH and OW dictate my entire life for me. I will do what I want when I want with my own CH.

4- Reclaim what is supposed to be mine, like a dog on a fence so to speak. ( No I didnt pee on him ) I thought about it :p but I didnt do it.

5- When I have done nothing wrong why should I give up my own sexual urges just because I married and CH. I know what I want and need so I took it.

Always after sex and the next day I think how lucky he is, I ask him if he thinks he got to have his cake and eat it too.. I wonder if I am somehow sending signals that its okay to cheat. Sometimes I actually feel sick afterwards, and have a bath and scrub everything away, then there is that feeling of hightened euphoria you get from having sex.. and its just that, its just sex, there is no making love, there isnt a twinkle in my eye, my heart is not in it at all, its just meaningless sex with a man I am married too, so yes a lot of times I cry afterwards while he sleeps and I am curled up in a ball wondering what the hell did I just give him.. Did I sell my soul to the devil?

So I told him, how I feel, and I made myself clear that at this point I am only using him for sex until I can work out what I want next for myself and the rest of my life.

I hope this makes sense... its only been 18 days since I found out and I am yet to work things out for myself.
 

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I guess I feel pretty lucky. Dday was March 6, 2012.

We're still in a fairly "hysterical" bonding. However, I'm redefining what that means. See, as a pilot I was rarely home so sex was maybe, if I was lucky, twice a month. Maybe.

Now that I don't fly and after Dday, we're hitting it around 4 times a week.

Maybe I'm just making up for lost time or something. However, I do believe a large part initially was reclaiming my wife. I would dare say that every night for the first couple months was normal for us. Then it settled into the 4x/week that it is now.

Then again...we're both in IC and MC, so the chances of this being false reconciliation are fairly remote. However, I will always...ALWAYS keep my eyes open!
 

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Sometimes hysterical bonding is more than just reclaiming your territory. Sometimes it is the easiest way to communicate when talking to eachother is too difficult.
 

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I hate it. It makes me feel so disgusting. Never knew just what it was (it happened after I caught him looking at porn, and again with his near EA.. I don't really know what to call it, you can read my story by visiting my member profile, there's a link there). After reading about it here it makes sense, and also makes both of us disgusted with it. It just feels so incredibly.. fake to me. Sure I want to be connected with him again, but not like this. This feels almost forced upon me. Uncontrollable. I was so happy to be feeling so open again, to want to try new things, something I haven't felt since I was young and experimental. Then I come to find out it's all some huge mindf***. Chemicals bouncing around in my brain, making me behave like every other idiot in a textbook. I'll pass. I want my decision to bond with him to be a logical, thought out and careful one. I want it to be my own, not some biologically driven phase.
 

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I had the opposite experience. We'd have sex, and i would think afterwards, " I just tore off a piece from OM's girlfriend." What a horrible thought THAT was.

Later, in real R, our sex life has returned to really good. Meh. Wish that other experience on nobody though.
 

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After her EA we had sex constantly for several weeks. We were sore and still going. Kept going to need early and wind going at it until we had to go to work with short naps here and there. Whenever i heard about HB I just assumed everyone had about the same experience...We have sex 5 to 9 times a week over a year after the fact.
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I went through HB with my WW. For me, it had everything to do with reclaiming territory, just as the theory suggests. For that reason I had assumed it was mostly a male phenomenon; that female BS's would not be as susceptible to. Guess that can be debunked.

Anyway, I think it's fine as long as the WS is remorseful and receives/accepts all the usual significant consequences. In my situation, that wasn't quite the case at first. I now look back on my HB, with regret because of that. Of course I enjoyed the sex, but it was just a distraction. When in played out, and it always does, I was left with wishing I had done things differently, gone slower, thought more carefully, found TAM sooner.

So in my opinion, HB is not always a good thing, like you and other posters have suggested.
 

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Of course I enjoyed the sex, but it was just a distraction. When in played out, and it always does, I was left with wishing I had done things differently, gone slower, thought more carefully, found TAM sooner.
So in my opinion, HB is not always a good thing, like you and other posters have suggested.
I get it, shoulda...
Thing is you really dont know how things would develope it you weren't doing this HB thing. After all its called bonding for something.
It's entirely possible that without it you'd be divorced by now, therefore the HB saved your marriage.
It's probably why HB exists, very little things help to deal with the trauma and confussion of the immediate aftermath.
 
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