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Ladies, would you do it?

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Since I met my husband, I considered myself the luckiest woman in the world...my husband has been nothing but caring, loving, tolerant, understanding...best person I ever met.
We fell in love, got married and have been so for the last 26 years.
We live alone now as our son, our only child, left the household to live with his finacee. Things actually got even better as we have more time for ourselves.
Lately...well, my husband got even better, all of his virtues I mentioned before got increased by a notch or two and my intuition told me something was changing. As we all are somewhat paranoid, I though he might be cheating on me, feeling guilty and thus getting more and more attentive.
Until I discovered something...by pure accident.
I came across few articles that he printed out on paper, articles he found on the net, articles describing a Female Led Relationship!!... And one of those with the title "How to intoduce your wife to Femdom lifestyle"...
Then I realized that his recent behaviour was of a submissive charachter, rather then just "very nice".
I was about to confront him with this but first took some time to contemplate on it.
Since he was actually spoiling me and treating me like a queen for the past 26 years, at some point I actually thoguht that this is just a normal development of our relationship. So I thought why not...if he wants to be submissive and passive to me, I'll let him. Then I confronted him acting a bit offended that he was hiding something from me.
We are both open minded people, our sex life was always great, we are both imaginative and were able to find ways to spice it up a bit...and yes, we did some roleplaying that included me being dominant in bed but vice versa too...I knew he preferred to be under rather then on top, but I insisted on both ways just to keep some balance.
However, this is different...when i confronted him with this issue, his answers were not related to bedroom play.
He said that he was waiting for 24 years to tell me that he, from the bottom of his soul, wants to be my "slave"!!
How is it possible that I never saw all this within him?
Being a great husband is one thing but wanting to be someone's slave is completely different.
I asked him to elaborate this further...as he did, my jaw dropped and stayed that way for hours.
His idea of living that way is to make me a queen...to obey, to listen, to pamper, to do all the housework...
On one hand I admit that the idea is quite apealling...on the other hand I don't know is it normal? If it will affect our marriage? If I don't agree will he be unhappy? If I agree, will it change me also? Don't know what to do...:(
 

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I think if you two do this he will end up very resentful. He cant ablate his pride at your feet without his ego taking a beating for it. In other words, I think it'll become a love/hate relationship.

But if you dont do it he might also resent you and try to be submissive anyway. so if you're comfortable with that role then you might as well let him figure it out for himself instead of acting like a parent. If you are not comfortable with that role then I dont think you should do it.
 

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I might agree to more of that sex wise if you are comfortable, but not let it bleed into the rest of your life together.

It might just be a fantasy that he has been tossing around for years in his head and thinking how cool it would be. I think if you did if for a few weeks he would get board of it. I'm not sure it would turn out healthy.

Keep talking to him about it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sex wise would not be a big issue at all...however it apears not to be sex wise only, his desires are more as of a lifestyle...
To play around a little, I can cope with...no problem...
To have him as a servant, I don't know...
 

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I only voted no because it's your husband of 26 YEARS! If I was going to have a full time servant, I'd want it to be someone I don't know intimately!
 

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I don't know about your husband being unhappy if you don't allow him to be your slave, but I can almost guarantee that you would be unhappy if you did. You will lose all respect for him, and then all sexual attraction will be gone. Why would you want a husband who is inferior to you, as a slave would be? It is one thing to be sexually dominant with him, but quite another to lose respect for him.
 

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If my husband wanted me to take that role, I'd be repulsed. He is such a strong man both mentally, sexually and emotionally. He leads this family. If he laid that on me, i'd rather be single. Yuck.
 

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I don't think that this is too far out. Do a little internet search and you'll discover a lot of men with this kind of kink or fetish or whatever you call it.

It's not easy for a husband to come out and admit this as it is completely against what societal norms are for men. You should take it as a compliment that he feels safe enough to tell you his innermost and most vulnerable feelings/desires.

Ironically, usually the desire is most prominent among men who are in positions of power or have heavy responsibilities at work. Often times, they will simply visit dommes (primarily because they have the money and time to), leaving the poor wife clueless.

I'm in such a relationship with my wife and I usually just lurk but I feel compelled to sign up and point out that don't dismiss it out of hand. I confessed to her about five years ago and it took a year or two to "tune" it but we are steady and enjoying it now.

My point is if you suppress it or not allow him to express his nature, it will just resurface in some other forms, possibly without your participation. Do you want that?

To those who would be repulsed by a husband's desire to be submissive to his wife, I'm a high earning business owner. I manage a lot of employees and to my kids, I'm the picture of the alpha male successful dad. They have no idea and now they are in college, they still have no ideas.



Our kids have moved out as well and now we can be more open (at home) with our relationship. Behind closed doors, my wife is the Queen. I'm more of a service-oriented submissive, which means I love doing housework, pampering, occassionally kneeling. No spanking or cross-dressing--we are just not into it. My job is to pamper, and my enjoyment is seeing that she gets what she demands of me (yes, it's hard to explain). Needless to say, this requires a complete trusting relationship.

Sex is extremely fulfilling with my wife being pampered and having little pressure to please me, she wants a lot of sex and we make love often (about once every two days, which is good for our age--early 50).

Despite the fact that it would seem a lop-sided relationship to everyone, it's the most fulfilling period of my life as it satisfies my innermost desire to be the best I can be for one woman. And in my eyes, she's the hottest woman alive.

What you need to watch out for is what we call "topping from bottom", meaning he is submissive for his kink but not for your wants/needs/desires.

A true submissive husband will feel joy when he fulfills his wife/Queen needs and desires and she acknowledges his service--that is his source of happiness. Think of a knight and Queen metaphor. Argggg...it's impossible to explain to one who is not, so often we don't even try.

But my point: Don't dismiss it out of hand. If it festers for so many years, try to work with him. Believe me when I say it won't go away. Either he will find outlet with you, or he will sneak around and find outlets without you.

Hope that is a helpful perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I only voted no because it's your husband of 26 YEARS! If I was going to have a full time servant, I'd want it to be someone I don't know intimately!
I don't know about that...it seems to me that in such a relationship, two of the major factors are trust and confidence.
How to achieve those with a stranger?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't know about your husband being unhappy if you don't allow him to be your slave, but I can almost guarantee that you would be unhappy if you did. You will lose all respect for him, and then all sexual attraction will be gone. Why would you want a husband who is inferior to you, as a slave would be? It is one thing to be sexually dominant with him, but quite another to lose respect for him.
Well, I agree with all that...loss of respect is probably beggining of the end of any relationship.
However, at the moment I am kind of freaking out that my husband has been unhappy and unsatisfied for the last two decades by supresing this issue. So...If I/we don't go for it, will he that way for the rest of our future?
I really thought this would be easier to figure out :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
If my husband wanted me to take that role, I'd be repulsed. He is such a strong man both mentally, sexually and emotionally. He leads this family. If he laid that on me, i'd rather be single. Yuck.
I love my husband dearly, he is the greatest person I know...one way or another, I'd not rather be single :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Some people do live this lifestyle and it works for them. Only you can both decide if it is right for you. If you think it might be ok, I wonder if you could try it for a set period of time and then see how it went and decide if you want to continue? It's not for me so I voted 'no' on your poll but that doesn't mean it's a no for you too.
Yes, that is what I am thinking too...to maybe have a testing period and see how it goes.
I just don't know hoe to start :scratchhead: although it seems like he started it already...
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I don't think that this is too far out. Do a little internet search and you'll discover a lot of men with this kind of kink or fetish or whatever you call it.

It's not easy for a husband to come out and admit this as it is completely against what societal norms are for men. You should take it as a compliment that he feels safe enough to tell you his innermost and most vulnerable feelings/desires.

Ironically, usually the desire is most prominent among men who are in positions of power or have heavy responsibilities at work. Often times, they will simply visit dommes (primarily because they have the money and time to), leaving the poor wife clueless.

I'm in such a relationship with my wife and I usually just lurk but I feel compelled to sign up and point out that don't dismiss it out of hand. I confessed to her about five years ago and it took a year or two to "tune" it but we are steady and enjoying it now.

My point is if you suppress it or not allow him to express his nature, it will just resurface in some other forms, possibly without your participation. Do you want that?

To those who would be repulsed by a husband's desire to be submissive to his wife, I'm a high earning business owner. I manage a lot of employees and to my kids, I'm the picture of the alpha male successful dad. They have no idea and now they are in college, they still have no ideas.



Our kids have moved out as well and now we can be more open (at home) with our relationship. Behind closed doors, my wife is the Queen. I'm more of a service-oriented submissive, which means I love doing housework, pampering, occassionally kneeling. No spanking or cross-dressing--we are just not into it. My job is to pamper, and my enjoyment is seeing that she gets what she demands of me (yes, it's hard to explain). Needless to say, this requires a complete trusting relationship.

Sex is extremely fulfilling with my wife being pampered and having little pressure to please me, she wants a lot of sex and we make love often (about once every two days, which is good for our age--early 50).

Despite the fact that it would seem a lop-sided relationship to everyone, it's the most fulfilling period of my life as it satisfies my innermost desire to be the best I can be for one woman. And in my eyes, she's the hottest woman alive.

What you need to watch out for is what we call "topping from bottom", meaning he is submissive for his kink but not for your wants/needs/desires.

A true submissive husband will feel joy when he fulfills his wife/Queen needs and desires and she acknowledges his service--that is his source of happiness. Think of a knight and Queen metaphor. Argggg...it's impossible to explain to one who is not, so often we don't even try.

But my point: Don't dismiss it out of hand. If it festers for so many years, try to work with him. Believe me when I say it won't go away. Either he will find outlet with you, or he will sneak around and find outlets without you.

Hope that is a helpful perspective.
I was hoping that someone familiar with this would comment :)
thx...

Would it be too much to ask...well, to explain a little how, what, when...I still cannot picture anything in my head.
It is difficult because my husband, even without his confession, is fulfilling my needs, desires, whatever...
Not yet to help me start with anything, rather to help me decide...
I am not talking about any kinks, just the everydays life :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Since I met my husband, I considered myself the luckiest woman in the world...my husband has been nothing but caring, loving, tolerant, understanding...best person I ever met.
We fell in love, got married and have been so for the last 26 years.
We live alone now as our son, our only child, left the household to live with his finacee. Things actually got even better as we have more time for ourselves.
Lately...well, my husband got even better, all of his virtues I mentioned before got increased by a notch or two and my intuition told me something was changing. As we all are somewhat paranoid, I though he might be cheating on me, feeling guilty and thus getting more and more attentive.
Until I discovered something...by pure accident.
I came across few articles that he printed out on paper, articles he found on the net, articles describing a Female Led Relationship!!... And one of those with the title "How to intoduce your wife to Femdom lifestyle"...
Then I realized that his recent behaviour was of a submissive charachter, rather then just "very nice".
I was about to confront him with this but first took some time to contemplate on it.
Since he was actually spoiling me and treating me like a queen for the past 26 years, at some point I actually thoguht that this is just a normal development of our relationship. So I thought why not...if he wants to be submissive and passive to me, I'll let him. Then I confronted him acting a bit offended that he was hiding something from me.
We are both open minded people, our sex life was always great, we are both imaginative and were able to find ways to spice it up a bit...and yes, we did some roleplaying that included me being dominant in bed but vice versa too...I knew he preferred to be under rather then on top, but I insisted on both ways just to keep some balance.
However, this is different...when i confronted him with this issue, his answers were not related to bedroom play.
He said that he was waiting for 24 years to tell me that he, from the bottom of his soul, wants to be my "slave"!!
How is it possible that I never saw all this within him?
Being a great husband is one thing but wanting to be someone's slave is completely different.
I asked him to elaborate this further...as he did, my jaw dropped and stayed that way for hours.
His idea of living that way is to make me a queen...to obey, to listen, to pamper, to do all the housework...
On one hand I admit that the idea is quite apealling...on the other hand I don't know is it normal? If it will affect our marriage? If I don't agree will he be unhappy? If I agree, will it change me also? Don't know what to do...:(
Also, I will show this whole thread to my husband in due time...
 

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Here's my take on it, coming from the opposite perspective (my husband and I have a dominant/submissive dynamic but he's the dominant one, not me). This is a lifestyle (meaning, a way of arranging yourselves around each other and the marriage) which is based on sexuality. It's basically a sex thing, to put it simply. The reason people who do this like it (especially the "outside the bedroom" parts of it) is because it turns them on sexually.

So, while your husband loves you and wants to do this with you, the ideal situation for him (and you) would be if he were with someone who ALSO found it a turn-on.

If I (the submissive one) were in your husband's position, I would find it very uncomfortable and NOT a turn-on at all to do this sort of thing with someone who wasn't as turned on by it as I was (or more).

That's why I checked "no" in the poll above. I think this should be something that both want, otherwise you're welcoming the potential for a LOT of problems. That doesn't mean it can't work for you guys. Obviously after 26 years of happy marriage you aren't going to give up over this. But bear in mind that this is a pretty powerful sexual thing, not him enjoying doing the dishes. He's still human; he probably still hates doing the dishes ;)

If he's looking at those websites, don't put your head in the sand - this is a SEXUAL thing for him. He might try to tell you it isn't in order not to freak you out. If this doesn't turn you on, you have to face the fact that you might not be sexually compatible.

Of course after 26 years together, I'm sure you'll be able to work it out. Good luck :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Here's my take on it, coming from the opposite perspective (my husband and I have a dominant/submissive dynamic but he's the dominant one, not me). This is a lifestyle (meaning, a way of arranging yourselves around each other and the marriage) which is based on sexuality. It's basically a sex thing, to put it simply. The reason people who do this like it (especially the "outside the bedroom" parts of it) is because it turns them on sexually.

So, while your husband loves you and wants to do this with you, the ideal situation for him (and you) would be if he were with someone who ALSO found it a turn-on.

If I (the submissive one) were in your husband's position, I would find it very uncomfortable and NOT a turn-on at all to do this sort of thing with someone who wasn't as turned on by it as I was (or more).

That's why I checked "no" in the poll above. I think this should be something that both want, otherwise you're welcoming the potential for a LOT of problems. That doesn't mean it can't work for you guys. Obviously after 26 years of happy marriage you aren't going to give up over this. But bear in mind that this is a pretty powerful sexual thing, not him enjoying doing the dishes. He's still human; he probably still hates doing the dishes ;)

If he's looking at those websites, don't put your head in the sand - this is a SEXUAL thing for him. He might try to tell you it isn't in order not to freak you out. If this doesn't turn you on, you have to face the fact that you might not be sexually compatible.

Of course after 26 years together, I'm sure you'll be able to work it out. Good luck :)
At the moment I cannot say how and if all this is based on sexual as my husband did not put it that way. And frankly, it would be a lot easier for me to comprehend it if it was. As far as it goes for me, I am a quite sexual person and there aren't many turn offs for me in whatever I do with my husband.
Thinking of being on top, I have to say, it is more of a turn on then a turn off.
However, I am not sure you are right when you say he doesn't like doing dishes and similar stuff just beacuse he is human...quite honestly, if you pay close attention, you might get a feeling he actually enjoys house chores very much...which is very much fine by me ;)
 

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Yeah I was probably being a little too absolute there but the point I was trying to make is that there is usually a different motivation behind this behavior, and it's not usually regret over not having gone into the housecleaning business ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Yeah I was probably being a little too absolute there but the point I was trying to make is that there is usually a different motivation behind this behavior, and it's not usually regret over not having gone into the housecleaning business ;)
I understood the point, it should not be too difficult to test if it is sexual or not. ;)
And easier to understand, too. :)
 

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At the moment I cannot say how and if all this is based on sexual as my husband did not put it that way. And frankly, it would be a lot easier for me to comprehend it if it was. As far as it goes for me, I am a quite sexual person and there aren't many turn offs for me in whatever I do with my husband.
Thinking of being on top, I have to say, it is more of a turn on then a turn off.
However, I am not sure you are right when you say he doesn't like doing dishes and similar stuff just beacuse he is human...quite honestly, if you pay close attention, you might get a feeling he actually enjoys house chores very much...which is very much fine by me ;)
As a man reading this thread that was serving my purpose as a doormat in my marriage (I was broken and wanting to be completely submissive near the end of it, if she had led me by the hand I would have been a devoted servant) I will just state that, most definitely, this is sexual for him. He looks like he is enjoying housework because in his mind he is hoping it will lead to the reward of sexual gratification. Sure, he may get sex from you the way it has been but for you to lead him is probably more satisfying to him, at least in his current state.

I am not at all into that lifestyle, and was always creeped out by the idea of domination, but amazed how over the course of her selfish behavior combined with my niceguy beta approach I started to feel a deep down, (hormonal?) craving to just be a slave, physically abused even.

For my stbxw that didn't work, because as I found out her urge to submit was probably even larger (based on the evidence and details of the sexual activites with other men I found). She, like you, just didn't want to be the leader all the time.

As for me, I don't mind exploring my own submissive urges and I won't feel shame in it, but I refuse to give into that as a lifestyle so I've been rediscovering what it is to take charge of my own life again - it really does seem like a spectrum sometimes except I think everybody has a subconscious choice where they want to put themselves on it, and it can change over time. So if your H is feeling like this now, why not try out the role as leader, making sure to let him know that if it doesn't work for you the roles will have to go back again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
This appears to be the biggest disturbance our marriage ever faced. For the past few days we both feel so edgy, me because I think about all this most of the time and he because he is expecting an answer.
So I wonder if our marriage was so great all these years after all...I mean, for me it was but if it wasn't for him then it is not great. I figured we were both equaly happy, I never noticed him display any kind of frustration. There is so many "what ifs" now...
What if take the role for a test period and realize that I just can't do it? Who will be more disappointed, him left cut out from his desire or me unable to deliver?
What if I take the role and I start to like it...or like it a lot? Will I begin to disrespect him and how long it takes to start to feel that way?
What if I decide not to take the leading role? And leave my husband frustrated and unsatisfied? And keep thinking how he probably was frustrated the same way for years?
 
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