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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, hoping that someone on here can give me some advice or help. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Our relationship had always been very passionate and physical right from the get go and was thoroughly enjoyable to both of us.

In the past few years my husband has had some terrible medical problems. He now needs a kidney transplant and that will hopefully happen sometime this year. For the past couple of years he has had problems maintaining an erection. Initially, he got an erection but it just could not be maintained long enough to have sex. We eventually sought medical advice and he was prescribed viagra. Unfortunately, the viagra has not been particularly successful even at higher doses.

My understanding of the issue was always that he wanted to have sex but is unable to. Over the past week, however, it has emerged that really the problem is more that he does not want to have sex rather than he cannot. Although, clearly he cannot either.

This has absolutely devastated me. I have been crying myself to sleep and feel so low. I feel unwanted, unloved, unsexy, unfeminine and also feel ashamed. I am ashamed that my husband no longer desires me and I am also ashamed that I still have sexual urges and have to resort to masturbation when I am really desperate.

I am wondering if he has low testosterone levels and he has an appointment with the urologist in three weeks. I have advised him to ask the urologist about the testosterone levels.

Until then, I am comforting myself the only way I know how with food and drink. Gaining weight by the day and just wish I could lie down in a corner and die. If I didn't have my kids, I would just disappear.

I have some really good, close female friends, but I absolutely could not talk to them about this. They all think that we two have an amazing sex life, because we always have had, and I feel too ashamed to let them know that this is how things are.

I feel like my husband has lied to me by telling me he couldn't have sex when it fact he had no desire at all.

Anyone out there got any words of wisdom or comfort?

Thanks.
 

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It very well could be low T. My H had no desire for years. We went as long as 2 years without intimacy. I'm sure the stress of his kidney disease doesn't help. Change your crutches to exercise and get out, see friends. Don't isolate yourself with food and drink. In addition to feeling low about yourself, its hard to get that weight off!! Been there done that.

Make sure they check not only his T level, but his free T level. hormone therapy has made a world of difference for us. I suggested my H get his level checked when I read on here the symptoms beside the sexual ones: low energy level in the afternoon and depression can be aggravated. He says he feel much better now, and now we have a better relationship with our intimate connection re-established.
 

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Agree with the low T, but don't take it all on yourself.

His erectile dysfunction can be causing embarrassment for him in bed and rather than be embarrassed, he chooses not to even try.

Maybe if you explain that you understand that and it's OK but you still need some sort of intimacy (oral, manual) and he doesn't need to perform penis-wise, maybe he'd feel better being intimate.
 

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First, your husband should have been honest and explained his lack of disire. This was wrong. I would ask though if he felt like you would react how you are reacting? Going into a major depression and eating and drinking and wanting to disappear isn't what any husband wants for his wife, so if he felt like telling you he was having libido issues would cause that, maybe that's why he didn't tell you?

Secondly, going into the funk you are going into won't fix this. You won't be able to guilt him into wanting you, and I doubt that being depressed and gaining weight will help.

Third, at the very least, make him get on the ball with his medical issues as best he can. Go with him to his appointments and make sure he goes to other recommended appointments. Not just for his libido, but also because he's your husband and you love him and want him to be there for a long time.

In the meantime, I'd recommend sitting down with him and having an open, non-threatening/accusatory talk. Remind him of your relationship history and why sex is so important to you and to the relationship. Get the dialogue open and tell him that no matter what he has to say, you won't judge or be negative about it. If he thinks you're going to lock yourself in the bedroom with a box of kleenex and a box of oreo's if he says anything critical, you're not likely going to get him to work at all to improve things.
 

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Hi, hoping that someone on here can give me some advice or help. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Our relationship had always been very passionate and physical right from the get go and was thoroughly enjoyable to both of us.

In the past few years my husband has had some terrible medical problems. He now needs a kidney transplant and that will hopefully happen sometime this year. For the past couple of years he has had problems maintaining an erection. Initially, he got an erection but it just could not be maintained long enough to have sex. We eventually sought medical advice and he was prescribed viagra. Unfortunately, the viagra has not been particularly successful even at higher doses.

My understanding of the issue was always that he wanted to have sex but is unable to. Over the past week, however, it has emerged that really the problem is more that he does not want to have sex rather than he cannot. Although, clearly he cannot either.

This has absolutely devastated me. I have been crying myself to sleep and feel so low. I feel unwanted, unloved, unsexy, unfeminine and also feel ashamed. I am ashamed that my husband no longer desires me and I am also ashamed that I still have sexual urges and have to resort to masturbation when I am really desperate.

I am wondering if he has low testosterone levels and he has an appointment with the urologist in three weeks. I have advised him to ask the urologist about the testosterone levels.

Until then, I am comforting myself the only way I know how with food and drink. Gaining weight by the day and just wish I could lie down in a corner and die. If I didn't have my kids, I would just disappear.

I have some really good, close female friends, but I absolutely could not talk to them about this. They all think that we two have an amazing sex life, because we always have had, and I feel too ashamed to let them know that this is how things are.

I feel like my husband has lied to me by telling me he couldn't have sex when it fact he had no desire at all.

Anyone out there got any words of wisdom or comfort?

Thanks.
Stop beating yourself up. your husband likely does have low T and it can be relayed to age, stress and other factors. LD is not always a result of anything that has to do with you.

Men I know on hormone replacement therapy had told me it did not matter what the woman looked like, they just had no desire, nothing at all. Miss America naked would not cause them any desire.

Viagra is a wonder drug and based on what you have mentioned and it not working it very likely is low T. Viagra only helps if the man has desire, it is not very effective with no or low T levels.

He is likely not happy, grumpy, short fused, tired a lot, foggy thinking, forgetful? These are all signs of low T. Stop eating and start to read about testosterone replacement, there are Gels and Shots and Implants. Give it time and things will improve in the bedroom.
 

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Maybe if you explain that you understand that and it's OK but you still need some sort of intimacy (oral, manual) and he doesn't need to perform penis-wise, maybe he'd feel better being intimate.
Also, this is good advice. Even if Mr. Winky isn't working, that doesn't mean he can't dine at the Y.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks to all of you for the good advice. He has offered on a very few occasions to do something for me, but I really do not find that offer very inviting.

I feel there is something a bit wrong about him making sure I have fun and then there is nothing I can do for him. Its kind of the dutiful wife in reverse. Just do your bit and let them get theirs, so you can then get peace and go to sleep.

Definitely going to explore the low testosterone theory though. Will keep you posted.
 

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By the time I was about 30, my sex drive had dropped a lot. But then I started taking test boosters and weight training and my sex drive went way back up, to when I was in my teens to early 20's.

Before, 1x per week, maybe 1x every 2 weeks.

After, 3x - 4x per week, sometimes every day and up to 3x a day
 

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Just saying...

if you were a man... and your wife was on the verge of a kidney transplant after having 'terrible' medical problems this year... and you largest concern was, basically... getting laid.. you would have been drawn and quartered on this board. Lambasted for being a callous, selfish, ape. Just saying.

regardless.. it IS unfortunate. Sorry for that. 2 years is a damn long time. 2 years in a lifetime is not that long provided he gets healthy again. THAT should be your goal.. NOT higher doses of viagra.. and I hope that you are not laying guilt on him.. which is almost assuredly so based on what you wrote.

It is perhaps far too easy for me to say - but I would think allowing him to complete his medical work, surgeries, etc ..and do what you can to give him the time and whatever it takes to recover without the drama. You have been married for 20 years - do I dare say 'shame on you' for feeling 'ashamed' that he 'doesnt desire you'... even though he is physically incapable? You say 'clearly he cannot'. So what the hairy he11 do you expect from him? You think you are going to 'fix' this by now asking him to check his testosterone? Give me a break.

Yeah.. it is frustration leaking out. I get it. You better shape up though. This is where that 20 years of marital investment pays off....for both of you.

Good gravy.. the more I consider this the more I feel like you are way off base here. I'd say more but I dont want to really rip into you without letting you defend yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Well when I posted on here, what I asked for was any words of wisdom or comfort. So, sorry "anotherguy", but that really was neither. I don't need anyone else to beat me up, I do that quite well myself thank you.

If you think I haven't supported my husband of 20 years, you couldn't be more wrong. My back is almost broken from the strain of carrying the entire family. No one could have given more in every way possible than I have to support my husband. His family think I am an angel. I am not an angel of course, just a wife who adores her husband and would do anything for him. Nobody however, is supporting me. And if you had read the post correctly, I did point out that it was a new revelation that he did not want to rather than cannot, which is why I felt a bit deceived.

I also had nothing to do with increasing the doses of viagra. That was the urologist.

And lastly, no, the main thing on my mind is not getting laid Sir. This is the end in a long long string of horrendous ordeals for me.
 

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Having sex with your partner is not about getting laid. Far from it! It's about bonding with that person physically and mentally. It makes your relationship a better one in my opinion.

My partner has also lost his sex drive and it makes me feel very undesirable. It's very difficult to stay objective and upbeat in this situation.

Hussy just try and look after yourself because otherwise you will just feel worse. My partner and I are trying to get back on track but its not an easy one
 

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...And if you had read the post correctly, I did point out that it was a new revelation that he did not want to rather than cannot, which is why I felt a bit deceived...
I read it perfectly. More than once. Just to make sure I wasnt misunderstanding what you wrote.

This is about a guy with ongoing medical issues, right? Just want to be clear on that.

So.. your husband has had years of medical issues.. and you feel he is now lying to you about poor sex. Do you think he is just working through his own guilt and self esteem issues about this maybe? You ("we") sought medical advice for the sex issues and now "I have advised him to ask the urologist about the testosterone levels."

Comforting in the last post? perhaps not. Widsom - perhaps not that either as you see it - but that is what I see. If this is all part of a 'long long string of horrendous ordeals', then perhaps understanding that would change my view. Otherwise - seems to me he has significant and continuing health issues that need attention before you might expect a robust return to where you would like to see them. Only his doctor can tell him if viagra and testosterone therapy is the best tact to take in the middle of all that. Good for both of you if you both feel that is something you want to pursue - if it is desirable to pursue that during... lets say a kidney transplant.

Really - Good luck.
 

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First, your husband should have been honest and explained his lack of disire. This was wrong. I would ask though if he felt like you would react how you are reacting? Going into a major depression and eating and drinking and wanting to disappear isn't what any husband wants for his wife, so if he felt like telling you he was having libido issues would cause that, maybe that's why he didn't tell you?

Secondly, going into the funk you are going into won't fix this. You won't be able to guilt him into wanting you, and I doubt that being depressed and gaining weight will help.

Third, at the very least, make him get on the ball with his medical issues as best he can. Go with him to his appointments and make sure he goes to other recommended appointments. Not just for his libido, but also because he's your husband and you love him and want him to be there for a long time.

In the meantime, I'd recommend sitting down with him and having an open, non-threatening/accusatory talk. Remind him of your relationship history and why sex is so important to you and to the relationship. Get the dialogue open and tell him that no matter what he has to say, you won't judge or be negative about it. If he thinks you're going to lock yourself in the bedroom with a box of kleenex and a box of oreo's if he says anything critical, you're not likely going to get him to work at all to improve things.
I agree with this. I also want to add that a medical condition could very well suck the life out of any desire, especially if the symptoms are omnipresent. If you were sick to your stomach one day or had the flu or just felt overly tired and had a headache, how much interest would you have in sex? If he doesn't feel "well" (even just knowing he isn't well may be enough) then he very well could lose interest for as long as he is unwell. I'm pretty sure that if I was unwell AND had problems maintaining an erection, my desire would be pretty low until I got that fixed. Until it gets fixed, I hope that he is willing to please you in another ways but you'll have to ask ... he may not be thinking about that right now. If there are any words of comfort, it is that the two of you have had a great sex life (wish I could say the same over my 20 year marriage) and now he has a medical condition that is causing problems in your sex life ... you aren't unloved and unwanted ... it wasn't you that caused the change in your sex life. Get him healthy and I would bet the farm that the two of you will regain that part of your relationship ... and you'll wonder why you ever felt this way.
 
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