Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am new to this website as I stumbled across it while looking for advice about my
situation. I am 150% positive my husband's family hates me and I have no clue what to do, or not to do, hiw I should proceed or if there is any hope for it ever getting better. So let me give some background details; (caution maybe long)

The hubby and I met in high school, became best friends and he fell madly in love with me. I kept telling him no bc I had a little girl that I had when I was 16 and I wasn't ready to get into a long term relationship and I wasn't about to subject my daughter to roller coaster of guys in and out. Needless to say my husband was persistent, he was a great support to both of us, my daughters bio abandoned her before birth. I came from a very abusive and dysfunctional home life, I had little to no supports, my father was gone 10 years previously due to his physical and sexual abuse and my mother was very self absorbed workaholic/alcoholic. I have no doubts she loved her kids, but couldn't be bothered to take the time to raise us and focused on her work and personal life more so. She also had poor money management and we were always struggling to pay bills, put food in the house and basically just lived in poverty. When I had my daughter my mom took it as a golden ticket for more money. Forced me to get welfare so she could cash the checks and took my Gov. Standard child tax benefits. Anyways my husband saw I needed a better life and vowed to be it. Sometimes I wonder if I was just a project he needed to fix as he's a tinkerer. Very good with his hands, born and bread blue collar country boy.

Anyways after a few years we started dating. I did truly love this man and he proved time and time again he was not the ********* I had come to know in my father and daughters bio. Unfortunately I came with alot of baggage, and I told him this. I was a train wreck. I suffered from severe PTSD from the physical and sexual abuse I faced for years, I was angry alot of the time, had a temper and could be extremely agressive and controlling. I suffered from social/unrealistic fear anxiety, depression and generally was a outcast with my peers. I was also only 19 and had never delt with my issues or learned to control my impulses and emotions. I was no prize winning girl, but deep down I've always been kind and caring, and I am very compassionate. I wanted to help others in need, i loved animals and could be very emotionally invested. I always felt a need to belong and wanted to learn to control my emotions better, I wanted to trust without question I wanted to be healthy mentally. I loved unconditionally when I was passionate about someone, I tried to fit in, but always found I did something or said something to jeopardize it.

Anyways my hubby accepted me for me and wanted me to get healthy. When we were dating his family was okay with me, once he proposed, game over. They told him I was no good for him, he could do better, I was ruining is potential and basically I was the poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks. They began meddling and sabotaging our wedding plans and his mother was manipulative and vindictive. I agree that they saw many of my undesirable traits and we're concerned for their son, however what they failed to see was how much my husband's love and support got me better. He supported me through my anger management, self esteem programs, and extensive therapy for many years. He made me finally feel like I mattered and that someone out there loved me for me dispite my demons. I finally felt like my life with my daughter had a purpose. And so the anger lifted and aggression faded. I learned to trust him and not feel the need to control everything, including him. However the damage my impression left was already there. His family assumed I was an awful horrible person, and although I did have these demons I was still a loving outgoing bubbly person. I love to dance and sing, cook and bake play with my daughter and to be the best parent I could be. I would not repeat my mother's ways. When I went to visit his family I was.always respectful, polite and offered to help. I would assist with cooking and cleaning and I attended every family dinner/function/hoilday. Even tho they whispered about me, barley engaged in conversation with me and in general made me feel I didn't belong. My husband is the 2nd oldest of 5 kids and was the first to.
settle down. His siblings hated me bc instead of going out with them to party he stayed home with me and OUR daughter. They were still in the phase of drinking, smoking, doing drugs and whatnot. He refused to go bc he didn't want to get caught up in it. They then assumed I was controlling him and that I was changing him for the worse. In the end with all the negitive support we choose to elope. Man that was a fail. I sealed my fate that day. I was marked hated from then on. And it just got worse from there.

I've always been head strong and honest, I've never been one to bite my tongue when I felt my values/beliefs/parenting style was under attack. I'm very open minded, however I've never been opposed to speaking up and being honest about my feelings. I respect others views and choices however I don't tolerate when others cross my personal boundaries or disrespect my values. I don't just fly off the handle and go from nice to *****, I do try to bring it up in a respectful manner, and only resort to ***** when necessary. However with the Hubby's family I bit my tongue, I didn't speak up unless absolutely necessary, like no I'm not okay with my 4 year old riding a Harley yet, or playing with makeup. Needless to say I tolerated being left out, gossiped about and treated unfairly. I tolerated being called a *****, lier, thief and drug addict. I tolerated his family trying everything in their power to ruin our marriage, I didn't peep up and still attended all functions. When we had children of our own (now in total we have 5) they accused me of cheating and flat out asked me if the baby was my husband's one time. They then would only visit when I was at work or invite the husband and kids over when I wasn't around. My husband brought this up, they denied it. On a few occasions my husband talked to them about how they treated me, they denied it and it only made them angrier at me. Then his sister was calling me down in front of our oldest then 10 years old saying horrible things in front of my child. I asked my daughter to leave the room and his sister blew up at me and I lost it. I had enough! and I told his whole family off and told his sister that if she has such an issue with me then let's take it outside and deal with it. Not my finest moment but I was done trying to fit into a family that clearly didn't want me. I was done being belittled, told I was less of a person and that I ruined my husband's life. I told them I was never coming back. And I didn't go back for over a year. But I felt guilty, I felt that over time.
my husband would resent me and we tried working it out. It's been 3 years since and I haven't spoken to his sister and she refuses to be around when we're around, making family gatherings and hoildays difficult. We generally get excluded and uninvited. We get left out of birthdays, camping trips, hoildays dinners, baby showers and anything important bc his sister will be there and she gets priority. She also has no kids or anything but gets priority over me and my kids. 3 of our kids are much older and can see and feel it and it's not fair. My husband told his mother it's not fair and if we can sit in the same room and be civil why are we being left out. That if his sister can't be civil that's her choice not to attend, but we shouldn't be completely disregarded. This still changes nothing, becuase his mother would rather his sister attend then us qand her 5 grandkids. Also his brother just had his first baby, the second sibling now to get married and have a family and she favors her. My SIL and MIL get along like besties dao my MIL favors the new baby. There's not a single picture of our kids up, and we've given plenty including framed ones so there was no excuse for why they aren't up. They are crammed in a closet in a back unused room and the walls and shelves are filled with the SIL baby and even the SIL sisters babies!!

I'm at a loss what to do. I know nothing is going to change as its been over 11 years and they still hate me. But when is enough enough?? I can't stand the idea of disowning them bc I know that will lead to regret and resentment eventually from the hubby even tho he says it won't. But I don't know how much more I can take or how much more hurt my kids should feel. The older ones are feeling rejected and no longer have an interest in going over. However due to my horrible childhood and dysfunction I'm estranged from my family and it feels very alone. It's depressing to say the least and I feel like I have no one but my husband and kids. I feel like he'd be better off without me, that I ruined his family (which I was actually told by my SIL and MIL) I feel like he deserves a wife they can be proud of and a wife he can bring home. My husband tells me he didn't pick his family but he picked me and he loves me more than anything. We have a great marriage to this day. We communicate we share responsibilities, we laugh and cuddle all the time and other than his family drama it's perfect between us. Of course we have problems time to time, stresses, money problems from time to time and we occasionally argue but that's all part of a healthy normal relationship. So what can we do? Should I write them off? Or keep up with the fake relationship that is and feel hurt all the time. I mean it easy to say expect not to be included but it doesn't make it hurt any less... more so for the kids. They miss out on a healthy relationship with grandparents aunts uncles and cousins. I need some advice on how to go.witb this, what I could.do or what some of you would do in this situation.

Sorry for the long read... I suppose that's as much of an intro as it gets!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,716 Posts
Your original post disappeared and was replaced by your correction. I remember what you wrote, however.

Your husband told you that "He did not choose his family, but he chose you."

Listen to him, and cling to that. If your husband were siding with his family, you would have a real problem. However he recognizes that his family are the ones in the wrong, and he is defending you and your children.

It sounds like you have really grown as a person over the years. It also sounds like your husband saw a diamond in the rough, and has been there for you, and is still there.

Do not imagine your husband and children would be better off without you, as you said you were thinking. He knows his family is messed up. They were like this before you came into the picture. He and your children are better off WITH YOU more than they would be with his family. His family is toxic. You are not.

You have been nothing but sweet and cooperative with his family. It sounds like you have 100% more class and more to offer to any relationship than they have.

Don't think that his family is better than yours, just because his parents aren't divorced. Your mother was a single mom, and so were you, however his parents are not loving, they are blind to their own children's dysfunctions and choose them just because they are blood.

You said that your husband's siblings hated you because your husband stayed home with you and his children instead of going out drinking and drugging with them. They are the dysfunctional ones, not your husband. He did the right thing staying home with his family.

I am getting the feeling that you and your husband have made better choices than your husband's parents and siblings, and that is the real reason they don't like you. They are either jealous of you, or they feel self conscious because they know you are a in another class than they are. Your good choices make them feel uncomfortable. Don't take it personally.

We had a similar situation with out families. We have had to do most things alone, have raised our children alone, etc., while our families chose to do things together. They feel more comfortable with each other, since they share similar values, which are not the same as ours.

I do feel sad to not have an extended family network, but we are much happier having less contact with our families, due to the drama that they cause, and the negative influence they have on us and our children.

We have found our support group at our church(es) wherever we have lived. We have more in common with them than we do with either of our families. We are all much happier and mentally healthier if we have more close friends and mentors than just us, so our children love to be involved in the church too.

Is that an option for you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thank you so much for your response. It really made me feel much better. I feel you hit the nail straight on the head on several points. And you are absolutely right, we have come so far and I am a much happier person in genral. I love my kids with all my heart and I have not repeated the cycle of abuse that was my childhood. They are happy, bright, well loved and taken care of kids. They make me proud everyday. And yes I agree our values and way of raising our kids is very different than that of his family and I am often ridiculed for my way of parenting. I've always been partial to attachment parenting, building strong bonds with my babies (and not so babies anymore) and they say I'm sheltering them or I'm to involved and get upset with the way we do things. They're okay with drinking in front of kids at hoildays and I am not, just random ways I choose to parent is criticized. It just a matter of funding our own inner circle of friends and supports. We currently do not attend a church but have discussed it many times. Once again thank you for your response, it really did make my day :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
I felt like my Mother in Law hated me. We had a very antagonistic relationship. She died a few years ago and my one regret is that I wasn't the bigger person and be nice to her and smile through all the nastiness that she was handing me. So my advice would be to smile, don't let them see they are getting to you and punch your pillow, couch, other soft thing when you get home (when your daughter isn't in the room obviously)
Good for you for all that you have overcome and for finding someone who loves you unconditionally
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top