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Hello everyone,
I am really confused about this and need some unbiased feedback. I am not even sure what it is that I am worried about, but I know that I feel very uncomfortable with the situation-- I just don't know if I am overreacting. This is sooooo long, so upfront apologies...

I'll give you as much info as I can so that you get the picture:

I have a fun, extremely loving relationship with my husband. One topic however, almost always starts an argument: his best friend.

They have known eachother since college. I haven't spent more than a few hours (total) around him, because from the moment he met me, it was pretty clear that he wasn't crazy about me. I chalked it up to him "losing" his best friend to a serious relationship, and didn't think much more about it. However at our wedding he was best man, and all day long looked like someone had just killed his puppy. I can't tell you how many people asked what was wrong with him- why he looked so sad. I thought it was strange, but again thought he was just upset that his best bud was married now and not a bachelor like him anymore.

Through the years,during the few times I have seen him, I try to engage him and ask questions to try and be friendly/get to know a little about him, but he is barely responsive- would not make eye contact and gave one word answers. I also noticed that he would take little diggs at me, which would later be explained by my husband as "his humor".

A few years ago, he moved to the city we live in (from a state 12 hours away) to "try out a new place". Once he was here, he acted as if I wasn't in the picture- calling my husband many times a day, and religiously every weekend night (and some weeknights) to ask him to go to clubs/bars. Once in a blue moon my husband would go, but mostly he would say that he wanted to spend time with me.

The best friend ended up moving out of state for another job, but quickly changed his mind and wanted to moved back. He proceeded to ask my husband if he could move in with us, and thank goodness my husband said no.

This weekend was a blowout. We had plans to go away for the weekend, and the best friend ended up being in our city that weekend with his cousin, had a fight with the cousin and "had no where to go". Naturally, my husband said "why not join us?" and I was totally cool with it, since it has been months since they have hung out and I know they miss eachother. We brought him with us, and he proceeded to take digs at me all weekend (all when husband was not around). At one point he asked me if we were going to have kids. When I responded that we were trying now, he looked flabbergasted and said "REALLY?? because whenever I ask him, and I ask him ALL the time, he says 'noooo man... nooooo'." I played it off like it was funny, and asked my husband about it later. My husband was so confused and said he constantly tells his best friend that we are exited and starting to try now. Again, he chalked it up to his best friend's "humor". At another point, my husband had gone shopping and bought me a dress. After thanking him and telling him how beautiful it was, my husband left the room and the best friend came up to me and said "what, you can't even say thank you? You can't hug him? You can't show him some kind of love?" It made me sick. I replied that I had thanked him, instead of telling this guy what I really thought. My husband and I are always very affectionate, but we tone it down around him because he is clearly bothered by it.

Then the worst part- We were at dinner- my family and mother-in-law were there too. We order our food, and as soon as our food comes, before all of the plates are even down, the best friend cuts some of his steak and puts it on my husband's plate. I almost fell off my chair- it just struck me as such a coupley thing to do. My husband kind of hesitated for a second, looked at the steak, and then kind of shrugged his shoulders and cut a piece of his food off and gave it to the best friend. I was livid. No one in my family saw it, but when I asked my mom about it after, her reaction was close to mine.

Ok, so that's the story. There are SOO many more instances of mean/inappropriate comments, jabs and strange behavior but I dont want to take up any more space.

What does this mean? Is this guy after my husband? I feel a tension when we are all together, that feels like 2 girls liking the same guy. It drives me nuts. I haven't said anything to him out of respect for my husband, but I am at a breaking point. I don't care if he is gay- most of my male friends are- but he needs to understand that my husband is MY husband... not his.

I talked to my husband about everything and said that his friend's behavior makes me very uncomfortable, and my husband got really really upset. Said I was accusing someone of something very serious (being gay, I guess?), and that it was really making him uncomfortable. He didn't speak to me for a full day and even now things are tense. He said I am completely off the mark, and that they are "like brothers" and his friend just has a "weird humor". I'm sorry but I have never even seen brothers put food on eachother's plate like that. I am confused because not only did my husband basically say I was wrong for being offended and bothered, but now HE is mad at ME... Somehow it seems backwards.

Am I worried that my husband will be taken away by his possibly gay friend? no, I guess not. Am I worried that his friend is trying to make us fight and put a wedge between us? Yes, definitely and I think he is starting to be sucessful.

What do I do? Does this seem strange to anyone?

Thanks for reading- I tried to edit it down!
 

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Best thing you can do? Ignore it.

You really cannot win here. If your husband doesn't 'see' it, then there are two important points:
1. Even if the guy does want to go all Broke-Back Mountain on your husband, your man obviously isn't on the same page.

2. You trying to get your husband to 'see' it, can only be harmful to you.

Whether or not he is gay is irrelevant. Focus on the behavior, and your own boundaries when he is around.

If he is disrespectful - call him on it. If he is being passive aggressive, call him out.
If he feigns that he is joking, or using humor - tell him nobody, especially you, thinks it's funny. And importantly, ask him not to do it again.

Honestly, the best thing you can accomplish is to treat him respectfully, and let him hang himself. If he is treating you poorly, make sure or even foster circumstances where your husband has no choice to acknowledge it.

Don't try to be nice to, or be friendly with this guy. Stake your boundaries, and defend them with brutal dignity.

I had friends in a similar circumstance. One friend felt abandonment when the other married. He focused all of his negativity on the wife. One night the three of us were out at a bar, and the shunned friend decided to tell the other how he felt like his marriage had ruined their friendship, he didn't understand how this 'b!tch' could walk in and take away everything that their friendship had been built on. He proceeded to refer to the wife, as childish, selfish, and stupid.

My married friend said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it isn't ok for you to go off on my wife." And that was it. Friendship over.
 

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I don't think your husband's friend is gay. I have been in a similiar situation, so I think I get how you feel.

Although we were already married when they met, this guy pretty much attached himself to my husband's hip. It was so bad, that another friend and I called him my husband's other wife. He was always around, and mooched off of us constantly, made rude comments to me when no one else was around. He'd ask my husband to approach women for him (because he was too shy...yeah right) when they were out playing pool together.

The first few times I brought up my issues with his friend, my husband defended him. I told the friend to get his own husband, because this one was mine. He laughed.

I decided I wasn't going to let him get his sneaky, snide comments in when no one was around. I avoided any chance of being alone with him. If he made a quiet comment that only I could hear, I would loudly repeat his comment and ask him to clarify what that was supposed to mean (so hubby could hear it). Luckily, for me, that worked, and my husband wasn't all too happy with his friend.

The friend is still around, but a lot less than before. My husband is now more aware of how he treats me and doesn't tolerate any disrespect towards me.

I think what you need to do is get your husband to understand how this guy treats you and makes you feel. Easier said than done without sounding like a whiney nag. Your husband needs to quit making excuses for his friend's sense of humor, and see his comments are disrespectful to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Deejo and Scarletblue- Thank you guys so much for weighing in on my post.. You both pretty much reassured the things I was thinking myself.

I agree- Whether he is straight, bi, gay, asexual- I don't care- that is his business. I just want there to be some kind of boundaries... When I was talking to my sister about it, I related to her how I felt when the friend placed his food on my husband's plate- It felt like since the friend couldn't pee on him to claim his territory, he did that. It was almost like he was letting me know that my husband was "his first" if that makes sense.

I think most of all, I am upset with myself for rolling over and allowing him to keep jabbing at me. I am normally someone who doesn't take anyone's crap, but I acted very submissive and very sweet to him all weekend despite what he was doing. I just didn't want my husband to feel uncomfortable or that I was disrespecting his friend. I have to tell my husband though that I will be standing up for myself the next time it happens. I cannot let someone speak to me that way.

I asked my husband if we could speak tonight, so we will see how that goes. One of his responses was that "what I accused his friend of and what I had done" was really "taking a toll" on him.. I don't understand how his friend treating me like crap and my husband not seeming to acknowledge it is something that could possibly take a toll on HIM. I guess I need to ask and find out.

Thank you so much again. You have no idea how much your responses have helped me.
 

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The way things are said can be ambiguous sometimes, losing the meaning and making implications. I don't really know how you presented your case and expressed your concern to your husband, but if it was anything about the guy liking him, then your husband was naturally and understandably put on the defensive.....and therefore made to feel uncomfortable as you say. The reason is that, they are best friends (which is a close relationship) and that they have been best friends for a very long time. So, if you are suggesting to him the guy is romantically interested in your husband, then that has to infer that your husband encouraged the guy's romantic notions in some way since he remained friends with him for so long. See why hubby is upset? It isn't necessarily that he turned it on you and turned against you. It is more that he can't believe you would imply such a thing. And because this is what he understands from your conversation, he is unable to defend you because that part of your concern is blocked by the part to which he took offense. He would even feel that way whether it is true or not.

So, as was suggested, stick to the specifics of what the guy does and says to you. And where that's concerned, scarletblue handled it really well to ensure the guy is discovered by her husband. Also, she was wise not to permit him by staying away when no one else was around. Or, you can always make sure you have a hidden tape recorder while in his presence. That's easy to do, and he will never be the wiser.
 

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Thanks everyone for your replies (even the not-so-helpful last two comments).

We had a loooong calm discussion about it, and my husband actually apologized for not taking my feelings more seriously the night we first spoke about it. He admitted that he may incorrect when he says his friend's comments are "jokes and humor". He let me know that I am his priority and he has no problem cutting someone off who is disprespecting me- best friend or not. I explained that this would not be what I wanted, but I wanted this friend to know that he would not be making those comments anymore. I let my husband know that I would not be letting the friend get away with it if and when it was to happen again. My husband said that he wants to have a talk with the friend about his behavior towards me.

Susan, you were right- he was defensive because of my comments about his friend's behavior with HIM. It made him feel that I was making the focus about whether this guy was gay or not. While his friend's behavior with my husband does make me very uncomfortable, I should not have made that one of the focuses of the conversation, because it almost stopped him from hearing anything else.

I am so thankful for all of your advice- It really helped me go into the conversation feeling calmer and more confident about my position. I am grateful that I have a husband who is willing to discuss things and be open to seeing my side of things. I now know that my husband has my best interest in mind and will do anything to make sure I am not feeling disrespected.

thank you all again!!
 

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I think your first assumption is likely to be correct... this guy is gay (even if he's "in the closet... his actions are that of a jealous gay-guy).

Kill him with kindness and he'll hang himself.
 

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yes i totaly agree.... the best friend is gay...
after i read your story, i asked my hubby about it and if his best mate did that to him(the thing with the steak on the plate) and all the other things going on and he said ofcourse the guy is gay.. cause thats not humor or normal.

my advice to u is to be smart about it, find out what that best friend fears and hold it aginst him, make him uncomfy around you,and every time his there, kiss and hug your man constantly, keeping both eyes on him, indicating that the hubby is yours.

i think the best friend is planning to remove u then take your place after your gone...giving the sad hubby a worm shoulder to cry on then getting him drunk enough not to care. thats what i think...if i was you, il remove that crasy gay guy away. trust me, what his doing is totaly gay
 

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Sorry but it sounds like this BFF of your hubs is really in love with him and he resents you being around. You take time and attention away from him. One wonders why he does not have any girlfriend or even other good male friends to hang out. Two reasons perhaps, He is gay and He is in love with your husband. He sounds like a very negative person also. Of course the more you try to convince your hubs that this guy is gay, the more your hubs will defend his BFF. The male ego does not like to think their "male buddy" wants to get naked with them. That freaks them out. However that seems to be the case here. I have my husbands friend who never goes on dates, or refers to women in any context, who prefers to sit in my house with my husband and I on weekend nights, when he should be out in bars / clubs having fun and looking for girls. He has made some remarks like he prefers only eastern european women, that he is not attracted to any other women. Meanwhile there is a huge population of eastern europeans about two miles from where he lives. We live in a melting pot of a city. My feeling is he is in love with my husband. By the way he looks at him, the way he remains sitting in the passenger seat of our car when I get in the car. Shouldn't the wife sit passenger and the buddy sit in the back?
 

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OP is long gone on this. The thread is 16 months old
 
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