Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband I finally had an opportunity to get away for a few days and, unfortunately, less than 24 hours into our trip, I fell and injured my shoulder badly. We ended up having to go home and now I'm facing surgery in a few days.

My husband's reaction to it all has been weird at best. Our relationship has had it's rough spells over the years but lately things had been going well and the trip was helping us reconnect. We were having a great time until my mishap. Since the fall he's been distant. He's helped me yes, but it comes off as a duty or chore more than a loving gesture. After a couple days of feeling like I was an imposition to him, I confronted him on it and, in his usual way, he said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then did his typical, "I'll try to act the way you want me to", etc. I said he shouldn't have to do what I want, he should want to do it. I told him he was making me feel like this was a huge inconvenience for him and felt guilty for getting hurt. I explained that I felt he wasn't being sensitive to my feelings and what I'm going through - my life has changed significantly for awhile - my job depends on the use of my arm (my dominant side was the one hurt), I can no longer enjoy any of the summer activities I like to do, I can't even drive my sports car as it's a standard. His response "do you know how much I've had to sacrifice because of this?" I was blown away by that comment. I don't know what sacrifices he's making. He had already planned the time off so did I ruin it but getting hurt? He still has the use of both arms so his golf game isn't affected. He now gets to drive my car because I can't. As far as I can tell, everything he was doing before, he's doing now. Oh wait, is it the fact that he had to cook a couple meals and pick up the house? I guess the fact that I'm no longer doing everything and at his beck and call is a sacrifice for him. And to top it all off, he hasn't come near me since my fall, it's almost as if he's not attracted to me anymore - not that he's afraid of hurting me but like he's turned off by me. I don't get it.

My husband has always been a bit of a narcissist but after 21 years of marriage, you would think that putting someone else first when they're faced with a health issue would be his first priority.

Of course now that I said something he's all acting sweet and nice, but the damage has been done and I just can't get over the fact that his initial reaction to my mishap was selfishness.

Am I wrong to be upset by this behavior?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,470 Posts
Some people react to life changes differently. Your day to day has changed since the result of an injury. Your H day to day will change as well. Not sure what he means by sacrifice. One day he just might need you to "sacrifice" while he is healing. Last I recall, better or worse. Sickness and health are generally said at the wedding. Was your H version something different?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,027 Posts
We all know about the "sickness and health" part of the marriage vows.

But to some people, those are just words that they parroted off.

You now know that your husband is not sympathetic when you are sick. A lot of people are like that, btw. Sickness and ill health are repulsive to them. Maybe it scares them on some level; reminds them of their own frailty and mortality.

So, remember this about your husband. Consider it when you think of the future. He's not a natural caretaker or nurse.

And I hope your shoulder gets better soon. From personal experience, I know that can take a long time to heal. Some folks heal quicker if they get cortisone shots? You may have already asked your doc about that; but if you haven't, why not give it a try?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,991 Posts
That is very sad.
My wife drives me nuts sometimes, but I am always aware that if she is injured it is in no way her fault - even if the injury is the result of a bad decision. She gets my full sympathy and I do everything I can to help her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,751 Posts
"Maybe it scares them on some level; reminds them of their own frailty and mortality."

My husband would be a basket case when I was ill or had to have a little surgery. "I want you fixed!". It was a combination of fear for me and fear for himself. He was pretty good at taking care of me, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,015 Posts
My husband has always been a bit of a narcissist but after 21 years of marriage, you would think that putting someone else first when they're faced with a health issue would be his first priority.

Of course now that I said something he's all acting sweet and nice, but the damage has been done and I just can't get over the fact that his initial reaction to my mishap was selfishness.

Am I wrong to be upset by this behavior?
No, your reaction isn't wrong. But if he has narcissistic traits, your expectations of him may be figuring into this. We all have expectations of how our partner should treat us. Expectations can cause us disappointment. In this case, it sounds like yours did.

Sure, he should be concerned and caring. But the reality is, he probably isn't that type of person. Maybe he's bummed that his vacation was cut short by your accident. That is very self-centered, but that might be the kind of guy he is.

I quit getting angry and disappointed when I learned my husband didn't give a damn when I was ill. For the most part, I took care of myself and wrote him out of the equation.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,827 Posts
If he has narcissistic traits, how he's acting is who he really is. Life's about him. So, yes, your injury is a burden to him. A major burden.

Let me give you an example. My ex-husband was a heart patient for about ten years. There were many ER visits at all hours of the day and night (most were anxiety but some were heart related). My life revolved around his health issues. I did everything. Then I had to have major surgery and was unable to lift anything for three weeks. I totally took care of myself -- and from experience expected nothing from him and I was totally okay with that. What I wanted him to do was just not complicate things while I was recovering. What did he do? Got a puppy that required my help. Yes, I should have put the puppy back on another plane and sent it back to the breeder but I fell in love with that sweet little puppy (who now weighs 120 pounds).

That was the story of my life for the 45 years I was married to him. Getting someone with narcissistic traits to become empathetic is a battle I didn't win. You may not either, unfortunately.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
He might be feeling resentful towards you because you had to cut your vacation short because of your injury. It's not your fault you got injured I know, but he sounds self centered. Also most men are not as good at care taking as women are. When the man becomes ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. But when a women becomes ill about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced. I'm not saying that's where your marriage is headed I'm just saying that most men aren't as supportive and willing to caretake and take on the household duties when their wife is sick. Hopefully once you get better you can reschedule your vacation and reconnect again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,848 Posts
That blows. I hope you heal fast

In many things, people just dont know how to react, which makes them uncomfortable. Sometimes its worth it to find out what is really gping on.

BUT...if its been the same for 21 years...maybe he's just a douche. Bummer...ask for complicated meals...it might make tou feel better
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,623 Posts
I'm so sorry, I hope you're feeling better & not in much pain.
Jeez, what's it going to be like in the later years when you're older, if he's behaving this way now?

When my husband got injured it didn't feel like a chore/job, it felt nice to look after him & tend to his needs.
And I know he'd be the same way for me.

You deserve so much better than his selfishness.





Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
It's a class 5 separation --- all tendons broken. I wish cortisone would help but surgery is the only real fix. Thanks for the suggestion though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
Am I wrong to be upset by this behavior
If I say no, it could fuel your prideful indignation. For this problem to be resolved, there can be none.


After a couple days of feeling like I was an imposition to him, I confronted him on it and, in his usual way, he said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then did his typical, "I'll try to act the way you want me to",
Passive-aggressive behavior, on his end.

As a lesson, if we say "I am sorry you feel that way", it is very dismissive. As such, his next statement falls directly in line. Communication like this speaks to a disconnection.

My question to you is how you confronted him. Please elaborate.

etc. I said he shouldn't have to do what I want, he should want to do it. I told him he was making me feel like this was a huge inconvenience for him and felt guilty for getting hurt.
This comes off as an accusation. He is going to be defensive, instead of compassionate towards you.

I explained that I felt he wasn't being sensitive to my feelings and what I'm going through - my life has changed significantly for awhile - my job depends on the use of my arm (my dominant side was the one hurt), I can no longer enjoy any of the summer activities I like to do, I can't even drive my sports car as it's a standard. His response "do you know how much I've had to sacrifice because of this?" I was blown away by that comment.
You explained your plight, and he reacts by explaining his plight. It is victim vs. victim. This type of communication won't work in a disconnected relationship.

I don't know what sacrifices he's making.
He views his new burden as a sacrifice.


He had already planned the time off so did I ruin it but getting hurt?
Just as he is failing to empathize>sympathize, you are doing the same.

He still has the use of both arms so his golf game isn't affected. He now gets to drive my car because I can't. As far as I can tell, everything he was doing before, he's doing now.
You will always be able to find that he isn't being affected by your awful injury. Find things that show he is being affected by it.

Oh wait, is it the fact that he had to cook a couple meals and pick up the house? I guess the fact that I'm no longer doing everything and at his beck and call is a sacrifice for him. And to top it all off, he hasn't come near me since my fall, it's almost as if he's not attracted to me anymore - not that he's afraid of hurting me but like he's turned off by me. I don't get it.
Bluntly put, I sense a lot of victim vs. victim and indignation. It isn't the injury. It isn't the extra work load or lack of this and that. it is how you two have tried to come to terms with it.

My husband has always been a bit of a narcissist but after 21 years of marriage, you would think that putting someone else first when they're faced with a health issue would be his first priority.

Of course now that I said something he's all acting sweet and nice, but the damage has been done and I just can't get over the fact that his initial reaction to my mishap was selfishness.
Do you want to be right or happy?

Now that he is doing what you want him to, you still hold him in contempt, instead of appreciating it.


The disconnection and maladaptive communication is to blame. The actions you both take are extremely predictable. Thus, the results of those actions are extremely predictable.

If the results of this thread are to paint him to be "the jerk" and you "the victim", then I can guarantee the result; it won't be a good one. As such, you have to decide if you want to take the actions necessary to turn this predicament into a good one. Do you want righteously indignant feelings, or ones speaking of the romantic connection?

May your recovery be successful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,218 Posts
What about a compromise?

Ask around to your friends, find a highschool kid to come over a few times a week to help around the house. Maybe wash the floors, vacuum and change the sheets?

Seems like a win/win. Chores will get done, and H will think you are looking out for him.....which may lead him to be more sympathetic about your recovery. Win/win is way better than a pissing match.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,027 Posts
It's a class 5 separation --- all tendons broken. I wish cortisone would help but surgery is the only real fix. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Whew, I'm so sorry, you must be in a lot of pain (when your painkillers wear off).

Like SunnyT suggested, you should probably get some assistance for the household duties. If you don't, your house will probably look like a bomb got dropped on it in no time.

If you can find a trustworthy high-school kid, great. There are also professional maid services who should have performed background checks on their employees.

Would your insurance cover a home health aide? Someone to come and help you with your arm; doing PT, fixing up your bandages/sling, helping you bathe (very difficult when you can't move your arm around to your back). They might do chores too.

You'll at least be familiar with the types of help that are available and what they cost. Good info to have going forward, knowing that your husband is not a willing helper when you are sick.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top