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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
im 38 and my husband is 40. i've been married over 10 years and for the past several years my husband has let me go months at a time without sex. and for even longer than that i've not been able to initiate anything. I've introduced porn movies into the bedroom but i dont know if that is such a great idea. we are currently separated for about 2 months and he swears he can make me happy but i dont think he can. only thing hes shown me since has been crazy behavior and anger and he's blamed everything he can for our separation. long before the separation i randomly ran into an old friend that i hadnt seen in 20 years and we developed a friendship. he has been a good friend to me and tried to help me out with listening to my grief. but since the separation i feel as though he has potential to be so much more of what i want out of a partner. i have feelings for him and he has feeling for me, but he doesnt want to be the cause of the divorce and will be there for me if i do divorce. and if thats not enough... in my husbands eyes, hes now the blame for the separation as well. even though we've never done anything and he doesnt even live in the same state. AND, if that wasnt enough, my husband just had a heart attack this week. i am completely torn and dont know what to do.
 

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If he had a heart attack at 40, there's probably a lot going on physically that would decrease his sex drive.

And you connecting with another guy who is a "a good friend to me" and "has potential to be so much more of what i want out of a partner" and "will be there for me if i do divorce" sounds like you have already started the check-out process.

I think you need to step back and look at what the issues are in your marriage. lack of sex isn't an issue, it's a result of a lot of other things. Figure out what they are and whether they can be fixed before sizing up your next partner.
 

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You need to make a decision. Do you want to work on things with your husband, do you want to try and salvage it? if so, drop this other "friend". I'm not saying he is the cause of the issues with your husband but I am saying he will not help anything.

If you both want to save your marriage then I'd suggest some MC (marriage counseling) ASAP. If you don't want to go or you husband doesn't, and neither of you are in it to save it, then file for divorce and get on with your lives.

Why will your husband not have sex with you? This all started before your new friend entered the picture correct?
 

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If he had a heart attack at 40, there's probably a lot going on physically that would decrease his sex drive.

And you connecting with another guy who is a "a good friend to me" and "has potential to be so much more of what i want out of a partner" and "will be there for me if i do divorce" sounds like you have already started the check-out process.

I think you need to step back and look at what the issues are in your marriage. lack of sex isn't an issue, it's a result of a lot of other things. Figure out what they are and whether they can be fixed before sizing up your next partner.
heart disease would /could be the biggest factor in his disinterest in sex if your circulatory systerm isn't working good then mr willy is not working good.

I would sugest that if you guys are going to make another go at your relationship a healthy life style change should be in order.
 

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I'm starting to think this is part of peoples problems. They are so wrapped up in and worried about their lack of sex from their spouse, that they over look the big picture as to why something might be the way it is. They put to much energy into one part of the marriage and not seeing the whole thing.
 

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I'm starting to think this is part of peoples problems. They are so wrapped up in and worried about their lack of sex from their spouse, that they over look the big picture as to why something might be the way it is. They put to much energy into one part of the marriage and not seeing the whole thing.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 

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I'm starting to think this is part of peoples problems. They are so wrapped up in and worried about their lack of sex from their spouse, that they over look the big picture as to why something might be the way it is. They put to much energy into one part of the marriage and not seeing the whole thing.
:iagree: Did this with my own husband. Totally missed what was really going on.
 

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The dude just had a heart attack, you're squarely wrapped up in an EA, and you think he's wrong in blaming the OM?

There are more issues here than just lack of sex for the sake of it. He may be physcially unable to perform, and emotionally embarassed to let you know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
alot going on. he's lazy in life just like he is in love.
he'd be content with a platonic relationship. i dont want that.
my days of having roomates are long behind me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You need to make a decision. Do you want to work on things with your husband, do you want to try and salvage it? if so, drop this other "friend". I'm not saying he is the cause of the issues with your husband but I am saying he will not help anything.

If you both want to save your marriage then I'd suggest some MC (marriage counseling) ASAP. If you don't want to go or you husband doesn't, and neither of you are in it to save it, then file for divorce and get on with your lives.

Why will your husband not have sex with you? This all started before your new friend entered the picture correct?
we both go to counseling separately. but i will not go with him because last time we tried that he lied to our counselor on several occasions.
this has gone on for years. has nothing to do with my life long, not new friend. i spent 6 months of humiliation on the couch last year and 4 the year before that. its been going on for what seems like forever. he basically just refuses to speak my love language.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
The dude just had a heart attack, you're squarely wrapped up in an EA, and you think he's wrong in blaming the OM?

There are more issues here than just lack of sex for the sake of it. He may be physcially unable to perform, and emotionally embarassed to let you know.
he's totally wrong in blaming the friend. my husband and i are separated. the blaming my friend was just a shot in the dark. he's actually threatened to tell my family about my friend if i didnt stop talking to him as well. but the problem is. theres nothing to tell.
the issues are the only time there is any physical touch in our relationship its several months apart. no kissing, no huggiing, no anything.
 

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Having been married to a guy who withholds sex, i empathize with you. And unlike the others i think if this other guy makes you happy you ought to go for it. definitely. withholding sex, especially with no explanation, is debase and cruel and more then worthy of divorce. Especially if he's lying to the counselor. He sounds like a real piece of work.

This has nothing to do with the heart attack. Your H is unhealthy and has suffered the consequences. Its that simple. Could it have effected his sex drive? Of course. Did he do anything about it?? NO!!! He didn't care. He'd rather wallow in an unhealthy lifestyle then participate in a healthy marriage. He has suffered the consequences. Take care of your own happiness or you might be following in his foots steps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
alot of these responses made me laugh. im not wrapped up in any EA with the friend. im a separated woman. and i have deep meaningful conversations with a friend. the kind of conversations i have never had with my husband. is that really squarely wrapped up? not at all.
 

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Your title reads: "husband wont let me initiate and lets me go months without sex."

You are separated, so I'm assuming this no longer matters? What caused the separation to begin with? Did you all separate due to him with holding sex from you? If so, did you find out why he was doing that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Your title reads: "husband wont let me initiate and lets me go months without sex."

You are separated, so I'm assuming this no longer matters? What caused the separation to begin with? Did you all separate due to him with holding sex from you? If so, did you find out why he was doing that?
well, I love him but I don't want a roomate. I want a husband. I just couldnt continue with the loneliness and humiliation. that's why we're separated.
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Lucky you that you have separated and even found someone who could be a potential mate! Don't listen to the others. Leave while you can!

I spent a similar period with my husband. I didn't understand what was going on and he would never say. That really hurt me!!

You are separated, so I don't consider it an extramarital affair. I was "separated" from my first husband for 2 years before we divorced. During that period I did date other men. I didn't feel I was doing anything immoral. I know you say you are not having an affair, but it is clear that this could be a potential mate, not a completely platonic relationship.

Sometime we get married and it does not work out the way we expect but we are stuck because of finances or fear of being alone. That is apparently not your case.

Sorry he had a heart attack, but no point of staying because of pity. he clearly has issues!

RUN!!! I wish I were in your shoes! I want to run too!! So bad!
 

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marriagesucks,

Not to hijack, but why aren't you then running?


Lucky you that you have separated and even found someone who could be a potential mate! Don't listen to the others. Leave while you can!

I spent a similar period with my husband. I didn't understand what was going on and he would never say. That really hurt me!!

You are separated, so I don't consider it an extramarital affair. I was "separated" from my first husband for 2 years before we divorced. During that period I did date other men. I didn't feel I was doing anything immoral. I know you say you are not having an affair, but it is clear that this could be a potential mate, not a completely platonic relationship.

Sometime we get married and it does not work out the way we expect but we are stuck because of finances or fear of being alone. That is apparently not your case.

Sorry he had a heart attack, but no point of staying because of pity. he clearly has issues!

RUN!!! I wish I were in your shoes! I want to run too!! So bad!
 

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I honestly don't get why a guy doesn't want sex. That makes absolutely no sense to my mind. A lot of guys here have the opposite problem! A lot!
 

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You are obviously not done with your marital relationship, even though you are separated. Don't you think separation should be a time to evaluate yourself, your feelings and what you want? Those things can not be given 100% while seeking the advice of a male friend that you may or may not have a future with. Why don't you give yourself time, by putting a 2 mth hold on any contact with said friend. As far as your husband goes, I can totally relate. I have been married for 20 years and facing the same issues with sex, or rather lack of. He has also had heart issues and surgeries and little to no interest. It is very trying and I think that if the emotional connection, playfulness, and cuddling were there for you than the lack of sex is merely the last straw. Please look deeper and try to be objective. From his point of view he may be not as affectionate on a daily basis because he is afraid you will want more and he will disappoint you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You are obviously not done with your marital relationship, even though you are separated. Don't you think separation should be a time to evaluate yourself, your feelings and what you want? Those things can not be given 100% while seeking the advice of a male friend that you may or may not have a future with. Why don't you give yourself time, by putting a 2 mth hold on any contact with said friend. As far as your husband goes, I can totally relate. I have been married for 20 years and facing the same issues with sex, or rather lack of. He has also had heart issues and surgeries and little to no interest. It is very trying and I think that if the emotional connection, playfulness, and cuddling were there for you than the lack of sex is merely the last straw. Please look deeper and try to be objective. From his point of view he may be not as affectionate on a daily basis because he is afraid you will want more and he will disappoint you.
a typical night would be him going to bed and beforehand telling me nothing was gonna happen...and there was never any affection.
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