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112 Posts
For months now, I've been reading and participating here, picking up tips on how to improve my marriage. But I find myself at an impasse. The sensation is this: I feel like I am the only adult in my marriage.
Unless I absolutely hound him - and I mean, pause the TV or turn off the computer and nudge him up into doing it - chores don't get done. I'll smile and ask on my way out the door, "Hey, if you could clean half the dishes, I'll clean the other half when I get home, okay?" And he'll agree - and it just won't get done until I come home and do it. I have (I wish this was a joke) let dishes sit in the sink for two weeks, hoping he'd break down and do it ... no joy.
This occurs with every chore and every bill we have. No amount of verbal asking, texts, or notes work. Dividing the chores didn't either. I'm left to do every household chore but the catbox, and nearly every bill that isn't set to auto-pay. It's making me feel like his mother instead of his wife.
I know he wasn't raised like this. His dad is very thoughtful and helpful in partnership with his mom. I don't know where this irresponsibility is coming from.
The part that's most hurtful is that I've explained that Acts of Service is my love language. I've stated - calmly and repeatedly - that when he doesn't do the chores he says he'll do, it sends a message to me that I'm not loved or important to him. I've been trying so hard to increase the frequency and passion of messages in his love languages, and I'm not getting reciprocity. I'm getting indifference and broken promises. And it stings.
So, readers of TAM, what's your advice? How can I help him take responsibility around our home and in our marriage?
Unless I absolutely hound him - and I mean, pause the TV or turn off the computer and nudge him up into doing it - chores don't get done. I'll smile and ask on my way out the door, "Hey, if you could clean half the dishes, I'll clean the other half when I get home, okay?" And he'll agree - and it just won't get done until I come home and do it. I have (I wish this was a joke) let dishes sit in the sink for two weeks, hoping he'd break down and do it ... no joy.
This occurs with every chore and every bill we have. No amount of verbal asking, texts, or notes work. Dividing the chores didn't either. I'm left to do every household chore but the catbox, and nearly every bill that isn't set to auto-pay. It's making me feel like his mother instead of his wife.
I know he wasn't raised like this. His dad is very thoughtful and helpful in partnership with his mom. I don't know where this irresponsibility is coming from.
The part that's most hurtful is that I've explained that Acts of Service is my love language. I've stated - calmly and repeatedly - that when he doesn't do the chores he says he'll do, it sends a message to me that I'm not loved or important to him. I've been trying so hard to increase the frequency and passion of messages in his love languages, and I'm not getting reciprocity. I'm getting indifference and broken promises. And it stings.
So, readers of TAM, what's your advice? How can I help him take responsibility around our home and in our marriage?