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Me: Mid 30's, lonely, and ready to get it on.

Hubs: Early 40's, rarely affectionate, not touchy feeling, and doesn't seem to even want sex.

We have our issues, the typical ones (never enough money, I'm bossy & he's lazy, too much sports on TV, I don't cook & clean enough, he's too quiet & I talk too much).

I've read books, tried silly tricks, worn ****ty clothes, seductive clothes, the school girl look, been subtle, been aggressive, been coy. I've discussed calmly, argued, cried, prayed, argued again, cried again, and discussed calmly. Bought toys, accessories, and stimulants, gotten him drunk, offered to watch porn with him, given BJs and HJs and even offered to back it up to see if that perked his ears.

Nothing doing. For over a year the most action I can get out of him is manual stimulation, usually after a BJ, and it's not all that good, to be honest. Even with coaching and showing him, it's rushed and not sexy, tender & seems like he isn't enjoying it.

I'm an open kinda gal, I'm willing to do things in the spirit of love and making each other feel good. But I also enjoy tender intimacy.

What's a gal got to do? I'm stumped, besides slightly high BP, he's healthy, the equipment works, and I'm a cute, fun wife who wants to make whoopie with her husband. I'm sick of dillying myself watching videos. How long can I be expected to hang out without affection before I go batty? I want to leave. Emotionally and physically he's checked out on me.

Help me out, folks, advice? Tips? techniques?
 

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I've been where you are and did fix it. It didn't happen overnight but I did fix it.

Things you need to do:

1) quit being bossy
2) stop talking so much
3) no more discussions about sex. Ever.
4) don't raise your voice
5) don't cry
6) don't argue
7) talk minimally and be pleasant
8) let him go emotionally
9) get a good vibrator or dildo and stop pestering him for sex
10) get a life including friends, a hobby, something that isn't husband focused.
11) take good care of you for YOU not him

I did this for TEN MONTHS and my husband began to come around. 8 months after that and my husband can't keep his hands off of me. See what has to happen is you have to change the dynamic that you're stuck in. You're too available, too easy and your actions are a turn off.

Dealing with a passive, quiet, lazy man is hard but it can be done if you can learn to speak their language. :)
 

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Flamingo, how long have you been with him? Sounds like the age difference is less than 10 yrs, this helps some... but as you age, your sex drive is liable to get even HIGHER....

Men start slowing down as they age..loosing a little testosterone (their LUST hormone) with every passing year... , between this, his Higher blood pressure, if he has any hidden resentment going on, and it sure sounds like his Love languages are NOT "TOUCH"... these are some factors...

Maybe he is primarily an "ACTS of SERVICE" man & the unkempt house & lack of cooking ...has caused some resentment - while his not giving you the touchy feely affection ...is causing you to feel less loved/ desired........ you guys are missing each other badly.



flamingo said: I've read books, tried silly tricks, worn ****ty clothes, seductive clothes, the school girl look, been subtle, been aggressive, been coy. I've discussed calmly, argued, cried, prayed, argued again, cried again, and discussed calmly. Bought toys, accessories, and stimulants, gotten him drunk, offered to watch porn with him, given BJs and HJs and even offered to back it up to see if that perked his ears.

Nothing doing. For over a year the most action I can get out of him is manual stimulation, usually after a BJ, and it's not all that good, to be honest. Even with coaching and showing him, it's rushed and not sexy, tender & seems like he isn't enjoying it.
Sounds like you have tried an awful lot sexually to get him going....wake up his drive... I don't think I'd be giving him a BJ before you got yours.. .not with this guy !!!

Good men love to please their women 1st. He sounds very selfish in bed... How often do you get sex ~ Is he
to porn , how often does he need a release?

The bossiness is a real kill joy....it just beats them down... they want to get away, so they can have peace... changing the attitude here will help, learn to be more of an encourager to him- in the little things you do appreciate ... and start focusing your energy on that cooking & cleaning -this will likely pick up his mood as well... and hopefully it will inspire a change in him.

Before I had an explosion in my sex drive....I haphazardly packed my husbands lunch... threw anything in there -just so he had something to eat, I was kinda lazy , didn't always get up & cook his breakfast either, let him fend for himself in the am... took him for granted in some ways......

Then when I realized ...darn what have we been missing all these yrs, I suddendly wanted it all the time.....and I was determined to get it too.....I changed.... I went out of my way to please him... I get up every morning, I pack his lunch with care- he eats healthier... I make sure the house is clean (always did that )...anything/everything to make him happy... then he has more time for us too.. and all that whoopie.

But he was always the touchy feely type to begin with. But really....anything to give a positive attitude in his presence and to fulfill his love languages... would be a great 1st ....

Working out a sound budget sounds it is needed too.
 

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I would mention him getting his testosterone checked out. From what our doctor said, a man's testosterone starts going down after the age of 30.

Also, maybe he feels inadequate in bed?? Tell him that you need some of his "great" loving, start out with hugs and kisses and see where it goes from there.
 

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So according to some of the replies, the secret is... bend over backwards for him and he may give it up.

Why don't you just ask him if he is gay.
 

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Do you have children?
Do you work outside the home?

Important bits of info to know to get the whole picture.
 
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