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Hi, All!

I will try to be as concise as possible summing up nearly 15 years of marriage. Eight months into our marriage, my husband wrote me a letter asking if I was doing the "best I could do." I was working full time, but he was upset about me not doing the housework. He said he wanted someone who had goals and dreams. In the beginning of our marriage, I jumped to serve him and cater to him. If he withdrew from me, I would apologize just to keep the peace. After my oldest daughter was born, he found comfort with another woman. I took it personally, but took him back. Over the years, he has ignored me for weeks on end. This last bout, he didn't say so much as hello or goodbye for 10 weeks. By nature, I am very communicative. I am a motivational speaker and love what I do, yet day in and day out, I come home to this oppressive behavior. My daughters are looking to me to guide them and I am so frustrated that I've tolerated this for so long.

For years, my husband wanted me to get a fulltime admin job so that he can keep his job as a fulltime musician. Due to childcare, I couldn't justify working fulltime but have kept a flexible schedule to cater to my kids.

In February, he was diagnosed with rectal cancer. It looks like it's under control, but he is still going through treatments. He has been so closed off for years that I don't know what is going on with his treatment. (I didn't even know he was going back to work fulltime until I read it on Facebook.) I was by his side through his surgery in March and thought that, perhaps, this illness would draw us closer. The end of April, we found out that our home loan modification application did not go through and we would be losing our house. It was at this time that he stopped acknowledging my existence entirely. In an effort to find an alternative place to stay, my sister offered her home. He did not want to move. In June he said we've been going our own separate ways and we should just "End This."

Here's my dilemma, on one hand, I'm thankful that he finally broke his silence, on the other hand... he has cancer. He is in treatment. He'd rather be sick and alone than with me. That is hard for me to swallow. I have put up with his verbal abuse and withdrawing nature for years and he just pulls the plug? His demeanor around the house hasn't changed. The only change is that the truth is out.

He told his brother that, "If his wife can't step up financially and with housework now, then she never will." I still pay for things like gas, groceries and babysitters. I'm no June Cleaver, but I'm not a slob. These were issues before the cancer.

My greatest concern is that people are going to find out that we are divorcing and think that I ditched him with cancer. I don't want to get into a he said/she said match, but I also don't want people to think I am leaving him in need.

There are so many more little details, but I will spare you for now.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation? I'd love to hear feedback.
 

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I'm sorry you are here.
I have not experienced anything like this, but wanted to just offer this much: You cannot control what people think nor what they say.

The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will gain the strength to do what is right for YOU and for your daughters, perhaps for the first time in 15 years.

You can always do things not required of you to help him if he needs it (like bring food or something) that gives you a little peace of mind and "ammunition" for the naysayers.
 

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Hi, All!

I will try to be as concise as possible summing up nearly 15 years of marriage. Eight months into our marriage, my husband wrote me a letter asking if I was doing the "best I could do." I was working full time, but he was upset about me not doing the housework. He said he wanted someone who had goals and dreams. In the beginning of our marriage, I jumped to serve him and cater to him. If he withdrew from me, I would apologize just to keep the peace. After my oldest daughter was born, he found comfort with another woman. I took it personally, but took him back. Over the years, he has ignored me for weeks on end. This last bout, he didn't say so much as hello or goodbye for 10 weeks. By nature, I am very communicative. I am a motivational speaker and love what I do, yet day in and day out, I come home to this oppressive behavior. My daughters are looking to me to guide them and I am so frustrated that I've tolerated this for so long.

For years, my husband wanted me to get a fulltime admin job so that he can keep his job as a fulltime musician. Due to childcare, I couldn't justify working fulltime but have kept a flexible schedule to cater to my kids.

In February, he was diagnosed with rectal cancer. It looks like it's under control, but he is still going through treatments. He has been so closed off for years that I don't know what is going on with his treatment. (I didn't even know he was going back to work fulltime until I read it on Facebook.) I was by his side through his surgery in March and thought that, perhaps, this illness would draw us closer. The end of April, we found out that our home loan modification application did not go through and we would be losing our house. It was at this time that he stopped acknowledging my existence entirely. In an effort to find an alternative place to stay, my sister offered her home. He did not want to move. In June he said we've been going our own separate ways and we should just "End This."

Here's my dilemma, on one hand, I'm thankful that he finally broke his silence, on the other hand... he has cancer. He is in treatment. He'd rather be sick and alone than with me. That is hard for me to swallow. I have put up with his verbal abuse and withdrawing nature for years and he just pulls the plug? His demeanor around the house hasn't changed. The only change is that the truth is out.

He told his brother that, "If his wife can't step up financially and with housework now, then she never will." I still pay for things like gas, groceries and babysitters. I'm no June Cleaver, but I'm not a slob. These were issues before the cancer.

My greatest concern is that people are going to find out that we are divorcing and think that I ditched him with cancer. I don't want to get into a he said/she said match, but I also don't want people to think I am leaving him in need.

There are so many more little details, but I will spare you for now.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation? I'd love to hear feedback.
Did I just read this right? Your husband wants a wife that will provide for the family and clean house while he plays musician else it is a deal breaker?

Are you suffering from Stockholm syndrome?

Either this is an attempt to control you, or he is remarkably unfamiliar with the reality.

My instinct is to tell you get out and get out quick, but it the marriage is something you want to save you have to turn yourself around, show your independence and make it clear he is really losing you. Maybe he will come around. If not, there was no saving it anyway.
 

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Your husband has told you that he wants a divorce. There is nothing you can do about it. He can get one without your consent.

Start moving on. You have not had much of a marriage anyway. Take care of yourself and your children. Don't worry what others will say. You know the truth. If they ask, just day that he wanted a divorce.
 

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Doesn't sound like he was ever really in the marriage. I have no idea what he expected it to be like.

A full time musician. How much do they make?

Seems he really wanted you to be there for him and him alone. So leave him alone for him alone and you and your girls go off and find the life you have this far been denied.

Does he smoke pot?
 
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