My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have just started marriage counseling a couple of months ago. There has been infidelity and a lot of lies, but I am trying to work on forgiving and moving forward. I am struggling with some issues that will, of course, take awhile to be resolved. My husband and I have both decided that we are going to do the work to regain trust and we have both agreed that our marriage is worth saving.
I am having some trouble with boundaries. I had a difficult time with them in the beginning of our counseling because I was basing them on the wrong thing. Just some back story before I get to the actual question I want to ask.
Now, we have an issue that started in the beginning of our marriage. It actually started before our marriage, but I did not find that out until well into our marriage. My husband had a female best friend that I knew about and I had met once. I didn't know her that well but he didn't really say much about her and I didn't really know anything so it wasn't a big deal to me. I was so young and so in love that I basically didn't see the red flags going up all around me. After we were married and I was around them more and more, I began to see signs that this was not a friendship but something more. I voiced my concern and was met with, "well if you don't like it, you can leave because she was here before you and she always will be". At the time I was very young and always used the 'but he loves me and he is married to me' logic. Fast forward a few years and I found out that he had made out with her (during our marriage) and for whatever reason it didn't go any further than that. As far as I know now, that is the only time that he physically cheated on me with her, but I am well aware that there is probably more times and I will never really know unless he or she tells me. She lives in another state, but he goes back sometimes to visit for different reasons. Long story short, they stopped talking. She is now married but I know that when he visits they all hangout like old times. She has a sister and my husband texts her first thing and I feel like her sister is his connection to hold onto her.. Does that make sense? He doesn't talk to his former-best-friend by phone or messenger but he does text her sister and hangs out with her when he goes home. I know that if the sister is around the former-best-friend is around and he does not understand why I have an issue with him talking to her sister.
He recently went home and of course he was hanging out with her, her sister and his cousins (the sisters are best friends with his cousin). He claims to not see why I have an issue with him contacting her sister and why I have an issue with him putting himself in the same situation that brought on most of the pain and distrust that is in our relationship now.
Is it unrealistic of me to expect him to set boundaries in this situation because of the close relationship she has with his own family member? I am really struggling with this because I feel that he will make the family issue the main argument- accusing me of telling him he can't hang out with his family- and I fear it may be a deal-breaker for him. I think that he doesn't want to set boundaries or change anything because he is still trying to hold on to their connection through her sister. (I did my best to explain the situation)
I am having some trouble with boundaries. I had a difficult time with them in the beginning of our counseling because I was basing them on the wrong thing. Just some back story before I get to the actual question I want to ask.
Now, we have an issue that started in the beginning of our marriage. It actually started before our marriage, but I did not find that out until well into our marriage. My husband had a female best friend that I knew about and I had met once. I didn't know her that well but he didn't really say much about her and I didn't really know anything so it wasn't a big deal to me. I was so young and so in love that I basically didn't see the red flags going up all around me. After we were married and I was around them more and more, I began to see signs that this was not a friendship but something more. I voiced my concern and was met with, "well if you don't like it, you can leave because she was here before you and she always will be". At the time I was very young and always used the 'but he loves me and he is married to me' logic. Fast forward a few years and I found out that he had made out with her (during our marriage) and for whatever reason it didn't go any further than that. As far as I know now, that is the only time that he physically cheated on me with her, but I am well aware that there is probably more times and I will never really know unless he or she tells me. She lives in another state, but he goes back sometimes to visit for different reasons. Long story short, they stopped talking. She is now married but I know that when he visits they all hangout like old times. She has a sister and my husband texts her first thing and I feel like her sister is his connection to hold onto her.. Does that make sense? He doesn't talk to his former-best-friend by phone or messenger but he does text her sister and hangs out with her when he goes home. I know that if the sister is around the former-best-friend is around and he does not understand why I have an issue with him talking to her sister.
He recently went home and of course he was hanging out with her, her sister and his cousins (the sisters are best friends with his cousin). He claims to not see why I have an issue with him contacting her sister and why I have an issue with him putting himself in the same situation that brought on most of the pain and distrust that is in our relationship now.
Is it unrealistic of me to expect him to set boundaries in this situation because of the close relationship she has with his own family member? I am really struggling with this because I feel that he will make the family issue the main argument- accusing me of telling him he can't hang out with his family- and I fear it may be a deal-breaker for him. I think that he doesn't want to set boundaries or change anything because he is still trying to hold on to their connection through her sister. (I did my best to explain the situation)