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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi everyone

This is the first time I have posted on anything like this, I guess I just need some external perspective on my marriage.

We have only been married for a year (together for 3) so its a bit disappointing to me I guess that this is becoming such an issue already.

Basically, my husband LOVES to drink, which is fine aside from the fact that he turns into a completely different person when he drinks which depending on his mood is either aggressive (not physically with me) and argumentative or just plain annoying. If he was just a normal happy drunk, I probably wouldn't mind so much. He also cannot (most of the time) have just a few drinks, it has to turn into him getting absolutely smashed and vomiting and carrying on like an idiot. He is nearly 40 so I would have thought about ready to grow out of this "Drink to get Drunk" mentality.

Other people generally don't tell him he is an idiot because either (a) they do not deal with him all the time so find him somewhat funny or
(b) Are too scared in case it makes him angry (he is quite a big intimidating guy).

I actually just feel really lonely. He works away and on the week that he is home in every 3, it just feels like he is hanging out with alcohol and I am just pottering around in the background. I am always the driver, and never drink when we go out because I know that I will either need to reign him in or make sure we get home OK. I am actually losing respect for him with every episode to the point that last time it happened I told him that I no longer wanted to socialise with him i.e. either I would go to events, or he could, but not together. Ridiculous considering we are "newlyweds".:scratchhead:

I am desperate to have a baby, but at this stage it feels like I would just be bringing a child into the situation that is not ideal and I don't think I can trust that he will improve because of it (he already has a son of his own BTW). I would actually be nervous that I would go into labour and he would be too drunk to drive me to the hospital. Considering the night my father passed away he got too drunk to drive me to the hospital despite me pleading with him to not drink. Anyway......

I don't really know what I am asking, just I guess if anyone has been in a similar situation and if its a case of me just learning to adjust my own behaviour and not letting it bother me. I think to a certain extent I thought (stupidly) that marriage would change him. I know how stupid that sounds!

Also, importantly, I forgot to mention that in the times that he is sober, I absolutely adore him and he treats me exceptionally well. He is very intelligent,has some tendency to depression and anxiety (which he is receiving treatment for).
 

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Basically, my husband LOVES to drink, which is fine
It's not fine, he's a functioning alcoholic and you need to stop tiptoeing around this major problem and get yourself into a support group for friends and relatives of alcoholics and learn ways to help him deal with his addiction.
 

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Do a google search for Alanon. Find meetings in your area and GO to at least 3 per week for 3 weeks. You will find the answers, information and support there. You will be amazed just how NOT ALONE you are.

Good Luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks to both of you who replied so far, I totally agree that he is a functioning alcoholic and you are right. Its not fine, otherwise why one earth would I be posting on a forum! I will def look into Alanon, thanks :)
 

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That's right! It's not fine. Glad you do see that.
What you describe sounds a terrible way to be living.
No-one should feel this lonely in a marriage... I'm so sorry for you.
BUT please... don't have a baby with him right now. Wait.
Nothing puts stress on a relationship like a new baby... a good healthy marriage can withstand this stress. Sorry I doubt very much yours would.... do you want to be a single mum in the near future?

All the best with Alanon.

Let us know how it goes.
 

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OP.

You say that your husband receiving treatment for depression and anxiety, so please let them (or get him to let them) know about his alcohol problem. These issues need to be dealt with together.

I hope things get sorted out for you both soon. As has already been said now would not be a good time to have a child, help your husband sort his self out and make your marriage strong before the commitment of a child.

BTW it never ceases to amazing me the number of times I hear women say that they thought marriage / they would change a man. You cannot change him but you can give him the help he needs to change himself IF he is willing to.
 

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Please do not have a baby. Get on birth control if you aren't and use a condom every time.

Here are just a few scenarios:
You're in labor or having symptoms of labor too early and he's too drunk to drive you to the hospital.

You can't ever leave the baby with him because he may get drunk and drop her, fall asleep and forget about her, etc etc.

You will not only have all the responsibility of the baby but you may have to leave the house or avoid your husband when he's drunk, making things even more hard to manage for you.

What if your husband becomes a non-functioning alcoholic, leaving you with a newborn and a whole family to support (and no way to leave the child at home with him).

And these are just a few things that immediately pop to mind. With more time I could go on and on.

Also, even if he stops drinking, there may be major lingering problems with anger or communication. Some people drink to give themselves an excuse to behave a certain way. Once the alcohol is gone, those tendencies are still there.

This is a very serious problem--as you say, you are continually losing respect for him.
 

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Stop driving him to his drink-a-thons. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. In other words, stop enabling. He can catch a ride with a friend, take a cab, or stay home. It doesn't sound like you enjoy being his designated driver anyway.

As far as "high-functioning" alcoholics, I beg to differ. Someone who drinks to the point of being drunk; whose personality morphs into someone else, is not functioning well at all. They are not dealing with reality; they are running away from it.

I hate to tell you this, but alcoholism is a progressive disease. As the body becomes used to being fed alcohol, the physical craving intensifies. The man you enjoy when he is sober will be seen less and less.

I'm not saying this to scare you. But knowledge is power. I lived with an alcoholic for years. Believe me, it doesn't get better unless the alcoholic wants to get better. And if your husband doesn't think he has a problem, you cannot convince him otherwise.

Please do not bring a child into this mess. I know many ACoA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics), and the hell they endured in a home with a drunk parent left them with deep scars. Al-Anon is for those of us who have lived with the chaos and insanity of alcoholism. I suggest you look into the program.
 

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I was in a similar situation. My husband was drinking everyday, at least a 6 pack, but more if he had it. He claimed that his stress level was so high, he NEEDED it to relax! He couldn't get through the day without it.

Soon he started taking 2 to 3 hour liquid lunches, disappearing with no explaination as to where he was or what he was doing. A few times he got extreemely extreemely drunk, and was mean to me like he had never been.

After a few months of all this, and several other mistakes he made, I started talking about moving out. He was ok with it, realzing that we needed to do something different. He started back pedaling, when he realized I was serious and said he didn't want me to leave.

Then one night, he did something that was a total deal breaker. Something that he KNEW was crossing the line. So I packed up the kids and left. He got home and could not believe I was gone. That was his wakeup call. He wanted me to come home so we could talk about it. But at that point, I told him there was nothing else to say. He made it quite clear that he did not care enough about me to not do what he did, so I was done. Espically he knew I already had one foot out the door.

The next day, he admitted he had a problem and said he was going to go to rehab. I agreed to help him get through rehab at the request of his parents, but made NO guarantees that I would stick around. We started going to marriage counseling.

That was a year ago on Feb22nd. He hasn't had a drink since. We are still working on things, they are far from perfect, but losing me to alcohol was not something he wanted.

Maybe if he knows you will not tolerate his crap, he might quit too like mine did.
 

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MB20, I admire you setting boundaries with an addict. I know it's still an uphill battle after they dry out, because that old stinkin' thinkin' can rear its ugly head when you least expect it.

I'm glad your husband came to his senses and picked you over the bottle. Unfortunately, far too many choose the bottle instead ...
 
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