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Hi,

I have been with my husband 16 years and married for 12. We have always had a pretty good sex life until about a year or two ago. I noticed my husband did not initiate sex as much as he used to and if I initiated sex he would turn me down and say he was tired. He has also become a very lazy lover. Barely giving me oral and when he does he half asses it, when in the past he would love it and get so into it. Im always on top doing all the work lately.

He has always watched porn, and it has never been a problem with him performing in the bedroom. But about a year ago I found Trans (She-Male) porn on his computer. Ive always had access to his computer and had never seen that kind of porn on there before. This coincides with the the timeline of him not being interested in sex as much (in my opinion). Also, when we do have sex very recently he has started losing his erection in the middle of it.

Id also like to add that around the time I found out he likes this type of porn I caught him wearing womens underwear. Now, I have always been aware of the fact that he has a panty fetish. He has always liked me to wear certain types of panties and sometimes would like to smell my worn panties. He also buys used panties online. (Which I just found out about and am not too happy about.)

He tells me that hes not intersted in sex because hes tired, hes getting older, ect. But, he still masturbates. I catch him looking at porn sometimes when we are sitting on the couch watching t.v . So, I know he has a sex drive.

Im confused. I dont know what to think.
 

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Pornography has no place in a marriage... ever.

The only way to get rid of pornography is to eliminate masturbation.

The only way to eliminate masturbation is to agree to radical honesty whereby neither of you are allowed to masturbate without the other's permission first. If he asks for permission, you decline permission and make love to him instead.

Pornography will literally rob men of their drive and desire since it is all fantasy.
 

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Pornography has no place in a marriage... ever.

The only way to get rid of pornography is to eliminate masturbation.

The only way to eliminate masturbation is to agree to radical honesty whereby neither of you are allowed to masturbate without the other's permission first. If he asks for permission, you decline permission and make love to him instead.

Pornography will literally rob men of their drive and desire since it is all fantasy.
I've read some Christian ideas about this, and they subscribe to what you're suggesting. I would say that anything done in moderation can be okay. But, when it takes over a person's life, or the person becomes addicted, then it's not okay. I don't want to tell my future husband someday to not masturbate, it seems controlling. :eek:
 

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Pornography has no place in a marriage... ever.

The only way to get rid of pornography is to eliminate masturbation.

The only way to eliminate masturbation is to agree to radical honesty whereby neither of you are allowed to masturbate without the other's permission first. If he asks for permission, you decline permission and make love to him instead.

Pornography will literally rob men of their drive and desire since it is all fantasy.
My wife and I watch porn all the time. Doesn't seem to mess with my sex drive at all.

Pretty much all of this post seems ridiculous to me.
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Hi,

I have been with my husband 16 years and married for 12. We have always had a pretty good sex life until about a year or two ago. I noticed my husband did not initiate sex as much as he used to and if I initiated sex he would turn me down and say he was tired. He has also become a very lazy lover. Barely giving me oral and when he does he half asses it, when in the past he would love it and get so into it. Im always on top doing all the work lately.

He has always watched porn, and it has never been a problem with him performing in the bedroom. But about a year ago I found Trans (She-Male) porn on his computer. Ive always had access to his computer and had never seen that kind of porn on there before. This coincides with the the timeline of him not being interested in sex as much (in my opinion). Also, when we do have sex very recently he has started losing his erection in the middle of it.

Id also like to add that around the time I found out he likes this type of porn I caught him wearing womens underwear. Now, I have always been aware of the fact that he has a panty fetish. He has always liked me to wear certain types of panties and sometimes would like to smell my worn panties. He also buys used panties online. (Which I just found out about and am not too happy about.)

He tells me that hes not intersted in sex because hes tired, hes getting older, ect. But, he still masturbates. I catch him looking at porn sometimes when we are sitting on the couch watching t.v . So, I know he has a sex drive.

Im confused. I dont know what to think.
Buying used panties...revolting!

Your H may have uncovered a fetish with the shemale porn.

Your root problem is that he doesn't return to you the passion your marriage used to have. You know his excuses of being tired, getting older etc are 100% garbage so call him on it.

"If you're getting older I must be getting younger so this kind of leave me in a bind because I'm not interested in a sexless passionless marriage for the next 30 years. How can we solve this problem?"

Only he can say if his masturbation is problematic. I believe men who gravitate to porn when they have a willing wife are men who are primarily lazy and secondarily are disconnected emotionally. If your H wasn't always this way, you need to call this out for the serious problem that it is.

He chooses anonymous self gratification instead of the wife who loves and wants him. That's a serious problem.


Pornography has no place in a marriage... ever.

The only way to get rid of pornography is to eliminate masturbation.

The only way to eliminate masturbation is to agree to radical honesty whereby neither of you are allowed to masturbate without the other's permission first. If he asks for permission, you decline permission and make love to him instead.

Pornography will literally rob men of their drive and desire since it is all fantasy.

Speak for yourself church lady!

Porn is great when t doesn't replace emotional connection. Porn can be fun.

Masturbation is a right and no one has any right what so ever to control their partners masturbation!

I agree radical honesty is best. "Honey I played with myself today and had a glorious couple of orgasms. Took a few pics for your viewing pleasure...see enclosed." Or "I am going to want all of your sexual energy this weekend so be prepared to work for your supper babe!"

This let your partner know what you want while allowing them to decide to meet your needs or not. If they choose not...you've chosen the wrong partner.
 

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If the secrecy was gone could you handle the fetish-du-jour (it may be a fleeting thing)?

The more extreme the porn, the more blah normal sex may eventually seem, or it may be a fantasy that will never be acted on... either way, without open conversation, this will break your relationship because the trust will be trashed. If his interests are in the way of a healthy relationship, it needs to end if it cannot be brought into some kind of moderation or acceptance (this applies to anything, not just sexual fetish).

Counseling may be a critical first step so he can figure out why he is willing to put you as a second (sexual or otherwise)... hopefully he will be willing to go for you both.
 

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Pornography has no place in a marriage... ever.

The only way to get rid of pornography is to eliminate masturbation.

The only way to eliminate masturbation is to agree to radical honesty whereby neither of you are allowed to masturbate without the other's permission first. If he asks for permission, you decline permission and make love to him instead.

Pornography will literally rob men of their drive and desire since it is all fantasy.
Porn my have no place in your marriage and that is just dandy. But you don't get to make the rules for other marriages.
 

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Sounds like porn addiction, OP. From experience that's the way it works. Like a drug you need more extreme stuff to get the feeling you got the first time. It is hard to kick, like any addictive behaviour, and he has to actually want to kick it. From your post doesn't sound like he does at this point. You best option now is to communicate with him. I'm sorry I don't have anything more solid than that.

Whatever you do, do it quickly. If he is already ordering other women's panties he will likely go farther. Infidelity is on the horizon. He will need something more extreme. Turning fantasy to reality is the next logical step to achieve that.

All his excuses are just that - excuses. It isn't weariness or age. Normal sex with wifey isn't enough for this addict. He needs help, maybe professional help. The wearing panties part is abnormal. It doesn't fit in with what I've heard from porn addicts so dunno what's going on there.
 

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It seems pretty straight forward. He has come to terms with the fact that he's a tranny at heart and would love to explore it. You can discuss it openly with him or he'll end up cheating on you with dudes. If he's gay/trans there's not much you can do about it. Maybe stay married as loving companions but open the marriage so you can both have sex with whom you prefer to have sex with.
 

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Hi,

We have always had a pretty good sex life...
Defined by who? You? It could be possible that your definition of "good sex life" is radically different than his. And after trying to reach some sort of compromise regarding quantity/quality of your sex lives he just went off the deep end enjoying porn and the multitude of variations it has to offer (or so I'm told).

it's weird I admit. But maybe you need to step up your game and he needs to ratchet back his somewhat.
 

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I have always enjoyed Transformers porn ... that Optimus Prime is a beast ...
Ellis, my friend: Just please give us some assurances that you won't post their pics up as any of your new avatars!
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