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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, need advice on this. Married for 20 years. All in all, we are best friends and have a great relationship. But my husband wants to join another band. He was in a band in the past and it takes a lot of time away from the family. The band he wants to join plays every weekend throughout the summer, Fri & Sat. 10-13 gigs per month. He is a talented singer and I don't want to crush his dream, but we still have two daughters at home that are 15 & 6. If he joins this band, we won't be able to take a summer vacation together and every New Years Eve will be tied up. The last time he was in a band it was fun for awhile, but I started to resent all of the time he was away. How do I support him when I think it is a mistake? I fear that he will resent me if I say no. I don't feel like I could go to all the gigs with him like the other wives because of our daughters (especially the youngest one). I also feel like it will take away the little time that we have together. All of the other members in the band are older and kids are grown and out of the house. HELP! Really struggling.
 

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This is a tough one for me. Part of me wants to tell him to grow up. That he has responsibilities and he needs to be there. But then part of me wants to recognize this is his dream and he's not getting any younger. You really can't go to all the gigs? Use the money he earns to hire a sitter? Or have the older sister sit? You could be his ultimate groupie! Do you want to be the ultimate cool wife? Or the downer wife?
 

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Hey, this isn't a jealous insecure thing is it? Are you worried about young bar flies hitting on him? A friend of mine was in a band when we were early 20s. He'd finish a gig and walk out with a pocket full of numbers. Then later at our place he and his girlfriend (who is still a close friend of my wife) would put them in a pile and laugh at the collection. Now she was a cool girlfriend. But in that case, he was totally devoted to her.
 

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- What if any time would this leave for the two of you to pursue dating activities besides you being his groupie? What does he say if you ask him this?

- Does he work a "regular" job? How will the decision to join this band affect his regular employment? If he makes the decision to go into music full time and quit his regular job - is that something you can do?


- Not being able to have family vacations is a big decision, especially when the youngest is indeed, still young. If this is something you have and did enjoy with the older child, how will the younger one feel?

What does he say when you bring that up?

- Expecting a fifteen year old to spend every weekend with no plans of their own so they can babysit their six year old sister so her parents can be rock god and "ultimate cool wife" is a bit much, I think. I see that leading so some serious inter-sibling issues if not long-term parental resentment, myself.
 

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So no room to compromise at all? Daughter can't babysit every 3rd time? He can't miss 2 gigs for vacation? Is it in everyone's best interest to be rigid on this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
My husband is 52, I'm 43. We definately aren't getting any younger. We both work in a hospital, work opposite hours. I work 7pm-7am 3 nights a week. He works 7am-7pm, 3 days a week. So it's not like we have a normal family life where we sit down to dinner every night. He doesn't get home until 8pm or later, and if I'm working the 15 year old gets dumped on with babysitting during the times we are both gone.

I don't think I'm being insecure. I love my husband, and want to spend my time off with him. I am so torn. I don't want to stand in the way of his dream, but also kids are only little for so long. They are grown up in the blink of an eye.

The band mostly plays festivals, not bars. It's a well established 50's-60's band. Very family oriented. I suppose the little one and I could be groupies together.

He wouldn't be able to take time off from the band in the summer. It's a serious business. The other guys in the band don't have kids at home and this is their life. I just hate the thought of giving up our family vacation in the summer.
 

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Edited - as the OP posted.

Could you try (he or you) to get on the same shift as a move before joining the band?

Long-term you'll need a different baby-sitting scenario - eventually, the 15 year old will be heading to college or getting a job of her own, so - I'd say looking into that now is likely a good idea.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I wish I could get on days! I am working on that. That would help a lot. Lots of good thoughts. We are moving closer to my family (and the band) so there's opportunity for a few of my sisters to possibly watch her once in awhile. I kind of forgot about that. i am so used to never asking anyone for help. I hate imposing on my family, but my sisters all had boys, which are all grown so I think they would truly enjoy spending some time with her. The 15 year old could do it once in awhile, and we could have a different babysitter to trade off.

Thanks for your help. I feel a lot better about it now. There's no way I would ever tell him no, because he has always been so supportive of me in anything I have ever wanted to do. If the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't tell me no (I know, I'm the selfish one. But I over think everything and am a guilt ridden mother. And have my family's best interest at heart). We'll have to get creative with the family vacation. We aren't allowed to take off of work around Christmas (when the kids are off school), hopefully the band doesn't play around spring break time. We have a son in college, so hopefully his spring break is the same week.

Thanks, just needed some encouragement, I guess.
 

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My husband is 52, I'm 43. We definately aren't getting any younger. We both work in a hospital, work opposite hours. I work 7pm-7am 3 nights a week. He works 7am-7pm, 3 days a week. So it's not like we have a normal family life where we sit down to dinner every night. He doesn't get home until 8pm or later, and if I'm working the 15 year old gets dumped on with babysitting during the times we are both gone.

I don't think I'm being insecure. I love my husband, and want to spend my time off with him. I am so torn. I don't want to stand in the way of his dream, but also kids are only little for so long. They are grown up in the blink of an eye.

The band mostly plays festivals, not bars. It's a well established 50's-60's band. Very family oriented. I suppose the little one and I could be groupies together.

He wouldn't be able to take time off from the band in the summer. It's a serious business. The other guys in the band don't have kids at home and this is their life. I just hate the thought of giving up our family vacation in the summer.
Working opposite hours just in itself is a marriage killer often enough.

Now he wants to join a band and spend even more time apart?

I think he is asking way too much here. He has children.

So first things first. Get on the same shift.

Then start spending more quality time together.

After that is done ... then reconsider the whole band thing.

I do not think you are being insecure but you know what? You should feel insecure. Because your hubby is seeking this hobby at the expense of the marriage. This is just too much IMO unless you can get the rest figured out. Some of the other ideas are great too where you go with him.

But if the roles were reverseed I would say the same thing.
 

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You know, when you're right you're right. And Entropy is right on this. What convinced me is the idea of turning the tables. Would I be ok if I already was lacking in time together and my wife wanted to join a, I don't know, cheer leading squad....that disrupted our life and vacation for the whole family? Even if it was her dream? Um, no. I wouldn't be ok with that. It's one thing to do one big event or something. But this is basically a new job taking away from an already thin schedule.
 

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Working opposite hours just in itself is a marriage killer often enough.

Now he wants to join a band and spend even more time apart?

I think he is asking way too much here. He has children.

So firts things first. Get on the same shift.

Then start spending more uality time together.

Afte that is done ... then reconsider the whole band thing.

I do not think you are being insecure but you know what? You should feel insecure. Because your hubby is seeking this hobby at the expense of the marriage. This is just too much IMO unless you can get the rest figured out. Some of the other ideas are great too where you go with him.

But if the roles were reverseed I would say the same thing.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 

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When one is a father and a husband (or a wife and a mother), he cannot pursue a dream of this magnitude.

Agree totally with Entropy... You have to design your life around the family. Family first, then jobs, then hobbies.
 

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You are justified in your concern. Your husband has no business wanting to spend more time away from the family. Family vacations are important. They are limited in their quantity and should be cherished. Seriously, you are not being uncool. You just want family first, and that is the right thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks for all of your input/support. We talked about the pros and cons, and he decided not to do it. I'm glad he came to the conclusion on his own.

He thanked me for supporting him, and said he was very flattered that they asked, and was swept up in all of the excitement. But when he started to realize how much he would be gone, he knew that he couldn't do it.

I've never posted to a board like this and it was really helpful to talk it out. I needed to get some of my emotions out before I talked to him about it so that we could talk about it rationally.

Happy Ending!
 
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