[Strawberry1984]

Hi everyone,
My husband, I and our two small children lives in Scandinavia. He’s not from here, but holds a Canadian citizenship and so does our children (they’re born here in Scandinavia, so they have two citizenships)
To make a long story short; husband never liked it here. We have a lot of problems and arguments. He never found himself here. Loved his life in Canada. He’s a self employed - works from home. Recently business have been going well for him, which is good. We have spoken about buying a place here as we live in a quite small rented place (the contract is time unlimited).
Anyways, now he’s thinking of buying a condo in Canada. Because it’s far cheaper than here. He says he wants to use it as an investment. Not for living in….
I’m torn. For many reasons. 1. He will buy a place there, means he won’t have money for us to buy a place here in the country that we live in. 2. The condo overseas will be in his name only! Meaning I won’t have any financial security whatsoever.
Had we bought something here in Scandinavia, I would have contributed financially to the purchase. I will not (and most likely cannot) contribute to a property bought in a country where I don’t residents.
I am frustrated and quite mad.
He says that the children will have security if he buys a property. But what about me!? I have always been there for him and took care of the children so he could work. Made sure the kids wouldn’t bother him when he worked/interrupt him during calls.
Been there for moral support, been there for financial support (solely paid the rent here where we live)
The kids are home schooling (is it called that, when theyre only 1 and 3?) and he tells me that it’s MY choice to keep them home. He would have sent them to daycare and that way I wouldn’t have had the excuse of “ I have taken care of them while you worked”
I think it’s super upsetting to hear I get zero credit for what I’ve done. And that he doesn’t get that due to my help with the children, he’s been able to work, mornings and evenings!
Would love to hear others opinion on this matter.

 

[MarmiteC]

Hi Strawberry,

I don't know the specific rules in your country, but I think that even if he buys a property, or any other asset, in his name only, and you are married, it would be considered a marital asset later down the line if this is where it gets to. So I don't think him buying it in his name only should be an issue for you. Do you have a prenuptial agreement?

What I read from your post is some resentment of each other's choices on working, finances and the children. It sounds like you both need to sit and discuss all these things, consider each other's views and agree a way forward that you are both happy with. You should be aligned on these topics and share the decision making.

 

[In Absentia]

I remember your previous posts... if your husband doesn't like living in Denmark and miss his country a lot and he is unhappy (and you too), I think you have 2 choices: you set him free, so he can return to his native country or you move to Canada with him. But I remember you saying that you are very close to your family and won't move. I guess him buying a condo in Canada is a compromise for him?

 

[frenchpaddy]

first what money is he going to use ,
how is it going to be financed ,
looks like he wants a safety net for himself , without knowing the above I can not say if he is right or not

 

[In Absentia]

looks like he wants a safety net for himself

Or maybe he is planning an escape...

 

[Strawberry1984]

I remember your previous posts... if your husband doesn't like living in Denmark and miss his country a lot and he is unhappy (and you too), I think you have 2 choices: you set him free, so he can return to his native country or you move to Canada with him. But I remember you saying that you are very close to your family and won't move. I guess him buying a condo in Canada is a compromise for him?

Canada isn’t his native country, he’s just been living there for a few years and loved it. He doesn’t have any family there, only friends.
He tells me that he doesn’t want to live there cause that means he’ll be leaving his children here, and he’s not willing to do so. So at this point at least, it’s not a question of moving or not. It’s a question of him being financially secured and me not.
it’s a matter of me being with the children 85% of the time, getting up with them at nights, always allowed him to sleep in in the morning, so he had the energy to work (works from home) so he is/was able to preform the whole day with work. It’s a question of me believing that whatever is being CREATED financially in a marriage (when also having children) is an effort/work of BOTH partners.

 

[In Absentia]

Canada isn’t his native country, he’s just been living there for a few years and loved it. He doesn’t have any family there, only friends.
He tells me that he doesn’t want to live there cause that means he’ll be leaving his children here, and he’s not willing to do so. So at this point at least, it’s not a question of moving or not. It’s a question of him being financially secured and me not.
it’s a matter of me being with the children 85% of the time, getting up with them at nights, always allowed him to sleep in in the morning, so he had the energy to work (works from home) so he is/was able to preform the whole day with work. It’s a question of me believing that whatever is being CREATED financially in a marriage (when also having children) is an effort/work of BOTH partners.

Ah, yes, I remember now... it seems to me that your husband is playing the card "I decided to be here even if I don't like it at all, so I concentrate on my business and my financial security whilst you act as my servant and nanny". Doesn't seem to me you have the same values? Do you work? I think you do...

 

[Strawberry1984]

Or maybe he is planning an escape...

Have asked him that upfront, but as I also relied “in absenta

Hi Strawberry,

I don't know the specific rules in your country, but I think that even if he buys a property, or any other asset, in his name only, and you are married, it would be considered a marital asset later down the line if this is where it gets to. So I don't think him buying it in his name only should be an issue for you. Do you have a prenuptial agreement?

What I read from your post is some resentment of each other's choices on working, finances and the children. It sounds like you both need to sit and discuss all these things, consider each other's views and agree a way forward that you are both happy with. You should be aligned on these topics and share the decision making.

To tell you the truth, neither do I. But it might be something I should look further into. Thanks for the advice.
We never made a prenuptial agreement. Definitely there’s resentment. Maybe mostly from my side. It was a mutual decision to take our oldest out of daycare when COVID started. And also a mutual decision that out youngest is being kept home until she’s 2 years old. I feel like I’m mainly with the kids-which I am. And is happy with, most of the time. “Most of the time” means that it can be super hard not getting your sleep and taking care of a toddler and a baby. But I don’t get the credit for it. He doesn’t “see me”. Every morning since the oldest was born, I’m waking up with him/now them, and playing with them for hours, giving breakfast and a few or 3 h later my husband will wake up. He then showers, drinks his coffee… most morning i haven’t had breakfast even yet by the time he wakes up, and showering while looking after a toddler and a baby….well, forget about it. So it upsets me. And upsets me that he obviously sees it as a house bought in his name is an asset for the family (or for the kids in the future, as he puts it) but what about me? Had I not been with the kids and taken care of the household, then he wouldn’t be able to do what he’s doing in terms of business.

 

[Strawberry1984]

Ah, yes, I remember now... it seems to me that your husband is playing the card "I decided to be here even if I don't like it at all, so I concentrate on my business and my financial security whilst you act as my servant and nanny". Doesn't seem to me you have the same values? Do you work? I think you do...

No, I’m a stay at home mommy at this point. You get a little income from the government from doing so. It was basically a mutual decision.

 

[In Absentia]

No, I’m a stay at home mommy at this point. You get a little income from the government from doing so. It was basically a mutual decision.

mmm.... so, you do everything in the house? Does your husband help with cooking, cleaning, etc.? Where is he from originally?

 

[MarmiteC]

Definitely there’s resentment. Maybe mostly from my side. It was a mutual decision to take our oldest out of daycare when COVID started. And also a mutual decision that out youngest is being kept home until she’s 2 years old. I feel like I’m mainly with the kids-which I am. And is happy with, most of the time. “Most of the time” means that it can be super hard not getting your sleep and taking care of a toddler and a baby. But I don’t get the credit for it. He doesn’t “see me”. Every morning since the oldest was born, I’m waking up with him/now them, and playing with them for hours, giving breakfast and a few or 3 h later my husband will wake up. He then showers, drinks his coffee… most morning i haven’t had breakfast even yet by the time he wakes up, and showering while looking after a toddler and a baby….well, forget about it. So it upsets me. And upsets me that he obviously sees it as a house bought in his name is an asset for the family (or for the kids in the future, as he puts it) but what about me? Had I not been with the kids and taken care of the household, then he wouldn’t be able to do what he’s doing in terms of business.

Have you talked to him about this? Do you want to be doing something different like sharing the parenting and working responsibilities? Are you happy to support him in work if he can give you a little time also for you when it comes to the children? What about time as a couple? Does he make any time for that?

I since read your other post about how he is living there but unhappy and you refuse to move away from your family. What does a good outcome look like to you? If that's to remain together and bring up your family it sounds like some compromise is needed somewhere, and on both sides.

But check into the legality of marital assets as soon as you can before you allow that resentment to eat you up before you can move to solving some of the bigger issues.

 

[bobert]

Housing prices in Canada are insane. Are you sure it's cheaper than Denmark (have YOU looked), or is he just saying that?

If he's a citizen he may not have the foreign buyers tax, but I believe 25% of the rental income would be withheld because he's a non-resident. Monthly condo fees are also very high and can eat into the rental income.

Personally, if he buys a property up there, I have a feeling your next post will be how he's pushing you to move again.

 

[Livvie]

I think you should have continued from your old thread. Your husband hates where you live and your parents and sibling are more important to you than having a happy family unit with the family YOU created with him.

 

[Strawberry1984]

Have you talked to him about this? Do you want to be doing something different like sharing the parenting and working responsibilities? Are you happy to support him in work if he can give you a little time also for you when it comes to the children? What about time as a couple? Does he make any time for that?

I since read your other post about how he is living there but unhappy and you refuse to move away from your family. What does a good outcome look like to you? If that's to remain together and bring up your family it sounds like some compromise is needed somewhere, and on both sides.

But check into the legality of marital assets as soon as you can before you allow that resentment to eat you up before you can move to solving some of the bigger issues.

Have you talked to him about this? Do you want to be doing something different like sharing the parenting and working responsibilities? Are you happy to support him in work if he can give you a little time also for you when it comes to the children? What about time as a couple? Does he make any time for that?

I since read your other post about how he is living there but unhappy and you refuse to move away from your family. What does a good outcome look like to you? If that's to remain together and bring up your family it sounds like some compromise is needed somewhere, and on both sides.

But check into the legality of marital assets as soon as you can before you allow that resentment to eat you up before you can move to solving some of the bigger issues.

i did speak to him about this matter. But we don’t really see eye to eye. He does confirm that it was a mutual decision to take our oldest out of daycare when COVID started. And also a mutual decision to keep the little one at home until she’s turning 2. But he has a hard time understanding that his ability to work (mornings, midday and evenings - when you’re a self employed the “mail is always on”) is due to that I take the kids. He tells me that taking the kids is my job, due to that I’m a stay at home mom. And correct. I am. But I’m a stay at home mom, evenings (I’m the only one putting the kids to sleep) I wake up with them at night (allowing him to sleep)getting up with them in the mornings, being with them throughout the day. He does sometimes make us all dinner. After dinner the kids are again on me - he’s sitting with the laptop in front of him.
I respect that he’s working and I’m super happy that it’s going well for him.
But is it wrong of me to believe that whatever he creates while we are together is something that has only been possible because I take care of our kids, and due to that he should consider me as a sort of shareholder of his success, and if he’ll be able to buy a property due to financial success, I should be owning a fair share of that one?

 

[Strawberry1984]

Housing prices in Canada are insane. Are you sure it's cheaper than Denmark (have YOU looked), or is he just saying that?

If he's a citizen he may not have the foreign buyers tax, but I believe 25% of the rental income would be withheld because he's a non-resident. Monthly condo fees are also very high and can eat into the rental income.

Personally, if he buys a property up there, I have a feeling your next post will be how he's pushing you to move again.

I haven’t looked further into this matter. At all. But good friends of his are in the real estate business and have been for a long time, and they have told him about the market. Prices there are approximately 50 percent cheaper than here.

 

[MarmiteC]

i did speak to him about this matter. But we don’t really see eye to eye. He does confirm that it was a mutual decision to take our oldest out of daycare when COVID started. And also a mutual decision to keep the little one at home until she’s turning 2. But he has a hard time understanding that his ability to work (mornings, midday and evenings - when you’re a self employed the “mail is always on”) is due to that I take the kids. He tells me that taking the kids is my job, due to that I’m a stay at home mom. And correct. I am. But I’m a stay at home mom, evenings (I’m the only one putting the kids to sleep) I wake up with them at night (allowing him to sleep)getting up with them in the mornings, being with them throughout the day. He does sometimes make us all dinner. After dinner the kids are again on me - he’s sitting with the laptop in front of him.
I respect that he’s working and I’m super happy that it’s going well for him.
But is it wrong of me to believe that whatever he creates while we are together is something that has only been possible because I take care of our kids, and due to that he should consider me as a sort of shareholder of his success, and if he’ll be able to buy a property due to financial success, I should be owning a fair share of that one?

Absolutely you should share in all the gains from your partnership. I can only encourage you to check but if you were in the UK, and there is no agreement otherwise, it doesn't matter who's name is on the asset, it's a marital asset and shared.

As for the other parts, it also sounds like you hope for a little more help, perhaps some reconnection time?

 

[Pip’sJourney]

I feel that if you are renting right now.. then the priority would be to get a place to live in there first. However he does have a good point about getting a second investment property after you all are taken care of. I think that the main issue here is that you both are not seeing that you both are a team.. working on the same sides. No job should be 24 hours a day nor 7 days a week.. which being a SAHM is. It only leads to burn out and resentment.. this I know. You both need to see yourselves as working together and being US as opposed to you and me. This is something that I have had issue with in my relationship and recently making this shift has helped us a lot.

 

[Strawberry1984]

I think you should have continued from your old thread. Your husband hates where you live and your parents and sibling are more important to you than having a happy family unit with the family YOU created with him.

I think you have misunderstood my post. This is not a matter of hating

I feel that if you are renting right now.. then the priority would be to get a place to live in there first. However he does have a good point about getting a second investment property after you all are taken care of. I think that the main issue here is that you both are not seeing that you both are a team.. working on the same sides. No job should be 24 hours a day nor 7 days a week.. which being a SAHM is. It only leads to burn out and resentment.. this I know. You both need to see yourselves as working together and being US as opposed to you and me. This is something that I have had issue with in my relationship and recently making this shift has helped us a lot.

Dear God, you have literally put my thoughts and feelings into words. This is exactly the way I feel. To answer your first question. Yes, we live in a rented apartment (it’s not time limited, so it’s ours until we decide to move away). The rent is super low compared to the location and size as well. But it’s far from being big. And by American standards, it would be considered as tiny! 🤪 72 square meters and we’re two adults and 2 small children. I would love for us to buy something here. To secure us here. But it’s expensive. And would probably mean that we would have to leave the city and move far out. Which neither of us are interested in. But I do see it making no sense to invest in something abroad when we don’t even “secured” us where we live. He talks of it as an investment. But it’s an investment for HIM. Not for us. And that’s why I get upset. I feel like I'm half the cause of his success…and not being at all credited in that way.
Yes, correct I would love for us to work more as a team! Which we don’t at all. He doesn’t really get how hard it is for me to be on the kids 24/7. He gets to watch tv in the evenings when the kids have been out to sleep (by me) and I can’t allow myself that kind of “treat” as I need to be ready for waking up early with them the next morning. The house is a mess after the kids are off to bed. And usually it stays that way the next morning when I wake up, cause he’s not organizing it! Vice versa I know that I would not be able to sit (child free) and watch tv while the house looked like a mess. So when I wake up the next morning it’s just a big of a mess. I don’t see us working as a team at all. And feel resentment for him thinking that his success is only his.

 

[Prodigal]

I don’t see us working as a team at all.

From you've posted, you are correct about ^^this.^^ But it doesn't sound like he is going to change. In fact, he's looking at real estate investments without bothering to run it past you first.

I'm just guessing here, but I think he's looking at moving back to Canada and into his "investment" property. Maybe not right away, but it sounds like he has one foot out the door already. JMO.

 

[Anastasia6]

I think you have misunderstood my post. This is not a matter of hating

Dear God, you have literally put my thoughts and feelings into words. This is exactly the way I feel. To answer your first question. Yes, we live in a rented apartment (it’s not time limited, so it’s ours until we decide to move away). The rent is super low compared to the location and size as well. But it’s far from being big. And by American standards, it would be considered as tiny! 🤪 72 square meters and we’re two adults and 2 small children. I would love for us to buy something here. To secure us here. But it’s expensive. And would probably mean that we would have to leave the city and move far out. Which neither of us are interested in. But I do see it making no sense to invest in something abroad when we don’t even “secured” us where we live. He talks of it as an investment. But it’s an investment for HIM. Not for us. And that’s why I get upset. I feel like I'm half the cause of his success…and not being at all credited in that way.
Yes, correct I would love for us to work more as a team! Which we don’t at all. He doesn’t really get how hard it is for me to be on the kids 24/7. He gets to watch tv in the evenings when the kids have been out to sleep (by me) and I can’t allow myself that kind of “treat” as I need to be ready for waking up early with them the next morning. The house is a mess after the kids are off to bed. And usually it stays that way the next morning when I wake up, cause he’s not organizing it! Vice versa I know that I would not be able to sit (child free) and watch tv while the house looked like a mess. So when I wake up the next morning it’s just a big of a mess. I don’t see us working as a team at all. And feel resentment for him thinking that his success is only his.

I sounds like you need to start looking for a job and give him 50% responsibility of all household and child chores. If he doesn't like that then have him sit down and agree what to pay you for being on call 24/7. That is expensive. Or pay you 1/2 of the business income. Get it in writing it is obvious he doesn't see that you are contributing. He feels he's earning all the money while you 'play' with the kids. Many men do not truly appreciate how much a Stay at Home mom does and saves by doing this.

This would probably go badly in a divorce. I mean he could just move to Canada and what could Scandinavia do about it?