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I've reread all of your posts and I'm starting to see it. Thank you.

To answer some of your questions, yes, I do work. In fact, I make more than him. Our kids are 8 and 5. So sad. Sex life? Thats the problem. He is a horndog and I am not. I am a plain Jane and he needs spice, apparently. This has always been an issue. I am perfect in every way except when it comes to sex.

We are putting our house (single family) up for sale due to financial issues. We got in over our heads. I know this adds to stress. Looking into a townhome so we can have extra money to actually live and do things. Been living paycheck to paycheck for years. He says he already sees this as exciting as we'll be able to go places and do things. But he's still leaving to "decide". So we will sell and move either together or separately, but either way, we are moving.

I know its bull****. I am looking at homes with the mindset that I will be there without him. I am beginning to have my doubts and need to prepare. Making progress, but still a crying mess. I didn't want this for my kids. I wanted them to have what I had. My parents are 80 and still together. We live in a fairly affluent area. Now I'm a single mom in a townhome, my kids facing divorce.

I ask him repeatedly if this "test" is just prolonging the inevitable. If so, lets just rip the band aid off. This is torture. Says he knows that I may even decide to not take him back. I'm starting to think that. I do deserve better. Although the thought of a relationship with anyone just makes me want to vomit. I am bitter and done.

Thanks for all of your support.
You dont have to start thinking about relationships with other people right now, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Stay strong and focused for yourself and kids.
 

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Lost

Yes stay strong for the children

They need you to be strong

You can cry and complain and vent here

Much as we dont know you , we went thro the same sh*t .

Affair or not , imo , doesn't matter anymore .

He has made his choice to leave wife and kids .

Just get whatever money support n divorce him.

Never let his sorry *ss climb back in again when he is done with his b*tch .

Dont show your girls how to be someone's back up plan
 

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Discussion Starter #43
I am on such a roller coaster right now I can't take it. I truly don't know how to handle all of this. You say go do things that make me happy. What? When? My day is spent taking care of the kids and house (I'm a teacher and off for the summer). I don't really have any friends. The few I have are busy with their families. I just sit on the computer and read about divorce, separation, and this forum. I cry and cry and cry. I can't function. My home is in a state of disarray. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I wake up with this gut wrenching feeling and my chest literally hurts. I keep trying to sleep to make it go away. It doesn't. I am living a nightmare.

I would love to "kick him out", but right now our finances are joint. He's waiting on some money in a couple of weeks to pay for an apartment. That will only last him a couple of months. We still have this house to pay for. We can't afford this house and an apartment (another reason to sell our house) and I am not going to leave him on the street. I am not that kind of person. He is my children's father and they love him dearly. They have no idea of whats to come. It breaks my heart. And although we are not really speaking now, we got along fine before this.

How do people do this?? How do these poor innocent children cope? Pretty soon they are going to be moved from their home, forced to change schools, and Daddy won't be living with us. Its my kids I hurt for the most.
 

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Sorry, did not grow up like you did. My father was an abusive alcoholic so I really do not know what a good father is like.

Children can be resilient, and it depends on the attitude of the both of you. As long as you both are developing your children in a nurturing environment, paying attention to their emotional and mental health, they should be fine.

What really is detrimental during divorce is the two parents will use the children like pawns to score hits against one another.

You are going through the grieving process. Loss is loss.

Take a deep breath. Your constantly focusing on the negative and you end up stuck. That does not help your children nor yourself.

There is plenty you can do to improve yourself. Start by working out, especially in the morning. Getting at least 10 minutes of sunlight is beneficial for the sleep cycle. It helps releases melatonin .

You may also need to see a therapist, your thoughts are spiraling downwards, and some antidepressants may be needed as a crutch for the moment.

I understand you want to give the best life for your children, but what is more important is their environment, and you are also a factor in that. They are learning behavior from you and your husband. You allowing your life and mental health to spiral downwards is also detrimental to your children.

Also, you can go online and find new hobbies or activities to make new friends. Focusing on the things you need to take care of is something else you can do. If money is an issue, plan and learn to thrift, coupons, or see what programs are out there that can help provide temporary relief.

Instead of focusing on things you cannot change, focus on what you can do to improve your situation.

Hey, I came from an abusive home, moved around a lot, and I am doing well. I did well in spite of my circumstances. I had other role models that made up for the lack of parental ones.

Just being an open door, and allowing your children to talk openly with you is helpful. If they sense that you are depressed, lack energy, they might be reticent of talking or asking for your support because you, yourself, is a mess. You cannot fully be there for your children when you are in a state as you are in. Sure you can provide food, shelter, but being able to handle their emotions, and being a role model, is difficult in your depressed state.
 

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I am on such a roller coaster right now I can't take it. I truly don't know how to handle all of this. You say go do things that make me happy. What? When? My day is spent taking care of the kids and house (I'm a teacher and off for the summer). I don't really have any friends. The few I have are busy with their families. I just sit on the computer and read about divorce, separation, and this forum. I cry and cry and cry. I can't function. My home is in a state of disarray. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I wake up with this gut wrenching feeling and my chest literally hurts. I keep trying to sleep to make it go away. It doesn't. I am living a nightmare.

I would love to "kick him out", but right now our finances are joint. He's waiting on some money in a couple of weeks to pay for an apartment. That will only last him a couple of months. We still have this house to pay for. We can't afford this house and an apartment (another reason to sell our house) and I am not going to leave him on the street. I am not that kind of person. He is my children's father and they love him dearly. They have no idea of whats to come. It breaks my heart. And although we are not really speaking now, we got along fine before this.

How do people do this?? How do these poor innocent children cope? Pretty soon they are going to be moved from their home, forced to change schools, and Daddy won't be living with us. Its my kids I hurt for the most.
hey I understand

went through all that sh!t too .

I actually sat down n reprogram and reprogram all my activities and found time . explain to kids now they have to be independent so mummy can have some time to rest and exercise . first priority to exercise to get back the energy . and I did . so i looked smoking hot now . Now I even brought my kids onto tracks for runs together :grin2:


The finances will take a while but slowly you will arrange and re prioritize . in my case I ramp up my work after I work on establishing a homework routine for my kids and repeating to them the need for them to be obedient and independent . It is not easy , took me half a year . During that half year , i think and plan how to ramp up my business . I am in the teaching business too , private classes . The moment my children were ready , I started and my business and income tripled . So I dont even need my ex's support anymore .

easier said than done , LOST 0297 . This process took me a year to think prepare and take off and another half year to establish that income . plus a lot of tears and tears .

You will arrive at a better place . just look towards the end of the tunnel .

The children will be fine if you are fine I was repeatedly told this by my lawyer who was trying to encourage me . I kept telling myself that everyday , every moment .

I told my kids one day , Mr Obama comes from a single mum family and they were really motivated by that and asked for other successful man from single mum . N in my country , the president scholar last year was interviewed and he proudly said he thanked his single mum and he narrated his tough days as a child and how hard his mum worked . Today his mum is a successful entrepreneur in education business .

kids in tough environment grow up faster but they will learn sensibility faster . I grow up tough too . of course as a mum , we want to shelter our kids and protect their innocence . But with such things happening not of our doing , the next best thing is to get the children to cope with life . It is a powerful skill to have for the future as life has never been promised to be smooth . I told my boys that . With this , i tell them what they must look out for in friends , in marriage when they grow up . But you deliver the motivational talk when you strengthen up so it is more convincing .

My kids are doing fine . They are in fact improving in their results and behaviour . Even the teachers told me that !!!! They have no idea the two boys just went through their parents' divorce .

It is long journey . Have faith you will come out the other side . You will . we did .
 

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My story is similar to yours. I am in your profession.
I lost 35 lbs. in two months. I didn't want to eat. Yes, you are going to cry a LOT. DO IT! I thought my life was a nightmare, too. I started HAVING nightmares. Seeing her made me want to cry. It still hurts to see her. Seeing her take her stuff out of the house.... Only having my kids every other week. On and on. Yes, it's awful. I can just tell you it gets better. You will think it never will. I promise you it does. But the first few months are what's so bad. The not knowing is the worst. Your husband has done the worst possible thing to you. He won't tell you one way or the other, for HIS benefit. He doesn't want you. If he comes back, in some amount of time, it will likely be the same old stuff in the future. I didn't want a divorce. My wife started staying on the phone constantly. Said she was on facebook. She was actually sexting and sending pics to other men. She said the typical: I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't love you, you're a bad husband, there's no other man, etc. etc. I don't drink, gamble, smoke, do drugs, don't cheat, no major problems. I am a little selfish on my time a couple of months a year when the fishing is good. I don't waste money or go in debt for junk items. I'm just a normal guy. It was HER. My point is it's not you most likely and from what you describe he's said, it's HIM.

You feel like your life is over. That your dreams of having a home for the kids to come back to on holidays when they're older with the grandkids to see you and your husband are shot. The consistency for you and your kids is also shot to heck. Your financial situation is in ruins. Your chest feels like an anvil is sitting on it all the time. You likely have panic attacks where you just want to run away and hide in your bed, wherever you are. You constantly wonder why this had to happen, when just a few months ago you were both apparently happy and things were going along fine. You regret not doing this or that. It's NOT YOUR FAULT! I was having sex every night with my ex, up until the day I had to ask her to leave because she was still having internet relationships and who knows what else with other men. She told me she was going to stop all that. I heard a voice recording on voxer of 4 different men in which she said the same thing. "The crap has hit the fan, and I'm going to be off for a while until this blows over". That was 4 days after I found out after 2 months of telling me she wanted a divorce and it was ALL MY FAULT. Telling me that there was no other men or anything else. She just was not happy because I didn't do this and that and because I fished too much and this and that and didn't give her enough attn. I had to find out on my own, when I told her every day for two weeks that I felt like there was something she wasn't telling me. She had no intention of stopping that stuff. Whatever the reason your husband wants to leave- I personally think it's likely an affair of some sort, possibly just emotional, he wants to and doesn't love you anymore and sees you in a different way, not as his wife. I hope I'm wrong.
Google Signs of a cheating spouse, and see how many fit your husband. If I were you, it would help me get closure if I knew he was a cheater. There's no other reason if things seem fine and all of a sudden he wants to leave, unless he's involved in drugs, crime, or cheating.
I wish somehow I could take a little of your pain. I know exactly how it feels.
JMO
 

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Grief is a cycle, you are now at the beginning stages and crying is a huge part of it, anger will come and with it the impetus to get up and move.

However, as many have already posted you have to be strong for your kids they are still very young. You have to plan activities, out of the house. Limit the time on the internet searching about divorce, etc it will only make you more miserable. You visit here when you want to 'talk." but do not spend hours as it will bring you down further. Get out of the house as much as possible. Now is the time to make friends, join a club, join a support group, go to the gym, locate a good child minder, etc. Plan what you are going to do each day and what you are going to do for yourself. You need to do this to help yourself.

You should also consider IC just for you. Do not worry about your husband and whether he has a home or not, you would not be in this position except for his selfishness, you only think of you and the children, you now have to be selfish and to a certain extent ruthless. What your WH is doing to you and your kids is beyond ruthless. He is no longer your friend, your life long partner, your lover, your soulmate, your rock, etc, he threw you and the kids under the bus, remember this and change your response towards him. You can be cordial but you have to use the 180 and start detaching emotionally, it is the only thing that will get your through this.

I know it is hard and soul destroying but time will heal your emotions, you will be able to face each day more positively and one day you will wake up and know you got through. You can do this.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
Mornings are the worst. I feel like I can't face the day. I wake up shaking with anxiety. I know I have to be strong. Easier said than done. I feel like such a failure. Failure in marriage, mostly a failure to my kids, disappointment to my family. Mine will be the first divorce ever in my side of the family.

Evenings are easier as I look forward to drowning myself in TV for a bit then going to sleep and it all goes away. Only to start again. How long will this stage last??
 

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Yes aine

Agreed

Ruthless to him

He threw the family under the bus

He can sleep on streets or eat from garbage . N you should walk past him .

Think only for kids n yourself .

He had not considered you n kids when he did what he did . Remember that
 

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The worst of mine lasted about 4-6 months. It was so bad, I don't like to think too hard to get the time straight. Not knowing, being in limbo like I figure you are, was the worst. Don't let yourself be put there. I know the failure feeling. It's all a mixture of emotions that is beyond bearable. But you WILL feel better, no matter what. You will get past it. Just know that it takes a while to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it will appear.
 

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I am on such a roller coaster right now I can't take it. I truly don't know how to handle all of this. You say go do things that make me happy. What? When? My day is spent taking care of the kids and house (I'm a teacher and off for the summer). I don't really have any friends. The few I have are busy with their families. I just sit on the computer and read about divorce, separation, and this forum. I cry and cry and cry. I can't function. My home is in a state of disarray. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I wake up with this gut wrenching feeling and my chest literally hurts. I keep trying to sleep to make it go away. It doesn't. I am living a nightmare.

I would love to "kick him out", but right now our finances are joint. He's waiting on some money in a couple of weeks to pay for an apartment. That will only last him a couple of months. We still have this house to pay for. We can't afford this house and an apartment (another reason to sell our house) and I am not going to leave him on the street. I am not that kind of person. He is my children's father and they love him dearly. They have no idea of whats to come. It breaks my heart. And although we are not really speaking now, we got along fine before this.

How do people do this?? How do these poor innocent children cope? Pretty soon they are going to be moved from their home, forced to change schools, and Daddy won't be living with us. Its my kids I hurt for the most.
Get off the computer. You are spending too much time reading marriage problems and divorce. Refocus you attention to what you are going to do to cope. Get stronger before you start reading up on the legalities of divorce. Prepare to sell the house.
Not having friends is unhealthy. We all need people in real life who we are supportive of and who support us. Are you close to your family and do they live nearby?
Have you had any hobbies that you'd like to get back to? That is a good way to meet people. Do you attend church? There are lots of things to do and get involved with at church, plus they have things for the kids to do while you are there.
Your husband should not be your entire life. Start working on getting healthy and fit and making friends. Stop dwelling on what is wrong in your life. It has consumed you. It doesn't have to be that way.
 

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Mornings are the worst. I feel like I can't face the day. I wake up shaking with anxiety. I know I have to be strong. Easier said than done. I feel like such a failure. Failure in marriage, mostly a failure to my kids, disappointment to my family. Mine will be the first divorce ever in my side of the family.

Evenings are easier as I look forward to drowning myself in TV for a bit then going to sleep and it all goes away. Only to start again. How long will this stage last??
Lost ~

I will not lie to you. It will get worse before it gets better. I too have anxiety in the mornings and it is a horrible feeling. Try to get up and out as bed as soon as you can to distract the feeling. Crying helps. Seeking a therapist helps. If you need an antidepressant, don't fight it. Keep moving. Talk to family and friends. Eat well. Try to sleep.

The above will help you but the real healer is
TIME AND ACCEPTANCE.

Thinking about you.

VH
 

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Does he suffer from severe depression? There may be another interest in his life. (Sorry). Either way, you cannot force it, so put on your big girl pants, wish him well, and begin to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy.
 

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So what did you find when you checked his phone records? What one number you don't know did you find 100s of times in his texting history? What did you learn when you put a keylogger on his computer? What do you hear when you put the voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car and listen back to it to see who he's calling?

If you haven't done these things, YOU are contributing to the downfall of your marriage by not being proactive.

He's a horndog - you're not - that's all I needed to hear. He went out and found a woman willing to give him the wild and crazy sex he THOUGHT he was getting when he married you. And if that's true, the only way to save your marriage is to EXPOSE the cheating so that he has to make a choice.
 

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Hello Lost0297

Sorry that you are in this situation.

I'm also a teacher, and for 6 months I had to put on an act while at work so that I could get through the day. For many months, I suffered recurring nightmares and some days went to teach with only two hours sleep behind me. I also have a teenage son, and I didn't want him to witness my misery. It wasn't easy, but it is not impossible. Accept the fact that healing takes time, and healing can be painful.

You are a lot stronger than you realise, and one day you will know this. Take the advice of CynthiaDe, and find ways to reconnect with the things you enjoyed when you were younger. Play music that lifts your mood, play it loud. Find activities to share with the children, whether painting or swimming, or just watching cartoons together. This begins to distract you from the heartache, and the more you do these things, the more you appreciate what you have, and you know one day, it will occur to you that for the first time, you didn't cry at all for a whole day.

I wish you well.
 

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Discussion Starter #56
He does suffer from depression and is medicated, although I think he needs an adjustment. He cried his eyes out yesterday saying his world is falling apart and he doesn't know what to do. He's starting a new job he regrets taking, we are selling our house because we can't afford it anymore, and our marriage. Says thats why he needs to get away and clear his head and he'll find his way back. I said "no, you won't". I cried, too, but it made me feel better seeing him suffer, too.

I haven't found evidence of cheating and yes, I am being proactive. He seems disinterested in everything.

Going to IC today.
 

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Sorry, but you cannot focus on him. Your relationship is unstable and so is he. You need to secure your life first and either find a way of supporting yourself if it comes to it, and looking for a place you can manage on your own.

Rule of thumb, you have to be able to help yourself before you help others. Even then, his issues are beyond yours to help.

So, please focus on what you need to do, and if you do not seek help of your own, or take actions that place your security first, no one will. If he runs away before you are secure, then you will be in one big struggle more so if you were to be proactive.
 

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Sorry, but you cannot focus on him. Your relationship is unstable and so is he. You need to secure your life first and either find a way of supporting yourself if it comes to it, and looking for a place you can manage on your own.

Rule of thumb, you have to be able to help yourself before you help others. Even then, his issues are beyond yours to help.

So, please focus on what you need to do, and if you do not seek help of your own, or take actions that place your security first, no one will. If he runs away before you are secure, then you will be in one big struggle more so if you were to be proactive.
Agree

Please start thinking forward now , for the children's sake .

Speaking from experience , my ex didn't bother if i could feed my kids or if i could keep roof over our heads .

I had to ramp up my jobs n thank god i did . It's a real struggle at first , in the deficit , digging into savings , yet mounting divorce legal cost .

Start now .
 

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He does suffer from depression and is medicated, although I think he needs an adjustment. He cried his eyes out yesterday saying his world is falling apart and he doesn't know what to do. He's starting a new job he regrets taking, we are selling our house because we can't afford it anymore, and our marriage. Says thats why he needs to get away and clear his head and he'll find his way back. I said "no, you won't". I cried, too, but it made me feel better seeing him suffer, too.

I haven't found evidence of cheating and yes, I am being proactive. He seems disinterested in everything.

Going to IC today.
This makes zero sense to me. He is worried that his "world is falling apart", he is selling his house and apparently doesn't know where he's going to live----yet he needs to "get away and clear his head"???? I call B.S. on that one. There's more to this. A normal person that has insecurity over a new job, doesn't know how they'll live, etc. etc.-- they don't abandon help/ poo-can their wife and want "alone time". They grab on to anyone who'll listen to their problems and who can help them. Something is up with your H. What he says and what he does do not jibe.

Whatever it is, it's not something that you need to listen to. Move on. If you want to take him back one of these days, that's great. But you will suffer forever until you are able to accept that he's gone, and let your mind steer you to a path to happiness, rather than anchoring you to heartache and pain. Let him go in your mind. You'll be far better off, regardless of what you choose in future.
 

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Agree

Please start thinking forward now , for the children's sake .

Speaking from experience , my ex didn't bother if i could feed my kids or if i could keep roof over our heads .
My dad had to pay $100/month for me after he left in the 70s, and he griped about it ALL THE TIME - to ME, not to my mom. On his visitations, he'd take me to the mall and buy me a coke and we'd sit and watch people walk buy. He'd come by our house, see the air conditioning unit that had leaked and fallen through the roof from the second floor to rest on the first floor, which sat there for months before my mom could scrape together enough money to get it fixed, and never offered a dime to help. We ate rice and beans and macaroni for 6 years, cos it was all my mom could afford. And he never offered a dime to help.

It's a man thing - once they move out, they are often able to compartmentalize: old life vs. new life. Don't expect him to be honorable. Get it all in writing and approved by a judge.
 
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