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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Great quote from Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands, a statement by a listener to her radio show:

"Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks. Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful."

And another:

"Men are simple creatures who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration and approval of a woman. . . Women need to better appreciate the magnitude of their power and influence over men, and not misuse or abuse it."

What is ironic is that many men, especially the ones who take their marriage vows seriously, want respect perhaps more than love or do not feel loved if they are not respect. One sure way for a wife to show disrespect for her husband is enforced sexual abstinence. It's not the only way, but it's one terrible passive aggressive way to do so.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
This only tells what sex deprivation means to the husband. What does it refer to for the wife's side of sex deprivation?
A fair question and only one I can answer from a faithful male's perspective. For me, it means I have given up. It means she doesn't have to tell me she does not respect me.
 

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For a woman that wants sex, deprivation is soul crushing. We're always told that men want sex, so for a woman whose man doesn't want sex it means he doesn't want it with her and she has no value. Remember that in many ways society tells women that most of their value is in their looks and sex appeal, so what does it say about your value as a woman if a man, who's supposed to want sex, just doesn't want it with you? At least men are taught that they have other value.

And equating lack of sex with respect relegates it to duty sex, which so many men complain they don't want. Which I get because I don't want it either. Desire is more complicated than that. Lack of respect can certainly suppress desire but respect doesn't necessarily create it.

In an ideal world, couples would work together so everyone is happy.
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Many otherwise loving women don't realize that sex=love for men. It really isn't willful meaness it mainly ignorance. I didn't know and I love and care about my husbands feelings very much. I thought he was like a women with a penis. I read about how men love in a relationship book. The first thing I thought was "why would he think that". I read more books.

The book that helped pull it all together was 5 Love languages. I realized something about my huband that I already knew. My children taught me, they are so different. He, like other people , has needs that are unique to him. Showing love is means meeting the other persons needs to the best of your ability, whatever they are. It's hard to see reality through another persons eyes, though. I don't know any way to change that except by learning it and believing.
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Many otherwise loving women don't realize that sex=love for men. It really isn't willful meaness it mainly ignorance. I didn't know and I love and care about my husbands feelings very much. I thought he was like a women with a penis. I read it in a relationship book. The first thing I thought was "why would he think that". I read more books.

The one that help to pull it all together was 5 Love languages. I realized something about my huband that I already knew. My children taught me because they are so different. He, like other people , have needs that are unique to him. Showing love is meeting their needs to the best as can possible, whatever they are. It's hard to see reality through another persons eyes, though. I don't know any way to change that except by learning it and believing.
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Are women that clueless really seems like that should be pretty common knowledge based on the response men give when withheld from. I think many women don't care and if they don't want to have sex ....so be it
 

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Are men and women that clueless really seems like that should be pretty common knowledge based on the response men and women give when needs are withheld from each other. I think many men and women don't care and if they don't want to meet each others needs....so be it
FIFU

Why assume that it isn't true? What good does it do. You don't want to find a solution maybe. You can operate on the assumption that it is true and try things to overcome it. It certainly won't hurt. It's not true for all woman. But if a wife genuinely loves her husband and is clueless she may respond like me.

T2FIO - it is painful to read your posts. I usually don't. Not because I don't care but because I do. You have been here on TAM for a long time, as have I. It's like seeing a friend in trouble who refuses to change.

I hope so much that you will see the light and get off the pain train. I don't know what to say. You are getting something out of staying where you are, I think. Its my hope that you will finally not need whatever it is and just stop. If its lack of faith that you can do better then read the posts in the LAD section.
 

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Are women that clueless really seems like that should be pretty common knowledge based on the response men give when withheld from. I think many women don't care and if they don't want to have sex ....so be it
And this is exactly why I find you to me misogynistic. Women bad, men poor victim. Men must be catered to and all sexual needs must be met before anyone can even consider asking them to behave like adults. Based on the tone of your posts it seems this attitude isn't working so well for you.

But maybe you're not mysogynistic as much as a victim. Victim mentality never helped anyone.
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I don't really like Dr. Laura and I think that statement is a little insulting to both men and women, and so is her book title. A lot of what she says comes off to me as angry under the surface.
 

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Are women that clueless really seems like that should be pretty common knowledge based on the response men give when withheld from.
Yes, lots of us grew up being told that guys will always be trying to get into our pants, and we should beat them off with a stick because "good girls don't." Thus, we learned that sex does not equal love for men. We're taught guys want it whether they love you or not, and they're not necessarily seeking love when they seek sex, so keep your legs closed lest you be considered a sl*t. That lesson was reinforced in high school, college, and early adulthood by much of what we saw around us or experienced ourselves - men have lots and lots of sex without love.

No one taught us that sex = love for men or that they sometimes have sex because they like how it feels, and sometimes it's how they give and receive love, and sometimes it's both. So, no, it's not obvious to every woman that sex = love for men. I'm still not sure that sex = love for all men, as a universal truth. And it means a lot of other things, too, not just love.

And no, all men aren't always clear that sex = love to them. It's not clear since often the conversation centers around sex, more sex, different sex, sex, sex, sex. They talk about needing sex, not love.

Those that can and do show their partner, or are able to articulate that sex = love, are more likely to get through to their partner so that the relationship issues can be addressed. If that doesn't work, it's time to go.

I think many women don't care and if they don't want to have sex ....so be it
If by "don't care" you mean "have the right as a human to choose if she has sex," then I agree.
 

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A fair question and only one I can answer from a faithful male's perspective. For me, it means I have given up. It means she doesn't have to tell me she does not respect me.
:scratchhead:

I think that SB as talking about what sex deprivation means to a woman when it's her husband who is refusing her sex.

I take your response to mean that if a man deprives his wife of sex it's because she does not respect him?????
 

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Yes, lots of us grew up being told that guys will always be trying to get into our pants, and we should beat them off with a stick because "good girls don't." Thus, we learned that sex does not equal love for men. We're taught guys want it whether they love you or not, and they're not necessarily seeking love when they seek sex, so keep your legs closed lest you be considered a sl*t. That lesson was reinforced in high school, college, and early adulthood by much of what we saw around us or experienced ourselves - men have lots and lots of sex without love.

No one taught us that sex = love for men or that they sometimes have sex because they like how it feels, and sometimes it's how they give and receive love, and sometimes it's both. So, no, it's not obvious to every woman that sex = love for men. I'm still not sure that sex = love for all men, as a universal truth. And it means a lot of other things, too, not just love.

And no, all men aren't always clear that sex = love to them. It's not clear since often the conversation centers around sex, more sex, different sex, sex, sex, sex. They talk about needing sex, not love.

Those that can and do show their partner, or are able to articulate that sex = love, are more likely to get through to their partner so that the relationship issues can be addressed. If that doesn't work, it's time to go.

If by "don't care" you mean "have the right as a human to choose if she has sex," then I agree.
Thanks for the thought out answer I appreciate it....

So do you think men like talk or other for love more?

Curious what other metric do men equate love with....

Here I will give you another respect...respect for his "needs" respect for killing rats or changing the oil or paying the bills etc or going to work everyday and still helping

Its not rocket science its all over...Men like sex and seek wives for sex because they thought they had a willing always there spouse who loved or at the very least liked him....they DID NOT marry NOT to have sex.

Is that so hard for all women to understand?

Sex and respect are two biggies..not acts of service or whatever women list men are very different.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
:scratchhead:

I think that SB as talking about what sex deprivation means to a woman when it's her husband who is refusing her sex.

I take your response to mean that if a man deprives his wife of sex it's because she does not respect him?????
I understand what SB is asking, but I am a man. I can not answer the question of what sex deprivation means to a woman.

No, I am not saying a man deprives his wife of sex because she does not respect him. I am saying that a wife is communicating that she does not respect her husband by depriving him of not only sex, but affection. To a man, actions speak a whole lot more than words. And every man needs respect, knows that as a husband that should allow him at least some form of respect. After a while, the man simply gives up. Believe me, I know.

Reminds me of a Tom Petty song called "You're So Bad"!!
 

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I understand what SB is asking, but I am a man. I can not answer the question of what sex deprivation means to a woman.

No, I am not saying a man deprives his wife of sex because she does not respect him. I am saying that a wife is communicating that she does not respect her husband by depriving him of not only sex, but affection. To a man, actions speak a whole lot more than words. And every man needs respect, knows that as a husband that should allow him at least some form of respect. After a while, the man simply gives up. Believe me, I know.!
Your thread post makes it sound like you wanted to discuss how it affects both men and women when they are deprived.

Are you saying that love is not all that important to men?

Women need love, respect, affection, and intimacy. For a woman, being deprived of sex deprives her of all that. So it's pretty much the same for women who are sexually deprived by their husbands.
 

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Great quote from Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands, a statement by a listener to her radio show:

"Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks. Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful."

And another:

"Men are simple creatures who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration and approval of a woman. . . Women need to better appreciate the magnitude of their power and influence over men, and not misuse or abuse it."

What is ironic is that many men, especially the ones who take their marriage vows seriously, want respect perhaps more than love or do not feel loved if they are not respect. One sure way for a wife to show disrespect for her husband is enforced sexual abstinence. It's not the only way, but it's one terrible passive aggressive way to do so.

I remember Dr. Laura. She was awesome and I listened to her daily. But then they took her off the air or you have to pay a subscription fee, etc. Maybe that has changed again?

Agreed. When the ladies withhold sex for whatever reasons, nothing good comes of this at all......doesn't take me long, one week before I start withholding attention and talking with Mrs.CuddleBug. If my needs aren't being taken care of, hers won't be either. I don't deny her attention, listening and support, so she should never deny me what I need, sexual intimacy and physical attention, yet she does, doesn't realize it or see it as a big issue.

A guy can only go so long being faithful to his wifee with little sex. She sets the stage for him to be weak and stray.

This happened with former friends of ours. She only wanted sex 1x week or less and he is HD and needed it almost daily. Over years, he relived himself and to porn and this didn't get her wondering, maybe I should take care of his needs more. So he eventually had oral sex with her female friends and sex with another married woman. She eventually found out. Divorce and then she married some guy that's much older than she is, maybe 15+ years older.
 
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