Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
When my husband and I met my son lived with my mother. 2 years into our relationship, my son was 9, he came to live with us. My husband never liked him and was glad at 17 when my son moved out. Now my son is 18 and his girlfriend is pregnant. My husband said "I can see what is going to happen, we should just get divorced now" "that kid had f**ked up my life for 8 years and no that he is gone I can see I am still going to be forking out for his mistakes.
I of course will help with my grandchild but my husband feels like he should not have to help. But we are we.
What do I do?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,696 Posts
Separate finances or get divorced. Your husband has banked the kid to that age and its your son's screw up. Let your son deal with his own crap. If he is old enough to get a girl pregnant he is old enough to deal with the consequences.

This is exactly the kind of situation that makes some men, me included, to say that they would not engage in a relationship with a woman with kids.

"We are we", only "we" for you is something different from your husband's "we". His "we" doesn't include your son.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
my exhusband treated my son like dirt while treating his own child like royalty.My son and I became much closer and happier once I left.
kids make mistakes,I got pregnant as a teenager and it wasn't the end of my life.I don't think you should financially support them but still be there for your son no matter what your husband says.Being there doesn't mean giving the kid handouts.But the fact is the baby is your grandchild.If they seriously need help I highly doubt you'll be able to turn your back on them and still sleep at night.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
I think your husband is cruel.

If my husband hated my 9 yr. old son, he would not be my husband.

I feel so bad for your son who had to live with that man. I would also be helping the young pregnant couple with my Grandchild. It sounds like you stand up for yourself which is good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
I think your husband is cruel.

If my husband hated my 9 yr. old son, he would not be my husband.

I feel so bad for your son who had to live with that man.
:iagree::iagree:

9 years old is awfully young to feel the hate vibe coming from your mom's husband.
Could you imagine only being alive 9 years and have someone aiming that sort of hate your way?It's beyond sad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
I think if you help your son too much you will only stop him from taking responsibility for his own mistakes. I've seen this with my sister and now her daughter. They are just used to others cleaning up their messes that it never dawns on them to stop making them in the first place. There are never any consequences because my parents always bail them out.

Now on the part where your husband hates your son that is yes mean and cruel.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,156 Posts
Ouch - that's got to be an incredibly painful situation to be in. I could not be married or involved with a man who did not love my children as his own.

My husband gets frustrated and irritated sometimes with my daughters' choices but it comes from a place of love and wanting to see them succeed. They would always be welcome to come home and get their bearings (with limitations and very strict expectations if coming home with a child).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
I think your husband is cruel.

If my husband hated my 9 yr. old son, he would not be my husband.

I feel so bad for your son who had to live with that man. I would also be helping the young pregnant couple with my Grandchild. It sounds like you stand up for yourself which is good.
This...when he married you he married all of you that includes responsibility to your son.


Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,986 Posts
Tough situation. You said H never liked him. Was the feeling mutual? Did son intentionally make his (H's) life difficult? How did you handle the situation? If H felt he got the shaft (playing second fiddle to your son) for nine years I can see why he's not happy now. That doesn't really sound like a we situation. A we situation would be that you put marriage first, son second.

But you didn't really describe the years that your son spent with you and your H.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
I'm wondering why your husband hated your son. Over the years would you say that you routinely backed your husband up in matters involving your son? Or would you say that you routinely overrode your husband in matters involving your son? Over the years, did you contribute financially to the household? Or was it just your husband paying for everything, including another man's child?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
326 Posts
Every family situation such as this is different. If your husband was mean to your child, at 9 years old, shame on YOU for staying (at that time) and letting your child endure that. Sounds like your H is a "dirt bag" and is mean.

However, that being said, we are just hearing your side of the story. Men are sometimes taken advantage of. I have a good friend who married a woman with 2 children, at the time they were about 6 & 8 . My friend was a good step-father and good H to his W. When the children grew up and left home at around age 20 , she divorced him. He was left heartbroken and feeling used........ The same thing happened to a family member of mine, but he was taken advantage of even more so. He spent thousands and thousands in court costs to help his wife, to get custody of her children from her Ex H. He was a good step- father and H and also loved the kids as his own. Well when the kids grew up she dumped him. He was left broken and used.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
291 Posts
When my husband and I met my son lived with my mother. 2 years into our relationship, my son was 9, he came to live with us. My husband never liked him and was glad at 17 when my son moved out. Now my son is 18 and his girlfriend is pregnant. My husband said "I can see what is going to happen, we should just get divorced now" "that kid had f**ked up my life for 8 years and no that he is gone I can see I am still going to be forking out for his mistakes.
I of course will help with my grandchild but my husband feels like he should not have to help. But we are we.
What do I do?
Wow.

So your son bounces from a two year stay at his grandmother's house into your house when he's a mere 9 years of age.

Then....lucky little boy...he gets to spend 8 years with a step-father who doesn't love or even like him. (And worse than that..with a mother who clearly thought that this was an acceptable environment to keep him in)

Gee...I wonder why this kid "f*cked up" at 17?

What do you do?

hmm...

Frankly, it seems like you should've asked yourself this question years ago

It's interesting, your thread title really says it all: Husband vs Son.

Looks like you picked your husband OVER YOUR son a long, long time ago

Do you think that was the right thing to do?

And if you don't think this was right...(and I hope you don't)...you should work to make this right now...

Ask yourself:

What would A GOOD MOM do in this situation?


And then, grow a backbone, find some courage/character within yourself....and JUST DO IT
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,725 Posts
I have seen three occasions in my family where as stepfather has to interact with a son.

In two of those it is harmonious, and in the third there was a lot of tension...which came from the son treating the stepfather badly, and spurning the stepfather's efforts. So when there is tension it is not always the stepfather's fault.

Your husband also had to live with the son during the teenage years, which are the hardest. Did he ever try to discipline the son only to be told "You are not my father!" for example.

Not only that, we don't know if your husband made those remarks in anger or if they are really how he feels.

Bottom line is...you can talk to your husband and agree how to handle the son, and come up with something you can both live with.

Or you can divorce. Or you can disown your son. (And I am assuming neither of this is what you want).

I don't think it is unreasonable for the husband to love you but not necessarily feel close to the son. Heck, I used to fight with my in-laws all the time. For the sake of my wife we learned to co-exist, and I certainly sought to do the right thing by them, but there is no way I would feel about them how I felt about my own parents!

But your husband has to compromise for your sake if he wants you to be happy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,696 Posts
I thimk its ok to help your grown son. But there has to be some sorta of stipulation that he needs to be making the grade so to speak. looking to better himself for his new family.activly looking for a good job with room for improvement. or going to school so he can get a better job and getting good grades. along with being a productive member of the family like helping around the house etc,


now if your son is a good kid and doing all the things he should be doing then your husband should be suportive.

did your husband ever try to have a relationship with your son. If not thats a problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,558 Posts
While we know nothing about the son at age 9, I'm not sure why someone would marry another person who has a 9 year old they can't stand. Not a wise decision.
At the same time, the son and his girlfriend screwed up big time now.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top