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bewildered!

my husband never initiates having sex with me. we do have sex if i was the one initiating. aside from that, nothing will happen. i heard different reasons: "climate is too hot", "it's freezing this time", "i'm busy thinking of so many things", "i thought you didn't like it", "you don't tell me", "you were having periods, right or is it over?", "you don't start it". then lately he told me that he sees me more as his baby than his wife. though he likes to hug and cuddle in bed.

he is elder than me by 1 year. he's 35 now.

i don't understand anything now. we're just married for a year. i couldn't compare our sex life with others since he is all i got ever since i started loving someone aside my family. we didn't have sex before marriage. first sexual experience with him was 1 week after the wedding.

i don't know how to say but i feel unwanted, undesired, unloved. i couldn't help but think of his past affairs. i don't think he was the same with them. he was assertive. i initiated sex with them (according to him) and he even told me that he was wild before.

i don't know what's happening now? i am so alone and lonely.
 

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... first sexual experience with him was 1 week after the wedding.
I'm not surprised you're concerned. 1 week? Goodness - I didn't manange to not have sex with my wife for one hour, once we got to our room on our wedding night. (We didn't have sex til our wedding night either.)

I'm not surprised you're feeling unloved. I wonder if, after all his previous 'wild' times, he wants to put you on a pedestal, and for you to be different from 'those women he had cheap flings with' ? Just a possibility.

Not that it would do you much good - a woman wants to be desired and being on a pedestal doesn't help with that.

As for what you can do about ... umm.

The usual mantra is 'communication' - having said that, it seems you have been trying. Have you sat him down, and talked through the issue with him in a calm, non-threatening way, explaining how you feel, and what you want from him (and why)?

Rags
 

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then lately he told me that he sees me more as his baby than his wife. though he likes to hug and cuddle in bed.
Did you ask him what he means by he thinks of you more like his baby than a wife? Sorry but thats a question that needs an answer. Do you feel he sees you as a child? Do you have childlike qualities?
 

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Re: husband treats me as his daughter...denies sex :(

The usual mantra is 'communication' - having said that, it seems you have been trying. Have you sat him down, and talked through the issue with him in a calm, non-threatening way, explaining how you feel, and what you want from him (and why)?

Rags
we've talked plenty of times about this and he would just give me all those reasons. when i tell him that maybe i am not attractive as those women he dated before, he would say that it's not true, and that he wouldn't have married me if that was the case. he said that he likes me to initiate. i told him that i also like to feel wanted at times. i also told him that whenever i initiate and he would turn me down, he makes me feel the ugliest creature on the planet who doesn't deserve any attention, much more affection! then he would just stay silent and he will hug me tight. and if i was lucky enough, he will make love with me the following night or else he will not deny me if i initiated. this has become a routine. i don't know what to do. :(


Did you ask him what he means by he thinks of you more like his baby than a wife? Sorry but thats a question that needs an answer. Do you feel he sees you as a child? Do you have childlike qualities?

he said that i am fragile and that i trust him very much like a child does to her parents. he protects me, really. none can play tricks on me or push me around. he put me in a place where no one can say anything negative about me. he gives me everything i need. when he's out of station, he would call me more than i do just to see if i had taken my breakfast or lunch or dinner, or if i was enjoying movies on TV or if i played with our dogs. when i say something like, "hey i'm doing some house chores", he would often tell me to relax or finish it fast so i could relax. and would you believe it that he doesn't like me to cook when i am alone in the house. he likes me to cook when he's around or when someone is round so that they could open the gas stove for me. i protested so he bought me an electric stove so that everything would be easy for me!

I've been wondering about this. i used to be a social worker. I've traveled half the world and lived by myself, cooked by myself, went to do grocery by myself, did my laundry by myself...mostly by myself. i feel i'm capable to do anything that any normal housewife does. but alas, i am a baby wife for him.

now i don't know what's my real problem...i'm so confused! :(
 

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And those are his reasons for not wanting to have sex with you?

Perhaps you should find a man who not only is good to you in other ways but treats you like a sexual human being as well, and not a child.
 

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Are you in an arranged marriage?

Are you certain he isn't cheating on you?

Are you two living alone or with others?

Do you have any hobbies? A job? Friends?

Are you clingy or needy or dependent on him for a lot of stuff?

Have you asked him to explain the baby comment?

Have you suggested marriage counseling yet?

If course you feel unwanted. You and your new husband aren't connecting. Get to the bottom of why and you can try to fix it.

Have you read "His Needs Her Needs"? How about "Why Men Love B!itches"? Both useful books. Try reading them.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Are you in an arranged marriage?
No, we're not.

Are you certain he isn't cheating on you?
Yes I am certain that there is no one else. He's always home when he has no work. And if he has to go out of the city, he'll catch the next flight or train schedule after the meeting. I know all the people in his office, he brings me often there. I know all email accounts and password for each. I "manage" his FB account. I can check his mobile anytime. There is nothing in there but business deals.

Are you two living alone or with others?
We live with his parents. No, let me rephrase is. His parents are living with us. We have our room in the second floor and his folks are staying always at the ground floor.

Do you have any hobbies? A job? Friends?
I used to have a job but after marriage he asked me to quit it and just stay home. I have friends back in my home country.

Are you clingy or needy or dependent on him for a lot of stuff?
Since I stay at home and doesn't earn for myself, I have no choice but to ask him for everything. I wanted to do some work so I could at least have something to spend on my own but he told me that he likes it when I ask him for everything. He doesn't like anyone giving me what I want or what I need. If there is someone to do that job, it should be him and only him!

Have you asked him to explain the baby comment?
Yes, he said that I am too fragile and that I trust him like how a child does to his parents.

Have you suggested marriage counseling yet?
Not yet :(

If course you feel unwanted. You and your new husband aren't connecting. Get to the bottom of why and you can try to fix it.

Have you read "His Needs Her Needs"? How about "Why Men Love B!itches"? Both useful books. Try reading them.
I haven't read those books but I will find a copy of both. Those might help. My mind is so clouded. I am not the same girl that I used to be before I married him. I'm always sad. I'm just trying to be happy so my in-laws wouldn't suspect that something is amiss so that they wouldn't ask anything. It's hard. English isn't well-spoken by his folks. :(
 
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