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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for only 5 months. We have 2 boys the same age but from previous marriages. I have my son all the time and he gets his every other week and weekend. So half the time. Anyways, for christmas he got his son a snowboarding pass for them two to go for the day. Which was a great idea. His son is having a hard time with the marriage and treats me very badly so I thought they should have some time together. Well they went today and before they left I said I was going to take my son to the movies and I went into the bathroom, when I came out my husband charged at me and said he did not want me going to the movies, we can do it as a family next week. "just cause he is doing something doesnt mean I have to". I thought that was bull. I was going to ask him why but he seemed so serious I figured it would start a fight. He has said before he didnt want me doing anything without him. That we do everything together. He wouldnt even let me go to my friends "toy" party at her HOUSE the other night. He had a fit about that! Is this something that is going to get worse you think? I have never dealt with this before.
 

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How old are you, your husband and the two boys?

How long did you date your husband before marrying him? Was he like this before you married him .


So your husband goes out with his son alone but he will not 'allow' you to go out with your son? And you are following his orders?

This is the start of some serious abuse. Not only did he tell you this but he did it in an intimidating manner.

He was upset because you went to a 'toy' party? Are you talking about a party for kids toys or adult sex toys?

Does your husband not like your friends and family?
 

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when I came out my husband charged at me and said he did not want me going to the movies, we can do it as a family next week. "just cause he is doing something doesnt mean I have to". ... He has said before he didnt want me doing anything without him. That we do everything together. He wouldnt even let me go to my friends "toy" party at her HOUSE the other night. He had a fit about that! Is this something that is going to get worse you think?
So, by his rules, everything must be done together as a family, yet he takes his son snowboarding without you. I see. EleGirl is exactly right. This IS abuse. And, yes, it's going to escalate.

I hope you are going to see this for what it is. And it's very serious. He's isolating you. Stop allowing him to do this. I have this feeling you're going to see him escalate when, and if, you challenge his authority.

I couldn't live with someone who exhibited this behavior. It's scary.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I know it is controlling...I just dont know if it will get any worse. I mean this IS bad enough. But like I said I have never dealt with this. I do love him and he is amazing to my son and me in all the other aspects.
I have known him for years. Well we "knew" of eachother, seen eachother here and there (small town). But we hooked up about 2 years ago and married 5 months ago. And ours sons are 11. His son is very rude and I have a hard time keeing my cool with him but I do it cause he is a child. But he is a very selfish kid. I did not go to the toy party (yes it was an adult one), cause he told me not to. He used to say as long as it was at my friends house its fine, but now its not even that. He says no to that. I thought it was just my friends he did not like but I started hanging out with one of his friends wives and he will not even let me go out with her alone!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I asked him what are you going to do if I do go out with them? and he said well in that case he should of never married me cause I was clearly not ready to settle down.
 

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Your husband is abusive. And yes it will escalate.

A good part of his son being rude to you is that his son has learned that his father is going to control you. So like father, like son. His son will always be rude to you because of this. He thinks he is on a high level on he pecking order than you are. His son probably is not very nice to your son either. This too will escalate.

So he is isolating you from your friends. He's controlling your relationship with your son. He's controlling you. He's using agressive body language with you. This is all classic abusive behavior.

Did you take your son to the movies? I hope you did. If not why not. What are you afraid of? What will he do if you take your son?
 

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I asked him what are you going to do if I do go out with them? and he said well in that case he should of never married me cause I was clearly not ready to settle down.
What was your response to this nonsense?
 

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Was he like that before you married him?
 

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Divorce him immediately. This will continue to get worse, and nothing you can say, do, or promise will make it better. And if you stand up to him to demand your natural rights, you will get a beatdown, either mental or physical. You may be thinking, "But we just got married, and dated for nearly two years before that!! I can't do that at THIS point!" Yes you can. You will be cursing yourself for not doing so about a year from now.

How do I know? I dated someone like this, and nearly married him. It was the exact same: He "preferred" I wear this or that outfit and jewelry; he advised I might want to eat this and not that; he wanted me to stay at his side ALL the time. Didn't want to spend time with my family and friends, and pouted when I didn't want to spend time with his. He made me question my sanity and mental stability (telling me it was MY fault he acted that way; clearly I didn't love him enough to keep him from beating on me; HE was not in the wrong for escalating anything), and I kept telling him I love him and want to work it out. NOTHING worked.

Within a year, he pulled a weapon on me. I left, filed a police report, and prepared to press charges. He vanished, and I haven't seen him since.
 

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I know it is controlling...I just dont know if it will get any worse. I mean this IS bad enough. But like I said I have never dealt with this. I do love him and he is amazing to my son and me in all the other aspects.
What does he do that is "amazing" for you and your son? I'd like to know. You've given clear details of how he rules his fiefdom with an iron fist. So what is he doing that makes him someone you love?

Stick around. It will get worse. And you will find out what it is like to deal with an abuser. 'Cause I'd bet the farm if you stand up for yourself and tell him you're going somewhere without his "permission," he'll escalate.
 
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What does he do that is "amazing" for you and your son? I'd like to know. You've given clear details of how he rules his fiefdom with an iron fist. So what is he doing that makes him someone you love?

Stick around. It will get worse. And you will find out what it is like to deal with an abuser. 'Cause I'd bet the farm if you stand up for yourself and tell him you're going somewhere without his "permission," he'll escalate.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
wow some of you nailed it right on...now I am kind of scared. Not sure what to do. No I did not take my son to the movies cause I was afraid of what he may do. I was just shocked he said that. And what was I supposed to say in his response to him not marring me if I was going to go out with the girls? I mean Its alittle to late now. We are married. I went out with them all the time when we were dating, and he went with us. And come to think of it, he was alittle like this when we were dating. He would always come to my apartment without calling to "check" on me ect...if I didnt answer my phone he would come over. And Sunvally- its funny you say that- cause just last week I wore a tank top to work cause it gets really hot there, and he FLIPPED, told me to wear a teeshirt from now on. He "doesnt want me showing my hot body to anyone else".
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I agree with you all now that it will get worse. I just am in shock kind of and dont really know where to go from here I guess. I mean we ARE married and he is great in many other ways. He takes care of us, and is caring and loving and is always there for me. Maybe thats the problem, he's always here! lol
 

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Do you have family who can help you?

YOu have a job that I assume supported you and your son before you married. so you can move out and get a place on your own.

I don't know how old you are so don't take this as patronizing... I'm 63 so most here are younger than me. If you were my daughter I'd tell you to leave him now. Who cares if you are married now if he is being abusive. Abuse is a valid reason for leaving a marriage.

He was like this before you married. You just ignored the signs. Now you know what the signs look like. Now that you are his wife and he is supporting you, he is using that dependency to become abusive and put more control on you.
 

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Also - what's going to happen if he continues to show that behavior not only to his son, but yours as well - do you want to eventually be in a house with three grown men who have learned they can treat you however they like?

I'm very sorry this has happened, but - better finding out sooner than later.
 

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I'm so sorry about this.

Agree with the others, your husband is VERY abusive & controlling.

Please for the sake of your son, create an exit plan if you don't want to live like a prisoner.
 

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Well, you are married, but a marriage is a partnership, so while you're legally married, it's not a spiritual marriage by any means. It sounds more like a tethering or having a ball and chain. It's certainly not what you signed up for or made a vow to uphold. Seems like he is just winning on technicalities here.
 

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You are in an abusive situation. If you stay in it, if you acquiesce to his control and intimidation, your son will learn from you that you think it is okay for men to treat women this way.

You can't change your husband. It will get worse.

Get out sooner rather than later, for your son's sake and your own.
 
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