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Husband told me he does not want to work, ever.

22K views 219 replies 57 participants last post by  Thundarr 
#1 · (Edited)
My husband was laid off about 10 months ago. He got the job (admin) through a family member. When that person retired, they got rid of him.

We've been married about a year and a half. I have a decent full time job but am trying to pay off all my old bills so I can start a business. We're both in our early forties.

He does the minimum necessary to keep the unemployment going, but it will run out soon. (when he first started getting it, he found the process so difficult that he announced he was going to stop calling in because it was too hard. I guess he expected I'd say that that was fine and I would just pay all the bills. Not!).

He wears the same clothes- or a robe- for days in a row, and has gained a belly. From what I can tell the great majority of his time is spent on Facebook, downloading music or watching movies.

He also spends time on his own personal projects (the arts) that he enjoys, which I think is great, but those unfortunately do not pay anything.

Supposedly, before the lay off all he wanted was time to finish writing a book he'd started. But he's barely worked on it at all being home every day for the better part of a year.

This isn't a situation where his job was his life and now he feels inadequate and depressed. He considers himself a creative artist and has never cared at all about having a traditional career. He spent most of his time at his job surfing the internet. But at least he went every day and made enough money to pay the bills.

He's shown virtually no interest in supporting himself, and resists any effort I make to try and figure out what type of job he can tolerate. I've tried saying nothing (because he gets mad, as if I have no right to 'nag' him about getting a job or to even ask what his plan is), and I've tried being as blunt as I can possibly be. Nothing I do or say seems to have any effect. It's like talking to the proverbial wall.

We live rent-free in a house his parents own. This certainly helps financially, but we are also beholden to them, which isn't ideal.

Today he told me it makes no difference what job he gets, because they are all the same, there is no job he will not hate. I said well, then we at least need to figure out a job you can do that will generate as much money as possible.

I'm starting to lose hope for a future with this man. I don't really want to leave him, but also don't want to be tied to someone who won't take responsibility for his life and just scrape by.

Our relationship is good in most other ways, but a lot of the time I feel I'm married to a teenage boy who just wants everything done for him. It's impossible not to lose respect for someone in this situation. I've lost a lot of my attraction to him. Maybe he'll finally get a job, and things will improve. But damage has been done.

Maybe it is a double standard (men have to be strong and capable). But I would never ask or expect him to support me or think it was fine that I did whatever I wanted all day while he worked.

I blame myself for getting into this situation. The last major relationship I had was with a similarly helpless, entitled man. All I wanted was a man who was self-sufficient. Clearly there is something about me that leads me to choose these people.

Any advice appreciated, thanks for reading.
 
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#4 ·
This is a tough position to be in with a spouse, but it sounds like he needs to be shocked out of his behavior. Along the lines of what Costa wrote, it seems that you need to be blunt that you are going to walk if he doesn't get his act together. Not only that, but you need to follow through with a separation and possibly filing for divorce. From what you wrote, I don't think anything less than you leaving is going to shake him up. Even that might not do it. You have already loss respect and attraction towards him, so he has a lot of work to do, already.

Start by not taking care of him in any way from now on. If you wash his laundry, cook meals, clean, then stop and concentrate on yourself. If he continues to behave in the same manner, then you know for sure that it's time to go. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership with both spouses contributing to make a better life together. He hasn't gotten the memo yet.
 
#5 ·
I'm in a similar situation with aman who has done this for 10 years.

When we married he had a very good job but was laid off about 2 years into it. Since then he's done just about nothing except play computer games, surf the internet, and frequent virtual worlds for cybering and socializing. He too has been writing books.. a few fo them for all this time. None are finished.

Don't wait as long as I have. Give him a deadline in weeks/months. Then divorce him and move on...

unless you are willing to support him and do most of all that needs to be done to keep a house, finances, etc, while he lives a live of leasure.

How did he support himself before you came along?
 
#9 ·
I don't want to work either. But I have to in order to survive and also provide for those whose survival depends on me.

Sounds like he is burned out or depressed, he needs a good shake up and rewrite to get out of his funk, maybe a doctors visit to determine how much is physiological and get him the appropriate medication.
 
#11 ·
This is nuts,I'm a steelworker and do 65 hours a week.I'm a plow mule but I'm appreciated.
My wife just stared a job that will help but I make the money,they depend on me and I wont sit on my duff while mom and dad pay the rent.
I was on my own at 16.
Just insane,a man takes care of his family,if the wife works also even better! It helps out.
I dont like "men" who wont work if they are able.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#14 ·
He considers himself a creative artist and has never cared at all about having a traditional career.
Ah, yes ... the terminally special and unique, who are only willing to die for their "art, craft, calling." Sorry for sounding sarcastic, but this really rang a bell for me. A billion years ago, when I was taking a college psych course, we had a similar case study.

These people have an inflated sense of their own importance. So he's a "creative artist." What has he done as far as his "art" is concerned? Does he work in an art studio? Is he planning to have a showing of his "art"? Is he networking with other artists in order to refine his craft and make money at it?

Uh, I doubt it ... Yes, this may be depression. But it may also be a case of narcissism.

Sure, he may find a job. But why should you wait for him to discover himself by getting a job he feels he deserves? I think you get my drift ....
 
#15 ·
Thank you everyone for responding. Just 'talking' about this is helpful.

Elegirl are you still married? He had a low skill type of office job when I met him that he got with the help of a family member.

TM84, I have tried a few times to have the 'our goals as a couple', 'what do we want for our future and how are we going to get there' talk. He does not want to participate. He is the type of person who sits and waits for things to happen.

He can certainly be negative, but I don't feel that he's clinically depressed. He can get all kinds of things done, as long as it's for HIS project (he does local theater). But I will broach the topic of seeing a doctor.

Emerald, no, I will not support him. He'll have to ask his parents! I've told him that I don't make enough money to support both of us, and even if I did, I don't want to.

I've been scouring job ads, researching what will be in demand, trying to figure out what type of job would work for him, reading through all the tech college programs, making suggestion after suggestion...but he is a grown man! Why should I even need to do any of this for him? He blows it all off anyway.

He's also told me he doesn't care to listen to me talk about my own job anymore. (I started a new position several months ago and it's been pretty stressful and a big learning curve) So it's not like I have him to confide in when I've had a hard day.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed. And pretty depressed at the thought of trying to find another partner at this age :(
 
#41 ·
He's also told me he doesn't care to listen to me talk about my own job anymore. (I started a new position several months ago and it's been pretty stressful and a big learning curve) So it's not like I have him to confide in when I've had a hard day.(
This is a big red flag for me. If he were single, then being the poor, misunderstood artist that sacrifices everything for his art would not be a problem. The only person he would be affecting is himself. But as a married man, if he is unable to offer you even the rudimentary levels of supporty that should be expected in a marriage, then I'm not sure how this would work.
 
#16 ·
I was in a similar situation with my long-time husband. He was a hard worker during the first half of the marriage and it never occurred to me that his employment would be one of our biggest challenges. But he lost his job and eventually became comfortable not working. He worked minimally, not trying to better his situation, for literally over 7 years. It never dawned on me until going through that experience that you cannot "make" your spouse get a job. If they don't want a job, nothing you do, short of leaving them, will make them work. You can look up jobs, but you can't make them try at the interview. And you are right, the damage has been done. And it will be very hard if not impossible to undo it. I don't understand what some men will sacrifice in order to be lazy. I lost all respect for my husband as a man. Like you, I tried being nice, mean, blunt, avoidance, everything. Nothing worked. My divorce was final last week and I feel more and more every day like a weight has been lifted. I don't need to work full-time in order to support a healthy, adult male so that he can sit around the house day after day accomplishing absolutely nothing -- an arrangement that we never discussed, or negotiated. He simply took it. I never, ever agreed to that.

My advice, and I'm sure you've already done this, is to make it clear that this is not acceptable. KNOW that the longer it continues like this, the more it will become the norm and soon he will treat you like you're the odd one for wanting it to be any other way. You will think that the more time he spends like this, the more credibility your position will have, but it will actually get less. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. You won't have the energy to fight about it every day, so you'll only bring it up when you can't keep it inside any longer and then you will be treated like, "oh, this again ... ". You have my sympathies. I'd rather be alone than put up with that again from a man.
 
#18 ·
Pink,

Another reason that you need to act sooner than later on this is that, depending on your state divorce laws, you could end up oweing him alimony for at least a few years it not for the rest of your life.
 
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#21 ·
pink lady:

Honestly, save yourself the HEADACHES, get a divorce (file NOW), and move on with your life.

Look, this isn't some 'oh he lost his job and now he's depressed' scenario. THIS is the way this man lives his life.

HE'S MOOCHING OFF HIS PARENTS IN A FREE HOUSE for cr*p's sakes!
He ONLY got his LAST JOB because SOMEBODY FOUND IT FOR HIM! He's a lazy, entitled, selfish (probably narcissisitic) man-child who is PERFECTLY CONTENT to let you work yourself to death, as long as you never shine the light of REALITY on his little dream-world and demand that he face reality.

It doesn't matter if the house is paid for, HE SHOULD FEEL OBLIGATED to pay his parents some money towards the rent! That's the way ADULTS operate their lives. It wouldn't matter if you DID make enough money to pay all the bills on your own, HE SHOULD FEEL OBLIGATED to pay 1/2 of them because that's the way ADULTS operate their lives.

So, if THIS is the way he has been drifting through life, and if THIS is the way that his parents have been supporting his laziness, his entitledness, his narcissism, then CAN YOU SEE *WHY* threatening to divorce him is NOT going to move him off his lazy entitled azz? Because he *IS* still a boy with mommy & daddy's money backing up his lazy azz. You're just the latest 'high-school girlfriend' to drift in/out of his life.

I just feel...pretty depressed at the thought of trying to find another partner at this age
Pink Lady, you don't NEED another partner! Trust me, your ovaries will not FALL OUT if you live on your own. You might even find you LIKE IT! You spend your money on what you please; you save your money as you like; you spend your time however you please; you are beholden to no-one; and, best of all, you do not feel obligated to drag some lazy full-grown man's azz around and be his 'mommy' because he's too lazy to act like an adult. It's a win/win situation.

Get into some therapy BEFORE you get into another serious relationship. Don't know if you have a 'martyr' complex, a 'savior' complex, or are just co-dependent. FIND OUT. Educate yourself so that YOU are always able to take care of yourself: emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, socially to the BEST of your ability.

After you know *WHY* you choose these types of men, you can FIX yourself and start making BETTER CHOICES from here on out.
 
#22 ·
This is quite typical case you have.First i think you take better advice from your elder once. Tell them to convince your husband.But if he doesn't convince then don't try to compel him more. This will make him more angry and obsessed.So in your case another option you have to consult an astro guru. They provide you better cure regarding your problem.
 
#23 ·
I've so been where you are. My STBXH continues to refuse to work. He's been out of the work force now for so long, there is little he could get. All the jobs I suggested were beneath him. And he was convinced every corporation was evil. He lied, and deceived me for far too long (about a lot of things). Sure he has depression. I had to threaten to file for divorce just to get him to go to an MD. He got treatment, and the depression improved somewhat-but the jackass still won't work.
My advice is to leave. Yes, there is a possibility you could get stuck with support, but he's going to have to explain to a court why he is incapable of working, and that's a lot of trouble for a lazy jerk. I wish I could be more optomistic for your situation.
 
#24 ·
My ex h didn't like to work either. I was the breadwinner in that marriage. He'd go out and spend thousands of dollars of money we didn't have too. Not only that he was unfaithful, controlling and abusive.

I left and a wonderful man found me. Now he's the breadwinner and I stay home to take care of the children.
 
#28 ·
Could be depression...could just be his lazy-azz choice. I know a married couple, both engineers. The H got disgruntled, quit his job, and didn't look for another. That was 20+ years ago. They don't have kids, and she makes good money. She told me he sits around in his PJ's all day, doing whatever. As far as she knows, he has no good reason to not work.
 
#30 ·
What amazes me is that a person like him so completely checks out of life. They don't develop any interests out of the home, no friends, nothing. And then they don't do anything to get out of this.. not even with a spouse trying get them to take care of their issues.:scratchhead:
 
#31 ·
I think this is depressing for the working spouse. How depressing is it to come home to a slug every day! UGH. No way could I stay attracted to my husband if he behaved like this. I'd be making it clear that I wasn't going to tolerate it much longer (maybe 2 or 3 more months tops) and that if things didn't change soon, I would be looking for my own place.
 
#33 ·
The only way she can 'not allow' it is to divorce him.

No one can make a person get a job if they don't want to get a job.

My take on it is that the OP is here because she is trying to gather the insight on whether or not she can do anyting to get him to get a job. And if not the strength to leave him.

Leaving a spouse is a very hard thing to do for most people.
 
#35 ·
I've been in your husband's shoes before, unfortunately. I am an artist, and unless you're an artist down to your soul, it's hard to get us. "Regular" jobs can feel extremely soul sucking, and it can be much more difficult for us to just buckle up and go to work that feels absolutely abysmal. I have so much phucking respect and admiration for people who just get into a "regular" job, make it work, and do what needs to be done. It amazes me, because so much of the "regular" work out there seems like stuff I'd blow my brains out doing for even a week.

I've made the same mistakes he's made. Feeling relieved to be out of the soul suck cycle, but if you stay home too long the hours turn to days, then into weeks, months, and even years. It's extremely easy to get caught up in a stagnant life, all while using your art as the ultimate excuse to do absolutely nothing.

I can tell you that, for me, it wasn't about work. The issues that led me there, and that I still have to fight if I'm not super careful, were much deeper than that. I would incubate and create a world totally removed from reality because, ultimately, I was terrified. I was very good at doing the "regular" job thing, at least that's how it looked from the outside because I was very competent at my jobs, but every single day was miserable. But when you pursue a life trying to make your art a money making reality, it sets you up for rejection, and can make you feel extremely inadequate. So you set up an unfortunate reality where you're repulsed by going back to the "real" world, but terrified to throw yourself totally, and completely, in pursuing the very fickle, very tough life of making Art a living. Some artists just hide, and don't recognize that they are detaching from life, and adding nothing of substance to the people around them.

The difference between your husband, and me, is that I am miserable during those times. Nobody could say anything to me that I didn't tell myself, because I felt like ****. I LOVED working, but I hated working on stuff that made me completely miserable, but was too damn afraid, lost, buried, and insecure to move forward. The idea of never working again was a nightmare. I'd oscillate between years of high productivity, and tons of work, and years of total stagnation. I don't know how it is to get stuck in that cycle and just be happy go lucky about it.

Let me tell you, everyone in my life was super supportive and understanding. First my parents, then my wife. They believed in me, respected me, and I was upfront about the struggles and my issues. So I can't speak from a perspective of someone who had the people in their life offer ultimatums. I left my day job years ago to concentrate on my career with my wife's full blessing and understanding.

When I've hit those times I had to pull myself out. I had to dig deep and get over the issues that were keeping me frozen in place. It's not easy, but it is necessary. And what your husband might not realize is that a life in the arts is even HARDER, and more taxing, than most professions. So if he thrust himself full time into making his art a sustainable financial reality, chances are he would be working even harder, and longer, than he did at the soul suck job.

Let me tell you, as someone who has been on the other side of your problem, you won't ever be able to shock him into reality. He's living on a totally different wave length than "normal" people. And he's lost in his stagnation, and feels totally comfortable, and safe, checking out of the "real world". He gets mad at you because he knows, deep down, he's acting in a totally inappropriate, wrong manner. There is a strong likelihood that he feels like total and complete crap about his life, his lack of movement, his failures as provider. He might know it, and not want to admit to you, or he might be clueless.

Best thing you can do, honest, is move on. These things can take a long time to come together, if they ever do. There are artists and "unconventional" people who get it together, snap out of the stagnancy, and make bold moves. And there are plenty who stay lost, and stuck, for years, and even decades. I've seen it all.

You can't drag him, badger him, ultimatum him into living the responsible, typical, "normal" life. If that's what you need, move on. I know that's easier said than done, but you've got to live your life in the best way you can.
 
#39 · (Edited)
I've been in your husband's shoes before, unfortunately. I am an artist, and unless you're an artist down to your soul, it's hard to get us. "Regular" jobs can feel extremely soul sucking, and it can be much more difficult for us to just buckle up and go to work that feels absolutely abysmal. I have so much phucking respect and admiration for people who just get into a "regular" job, make it work, and do what needs to be done. It amazes me, because so much of the "regular" work out there seems like stuff I'd blow my brains out doing for even a week.

....
You know, I see all of what you said in my husband's situation. His love is writing. He has many almost finished books. He can sit down and write several hundred page novel from start to almost finish without even having to go back and edit or rework. But he cannot finish one.

I think he cannot finish it because that means he has to go sell it. He has no idea how to really do it. It's easy to find things that tell ya how to do this but we all know that more books are turned down a year than are ever published. So he never finished it. And like you say hours turn to weeks, then months then years.

But you see I too have an artistic streak and passions that I can never tap into because he has dumped on me every responsibility that it takes to raise a family, keep a house and pay the bills. Most of use work because we have to, not because we love it. We don’t love it any more than the ‘artistic’ person does… but we make ourselves go. Just like the ‘artistic’ person we can find a lot of other things we’d rather do. But the ‘artistic’ person does not give a rats a$$ about what we need or want. Nope it’s all about them.

If this ‘artistic’ person did not have a spouse to pay their bills and take care of everything for them what would they do? Well most likely get a job so that they can eat. There are many very artistic people who work a day job and do their art evenings and weekends. They are no less artistic than the non-functional ‘artistic’ person.

Instead of living my life the way I want to I get stuck in that job that people like you and him hate. I get no relief, no help, and no consideration. I ended up working 60-80 hours a week to support everyone, him included. To leave everything up to one’s spouse is abuse.

When one spouse decides that they are too ‘artistic’ and too ‘sensitive’ to participate, it’s really a very selfish choice.

Like in the case of the OP and in my case, not only do we have husbands who could care less about the harm they are visiting on the marriage but they really don’t care all that much about our wellbeing either. In their little world, they are focused only on themselves.

And now the spouse who is forced to carry the entire load is left to make the painful decision to end a marriage with someone they married because of love.
 
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