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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My son is a freshman in high school and asked if he could join track. He never participated in school sports before this because my H wouldn't allow it. My H finally agreed to let him run track. Now that practice has started, we found out there is practice every day after school. That means one of us has to pick him up from school after work (he normally rides the bus home). His school is about 15-20 min drive from work and another 20 min drive home. Today our son started telling us about the scheduled meets he'll have to attend.

My H starts in on his "poor me" drama routine, saying how his life has been turned upside down and he had NO IDEA how much this would involve. He sat with his head in his hands lamenting how much of a hardship this is and starts saying maybe he should just quit school (he's taking an online course and seems to have plenty of time to procrastinate doing that). He's throwing out passive aggressive comments to me basically implying that I'm being lazy by not asking a million questions about the schedule, etc.

Then he turned on a dime and starts getting mad at me for not scheduling to turn my car in which has its lease ending in 7 weeks. And what did I buy at he store that costed THAT much (he saw a pending charge online in our checking account from the grocery store)? And he's, and I quote, "fresh out of dead parents" to give him an inheritance so I should keep that in mind (I don't splurge on things...just groceries and things my son needs and oh! a birthday present for my H!! Also, I make more money than he does.) The conversation became so convoluted I just wanted to run away. But instead he decided to go to bed early...this is a common passive aggressive thing he does to make a point that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore so he goes to bed.

Getting back to my son and track, I believe my H cannot stand for anyone else's schedule or needs to be prioritized over his own. So he's being a big dramatic baby about the whole thing. I told my son in private that I didn't want his dad's dramatic behavior to discourage him from participating in track. How do I handle my H when he acts like this? I seriously want to say "You know, if our existence is so much of a burden to you, maybe it would be better if we left ."
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Tell your husband he's not being a man, and because of that you find him sexually unappealing. Tell him that if he behaved like a real man and actively engaged with your son in competitive pursuits, then it would be a huge turn on and he'd get more sex.

Men are simple creatures. Feed the ego, spell out the path to manhood, and reward him with hot sex when he complies.
 

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How I'd "handle him" is to not handle him at all. I almost wanted to laugh as I read your post because it reminds me so much of my middle daughter. If she gets mad at something, she'll go into a series of getting mad at everything else that happens for the rest of the day.

I once called her on it when she was in a calm moment. I told her that I'd noticed she would get mad at the whole world when one thing went wrong, and I gave examples. She recognized it, and after that conversation, when I saw it happening, I would tell her to go walk around the cotton field next door until she felt better, but you can't do that with your husband, I imagine. After she moved out, I would simply let her vent and say, "You know you'll feel better soon. You're mad at all this other stuff because XYZ upset you earlier." This often helped her calm down.

I don't know if this would work well with a spouse, because he might feel you're being condescending, but if you can be sensitive to it and shrug it off as just being the way he copes with frustrations, it may be easier on you to get through the 24-48 hours of his tantrum.
 

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Your husband is broken and because I've been where he is I can relate. Unfortunately. With all my mental issues there was a time when just the thought of having to add that much extra to my day would have made me nuts. I'm easily overwhelmed and don't deal well when things are dropped on me like that. Remember I'm BPD like your husband is.

And when he got overwhelmed his mind began to race and that's when he started with every other little thing that was bothering him. It's like one negative thought triggers another and another and another until he can't take it anymore. HIS only relief is to go to sleep. It's likely the only time his brain has any type of peace.

That said yes your husband is being a big baby about but I don't think he can help it.

I still think you should leave or at the very least separate while you heal from your codependency.

Hugs.
 

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Your husband is being a complete jerk. It sounds like he is putting his own needs before the family, especially your son. I have always said that sports of any kind is great for kids. They need it! I would tell him to such it up and deal with it. You only have a few short years left of him being at home. Soon enough he will be gone. I would support your son with the positive things he tries to do.

Just a thought, could your son carpool with someone?
 

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What is your husband's self centered behavior doing to your son? A young man needs to feel the approval from his father, but apparently that's not going to happen since his father only cares about his own comfort. Seriously, put a dress and Edwardian wig on the man and he'd be Mrs. Bennett!

Good luck to you but mostly to your son.
 

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Okay, sounds like your husband is completely emotionally immature.

This is my theory, though it may be a stretch:

I'm relating it to this: Did you know that once a person has a baby, if the parent has any deep down buried feelings surrounding their own childhood and parents, those feelings will bubble up, often uncontrollably, and with a vengeance. These emotions can make people act in crazy ways. That's where emotional maturity comes in to play, it helps you recognize your REAL feelings and appropriately take care of them.

I'm guessing your husband has something suppressed deep down about sports (as you say, he's NEVER been okay with them). He may have had something traumatic happen to him, or had his parents treat him poorly about them; I don't know, but you can find out.

Now that his son is playing sports, he's experiencing those emotions bubbling up in a big way, being emotionally immature, he's not recognizing those feelings, and he's acting out in various silly ways.

Also, the "bubbling up of emotions" happens to anyone who has suppressed feelings about almost anything in life. Once they experience something similar much later that hits close to home, the emotions rise up in an intense way.

Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry for your difficulties :)
 

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While I am not for the extremes that some parents do to have their kids activities their entire life I have to say that to me my son or daughter entering High School is preparing for their life when they leave home.

I had daughters and I supported them playing softball from when they were five well into High School drill team and so on. Also they both played the violin.

Trust me I worked extreme hours but these things are important in my opinion.

A father who has a son who want to join a sport I feel is obligated to help him with this. During these years is when a boy turns into a man physically and is chock full of hormones. Having a healthy engagement in a sport helpd him, physically, mentally and emotionally. He developes confidence and a work ethic. he can develop many skills that will suit him well as an adult. Like never giving up.

I have a daugter who teaches High School. I have adopted the High School where she teaches and go to every football game I can. Yes i live in Texas and football is a religion but I will tell you that watching the games feeds my soul. I find it uplifting. Puts things into perspective for me.

A young man who can balance his studies and participate in a sport has a big edge on others.

I think it is selfish not to support your children within reason in these things.

I suggest you sit your husband down and tell him you want your son to have this and they you need him to help you make this happen and you would even hope that he would do this in a loving enthusiastic manner.

What a wonderful thing it is for a father to support his son and help him to prepare to be a man. We need to give kids more than our financial support. Time matters.
 

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Let your pansy husband do nothing and enjoy your sons athletic activity with him. Do not do anything to dissuade your son from participating. He will never forget it and always resent it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
...there was a time when just the thought of having to add that much extra to my day would have made me nuts. I'm easily overwhelmed and don't deal well when things are dropped on me like that...
Mavash you are spot on. In fact, the part I bolded is EXACTLY what he says whenever something comes up unexpectedly. For example, if my son asks if he could be taken to the movie theater to meet his friends, even if it's with 2-3 days notice, my H gets so uptight and starts asking a million questions and says he can't handle these "last minute things" getting dropped on him. Sometimes I have to remind him that no one is dying here.

He is very easily overwhelmed just by normal everyday things. This is a lot of what triggered my codependent behavior early in our marriage...he's too overwhelmed, so I'll make that phone call, I'll check on his mom for him, I'll get the groceries, I'll decline an invitation to a family get-together. I always thought I was helping him. Now I realize I have only enabled him to expect us to live our lives in fear of creating more anxiety for him.
 

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My son is a freshman in high school and asked if he could join track. He never participated in school sports before this because my H wouldn't allow it. My H finally agreed to let him run track. Now that practice has started, we found out there is practice every day after school. That means one of us has to pick him up from school after work (he normally rides the bus home). His school is about 15-20 min drive from work and another 20 min drive home. Today our son started telling us about the scheduled meets he'll have to attend.
What weird town do you live in? When I attended school, the buses stopped running at 9pm.


My H starts in on his "poor me" drama routine, saying how his life has been turned upside down and he had NO IDEA how much this would involve. He sat with his head in his hands lamenting how much of a hardship this is and starts saying maybe he should just quit school (he's taking an online course and seems to have plenty of time to procrastinate doing that). He's throwing out passive aggressive comments to me basically implying that I'm being lazy by not asking a million questions about the schedule, etc.
He doesn't seem to care much about your son. Is this his son as well? Maybe you should divorce this guy and find a man (or woman) who wants to be a father.


Then he turned on a dime and starts getting mad at me for not scheduling to turn my car in which has its lease ending in 7 weeks. And what did I buy at he store that costed THAT much (he saw a pending charge online in our checking account from the grocery store)? And he's, and I quote, "fresh out of dead parents" to give him an inheritance so I should keep that in mind
Ask if his sisters and brothers included him in their wills, then suggest he kill his siblings. It's not overly far fetched. My work requires that I have death insurance, so I listed my brother as the beneficiary.

I told my son in private that I didn't want his dad's dramatic behavior to discourage him from participating in track.
Do the exact opposite. Get VERY involved in his track stuff and make it some kind of bonding activity between you and your son. Your husband will feel left out and he might kill himself to deal with the loneliness. He may have listed you as his death insurance beneficiary.
 

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I always thought I was helping him. Now I realize I have only enabled him to expect us to live our lives in fear of creating more anxiety for him.
Yes to your whole post. What helped me to heal was quite frankly my husband did NOT enable me. Nope not one bit. No he wasn't some brilliant psychologist he just flat out didn't have the time to deal with me so he didn't. He went on about his life as best as he could married to me and let the chips fall where they may aka he let me deal with my anxiety and I hit rock bottom. I'm just grateful he did this BEFORE we had kids. I can't even imagine what type of parent I would have been had I not gotten help first.
 

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Re: Re: Husband throwing a fit about our son playing in a sport

Tell your husband he's not being a man, and because of that you find him sexually unappealing. Tell him that if he behaved like a real man and actively engaged with your son in competitive pursuits, then it would be a huge turn on and he'd get more sex.

Men are simple creatures. Feed the ego, spell out the path to manhood, and reward him with hot sex when he complies.
This is the worst advice I've ever seen.
 

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This is pretty ridiculous. There are plenty transportation alternatives if you look for them, carpools, city bus, etc. Is his objection really the tome constraint on him or something else? I'd just make it happen.
 

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Hell I can't imagine if I was in my teens and my mates went "hey, let's have a game of soccer after school", and I had to reply "I can't, my dad won't let me"

WTF! Seriously =/
 

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My son is a freshman in high school and asked if he could join track. He never participated in school sports before this because my H wouldn't allow it.
Too bad we couldn't mix your husband and mine up in a big vat and even them out! My husband and I had a big argument recently about sports where he was (negatively) comparing our kids to his sister's who do sports every season all year round. We have 8 kids and are just as far from the school as you. You can imagine the complications... There have been days I drove 150 miles chauffering them places. I limit them to one team sport annually in the same season and they can do something like dancing or snowboarding seasonally or year round if its only once a week.

We do carpooling with other families when possible but there are not always many or any in our remote area in the same sport.

Just wondering if your husband may be like mine in that the whole "son in sports" thing is triggering him regarding some of his own unresolved childhood baggage? Kathy Batesel's 5 why's helped me with my husband to get to the feeling and then to suggest that he was making his son (the "worthless wuz" one) feel the same way his daddy made him feel (rejection).
 

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Make sure your son get's his learner's permit as soon as your state allows and get a cheap car for him to use. My kids senior years were always jam packed with activities (since they could drive themselves).
 

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I told my son in private that I didn't want his dad's dramatic behavior to discourage him from participating in track. How do I handle my H when he acts like this?
I think you've gotten solid advice in this thread, so I have nothing to add except that the bolded was awesome. Keep the encouragement up. Teenagers need this kind of support from their parents, and even though you are the only one cheerleading he'll appreciate it.
 
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