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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

First time in here..I don't know what to do about my Marriage. My husband cheated on me once and we went to counseling for a short time afterwards. He didn't want to keep going and we ended up stopping our therapy. I needed to keep going and i wish we still were going. We have been married for 4 years and he constantly is talking with his " female friends". I still don't completely trust him and I don't know how to.

I went through his messenger account and phone and found 4-5 different women he talks to. They say to him God i wanna F**ck you so bad. He goes with it.

He says to them, " but do you think its possible after you being with someone for so long that kinda start to annoy you...ya love'em but they annoy an make ya think what life would be like without them...lmao


those were his words. I am an easy going person, we used to get along. We've been together for 8 years. I think i should get a divorce but i have no where to go, i'm a college student and i can't move back home.

I'm so lost, I can't take the lies anymore. He has a picture of a naked girl on the background of his phone and i ask him to remove it but he doesn't. We are married, who does that? he has his sports illustrated calendars up in our bedroom. He's stubborn, impossible to argue and communicate with.

Help :(
 

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Who does that?
An entitled cheater. You best believe it's physical. He treats you like a piece of furniture he can push around.

You will always find a reason you can't leave. YOU don't have to leave just yet. Go to the leagal aid office in you college and see if they can help you start a divorce. He will need to give you some support until you can make it on your own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you. Unfortunately he is unemployed and I work and pay for everything right now. He was in the army for 3 years, deployed and came back and never found a decent job afterwards. He just applied to lapd last week.

I'll talk to legal aid at my campus. That's a good idea. thank you for that.

I just don't understand why he keeps doing it, we almost got divorced the first time around.. I asked him if that's what he wanted and he said no. maybe he didn't want to say yes to getting a divorce to my face. I don't know. he said if that's what he wanted he would say so.

From his comment above its seems that's what he wants. But he he says differently. Maybe I'm understanding wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
What makes him an entitled cheater? Me not standing my ground enough?

My not speaking up enough. what entitles him, why
 

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Since you pay for everything already then he leaves. Tell him you want him gone. You can't leagally force him to leave but you can *demand* and see if he will leave.

I'm sure he is having some form of PTSD due to deployment. Suggest he go to a VA hospital for help. Right now, he's not in a "marriage" frame of mind and it will probably take years for him to heal. Staying with him will not be helpful to him no matter what you do.

But staying with him will make you feel like you're going insane.
 

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What makes him an entitled cheater? Me not standing my ground enough?

My not speaking up enough. what entitles him, why

I don't know WHY he feels entitled. But he ACTS like he is entitled because he just doesn't care what you think. If he wasn't this way before deployment, then I suspect PTSD. I saw that in some of my fellow returning Viet Nam vets.

War can make some people say "f it I'll do what I want from now on". I don't know if that is the reason but I wouldn't be surprised.
 

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Hi,

First time in here..I don't know what to do about my Marriage. My husband cheated on me once and we went to counseling for a short time afterwards. He didn't want to keep going and we ended up stopping our therapy. I needed to keep going and i wish we still were going. We have been married for 4 years and he constantly is talking with his " female friends". I still don't completely trust him and I don't know how to.

I went through his messenger account and phone and found 4-5 different women he talks to. They say to him God i wanna F**ck you so bad. He goes with it.

He says to them, " but do you think its possible after you being with someone for so long that kinda start to annoy you...ya love'em but they annoy an make ya think what life would be like without them...lmao


those were his words. I am an easy going person, we used to get along. We've been together for 8 years. I think i should get a divorce but i have no where to go, i'm a college student and i can't move back home.

I'm so lost, I can't take the lies anymore. He has a picture of a naked girl on the background of his phone and i ask him to remove it but he doesn't. We are married, who does that? he has his sports illustrated calendars up in our bedroom. He's stubborn, impossible to argue and communicate with.

Help :(
It sounds to me like your husband got used to the swinging-****, testosterone-filled lifestyle of a grunt and never really "came back". Where was he deployed? If he did his tour overseas, it certainly wouldn't shock me if he got a taste for something on the side over there. Especially if it was a mixed combat unit; friends that served at FOBs in Iraq told me that after combat ops, the adrenaline would be running so high that the barracks would sometimes resemble something out of Caligula. Also, you mentioned that his stint in the service was for three years. As the standard deployment period is 15 months, that's more than two deployments but less that three. Did he section out for something or get a DD?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I do feel like i am going insane! wow. I hate the person i've become.

Our conselor concluded in our sessions that he has a mild case of PTSD. He definitly isn't in a marriage frame of mind at all. All his friends are single guys that constantly go to strip clubs and live their single lives and of course, being his friends, they invite him along and they don't treat him like he's married.

But back to the point - Since we are tight on cash, we live in our friends condo and their are two other guys that live with us. two bedrooms. Our side and their side kind of situation. So i really don't even want to stay where i am living.

I don't want to be divorced. I don't think i want to be his wife anymore either. I feel humiliated.

I could just file for the divorce, and just search for a place to stay.
Doing that and working and going to school and studying full time seem's like a lot of time i don't have until summer. But i can't keep putting this off like its a run to the grocery store.

thank you for the advice.
 

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Talk to your advisor at school. Let them know what's going on maybe they can help.

Go to the dean of your college, and the financial aid officer. There are many resources available to you at the college. See if you can become a dorm monitor to get your housing. Are you on work-study? PEL grant?

There's help available. Use it. And you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrased about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Not a lot of details to go on, but...

You say that you are "an easy going person" but, come on, this guy is not the person you want to stay married to. There is easy going and then there is door mat.

He is showing complete disrespect. This will not get better and your situation will not improve if you stay with him.

You do not give your age but I am guessing that you are in your 20s. You are young. If you have been together for eight years then I can understand that he is a huge part of your emotional world.

But remember, YOU ARE YOUNG. You do not want or deserve to be in an unhappy relationship.

You can do better.

Do you have friends that you trust and can talk to?

Hi There-

Yes I am in my 20's. I don't like to talk to my sisters about this anymore because the moment we go over to see them he gets evil glares and its just a horrible time. No, not many people to talk to about this.

I used to consider myself a strong woman, but i think doormat right now is appropriate. Which makes me Furious to think that's what i've become.

I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship anymore, leaving just seems to be the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But i should just do it. Is it horrible that sometimes i wish he would just be the one to say He doesn't want to be with me anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Talk to your advisor at school. Let them know what's going on maybe they can help.

Go to the dean of your college, and the financial aid officer. There are many resources available to you at the college. See if you can become a dorm monitor to get your housing. Are you on work-study? PEL grant?

There's help available. Use it. And you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrased about.


I appreciate the tips, those are very helpful. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not in any work-study programs but i definitely can be. I receive financial aid - However, I'm not left with a whole lot to use after tuition. Not anywhere close to live off of for the whole semester. But I make some money working. Housing is already close to $900 a month. I can't make that on my own- but i'll look into it some more - dorm monitor etc.

Thank you so much. It feels good to actually talk about this with people. I can see outside the box from different perspectives and advice.
 

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Could you find some kind of room for rent situation? That might be a lot cheaper and right work out for you. Or house about an efficiency apartment?
 

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I appreciate the tips, those are very helpful. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not in any work-study programs but i definitely can be. I receive financial aid - However, I'm not left with a whole lot to use after tuition. Not anywhere close to live off of for the whole semester. But I make some money working. Housing is already close to $900 a month. I can't make that on my own- but i'll look into it some more - dorm monitor etc.

Thank you so much. It feels good to actually talk about this with people. I can see outside the box from different perspectives and advice.
Tell your instructors you are going through a crisis - especially if your grades are suffering. At least they'll know why. Look at the BBs at the student union for roommate sitchs.

Please follow up with the dean. Some colleges have reserve grant money available for hardship situations. You can do this. Start tomorrow.

Good luck!
 

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I do feel like i am going insane! wow. I hate the person i've become.

Our conselor concluded in our sessions that he has a mild case of PTSD. He definitly isn't in a marriage frame of mind at all. All his friends are single guys that constantly go to strip clubs and live their single lives and of course, being his friends, they invite him along and they don't treat him like he's married.

But back to the point - Since we are tight on cash, we live in our friends condo and their are two other guys that live with us. two bedrooms. Our side and their side kind of situation. So i really don't even want to stay where i am living.

I don't want to be divorced. I don't think i want to be his wife anymore either. I feel humiliated.

I could just file for the divorce, and just search for a place to stay.
Doing that and working and going to school and studying full time seem's like a lot of time i don't have until summer. But i can't keep putting this off like its a run to the grocery store.

thank you for the advice.
Since you are paying for everything and the only one working then I would try to find something small that you can afford, maybe another room mate situation that you can be happier with. I wouldnt mention it to him at all I would just be gone one day when I got it all arranged and be gone!
 

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Hi There-

Yes I am in my 20's. I don't like to talk to my sisters about this anymore because the moment we go over to see them he gets evil glares and its just a horrible time. No, not many people to talk to about this.

I used to consider myself a strong woman, but i think doormat right now is appropriate. Which makes me Furious to think that's what i've become.

I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship anymore, leaving just seems to be the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But i should just do it. Is it horrible that sometimes i wish he would just be the one to say He doesn't want to be with me anymore.
Is it possible that the "evil glares" from your sisters indicate that they love you and support you and find his behavior offensive on your behalf? If so, then it appears that you can count on your sisters should you decide to leave, and may need their help after all.

OW are poison to a marriage. So long as this continues, you will always be in a defensive position, protecting your marriage from the influence of the OW. You don't deserve this, nor do you need to accept this behavior from him. He will continue to use you (your money, your status) for his own personal needs. You need to pull the rug right out from under him.

If you decide that you cannot live like this anymore, and truly want resolution, then talk to your sisters. Lean on them. Trust them. Whether you stay in this marriage or you find the strength to leave, you will always have your sisters on your side.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Since you are paying for everything and the only one working then I would try to find something small that you can afford, maybe another room mate situation that you can be happier with. I wouldnt mention it to him at all I would just be gone one day when I got it all arranged and be gone!
That would make life easier to leave without saying anything. I have so much stuff it would be hard to do in one day. but it's not impossible. I want him to know how much he has hurt me, but everytime i try i cannot find the right words to make him understand. Its incredibly frustrating. Just speak my mind! well he always has some ridiculous comeback to throw back at me.

Maybe i should just pick up my things and leave. Maybe thats says everything that i haven't been able to say.

I haven't even told him i found all these conversations. Because i'm not sure what my next move is. He may suspect something because i haven't been the nicest person to him due to the fact that i'm pissed off at him and I don't think he even wants to be with me anymore. Neither of us has the courage to stand up and leave.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Is it possible that the "evil glares" from your sisters indicate that they love you and support you and find his behavior offensive on your behalf? If so, then it appears that you can count on your sisters should you decide to leave, and may need their help after all.

OW are poison to a marriage. So long as this continues, you will always be in a defensive position, protecting your marriage from the influence of the OW. You don't deserve this, nor do you need to accept this behavior from him. He will continue to use you (your money, your status) for his own personal needs. You need to pull the rug right out from under him.

If you decide that you cannot live like this anymore, and truly want resolution, then talk to your sisters. Lean on them. Trust them. Whether you stay in this marriage or you find the strength to leave, you will always have your sisters on your side.
Yes that is definitely the reason they give him evil glares. I don't blame them for it either. I'm trying to find the strength to leave. Its sounds so easy just to walk away. I know it's not the end of the world, but the pain that i'm going to have to endure seems so enormous and overwhelming its hard to find the strength to leave. Dealing with my family, telling everyone, its such a huge ordeal, i wish it could be a private thing. I watched my mother go through a divorce and it seemed so awful. She suffered so much.

Ahh! yes, i should lean on my sisters - they have always been there for me.

thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I find it hard to move on from a situation like this without understanding why it's happened. I'm sure a lot of people ask themselves after being cheated on was it me, what did i do? And sometimes its nothing the other person did.

But i can't help to ask those same questions. I don't do this to him. Even though i know he is doing it to me. I don't have an interest or urge or need tp go behind his back and talking dirty with other men, asking for pictures etc. I wanted to be married to him and still do. ( well, not so much anymore - i wish i wasn't in this situation. ) but.. Why does he consistenly do it. I can't tell you how many times we have had the same argument over the same Sh*t.


I guess men and women are wired differently. I just don't get it! I have this horrible urge for an understanding of the situtation. Why is he doing this to me - does he not care after 8 years? Maybe that's not it. How can you do that to someone you "love" . It bothers me to the core of my body and I try to tell myself - this isn't something i can understand, because i will never know the truth with him. Maybe he is sick of me. What is it? we talked about it in counseling his answer was always, " I don't know. "

Our counselor told me it was because of his PTSD attitude towards life. His whole, You don't know if you will live tomorrow, so live as if you'll die today attitude.

Honestly, I understand what going to war and being iraq can do to a person. I get it. Not saying i know what it's like to deploy but, i understand the hardships a person can go through when they get back to civilian life.

But it doesn't justify his cheating. it doesn't justify his talking to women. It doesn't make it Okay to do. And he is perfectly aware of what he is doing. He knows that. So why. i just constantly find these questions stirring in my head and i contually go in cirlces driving myself crazy. I want to accept what is done and move on. But I can't seem to let it go.
 

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Our counselor told me it was because of his PTSD attitude towards life. His whole, You don't know if you will live tomorrow, so live as if you'll die today attitude.
It's nothing you are doing or have done. It's this^^^^^
It's insidious and not easy to overcome. While he is in this condition he will bring much pain to the people around him - and to himself. But he won't heal until he has seen the total destruction he has caused. Get out of the way of the wrecking ball.

PTSD doesn't do all this all the time - but this is what it does in his case.

Ohhhh, and women can be just as cruel, if not moreso than men.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
As far as i know, He hasn't physically cheated on me since the last time. Which was now a year ago. But i still find his texts to other woman that are inappropriate : more specifically something along these lines of this in his phone:

He wants to F**K this girl so bad - a note he wrote on his phone about a "friend" of his he talks to. I knew he talked to her, but of course it as usual with him - never is just friends. This is the argument we have over and over again.

he got a Stripper Or dancers phone number from one of his Guys Nights out and has been talking to her a lot. He gave her money to help her out cuz she is struggling financially and she wanted to move to vegas with her family because she doesn't want to dance anymore. That made me angry becaue he gave her $300 when we are struggling financially. but he is all about being there for other people- his " i'll always be there for you" , " you can always talk to me" crap.

This is all from his phone i recently found.
So this is what i want to get divorced over? I feel like im being played for a fool - that this will never stop. and even though he may not be physically cheating right now. he is still talking and flirting and asking for pictures from these women. I guess i have this string of hope that we can reconcile our marriage but i get to thinking that i'm the only one who thinks that and i need to wake up and stand up for myself. Because it won't ever stop. Has anyone else been through this? The main conclusion i've come to - like my 1st post - is just get the divorce. There is no fixing this anymore. I've tried and failed and there's not much else i can do at this point besides become this crazy controlling insecure wife that breathes down his neck. I don't want to be that woman. I'm not that person. Why does it have to be this way. why can't he just NOT talk to other women! why is it so hard. :(
 
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