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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

New here...to make a long story short, I have been dealing with my husband's (primarily emotional) affair for about one year now. It has not been easy, but iwe are really trying every option before we give up.

My problem/question is : my husband still works with this woman. I really don't see how I can get over this and move on when I know that they still see eachother every day. Even though he (and she too) swears its over and that they made a huge stupid mistake, of course I still have my doubts.

I have run the gamet trying to understand/live with this fact. I have been patient hoping that things would change, not making rash decisions while we focused on repairing our marriage, seeing if she quit, etc...At one point, i even insisted he keep it because i didn't want to run away from anything. I want/ed our marriage to be tested and to be able to stand up to anything. But i'm not sure that this is really logical. Just the mention of her name/seeing it on an email/etc returns me to a place of rage and hurt. I feel that it is standing in the way of me recovering/getting over it.

At first we agreed that he shouldn't quit his job until we figured out an alternate plan. He is very successful, has worked his way up in this company from the ground up and is the primary income in our household. However, I know that aside from this affair, his job gives him great self confidence, maturity, and that he is very good at it. I also recognize that because he is so high up, it would appear strange to new employers and it would be very difficult for him to find another job at the same level (we think - i mean, who can say, right?) The bigger point is, would we be trading one set of problems in for another he would surely be depressed, sad, mad if he has to start over somewhere else and this would surely affect our marriage as well.

I'm trying to be fair about it, i've been very patient, but I don't think i can live with it. Its too painful and moreover, I feel that if he really wanted us to work he would do whatever it takes/find an alternative.

Can anyone offer any words of advice? It seems that its either him making a great sacrifice (leaving his job) or me (dealing with him keeping it) but maybe there is another perspective?

thank you.
 

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My situation is almost a carbon copy and I am lost as well. I do not want leave her but can not stand for this to happen again.
I was saying emotional affair last year but came to find out there was much more. It is hard to believe how somone who says they love you can lie in such a horrible manner to protect themselves or thier situation. Good luck and I hope you find happiness agin soon. I will let you know if I find anything that help me cope with the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Draconis - thats an interesting way of looking at it.

I often think i am "too damaged" and that nothing will make me happy/forget...but i want to explore every chance before i declare that.

I have forgiven him - otherwise we would not be working on it. I really try to be fair about his needs. It would be easy to say that it should "all be about me" because i was the one who was betrayed. But i understand that something was going on with him that led him away from "us" and i understand that in order for us to work, i have to give him the opportunity to rebuild (himself and us) and feel good about himself again.

But does it sound (to an outside opinion or someone that has gone through this?) that HE really wants it to work if he hasn't/won't quit his job? Am i being stupid/blind?

Maybe its as simple as you've put it.
 

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Let's face it it might be a few things.

1) He is afraid that if he gives up his job then loses you he has lost everything.

2) He might not ever get the opportunities he once did.

3) He might be naive to how much his job is straining the relationship.

4) He could be going on your first choice that he not run away and is sticking it out and providing a good income.

5) He might think that if he leaves and your income changes that you will want to change your mind again without the option to switch back.

6) It may be that it will be more shameful for him because for those that didn't know they might find out (hurting his pride.)

So it could be several reasons why he might not want to do it. If you really want to give it another try have a once a day talk session of no less then an hour. No yelling at all, just talking about the "us" you want and how each of you are doing and how your days have been.

Communication is the key to fixing this problem.

draconis
 

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Personally I feel that an emotional affair is worse than a physical one. I can see where you are coming from in that with him still working their and her name coming up from time to time I would imagine that it would be hard to move on. Could he maybe attempt to find another job and just see what is out there? I mean he might find something close to what he has now. I don't mean this to be mean but to be honest he should have thought about this before he had the affair. If the roles were reversed do you think that he would be comfortable with you still working with this person you had an affair with? Good luck to you both. I hope it works out.
 
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