Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Does anyone else experience this? My husband works 40 hrs a week M-F and drives an hour and 15 min to work and back. The days I am home from work the moment he comes home around 6 he turns the computer on. Most of the time, he will leave the computer to eat dinner, but he eats within 5 mins and then returns back to the game. On the weekdays he will stay on until just about bed time, which could be anywhere between midnight and 1am. Sometimes he'll end up going to sleep after dinner and then wakes up around 11 and plays his game until 1 or 2 am. On the weekends, I'll go to bed alone and he stays up all night and plays until 5 or 6 in the morning. He has been playing this game for 3 years now, but within the last few months he has been staying on overnight while I sleep. I talked to him about it a long time ago and he said he plays the game to get his mind off work. I understand he is stressed out but I am now feeling really lonely and I have expressed my feelings to him recently. We have also recently moved into a house after living 3 years with his parents in our 6 years of marriage. To me, our sex lives should be more active than it use to be, but it's not and possibly even less! Maybe 2 or 3 times a month now? He doesn't help out around the house unless I tell him to do something, which I hate doing, but lately my health hasn't been too great and I fall behind on dishes and clothes. Cars haven't been washed or cleaned in forever. Garbage has been sitting by the front door for the past 3 days and that's usually how long it sits there until he throws it in the community trash. He never does anything and his excuse is that he works more than I do. I work 30 hrs a week and usually work Saturday and Sunday including other days during the week and I feel when I come home all I do is clean up after him in his little corner where his computer is...dishes...socks...beer bottles...trash...SO ANNOYING! The kitchen/trash is not even 10 steps away. I fix his lunches and iron his clothes. His game has no pause button and he wears headphones to talk to people. If I have a question or think about something funny to tell him that happen during my day he usually doesn't hear me at all speak to him or I have to repeat it 2 or 3 times. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a wall. I've asked him to make one night during the week just for me and that only lasted 2 weeks. We haven't gone out anywhere in a long time. He does go with me for our bi-weekly grocery trip and considers that time out with me. We are trying to save money, but there is a lot of free things to do or even go out for a dinner every now and then. I hate being the one to always come up with things to do. He never can plan anything. Within the past 2 weeks he promised not to stay on the game all night when I come home from work and he just goes and lays on the couch but then he falls asleep in less than a min. Honestly, I don't feel connected anymore. For the longest time I use to cry about it because it made me so mad. Overtime hate started to form and now I have no feelings. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him and he acts like he understands, but his actions don't show it. Sometimes, if I bring up that he's on too much he gets very angry and bangs the desk. One time he broke the desk. Another time he broke his head phones cause he threw them. I just don't know what to do or say to him anymore...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
130 Posts
I'm going to answer this directly presuming he wasn't always like this. Your husband has disconnected from you emotionally because there were a few times he tried to tell you how important something was to him, you totally overlooked its importance to him because it challenged either something you wanted or your tightly held notions of gender roles in your marriage. You played power games with him and you won and get to rule the roost. Unfortunately for you, your hubby has no incentive to listen to you telling him how you feel because you already backed up the Acura and ran over the shredded remains of his ego.

On a positive note the fact you are here and not doing what most others do raises the chances of marital success from maybe 20% before to a sanguine 75% now. Truly I commend you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
130 Posts
Btw me 43, wife 37, married 16 years, can relate to your husband 100%. I bet you have no idea why you are not happy doing everything you are supposed to and all your friends tell you you are such a great wife. I also bet that you don't have enough appendages to count all of the white lies between the 2 of you.

You guys need real couples counseling. Look up Sue Johnson Emotionally Focused Therapy and John Gottman 7 secrets to making marriage work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
130 Posts
You have a lot of work to do that can't be fixed with date night. Your post shows that you "judge" the problem in your marriage to be caused by your husband. Hopefully you are smart enough to do the work necessary to discover if what I am saying has any truth. It will challenge your core beliefs but off you value family life with equal partners you will take the harder steps requiring personal growth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
These games are very addicting, I am in my 40s, my friend told me to play one of those mmorpg games and it will get my mind off a break up i was going thru 5 years ago, I have always enjoyed games, puzzles etc... Well, I can't believe how addicted I got, I met friends of all age groups, AND I met my husband there!

He was going thru a divorce and it was suggested to him to buy this particular game, it will take his mind off the stress he was going thru. He helped me with some quest I was doing, he said a few words, we started playing together and as a lot of you may be familiar with when you are chatting on line you can get to know eachother on such a different level than say your typical dating scenario in "real life".

I will leave it at that for now, but was just curious the game he is on.

Sorry I realize I haven't given any advice, I have a lot to say actually, but will wait to see a few more of your responses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
I'm going to answer this directly presuming he wasn't always like this. Your husband has disconnected from you emotionally because there were a few times he tried to tell you how important something was to him, you totally overlooked its importance to him because it challenged either something you wanted or your tightly held notions of gender roles in your marriage. You played power games with him and you won and get to rule the roost. Unfortunately for you, your hubby has no incentive to listen to you telling him how you feel because you already backed up the Acura and ran over the shredded remains of his ego.

On a positive note the fact you are here and not doing what most others do raises the chances of marital success from maybe 20% before to a sanguine 75% now. Truly I commend you!
Dude, no offense but this is response is callous and way off the mark. No need to project your own problems onto what the OP is experiencing, at least not without more historical background.

I'm a man and i almost always stick up for other men when appropriate, and yes, I even play a little Call of Duty from time to time, but I would never put a video game before the woman in my life.

The OP's husband is not being a man. He's not being a leader and his behavior demonstrates a distinct lack of courage. He's behaving like a child and engaging in fantasy escapism. That's not a solution to the problems of real life, like the problems that are occurring in his marriage, the ones he's suppose to be solving.

OP, tell your husband you love him and you want your marriage to work. Dont be a nag. Set healthy reasonable boundaries when it comes to the video game. If the boundaries are broken make sure there are definite consequences. Continue to communicate. Get into therapy if necessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
130 Posts
Dude, no offense but this is response is callous and way off the mark. No need to project your own problems onto what the OP is experiencing, at least not without more historical background.

I'm a man and i almost always stick up for other men when appropriate, and yes, I even play a little Call of Duty from time to time, but I would never put a video game before the woman in my life.

The OP's husband is not being a man. He's not being a leader and his behavior demonstrates a distinct lack of courage. He's behaving like a child and engaging in fantasy escapism. That's not a solution to the problems of real life, like the problems that are occurring in his marriage, the ones he's suppose to be solving.

OP, tell your husband you love him and you want your marriage to work. Dont be a nag. Set healthy reasonable boundaries when it comes to the video game. If the boundaries are broken make sure there are definite consequences. Continue to communicate. Get into therapy if necessary.
people often try to cure the symptoms not the problem. You can setup whatever boundaries you think but they will come down in two Weeks.

Didn't OP basically state she did already what you suggested? He is not putting a video game over his wife. He may have become engulfed in the life and is making new friend but what's relevant is the extent of disconnection he has embraced. This level of disconnection underscores a deep problem between them which OP is not yet aware of her part.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
Oh my god.. Its like reading my own life. Except now after several years he's stopped neglecting me and the kids.

Mine started spending a lot of time with a certain female player. Had her on all his game lists. I got jealous and made him remove her recently (Thats what brought me to TAM). He was very adamant about NOT removing her, but since he did remove her he hasn't tried to contact her. (Thank goodness) and that was about a month ago. So maybe my jealousy was unfounded. Maybe it wasn't.

He was spending more time on those games with that girl than he was spending with me. if I sleep in the kids draw all over the walls and floor. It's infuriating.

Right before I told him to stop talking to this girl though I told him it was her or me. I told him I don't want to get married anymore because I wasn't sure where his loyalties lay. He cried when he had to remove her. I'm getting angry again thinking about it.

I met my boyfriend online. He had a real life girlfriend at the time. As soon as she dumped him, I grew closer to him.. Then I flew up to meet him. Being here at TAM has made me realize that I was the catalyst in their relationship even though to this day he says their relationship was long over. He said she disgusted him as a person because she used to talk about marrying a rich guy and drifting through life easily... Which she did a few years ago.


Anyway, check his lists for girls. ~_~ Maybe that's why he plays so much. Maybe he's developing an emotional attachment to another girl online.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
I am so sorry you're going through this. This was the story of my life. My husband played a game similar to your husband's for about two and half years and ignored me for the majority of the time. And before that all he did was play another game or get invested in another thing. I reached out to him a million ways in the million times and he ignored me every single time. And now he blames me for the affair and for wanting a divorce. I'm projecting on you here. But here are my two cents: just move on. Don't wait thinking it will get better, or that things will change. If they do, they're going to change to the worst probably. And he's going to end up blaming you one way or another. My husband says he never had alone time and we never went out. I guess him playing a game alone or hours on end and therefore us not going out was my fault, not his. He is selfish if he's anything like mine. And honestly deserve better. Since you don't have kids, if he won't go to therapy and address this, you should move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,256 Posts
I have to say that I think Frozen's answer is a pile of beans! Even presuming Frozen is right (which *I* think is ridiculous), then apparently because YOU didn't listen to H's important message and shattered his ego, he now gets to spend the rest of your lives on earth IGNORING you and sulking like a 3yo by hiding in his game world while he licks his wounds and punishes you. HORSESH!T! HE's a grown man, he should face his problems (and his shattered ego) like it.

Alright, like I said, pile of beans in my opinion!

You are full of resentment and may, in fact, be at the end of your marriage. You have already moved through the anger stage to the stage where you feel nothing. This is usually the place where people decide to cut their losses because they have no more emotions (good or bad) to invest in their marriages.

Your H is hiding from you, from your marriage, from his life. It's not going to work! The games are VERY addicting because like too much of anything (TV, porn, drinking, hanging with friends) it's an ESCAPE from one's problems instead of WORKING on them. He's no different than a guy who gets drunk every night, except it's cheaper and he doesn't have a hangover, but the effect on the marriage is the same.

You have spent 1/2 of your marital life living with your in-laws; that in itself must have created quite a lot of stress and conflict. It may also have precipitated problems with your H if his parents couldn't see him as an independent adult with a W who needed to make their own decisions and mistakes...learn their own life lessons. If his parents were still treating you two like kids while you lived in their house, that could have started a lot of things off on the wrong foot in your marriage.

Bottom line:

1.) After 6 years of marriage (3 of them living with HIS parents), your H has checked out of your marriage.

2.) Your emotional needs are NOT getting met.

3.) Your sexual needs are not getting met.

4.) Your H is refusing to act like an adult (other than holding down a job); he won't clean, cook, take care of the property, spend time with you, etc. He is acting like an irresponsible teenager! Earns money for beer & internet, now it's after 5:00pm, leave me alone, it's MY TIME.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship? You could pay your own rent, cook your own meals, do your own laundry...everything you're doing NOW and you would have the added bonus of NOT having to clean up after him (beer bottles, dirty socks, etc.). You would be less stressed and aggravated (by watching a full-grown adult expect YOU to do 100% of the work while he sits within 10 feet of you doing nothing). You would have a chance to find a REAL relationship with a man who enjoys spending time with you and wants to build a future with you.

So why are you still in it? You said you feel NOTHING. IF THAT IS TRUE, then why not cut your losses? Why not cut your workload by 1/3, your stress by 90%, and just move on?

If you do, in fact, feel SOMETHING, then you need to REQUIRE more from Video-Boy! If you don't require more, you're never going to GET more...he's all fat and happy with things they way they are.

You need to lay down the law (since you're the only one acting like an adult in this marriage) and you're apparently the ONLY ONE who is dissatisfied with this situation. Your H needs to work at this marriage WITH YOU, or you need to leave. YOU ALONE cannot fix this marriage; it needs his FULL and ACTIVE participation or you're just wasting what little time you have on earth.

Either unplug the computer BEFORE he gets home, or take the headphones and put them in a drawer BEFORE he gets home (because once he's home he doesn't even hear you).

Tell him you have ONE thing to say to him, and you're only going to say it ONCE.

"YOU either quit your video games COLD TURKEY starting tonight AND come with me to marital counseling IMMEDIATELY, or I'm leaving what's left of this marriage. I'm through with being ignored by you. I'm through with taking care of all the work around here by myself. I'm through with being roommates instead of spouses. I want a MARRIAGE where we talk, and laugh, and share, and have sex, and work together and BUILD A FUTURE, or I want OUT. Now, YOU TELL ME WHAT *YOU* WANT."

He either wants to man-up and FIX this situation, or he doesn't. Either way, you have your answer.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
Any grown man that wastes that much time on a child's activity is a jerk-off. Sorry to be so brutally frank, but c'mon! He lets the garbage pile up and would rather shoot aliens (or whatever; my last video game urge was with Space Invaders) than loads in his wife? Tell him to exercise instead of playing games the same amout of hours and he'll find an excuse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
Any grown man that wastes that much time on a child's activity is a jerk-off. Sorry to be so brutally frank, but c'mon! He lets the garbage pile up and would rather shoot aliens (or whatever; my last video game urge was with Space Invaders) than loads in his wife? Tell him to exercise instead of playing games the same amout of hours and he'll find an excuse.
:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,948 Posts
Any grown man that wastes that much time on a child's activity is a jerk-off. Sorry to be so brutally frank, but c'mon! He lets the garbage pile up and would rather shoot aliens (or whatever; my last video game urge was with Space Invaders) than loads in his wife? Tell him to exercise instead of playing games the same amout of hours and he'll find an excuse.

:iagree:

Even a full grown adult woman doesn't get his attention as much as a child's game. He's a man-child.

Rachel,

Here is a link to others in your shoes, OLG-Anon (Family/Friends) Message Boards | Online Gamers Anonymous - Gaming Addiction Resources & Community For Gamers and People Affected by Gamers

Here is a book for you too, His Needs Her Needs, give it a read.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
waves anyone playing GW2 ;)

He is bored with life and immersing himself in the game, it is an escape, anyone watch the guild?

The Guild
LOOLOL.. i had to login just to post.

my hubby is a GW2 fan.. like omg he LOVES that game.

ok.. so my hubby is a gamer. he was a gamer when we first met, and so was i. i played first person shooters. he did too but he liked the mmo's more.

we have been married 5 years and have an awesome marriage. we had ups and downs but have worked through them.

anyways, he works all the time, drives 2 hours a day to work, goes to the GYM 5 days/wk and plays GW2 the rest of the time it seems.

and i am OK with it. only cause well, i have my life too. we don't go out much and thats ok. we have a 3 yr old so its kind of hard to.

our computers are next to each other, so when he is on his playing GW2, i am on mine usually browsing forums and other stuff. or i'm cooking/cleaning.

on his days off, we do watch a movie on the TV together and do something during the day with the baby, park or whatever.

so it works out good for us and he spends A LOT of time playing gw2 (more than he does with me). and i'm perfectly okay with it.

i guess its because we are in the stage of our relationship where we don't have to spend every waking free moment with each other. i'm not sure.

but if you can just maybe set up a time to spend each other it might help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
150 Posts
I love what SimplyGettingWiser suggested, so I won't add anymore to that! What your husband is doing is hiding from his problems, instead of dealing with them head-on, like a man should. I think men (and women, for that matter) who run or hide from their problems are incredibly cowardly and I have zero respect for them (hence why I have no sympathy or respect for people who cheat).

You said his game had no pause button, so I'm assuming it's an MMORPG...as most single-player PC games let you pause and save.

Let me share a story of my own. I used to be a very avid World of Warcraft player, for nearly 6 years. I've met many, many people on there, some of who I still keep in touch with sporadically today. I played with my ex-boyfriend, who sounds like your husband. In fact, I met my ex-bf on that game!

I was in school full-time, and he worked and went to school part-time. I've seen how addicting those games can get, and I speak from experience. Between the exciting new people you are meeting and playing with all the time, the pressure of being in a decent guild (which some people described as a 'second job') and having to farm gold / get high-quality gear so you can actually be useful to said guild, or even having to farm for decent gear so you can compete with others in the game (and be useful in battlegrounds or arenas, where you are fighting other players in a team), MMOs are a HUGE time sink. Then, of course, there are a million other things you can farm for (mounts, little cosmetic pets, cosmetic upgrades, etc)

My ex-boyfriend was like that. He spent about 70% of his free time playing video games and drinking beer. He was a complete slob and couldn't be bothered to take care of himself, or his surroundings. When we were together, I felt like he was my child, not my boyfriend! I know there wasn't another girl he was talking to, but he was extremely competitive and wanted to get the best gear he could all the time. There were so many other things, but he was a 5-year old trapped in a 26-year old man's body.

I've met tons of guys on there who made passes at me even though they had girlfriends / wives. I've heard of relationships breaking up all the time because of WoW. People come online to b**ch about their wives/girlfriends all the time. And I've seen many EAs start through the game. I've had several EAs myself over the course of my playing MMOs (which is why my current boyfriend doesn't like me playing MMOs much).

Of course, there were plenty of other decent guys who played the game, who went to school, worked, and took care of their families. Difference was, those people were never on very much =p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
386 Posts
I've met tons of guys on there who made passes at me even though they had girlfriends / wives. I've heard of relationships breaking up all the time because of WoW. People come online to b**ch about their wives/girlfriends all the time. And I've seen many EAs start through the game. I've had several EAs myself over the course of my playing MMOs (which is why my current boyfriend doesn't like me playing MMOs much).

Of course, there were plenty of other decent guys who played the game, who went to school, worked, and took care of their families. Difference was, those people were never on very much =p
I've not met these people yet, i don't play as often as i have a 2 year old, no point joining a guild, only lvl 27 human warrior, but prefer gw2 over other MMO's, it can get lonely because certain areas can't be cleared alone, still alot of fun though, that reminds me this gaming rig is in my living room and makes me feel like clara out of the guild :D actually my 2 year old just killed my KB and mouse ith ater it's a g19 note the lack of my w key, cries, got another one today upgraded my mouse to a g00 haha five doesn't ork, i'll play later today it is a great way of escape.
 
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top