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OR 180, his WIFE told him that OP was going crazy accusing her of stuff with her H, and that she was lying and they should block her. It's been done like that before!
 

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You’re not going to have a shot at getting beyond this (assuming it’s even possible that you can) as long as your husband refuses to discuss it. He wants to rug-sweep so it will all go away. That won’t help you heal. He needs to do whatever it is that you want done in order for you to recover. He isn’t.
 

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Discussion Starter #143
Have you been in my situation??
Cheaters LOVE doing that - turning it into an "us against them" dynamic. It's what's known as foxhole bonding - when two people from different sides are forced into a foxhole together they usually unite and band together against a common enemy - and that's what the OP has done. Even though HE'S just as bad as the friend, she stayed with her cheater and they're now seeing the friend as their enemy. The friend is garbage and as evil as it gets, but the husband is worthy of forgiveness and reinvesting in.

The poor OP has probably been sucked into the Delusion Pond over on SI. They'll have her swimming in ignorant bliss in no time.
 

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Have you been in my situation??
Yes. It's very common.

As is it's kissing cousin, "Hysterical Bonding." That is where the cheating spouse makes love to their betrayed spouse like they have never done before. The frequency and passion are off the charts fantastic.

Have you been the beneficiary of some hysterical bonding as well? They often come hand in hand.

It is a good way to make you want to give the cheater a second chance. Enjoy it and then dump him when it's no longer fun.
 

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Discussion Starter #145
Yes. It's very common.

As is it's kissing cousin, "Hysterical Bonding." That is where the cheating spouse makes love to their betrayed spouse like they have never done before. The frequency and passion are off the charts fantastic.

Have you been the beneficiary of some hysterical bonding as well? They often come hand in hand.

It is a good way to make you want to give the cheater a second chance. Enjoy it and then dump him when it's no longer fun.
WTF!!!
 

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It's what they do. Depends on their preception of damage control.
 

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Are you guys quarantined? If so, you probably need to use that time to plan your next step.

Have you guys been to counseling? If not (or he refuses), then you have to decide to either: (1) file for divorce; or (2) you go to IC and attempt to heal and learn to trust again on your own.

Has he read: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda MacDonald

It's been four months and he refuses to even discuss his affair. IMO your husband has a typical cheater's self centered/selfish attitude (including a lack of empathy for you, and minimizing & denying to himself how much he hurt/abused you). Unfortunately, it's the same thinking that allowed him to engage in the affair (and he's still unsafe).

Your husband is focusing on himself (not you) once again and convincing himself he's still a good person. How does he convince himself he's a good person? By apologizing and stopping cheating; and also by being in denial (to himself) by refusing to further acknowledge the damage/pain he caused by not discussing it.

Of course he doesn't want to discuss it because it makes him feel bad about himself. Why? it's tough work because in discussing his behavior he has to acknowledge that he is a cheater and a bully.

Basically, his long term strategy focuses on what makes him feel comfortable about himself. Time is his best friend. The longer he can avoid discussing it the less important his cheating & bullying becomes in his own mind.

If you go nuclear, I predict his response will be one of surprise and : "why aren't you over this by now". He doesn't see your pain as 1,000 times worst than his shame or discomfort in his behavior.
 

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Discussion Starter #149
Are you guys quarantined? If so, you probably need to use that time to plan your next step.

Have you guys been to counseling? If not (or he refuses), then you have to decide to either: (1) file for divorce; or (2) you go to IC and attempt to heal and learn to trust again on your own.

Has he read: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda MacDonald

It's been four months and he refuses to even discuss his affair. IMO your husband has a typical cheater's self centered/selfish attitude (including a lack of empathy for you, and minimizing & denying to himself how much he hurt/abused you). Unfortunately, it's the same thinking that allowed him to engage in the affair (and he's still unsafe).

Your husband is focusing on himself (not you) once again and convincing himself he's still a good person. How does he convince himself he's a good person? By apologizing and stopping cheating; and also by being in denial (to himself) by refusing to further acknowledge the damage/pain he caused by not discussing it.

Of course he doesn't want to discuss it because it makes him feel bad about himself. Why? it's tough work because in discussing his behavior he has to acknowledge that he is a cheater and a bully.

Basically, his long term strategy focuses on what makes him feel comfortable about himself. Time is his best friend. The longer he can avoid discussing it the less important his cheating & bullying becomes in his own mind.

If you go nuclear, I predict his response will be one of surprise and : "why aren't you over this by now". He doesn't see your pain as 1,000 times worst than his shame or discomfort in his behavior.
He says he didn’t cheat as nothing sexual happened. I beg to disagree!!
The thought was there and who says it wouldn’t of gone any further if I hadn’t found out. (If it didn’t already)
 

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‘’Damage control’!?!?!?
Those who cheat find it useful when found out to, be everything and more to their spouses they cheated on.

Thus hysterical bonding, is the way those cheaters, make their spouses believe they are the one and only. And use sex and all the emotions their spouses need to believe them.
 

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Discussion Starter #151
Those who cheat find it useful when found out to, be everything and more to their spouses they cheated on.

Thus hysterical bonding, is the way those cheaters, make their spouses believe they are the one and only. And use sex and all the emotions their spouses need to believe them.
Don’t believe one word!!
 

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Isn't this why your here? To find out from others what to expect? Or what brought you here?
 

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He says he didn’t cheat as nothing sexual happened. I beg to disagree!!
The thought was there and who says it wouldn’t of gone any further if I hadn’t found out. (If it didn’t already)
Then he won't mind if you send his best friend a video of you masturbating, will he? He won't mind if you start yukking it up with his boss etc. I am NOT recommending you do this. But, since he thinks it is so harmless he needs to realize that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

If he is Christian, remind him of what Jesus said about a person lusting in their heart has already committed adultery. Your husband went beyond the lusting. He acted upon it.

Hysterical bonding can also be instigated by the betrayed as a way of reclaiming what they consider to be theirs.

Since your former friend's husband has blocked you just leave him to his own fate. He's earned it.
 

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Hysterical bonding goes both ways. Usually it's when a couple is at its most despaired moment, but before deciding to divorce. They feel they are falling into the abyss and oddly, seek comfort in each other, like a couple going through a massive amount of break up sex right before the break up. At least that's how it felt to me.....

The betrayed person, in part, does it to "claim" their cheating spouse. Like, this possession game that can't be stopped, and the cheater has a mix of guilt, desire to be wanted, etc. that is irresistable. Hence, some of the best sex you'll ever have.
 

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I had the hysterical bonding. But I sadly realized that I was participating in it to stay connected to my husband. The only real affection I got from him was sexual. He actually told me he needed the comfort of having sex with me even though his heart was with the other woman. He wouldn't look at me during most of these sessions. So he was doing it to make himself feel better.



If I had my time over I would have acted stronger sooner. I would of grey rocked him and not waited for the day he moved out. I don't have to act now, I am stronger but he stills tries to mess with my head. It works for a few hours then Im ok again.
 

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He says he didn’t cheat as nothing sexual happened.

Among other things, cheaters (including your husband) are selfish and self centered, and lack empathy for their spouse (especially for the trauma he caused). He basically ran you over with his truck and has left you laying in the ditch. He said he's sorry and won't do it again - but then walked away leaving it up to you to crawl to a hospital and heal on your own.

He made up his own definition of cheating in order to suit his behavior. It's his way to minimize what he did in his own mind (and he's hoping that in time you'll accept his definition and move on). By minimizing what he did, he's giving himself an excuse to overlook the damage to trust.

He needs to understand that in order for you to start to trust him again, he needs to: acknowledge that (regardless of how he labels it to himself) sneaking around behind your back & the bullying is something that may lead to divorce, identify why and then list for you what he will do to ensure he'll never do it again.

If you're in counseling, the definition of cheating would be discussed. The online dictionary defines infidelity as:

1a : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner
b : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : disloyalty

Maybe stop using the word 'cheat' and instead say he was: unfaithful and disloyal.

His sexting and especially the subsequent bullying you into believing that you were inappropriately suspicious (going crazy and blaming yourself) is all that and more.
 

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[QUOTE="m.t.t, post: 20121354, member: 262521"

If I had my time over I would have acted stronger sooner. I would of grey rocked him and not waited for the day he moved out. I don't have to act now, I am stronger but he stills tries to mess with my head. It works for a few hours then Im ok again.
[/QUOTE]

I don't regret one minute of my hysterical bonding time. It was fantastic. Use it before you lose it, lol.
 

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@Diamond21 Your husband doesn't think he's a real cheater in pretty much the same way that the man who drove the getaway car at a bank robbery doesn't think that he is really a bank robber, because he didn't, actually, enter the bank and stayed in the car the entire time! :rolleyes:

He is a cheater, right enough.
 
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