[Pinkk]

Ok SOO, i posted earlier about my husband having a emotional affair. Cause he said he was done with me. Well, i found out he stayed in the *****s bed the other night with clothes on and didnt do anything with her. She told him he can stay anytime. Well last night he was going to leave again cause he didnt want to stay with me. He said i dont show him enough love or make him happy anymore. I begged, pleaded, cried, im sure i looked like a fool. But i didnt want him to go. Before hand i figured fine, get a apt and we will get legally separated and do what u want. But it hit me and i broke down and thats NOT what i want. I was to fight for us. I told him hes not leaving our kids to go somewhere else and take care of their kids. I told him give me time to show u i love u and if u dont like it u can leave. He finally layed in bed with me. I took his shoes off but he was ready to still go. He didnt want to give me a kiss but finally did. Well after a while i got him to take his clothes off to sleep. Then after a while we kissed and ended up having sex, and enjoyed each other!! I told him before that, that i dont want him leaving me tomorrow and to put his wedding ring back on!! I also told him to tell that girl he wants to make things better with me and dont go to her house. He said if he was happy at home he would of never liked her.

Well what do i do?? i mean i know he loves me but we are both confused. How do i get him to stop liking someone else just cause they listen to his problems and are nice to him?? They know he is married. They work together so if we are going to try, how does it stop between them before if gets further? i feel hurt, very hurt about that but im going to fight for my damn marriage, im just confused and unsure what to do about everything.

 

[dormant]

You do know they did more than lay together with their clothes on, right?

 

[zookeeper]

He didn't want to kiss you because he would be cheating on HER. The OW needs to be completely gone from his life for you to have even a small chance of working it out. No excuses, no exceptions. If you accept anything less you are wasting your time.
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[Pinkk]

He didn't want to kiss you because he would be cheating on HER. The OW needs to be completely gone from his life for you to have even a small chance of working it out. No excuses, no exceptions. If you accept anything less you are wasting your time.
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Well they have not dated yet or anything. Just talked and hanged out. He did kiss me, we did have sex and he told me today he didnt feel a huge connection, a small one. And that he thinks he just needs to move out. Im heart broken. He dont know her. He said he likes her and wants to try it with her, this coming from a man that has NEVER been like this. She is older than him with 2 kids and he doesnt need to be taking care of someone elses kids when he has his own. I am very very hurt. He said he enjoyed having sex with me last night and i said i love u and he said i told u i love you too. Then bam, today at work he thinks he needs to for sure leave. whats going on???

 

[zookeeper]

Well they have not dated yet or anything. Just talked and hanged out. He did kiss me, we did have sex and he told me today he didnt feel a huge connection, a small one. And that he thinks he just needs to move out. Im heart broken. He dont know her. He said he likes her and wants to try it with her, this coming from a man that has NEVER been like this. She is older than him with 2 kids and he doesnt need to be taking care of someone elses kids when he has his own. I am very very hurt. He said he enjoyed having sex with me last night and i said i love u and he said i told u i love you too. Then bam, today at work he thinks he needs to for sure leave. whats going on???

What's going on? You are in serious denial. He betrayed you by having an EA and you believe him when he tells you these things? Just read what you wrote in this thread. It makes no sense. There's a lot more going on here than you want to admit.
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[Pinkk]

What's going on? You are in serious denial. He betrayed you by having an EA and you believe him when he tells you these things? Just read what you wrote in this thread. It makes no sense. There's a lot more going on here than you want to admit.
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Nothing else going on, hes just unhappy and i want to make him happy. but how can i stay and wait for him to explore other people when im hurting?

 

[NoWhere]

From a mans point of view. Sex can be just sex. In other words he doesn't need to love you or have any intention of working things out and he will still have sex with you.

Begging, pleading, crying and waiting on the guy hand and foot will drive him away faster and faster. Appearing needy is not attractive and it shows him he doesn't have to work on himself or anything to have you grovelling back to him.

The fact is if a person can't make himself happy no one else can do it for him. It's not that he is so terribly unhappy now. Its that he is attracted to this other person and his dreams of her, and how happy he thinks he will be with her, are always going to be better then the reality he knows. Infatuation and lust physically alter the brain and induce endorphines. The same reaction someone has when they are on cocaine though to a smaller degree. People don't think or act straight when they think they are in love or are longing for someone new. He tells himself he is unhappy to make it 'ok' to do what he is doing to you. Because any decent man knows this is wrong in his mind he needs a excuse.

A new love interest has none of the emotional baggage that already exists between you and him. Its easier for him to not work on his marriage and run to her. Working on a marriage takes hard work, commitment and dedication. Running to someone else and divorcing the person you made vows too takes a p3nis and no sense of honor. Nothing else needed.

 

[Dewayne76]

Pinkk, Let me tell you about begging and pleading.

I'm sure you either are still doing it, or will continue, or pick up again.


My whole drama started back in August technically. It didn't really hit the fan until late Sept. I begged, pleaded and everything else in the book for WEEKS! ALL that ever did was PISS HER OFF to no one, because it was NOTHING but pressure!!

Looking back, I can't say if it would've helped to have quit, but I GUARANTEE YOU IT HURT THE SITUATION!

Please, take the advice here.

 

[daisygirl 41]

I'm sorry there's no way he just slept in the same bed as her!
You need to seriously follow the 180 if you have any hope of getting him back.
Stop the crying, begging and drama now.
It will drive him further away.
Come on, you can do it! It's hard, I've been there, but you have to face the reality of this now.
Exposé the Aand 'woman up'
Don't listen to his blameshifting and lies!
180
180
180
IT WORKS!
You can't get him to stop liking somebody. You can't control his actions, only your own!
Think about rationally! Does he want a crying, begging wife or a nice little honey who makes him feel good!
Please don't think I'm being harsh, I've been where you are!
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[Pinkk]

I'm sorry there's no way he just slept in the same bed as her!
You need to seriously follow the 180 if you have any hope of getting him back.
Stop the crying, begging and drama now.
It will drive him further away.
Come on, you can do it! It's hard, I've been there, but you have to face the reality of this now.
Exposé the Aand 'woman up'
Don't listen to his blameshifting and lies!
180
180
180
IT WORKS!
You can't get him to stop liking somebody. You can't control his actions, only your own!
Think about rationally! Does he want a crying, begging wife or a nice little honey who makes him feel good!
Please don't think I'm being harsh, I've been where you are!
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I dont know what 180is. I dont mean to beg and cry but i have come to that cause i dont understand this. All this coming from a man who always loved me and said he would never leave me or hurt me and would never want anyone else. I trusted him, even if he thinks i didnt and i dont love him, i do. But i can only say so much that he wont listen. How do I do anything to get him back when he wants to go explore others? I cant wait around. For other comments on here, i understand but if only likes her cause she listens and is nice and he thinks he might be happy but he wont! She just left a relationship, all she wants is another man. Its wrong. How do i change my feelings of hurt, betrayal and deal with it? Let him go, still seeing him cause we have kids, knowing he loves me still and i love him, all this is tearing me apart. I feel hopeless and scared kind of cause i dont know what im going to do.

 

[zookeeper]

Nothing else going on, hes just unhappy and i want to make him happy. but how can i stay and wait for him to explore other people when im hurting?

There is no way you can know that. You are basing your belief strictly on the word of a man who has already betrayed you. I understand that you desperately want it to be true, but the signs point to a physical affair.

The longer you take to open your eyes the worse pain you are going to feel.

I wish you luck.
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[daisygirl 41]

I dont know what 180is. I dont mean to beg and cry but i have come to that cause i dont understand this. All this coming from a man who always loved me and said he would never leave me or hurt me and would never want anyone else. I trusted him, even if he thinks i didnt and i dont love him, i do. But i can only say so much that he wont listen. How do I do anything to get him back when he wants to go explore others? I cant wait around. For other comments on here, i understand but if only likes her cause she listens and is nice and he thinks he might be happy but he wont! She just left a relationship, all she wants is another man. Its wrong. How do i change my feelings of hurt, betrayal and deal with it? Let him go, still seeing him cause we have kids, knowing he loves me still and i love him, all this is tearing me apart. I feel hopeless and scared kind of cause i dont know what im going to do.

I know your hurting honey. Believe me, I've been there. Hang on in there.
I'm on my mobile at the moment, if anyone could post a link to the 180 could you do that please.

OP read the stickies on the CWI forum
X
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[Lilme831983]

Ugh this is hard but here is the reality. As a wife you need to know what you deserve and that's not to be cheated on or played with. When someone in the relationship has mentally checked out it usually mean they have the tendencies to think about others nd therefore they are not happy in their current relationship. The best you can do is try to see things from their point of view and the reason why they did that. Make sure to ask them if they are really not happy if there is something that you can do to make it right. The harsh reality is that this person may not want to make it work and therefore no matter what you say it wont change them.

 

[Trickster]

The Healing Heart: The 180

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

[NoWhere]

Thanks Already Gone. It would be nice if they would make a sticky post with that list. Since almost every thread here refers back to the '180'

 

[Trickster]

Hey Pinkk,

I can understand what you are going through... Better yet, I can relate to what your hubby may be going through... I just haven't cheated yet.

From many of my other post, I always talk about my wife not showing any affection....She never has... ever....I say I want more hugs and kisses from her, but it's more like the touch me don't touch me thing. I try so hard to get her TLC and it is just not enough or it feel fake.
To para phrase what Lilme said...Nothing you do will be enough..

Trust me here. For me, I am starting to think it is my issues I am dealing with and I take it out on my wife. Your husband may have many isues he is dealing with and he is looking for somebody else to provide him happiness or give him the affection he demand from you.

I am doing the 180 myself. Not to change my wife. That will not happen. It help me deal with my issues and I am much nicer to my wife. The 180 will make you stronger emotionally.

For me, I know another women won't solve my issues. I think that I would create a whole new set of issues to be upset about and feel unloved. Knowing my luck, Another woman would probably want to touch and hug all the time and be too needy

 

[Trickster]

Thanks Already Gone. It would be nice if they would make a sticky post with that list. Since almost every thread here refers back to the '180'

That is a great Idea I need to print it out and put it up on the wall to read it everyday.

 

[daisygirl 41]

Google it and comes up!
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