[Niknak]

Hi, I'm new here. I just need some1 else's view on this:

My husband and are in our late twenties and have been married for 4 years, we have a 1 yr old daughter and another baby on the way. We lead the young adults in our church. And about a year ago (when my daughter was born) a young woman started coming along to our youth, she's in her mid-twenties.

My husband exchanged numbers to keep in touch with the woman, and invite her to our events etc. and almost immediately I noticed the text messages, Facebook conversations etc between them were quite flirty, and when they would meet in person, they would laugh in front of me and the rest of our group about things that only the 2 of them knew about (very innocent stuff, maybe things that were discussed in texts etc.)

To cut a long story short, I told him I didn't trust the girl. I got a bad feeling about her. I asked him not to talk to her as much on Facebook and texts, and he agreed.
However...
Over the past year there have been a few incidents involving the 2 of them. Eg. We took the group on a missions trip in summer, and we took our daughter too, my husband didn't help me at all, and every time I would be looking for him, he would be with this young woman again (including sitting on the beach at midnight with her alone). Again I confronted him about it and he said it wouldn't happen again.

Then yesterday, I was in the shop she works in and when she was serving me, she told me (in front of all the customers) "I woke up to lovely texts from ur husband this morning" she went on to talk about how they had such fun conversations all the time etc. I felt totally humiliated in front of everyone.

So when I got home, I checked his phone - no messages! Eventually, he admitted that he does text her, and he had deleted the messages.

I don't know how to feel about this. I feel like a fool. I try to be the best wife, always keep myself looking good, and I'm always here for my husband, and I thought we had a good relationship.

Now I'm just so hurt. I would never do what he has done, and I don't understand why he would have this secret relationship, especially since he knows how I feel about this girl. He has a wife, daughter, and baby on the way and I feel like we mean nothing to him.

I don't know what to do now?

 

[BeachGuy]

Then yesterday, I was in the shop she works in and when she was serving me, she told me (in front of all the customers) "I woke up to lovely texts from ur husband this morning" she went on to talk about how they had such fun conversations all the time etc. I felt totally humiliated in front of everyone.

Seriously? I think a lot of women might've jacked her up right there on the spot for saying that. That's inexcusable. So is your husbands behaviour.

Put him on notice. ZERO contact with this woman or you want him to move out.

 

[TrustInUs]

She was definitely inappropriate and was looking for a reaction out of you. You need to set some boundaries with your husband. Even with fellow church members, things can start off innocent, but turn ugly really fast.

His behavior is also inappropriate, like the poster above I would demand no contact with her. There is no reason that he should have to hide his communication if it was totally innocent.

 

[Pault]

This appears to be boarding on an affair (IMO) He sees fit to hide his communication from you, that is deceipt in any language. Beach meetings at mid-night, how romantic. I suspect that if my wife were in your shoes she would have forgotten the "turn the other cheek" phase and landed a right hook on mine and hers without any second thought.

Action Now. He needs his boundries and they need to include no communication in any format with this woman and that includes through a spirtiualist medium. He has lied by hiding the texts from you and to make sure you know nothing hes deleted them. Very underhanded and smacks affair.

It certainly needs a few members of your religious circle to know that there is someone in their midst that doesnt that the bibles teachings about marridge as serious as its intended to be.

 

[TrustInUs]

:iagree: with the above post. Some how I missed the whole beach part. You definitely need to act on this now.

 

[Rob774]

Ur husbands having an emotional affair. You have to put an end to it TODAY before it turns physical. Your husband also is showing blatant disrespect to you by basically ignoring your requests to stop this behavior.

Hanging with a female that's not his wife on the beach - RED FLAG!
Texting another woman repeatedly after warned to stop - RED FLAG!
Deleting said messages to this woman - RED FLAG!
The woman embarrassing you publicly like that - HUGE RED FLAG!
That's blatant disrespect, borderline confrontational, she's basically throwing their affair in your face.

I agree with the above statements, order him NO CONTACT with the ULTIMATUM that you will grab your daughter, and child to be and walk!!! If that doesn't snap him into reality, then he isn't the man you need to spend the rest of your life with anyway.

 

[Maricha75]

In addition to NC with this woman, I think you two should step down from leading the young adults at church...for now at least. As long as this woman is in that class, there WILL be contact of some sort and they will both feel it justified...after all, it's "church related" right? If you don't want a grand display over it at church, just tell them that you two feel you are spreading yourselves too thin at this time and need to step down for now. Honestly, if going to a different church is an option, I would do that. Right now, their relationship is a stumbling block for all three of you. You need the distance/NC, now.

 

[Niknak]

Thanks guys for replying, it's good 2 know I'm not just a crazy hormonal pregnant woman over reacting about this!

It seems like every time he's in contact with her, he always gives the excuse that he was counselling her, or giving her advice, but we made a decision a few years ago that to safeguard ourselves and our marriage, I'd be there for the girls and he'd be there for the guys.
She always goes to him though, and other people in our youth have noticed that she targets guys that r 'taken'.
Grrrrr! Makes me so angry! She's a beautiful girl and could have any guy, and she goes for MY husband!
The most hurtful thing, is that no matter how bad she is, he was the 1 who texted her 1st yesterday (and goodness knows when else). He pursued her. Not the other way round.
I'm definitely gonna put down some boundaries and stay strong!
Marriage is hard work some times!

 

[canttrustu]

Seriously? I think a lot of women might've jacked her up right there on the spot for saying that. That's inexcusable. So is your husbands behaviour.

Put him on notice. ZERO contact with this woman or you want him to move out.

On the spot- my foot meets her head. No if's, and's or but's.

UFB.

 

[Zing]

OMG...

If someone had spoken to me like that in public I don't even know what I would have done...

and everyone's mentioning 'spotting-the-red-flags'
What's to spot? It's all out in the open painted in big banners to see!!! They're not even doing a great job of covering it up or anything if you find your husband chatting up to her every time he goes missing...or if she's saying such things to you in public...

It's almost like they're trying to hide stuff from you just for the sake of...they don't even seem too worried/anxious that you might find out something...
like an 'Oops did you just see that?' reaction...

From what you've written it sounds like she's charmed your husband totally and he's happy to be following her...what is your husband like when he's not in this 'fog of attraction'. I wish he reforms his ways... but I don't know if he'll turn a new leaf forever (what if 5 10 years down the line another attractive woman walks past?)... you know the saying, once a strayer always a ___ (Ofcourse there are exceptions)
And for all of this going on in your life, you really sound very level-headed, calm and NICE! Is there anything else you need to tell us? If there isn't I don't what to say other than my heart goes out to you!

Her behaviour and your husband's behaviour are abominable to say the least (Saying so, assuming you've always been a good/loyal wife) Nevertheless to put you through all this when you're pregnant with his second?

Others on here would be more proficient in giving you advice on what to do from here... seems to me like it'll have to be ultimatums, which if not followed...then ----> the door!

Really wish you the best and keep us posted...

 

[Niknak]

Thanks Zing, I think it just shows how little the girl really thinks of him, by telling me that yesterday, I think she was just saying "I could have your husband if I wanted him".
Hopefully he'll see that too.

I made a decision when we got married that I'd stay faithful to him, always put him 1st. And there have been times that guys have tried the same thing with me, but I've just told them where 2 go!

I feel terrible writing about my husband on this, but I can't really go 2 my mum, or his mum, as they'll of course be biased, and I don't want 2 put him down 2 any of my friends in case it wrecks their view of him. He is a lovely man, and a good dad, it's just when this girl is in the picture he seems to change.

He was crying yesterday when I confronted him about it, saying he didnt want 2 lose us, but today he's acting like nothing happened.

I'll definitely give him the ultimatum - don't have any contact again with this girl or we're over. Then he can choose what he wants.

 

[Zing]

He is a lovely man, and a good dad, it's just when this girl is in the picture he seems to change.
He was crying yesterday when I confronted him about it, saying he didnt want 2 lose us, but today he's acting like nothing happened.

:scratchhead: Hmmm I don't know what to make of him...it almost sounds to me like you both are from a generally happy marriage...a settled family...and he's suddenly transformed with the arrival of this girl... like she's fed him some Harry Potter attraction potion or something...
Such things tend to happen few years into the marriage when the couples fall into a routine and lose the spark for one another... or in unhappy marriages...but neither seems to be your case...
As for the girl, the whole thing to her must be a power-trip...knowing how much power/control she has over seemingly noble married men!!!What else could she get from using men and abusing their families?

From your words it sounds like you come from good backgrounds and supportive families... not to mention the church connections too...I'm guessing that you as a family would be familiar faces in your neighbourhood...you even mention that your youth group knows that girl is notorious...then your husband's deeds must also start running their course through the gossip mills...
Is he suddenly so smitten by the new-found attention he's receiving that he doesn't even realize he's ruining his name and repute ...something that takes yearsssss to build and will again take yearsssss to restore if tarnished? If he's not able to 'see' it yet, show him this page and let him see for himself what others' views of his behaviour are...

Nevertheless; if what you're saying about your husband is true...then few weeks/months on he should snap out of this 'fog' and look back to see how gravely he's wronged you...but, obviously we don't want him pursuing this any more or going any further (if he's willing to work on it)... do cite examples of your past where men had come on to you and how you behaved with them...then he'll realize (hopefully) how to go about the situation...

However, one positive of all this is that it seems like is that you do have a good support system to fall back on...
Kudos to you girl for being so level-headed about all of this...and be brave and calm for the sake of your child/children...

 

[TrustInUs]

I think coping with infidelity board can help you, whether he's actually had an afair or not. It seems pretty close, and they can give you good advice on how to proceed.

 

[Maricha75]

Thanks guys for replying, it's good 2 know I'm not just a crazy hormonal pregnant woman over reacting about this!

It seems like every time he's in contact with her, he always gives the excuse that he was counselling her, or giving her advice, but we made a decision a few years ago that to safeguard ourselves and our marriage, I'd be there for the girls and he'd be there for the guys.
She always goes to him though, and other people in our youth have noticed that she targets guys that r 'taken'.
Grrrrr! Makes me so angry! She's a beautiful girl and could have any guy, and she goes for MY husband!
The most hurtful thing, is that no matter how bad she is, he was the 1 who texted her 1st yesterday (and goodness knows when else). He pursued her. Not the other way round.
I'm definitely gonna put down some boundaries and stay strong!
Marriage is hard work some times!

This. Remind him of the AGREEMENT you two made, and how his contact with this girl goes BEYOND that boundary. And then, tell him that he has a choice: no further contact with this girl... or leave. No in betweens here either. One or the other. He can choose to honor the vows he made before GOD, or he can have this other woman. And don't back down.

 

[IsGirl3]

hi Niknak, I feel for you. you've been thrown for a loop and it's not your fault. I can't believe that girl had the NERVE to rub her affair (emotional or sexual) with your husband in your face, in front of other people, too. It's not just obvious to you, it's obvious, and probably uncomfortable for the people in your group. I agree that you two need to step down and work on your own marriage. Your husband is callous, disrespectful, and sneaky, and so irresponsible to risk throwing it all away. He has crossed the line. He needs to decide now - you or that girl. He can't have both. You are not hormonal. Your marriage is at risk and you are reacting totally appropriately, if not a little too calm. He's with her on a beach at [email protected]? OOOMMMGGGG!!! He's with her, while your struggling along with the kid??? I'm sure this is very very scary for you and you're hanging on for dear life and hoping against hope that it's not true, especially with a little kid and bun in the oven, but your husband's behavior is SO SO SO WRONG.

I don't know how you can get away from this church girl, but it's dysfunctional to your young adult group (who totally see what is going on) and for your marriage. He needs to prove himself to you right now, and you need to check the text logs online to see what he's deleting, that sneaky SOB.

 

[alte Dame]

You should move this to the CWI forum. I think there is much more in the way of texts, etc. that you don't know. He's been deleting the texts for a reason. You're only seeing the tip of the iceberg and need to get to the bottom of it so that you can take action.

 

[thunderstruck]

...she told me (in front of all the customers) "I woke up to lovely texts from ur husband this morning" she went on to talk about how they had such fun conversations all the time etc. I felt totally humiliated in front of everyone.

That's beyond F'd up. If a dude told me something like that...I would probably make a complete azz out of myself in front of everyone.

 

[thatgirll007]

I've been there...and my exH was in the ministry, too. This is an inappropriate relationship and it is wrong. Plain and simple. If you don't set boundaries now, there won't be any boundaries. Tell your H that he can have flirty texts with this woman or he can have your love and fidelity. It's his choice.

1.) No contact with her - at all.
2.) You get access to his cell phone records.
3.) Marital counseling.

 

[PBear]

Btw, you should also tell him no more deleting text messages from anyone. Then cross-check with your cell phone website to make sure.

Of course, it will take him about 3 minutes to find a messaging app for his phone, if he's inclined to do that. But it might be a start...

You could also push for counseling by your religious leader. Keep in mind that's its not YOU embarrassing him, it's his actions and decisions. And typically, when there's a workplace affair where the two people are unable to avoid each other, the typical solution is for the spouse to find another job. Could he stop with the youth leadership thing? It's not like he's providing a positive example tight now anyway...

C
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[diwali123]

Yep, it's an emotional affair I think.
Just because they are both Christians means nothing. She sounds like a nutjob, I can't believe she would say that you!
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