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Hello everyone,

I am new here and was looking for advice regarding my marriage. I’m unhappy in my marriage and feel generally miserable in my life. I’m not sure if I am making a mistake in wanting to get a divorce, I’m terrified that I will end up regretting it.
We got married about 3 years ago and a few months into our marriage and while I was pregnant with our first, I found out that my husband had been calling and texting local escorts regularly. I was shocked and I left him, and he apologized and assured me that he was only “pranking” them with his friends and that it was something they would do together. One of his friends even told me so but I was never sure if he simply told me that to cover up for my husband. I forgave him but it never forgot about it and would always have anxiety when I’d see him on his phone. I eventually had my first baby and immediately got pregnant with my second so I didn’t have the time to really check his phone bills during that time. During our marriage however, he tends to be sweet most of the time but has anger issues where he would get angry about food and would complain that my cooking was one of the worst he’s ever seen. 3 years ago I was a new cook, just learning how to make rice so I didn’t find it fair that he was so judgemental about it, it hurt my feelings a lot especially since he is a good cook himself but never helped me learn. He rarely prepares dinner and has maybe only shown me how to make a meal the way he likes it once or twice in 3 years. By now, I’m comfortable cooking and he would generally not complain about my food but my problem is that I don’t even have the time to shower or cook or even look at myself in the mirror. I have an 18 month old and a 2.5 year old who are very needy and fight 24/7. My husband doesn’t understand how I feel and how overwhelmed I am with the kids and most of the time while I am preparing dinner, my kids are crying at my feet for my attention and this would go on until dinner is finally ready. I would ask him to please entertain them or play with them and he would just ignore me and stay on his phone. I find this to be somewhat cruel. He generally is a sweet person but only when everything is going smoothly, dinner is good, kids aren’t whiny and the house is somewhat clean. He never lifts a finger to help around with laundry or picking up after the kids, he thinks it is my job to do all this. As all moms do, I feel drained and tired. Sometimes I ask for a divorce and he accepts but tells me that he will commit suicide once we separate and how his parents will hate me for making them lose their son. So I end up backing off on my threat and to be honest he isn’t the most evil person out there. I mean there are pedophiles, serial killers and perverted weirdos out there. He can be quite sweet when he wants to but also quite rude depending on his mood. Anyhow all this to say that I wasn’t going to consider leaving again because I figured that we’d have better days once the kids are older and I would have more free time to myself. However, on our latest family trip to Turkey, I caught him searching for local escorts in the middle of the night and I just lost it. I told him I wanted a divorce and that I was done but he started with the suicide threat again and told me that he wasn’t actually going to go see an escort and that he would never do that to me but that he was simply curious to see if they existed in that Islamic country. I didn’t see that he had contacted any of them so I don’t know, I feel I am going crazy and I don’t know what the right thing to do is! Should I just accept things the way they are? After all they say, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. But if he really is going behind my back with escorts, I definitely want a divorce but I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if he is telling the truth.
 

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This may be blunt, but if you want a divorce, you get a divorce and how he handles that is up to him. Threatening suicide is a horrible thing to do and IMO that kind of manipulation only adds to the grounds for divorce. You should not want to be married to such a person. You should only stay with someone out of love and a mutual commitment to a shared future, not out of any kind of fear. DO NOT let his threats be a decision factor.

One word of caution though, if you do decide to push through with a divorce, protect yourself. Someone who threatens suicide may decide to go after the ex-spouse and even the kids first.

Very sorry you're going through this, both the infidelity as well as the manipulation and the threats (and the emotional abuse). Don't let any of that prevent you from doing what's best for you.

He sounds very unstable. Is that someone you want around your children?

Question to the community.... is there someone to call, like a suicide hotline or even law enforcement when a spouse threatens suicide?
 

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It doesn't matter if he's telling the truth or not. The only thing that matters is how you feel about everything. You don't have a husband. You have a slave master who disrespects you. You are not obligated to tolerate that. Therefore, there is nothing to confuse you.

What you are is afraid. And you're afraid of the unknown, which is really kind of silly. Your fear is totally based in the strange probability that you could only find delinquents of society, but isn't it just as easy to think you will be free to find someone who treats you well, doesn't have mood swings, and doesn't look for escorts behind your back? Your husband does this behind your back and lies to you about it, so how does that make him so much better to settle for? But aside from that, why do you think you HAVE to find someone at all? Why is being somebody's mate or wife so important to you?

At any rate, you have to make your decision based on your own needs and what you determine to be a bad situation. You can't allow yourself to be manipulated by a spoiled child who doesn't want to grow up and be a husband to you. He WILL NOT commit suicide. He's just using that idle threat against you so that you stay and keep allowing him to treat you however he wants.

It's a false threat. You are not the only person that threat is used on for the sole purpose of manipulation. If you don't believe me, google "I will kill myself if you leave me" and read the articles. It's a well-known threat that well known to be nothing but a scare tactic to get you to do what he wants you to do, and to prevent you from doing what YOU want to do, which is leave him. You are not responsible for his manipulation and you're not responsible for his actions.

I googled it and here is one of the articles I found:
When Your Partner Threatens Suicide
 

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Get checked for STDs. Escorts don't play phone games. Either you hire them or you don't. He has obviously hired them for sex.

I agree that his threats may only be for himself at the moment, but you need to document anytime he makes threats. Seek legal help immediately to find out what your rights and responsibilities are and what you can do to protect yourself and your children if he gets violent. I have a bad feeling about this and think you should not take this lightly.

If you click the edit button at the bottom of your post, you can go in and edit your post to make paragraphs. That makes it much easier to read, so you will likely get more responses. People tend to move along when they see a wall of text. It's too difficult to read.
 

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Question to the community.... is there someone to call, like a suicide hotline or even law enforcement when a spouse threatens suicide?
It's only manipulation, Yeti. Suicide hotlines need to be free to help people who really do want to end their life. They don't have time for the stupidity of emotional blackmail. If he were serious, it wouldn't occur only when she finally gets fed up with his antics. He would want to commit suicide just because it's Friday.
 

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It's only manipulation, Yeti. Suicide hotlines need to be free to help people who really do want to end their life. They don't have time for the stupidity of emotional blackmail.
Don't be so sure. I am concerned that it could escalate beyond threats of suicide to threats to harm her and/or the children.
 

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Don't be so sure. I am concerned that it could escalate beyond threats of suicide to threats to harm her and/or the children.
"Liking" this doesn't seem appropriate, but I'm in complete agreement. We don't know what this guy is capable of, and threats of suicide could be a cover for his thoughts about bringing down the family with him. Or could be that he wants to go down in a storm of police fire after he's gunned down his own family. Suicide by cop I think it's called?

OP definitely believes he's not stable. She's in a better place to know that than us. Err on the side of caution.
 

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Don't be so sure. I am concerned that it could escalate beyond threats of suicide to threats to harm her and/or the children.
All the more reason to know it's only manipulation. The point is that he only says it to manipulate and control her. If he were to try to harm her for leaving him, it would be an extension of his control tactics. But that he keeps trying to manipulate her his threats of suicide is no reason for her to stay with him.

But you quoted me letting Yeti know there was no point and no reason to call the suicide hotline for his emotional blackmail. That he might escalate to threats of harming her when she leaves him is no reason to call the suicide hotline for his manipulation tactics of threatening suicide.
 

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But you quoted me letting Yeti know there was no point and no reason to call the suicide hotline for his emotional blackmail. That he might escalate to threats of harming her when she leaves him is no reason to call the suicide hotline for his manipulation tactics of threatening suicide.
But perhaps child protective services? It might be good to get something "on record" somewhere. And there's a certain subtext of abuse here as well.
 

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If he really wanted to commit suicide.. which he doesnt, he just knows you and has you completely snowed... that isnt YOUR responsibility. He is a grown man and any decisions he makes about his well being or not is on him 100%. If you are in the US, you can contact the police the next time he makes that threat, and I bet he doesnt pull that again. Also just because he isnt a serial killer or a pedophile DOES NOT MEAN HE IS A GOOD MAN!!
 

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Don't be so sure. I am concerned that it could escalate beyond threats of suicide to threats to harm her and/or the children.
All the more reason to know it's only manipulation. The point is that he only says it to manipulate and control her. If he were to try to harm her for leaving him, it would be an extension of his control tactics. But that he keeps trying to manipulate her his threats of suicide is no reason for her to stay with him.

But you quoted me letting Yeti know there was no point and no reason to call the suicide hotline for his emotional blackmail. That he might escalate to threats of harming her when she leaves him is no reason to call the suicide hotline for his manipulation tactics of threatening suicide.
Respectfully, you DON'T know.

No....you don't.

OP, next time he threatens, call 911.
 

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But perhaps child protective services? It might be good to get something "on record" somewhere. And there's a certain subtext of abuse here as well.
For sure that would be a good idea. And I would add, as I think DeCynthia mentioned, that she should document the threats for evidence if needed later.....because it's also abusive.
 

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"Liking" this doesn't seem appropriate, but I'm in complete agreement. We don't know what this guy is capable of, and threats of suicide could be a cover for his thoughts about bringing down the family with him. Or could be that he wants to go down in a storm of police fire after he's gunned down his own family. Suicide by cop I think it's called?



OP definitely believes he's not stable. She's in a better place to know that than us. Err on the side of caution.
Yeah, it's the whole dark manipulation thing. It's evil, which can escalate quickly.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
 

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Like someone else said, get tested for STD’s. I HIGHLY doubt he hasn’t hired escorts! He’s manipulating you with the suicide threats, and he knows it. I wouldn’t stay married under the circumstances you are in, no way. See a lawyer stat, and I would also start seeing a counselor to discuss making an exit plan. You need to protect yourself and your kids from him.
 

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He is probably calling escorts. He is rude and abusive and unhelpful

You will be much better away from him. This is not what a loving relationship looks like.

Ignore his suicide threats -that is a standard manipulation tactic by abusers. Same for claims that he "loves" you.
 

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I have seen this before. In 1997 to a friend of the family.

Everyone's concern about his instability is true. Anyone who threatens to manipulate the situation with suicide threats (especially one with anger issues) is dangerous enough to take you and the kids with him. Trust me on this one.

Here's what you need to do.

First order of business right now is to get tested for STDs.

If he threatens suicide again tell him this:" I am obligated to call 911 every time you threaten suicide" then follow through.
If he does it again, call 911. And call them every time he does it. For two reasons.
One, you are obligated to call in this situation and two, if he is not serious, he will see that you are.
I had to do this with my son. So I know how its done.

Quietly see a lawyer. One who specializes in abuse situations. Seek assistance from a women's shelter. Carefully and methodically plan your exit when the opportunity is right. DO NOT run, do not bolt. Do not threaten. Keep this to yourself. But prepare to leave.

I really hate advising people to leave but this one is not going to end well. You are miserable and feel trapped. That is no way to live your life.
But please be smart about it.
I wish you peace.
 
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