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He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean. When you know your deeds are going to be disparaged, all the incentive goes away. Especially, any "take charge"..... you simply want to avoid decisions because nothing, but nothing, you do is ever going to be "good enough". He will find fault with it somewhere.

Yours is a case where a good marriage counselor could help. But, he probably won't go, because he wants YOU to change.
 

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You need to be more specific. Is he telling you that he finds you boring in the bedroom? Or, is he saying that you have zero interest in anything other than work, home, work, home etc. Does he want you to plan date nights, vacations, hobbies etc.?
 

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Discussion Starter #23
You need to be more specific. Is he telling you that he finds you boring in the bedroom? Or, is he saying that you have zero interest in anything other than work, home, work, home etc. Does he want you to plan date nights, vacations, hobbies etc.?
Boring in all the above instances.
 

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So, he doesn't have a specific complaint. He just has an overall complaint of "you suck". This tells me you aren't the problem - it's him.

The truth is bored people are just plain boring themselves. He thinks he's a real firecracker and you're just tagging along and not doing your share. News flash for him: He is too old to need a babysitter to entertain him. He needs to learn how to entertain himself without expecting his partner to be his entertainment center.

No, he doesn't have the green light to get another playmate while married to you. He can divorce and find a more compatible person if he chooses and so can you. As @TJW mentioned, nothing you do will ever be enough or good enough. Tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it and to shut the hell up with the whines and insults.
 

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Sometimes it's ok to hit the ignore button when he says something that can be taken as a negative. He may get the idea.

And you keep on as if he didn't say anything, see if your positive train of thought and actions move forward, see what happens.
 

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Sometimes it's ok to hit the ignore button when he says something that can be taken as a negative. He may get the idea.
I tried for a long time to "hit the ignore button". However, I was not good enough at buttoning. So, I went to the doc and got drugs. It's the only way I survive it.

Wellbutrin is an amazing drug. I hear it, I recognize that my stomach should be in knots, I should be praying for death, I should be major-league hurt by what she just said.
But, the emotions don't come.

Better living through chemistry......
 

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Donna you just fed us a load of new information. you mention low confidence, but it seems more a symptom than a cause.
based on what you have told us you do most of the house work, and you often feel tired. You also say that your husband is very good at cleaning but tends to overdo it.
This looks pretty good to me in terms of possibilities. You need to recharge. He is capable of taking a load off of you without you feeling the need to supervise him. A deal could be made.? Part of the "deal" will have to be something exciting, something specific and exciting that you want to do.

One other thing, it seems you aren't getting enough quality time. You probably need some most weeknights. Is there some part of the daily routine that you two can do together?
 

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I feel like I might be going through a mid life crisis.
I don't think I am depressed but I lack motivation and drive to enjoy anything in what would be years now.

I feel lost and confused

I don't really have close friends
I do admit I am not a bundle of joy
I snipped out everything except where you tell us about you, and it sounds like we ought to be concerned.

Leaving him out of the conversation for a minute, how are you? Do you think you should change anything, if so, what?

Before we decide how he ought to fit into your life, we should figure out what your life should look like.

IDK if you're depressed, but lacking motivation to enjoy things is a symptom of depression, and depression isn't something you want to ignore.
 

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I do all the house work from cooking to cleaning. He does occasionally does cleaning and when he does the place looks emaculate. Literally like a display home. Every so often he cracks it and does a full clean. A handful of times a year he will clean.
Ok, so he puts the majority of housework and child care on you. Then he complains because between all that and your job you are tried. His attitude is that of a spoiled brat.

I'm going to suggest that you start pushing more off on him. One way to do this is to just stop doing some of the chores you do that are for him. For example, do you do his laundry? If so just stop. Tell him that you are exhausted and so you are cutting back on some things. He will need to do his own laundry from now on.

I'm suggesting this as I did it years ago. I was married, has my one and my then husband's 2 children (they were all in middle school) and my husband would not lift a finger for anything. I was working full time, more than 40 hours a week. So I told him and the kids that they each had to do their own laundry. I taught the kids how to do theirs… that included their own bed sheets and towels. Once they all figured out that the only way to get clean clothing was to do it themselves, they all learned and did it without complaining. It really cut down on the work I had too do. Plus it taught my children how to take care of themselves. I'm glad that I taught them that.

There are other things you can do such as hand him a shopping list and tell him you need him to go to the store to do the shopping. With the COVID-19 stuff going on right now, you might be able to use this time to your advantage. I'm not sure how it is where you live, but here our grocery stores are now online. I can place a grocery order online and then to pick it up at the store. They just bring the groceries out and put them in my car. If you can do that it's even better. Place your order and then have him pick it up.

What are all the little things that you do for him? What are the things that he can take over? Start putting more responsibility for your home chores on him.

Our child is a teenager so is not so dependant as long as there is wifi ;)
Good.

He is willing to do anything. He says anything is better than nothing. He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.
It sounds like your husband is a person who is just dissatisfied with life and does not have the ability to take responsibility for his own happiness. So instead he's stomping his feet and demanding that you do that too. You do most of the housework. You have spoiled him by not putting your foot down a long time ago on this. So now he also expects you take responsibility for his happiness.

I will give him some credit for one thing. The two of you should be dating and spending quality time together. Quality time means the two of you doing things together that you both enjoy, with no one else involved. Any relationship will wither and die if that's not done. It will be a bit harder right now to come up with things to do because of the COVID-19 situation. I'm assuming that the both of you have to stay at home and cannot go out much. But there are still things you can do.

Maybe we can help you come up with things that you two can do.

So what, if anything, do the two of you do together?
 

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Also, you say that you are just tiered. You need to slow down and take care of yourself. What do you do for yourself? Do you work out? Do you have any hobbies? What do you do to relax?
 

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our child will always come first no matter what. He told me he wishes just for once that I will look after his feeling and enjoyment.
That right there is a HUGE issue.

Your marriage, spouse must come first. Of course this means after meeting the child's needs for safety and security - it in no way means you neglect your child.

I'm not in any way condoning the cruel things your husband is saying to you, the way he's handling this is completely wrong. Does he have a point in some ways though? Have you put all of yourself into your child and neglected the marriage?

You sound very depressed. If I were you I would see your doctor for a full check up, then sit down with your husband and tell him what you're doing, and the two of you can then divide up the housework/childcare so it's fairer. Neither of you should be doing it all, you both made the child, you both should be equally caring for him/her. You both live in the house, you both are responsible for maintaining it.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
I tried for a long time to "hit the ignore button". However, I was not good enough at buttoning. So, I went to the doc and got drugs. It's the only way I survive it.

Wellbutrin is an amazing drug. I hear it, I recognize that my stomach should be in knots, I should be praying for death, I should be major-league hurt by what she just said.
But, the emotions don't come.

Better living through chemistry......
Thanks for your comment but will try and avoid drugs as I have seen side effects it has had on people I know. Glad it's working for you. 🙂
 

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Discussion Starter #34
I snipped out everything except where you tell us about you, and it sounds like we ought to be concerned.

Leaving him out of the conversation for a minute, how are you? Do you think you should change anything, if so, what?

Before we decide how he ought to fit into your life, we should figure out what your life should look like.

IDK if you're depressed, but lacking motivation to enjoy things is a symptom of depression, and depression isn't something you want to ignore.
I would like to spend more time on myself and personal development. I have just started meditation but have to get into habit of doing it regularly.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I did see a psychologist awhile ago when trying to deal with life as it was a bit full on and they said I was all ok as I was functioning ok. I felt like I had to deal with childhood issue but didn't get far hence I stopped see the psychologist.
 

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Discussion Starter #35
Also, you say that you are just tiered. You need to slow down and take care of yourself. What do you do for yourself? Do you work out? Do you have any hobbies? What do you do to relax?
I don't do much out of work. Have just started mediation and need to make sure I do it regularly.
 

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I don't do much out of work. Have just started mediation and need to make sure I do it regularly.
Meditation is a good start!

With the COVID-19 pandemic, I suppose it's hard to get out and do things right now. There is a website, meetup.com, that's set up for getting out and doing things. Once this pandemic is over, you might benefit from checking it out. I know here where i live there are tons of meetups for all sorts of things.... from learning art, gardening, kayaking, book clubs.. the list is endless. Maybe you could find things that you would enjoy doing... and maybe your husband would enjoy some of the too... with you.
 

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I do all the house work from cooking to cleaning. He does occasionally does cleaning and when he does the place looks emaculate. Literally like a display home. Every so often he cracks it and does a full clean. A handful of times a year he will clean.
Big deal. So a few times a year he drags his lazy ass off the couch and stops his whiny griping about how boring you are and actually does something productive. Whoopie. But YOU'RE taxed with the daily workload (as is the case for most women) while working a full time job on top of it. Lucky, lucky you.

Our child is a teenager so is not so dependant as long as there is wifi ;)
Why doesn't the teenager have chores? A little less time playing on his or her phone or game box and a little more responsibility around the house will shape him/her into a much better young adult.

He is willing to do anything. He says anything is better than nothing. He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.[
I'll just bet he's "willing to do anything." And since you're being cryptic saying "you know what I mean<" I can only assume you mean that he's telling you that you're boring in bed and need to step it up.

I'd definitely step it up, alright. With a new partner after kicking his arrogant ass right out the front door.
 

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I would like to spend more time on myself and personal development. I have just started meditation but have to get into habit of doing it regularly.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I did see a psychologist awhile ago when trying to deal with life as it was a bit full on and they said I was all ok as I was functioning ok. I felt like I had to deal with childhood issue but didn't get far hence I stopped see the psychologist.
Thanks for replying, I'm glad to hear the psychologist doesn't think you're depressed.

Imagine for a moment your husband wasn't complaining, would you feel like you do enough fun things? Would you feel like you were happy? If not, what would you like to change?

You said you feel "lost and confused", does this have to do w/ your husband's complaining or something else?
 
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