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Discussion Starter #1
First of all thank you for taking time to read this and comment.
In relationship for over two decade and the last five husband says I'm boring. Well he told me that is generous with that time as it's been most of the relationship. He seems to bring in any type of entertainment or enjoyment to the relationship.
We have tried quite a few out there things but nothing that has stuck and our relationship is dull.
He keeps coming to me and says he is bored and I should appreciate that he comes to me rather than just cheating on me.
I feel like I might be going through a mid life crisis.
I don't think I am depressed but I lack motivation and drive to enjoy anything in what would be years now.
I hold a full time job that I function ok (haven't had any complaints) but exhausted when I get home. I do the household chores and when I point that out he tells me that I am good at mundane thing but no excitement. He says I can do all the mundane things with no problems but when it comes to having fun there's nothing.
I feel lost and confused and told him many times to part ways. When he tells me that he thinks there is nothing inside me I just tell him to end it and for him to find someone who can do it for him. He then goes on about wanting his time back that he has wasted. Tonight he told me he hopes there is recarnation so he can have another go. Which just makes me feel like I want it to end.
He tells me he wants to fix it and just for me to go on a forum and post our situation to see if I can get suggestions on being more fun. He tells me that I don't talk about anything imaginative or creative only about dull and mundane things and what's directly in front of me.
I don't really have close friends I can speak to about this so asking for some advice.
I do admit I am not a bundle of joy and the way I see myself is not what I portray.
Thanks once again and appreciate some feedback.
 

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Hummmm.... I know let him get two jobs, and you stay home and rested so after he showers you can expect him to put on his komo pop the cork on bubbley. Give you that dashingly grin and then he can get to it.

NOT!!!!..... Gonna happen.

He a self absorbed, jerk with only thoughts of himself selfish, and he's not all that. Maybe when he comes home let him make supper plans and if you have kids entertainment for them. Then do the first paragraph.

If he's dependant on returning from the after life to give you another go. Let him know once was enough. And you wouldn't want to waste his time the second time around.
 

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But this is me and I'm a male, but he needs to be called on his crap.
 

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Sounds more like he's having a mid-life crisis. It isn't up to you to make his life exciting. Have him do all the chores and you sit and think what fun thing to do.

Is he maybe fishing to spice up the sex life and he's passive aggressive about telling you?

His words are insulting. How does he respond when you tell him to end it and find someone who will do it for him?
 

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I don’t think he knows how to have fun by himself. He shouldn’t make it your job to do that.

However, one thing he did suggest may actually be helpful to you... engaging in a forum.
Yes forums are great to get advice/opinions. But the best thing if i were you would be to use the forums a place to talk with others about anything. Make virtual friends. There’s just about a forum for any topic or hobby.

I can’t tell you how much this has helped me. Hope it helps you too.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Sounds more like he's having a mid-life crisis. It isn't up to you to make his life exciting. Have him do all the chores and you sit and think what fun thing to do.

Is he maybe fishing to spice up the sex life and he's passive aggressive about telling you?

His words are insulting. How does he respond when you tell him to end it and find someone who will do it for him?
He tells me that he chose me and wants me to have fun with me. He then says if he wanted to go out with someone he doesn't need my permission to do so. He know he can leave but he has a wife and wants me to be more fun and actual do something than just thinking about doing something.
He has given me things he likes but I guess I am not confident enough to take on that leadership role he craves.
He said he has made so many sacrifices and I don't do don't do anything for him. He feels like he is the least important person in the household.
I do agree with him on that but our child will always come first no matter what. He told me he wishes just for once that I will look after his feeling and enjoyment. The joys of marriages.
I do love and care for him but feel like he is not seeing it and we are disconnected which saddens me.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I don’t think he knows how to have fun by himself. He shouldn’t make it your job to do that.

However, one thing he did suggest may actually be helpful to you... engaging in a forum.
Yes forums are great to get advice/opinions. But the best thing if i were you would be to use the forums a place to talk with others about anything. Make virtual friends. There’s just about a forum for any topic or hobby.

I can’t tell you how much this has helped me. Hope it helps you too.
This virtual forum world is all new to me but with self isolation throughout the world might be a great way to make virtual friends.

Thanks for your kind words.
 

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You sound a lot like my stbx. You keep telling him to end it while he is making suggestions. Just know, one day he may end it. Are you prepared for that?
 

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Your child should come first for health and welfare (food, safety, shelter) although the marital relationship is a two-way street in just as many important ways (love, compassion, kindness) and if there are too many detours set up favoring the child when it needn't then frustration will happen as you are experiencing.

We all deserve the confidence that our spouse will take some actions to look after us but if we expect that confidence when it is not given to the level we are looking for and it is not met, then our desires will assuredly lead to disappointment.

The hurt he feels is being expressed by calling you "boring". This reaction is not the best he can muster I'm sure, but it is the best he can do under his circumstances of hurt. He owns as much of this as you do and needs to be aware that your interests are just as important as his... although there seldom is at any given time, there should be an effort to understand balance in all, especially in the promises we make in marriage.

Sometimes it is just your needs met, sometimes just his. but you both should also put the effort in for both needs to be met together as well (joint fun!).

Since he is not here yet (please invite him to participate), what things do you show him he is important in your life?
 

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He tells me that he chose me and wants me to have fun with me. He then says if he wanted to go out with someone he doesn't need my permission to do so. He know he can leave but he has a wife and wants me to be more fun and actual do something than just thinking about doing something.
He has given me things he likes but I guess I am not confident enough to take on that leadership role he craves.
He said he has made so many sacrifices and I don't do don't do anything for him. He feels like he is the least important person in the household.
I do agree with him on that but our child will always come first no matter what. He told me he wishes just for once that I will look after his feeling and enjoyment. The joys of marriages.
I do love and care for him but feel like he is not seeing it and we are disconnected which saddens me.
I don't disagree with you that he could take on a leadership role himself and certainly be more clear and tactful, saying what he really means.

That said where you said the child or children will always come first and you've repeatedly told him that, over a period of time, that's many, many times the on ramp to destruction for a married couple.

A M couple is a couple first, then moms/dad's, or in a great number of cases the relationship sours thus causing problems that separates mom and dad.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have an equal partner in chores, goals, each does their part but I am saying if you aren't telling him he's first in your life, then he likely feels like a meal ticket, and just may act like you're not first in his life either. How would that feel?

I'm not "taking his side", just trying to demonstrate their may be two sides here.

Or not, maybe there's more to the story.

Hang in there.
 

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When I feel that way it is because I have heard "no" too much. I had a friend who had multiple marriages. 3rd time was the charm and he seemed to have gotten his picker fixed. But after several years they went through a patch where he just wasn't interested in her. His thinking was that it was because in the past at that point he would just get a new wife, but he didn't want to do that any more. The did stay together until she died (cancer).
Personally I think and old comfortable relationship is secure, but it can still be fun in the bedroom. If the partners are willing, and if they both bring their best game. as much as I complain we have 2 or 3 good nights every year where all the stars line up. It could happen more. No's are holding us back, What do you think is holding you back?
 

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You sound a lot like my stbx. You keep telling him to end it while he is making suggestions. Just know, one day he may end it. Are you prepared for that?
She should be so lucky.

OP, what kinds of things is your husband wanting or expecting you to do? Are we talking about bedroom things, like maybe he wants to bring another person in or something? Are we talking about traveling and going on adventures? It certainly is hard to work up any enthusiasm to do things with someone who insults you all the time.




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donna76,

You say that you have a job and you do the housework. I have some questions about this.

How much of the housework, cooking, shopping, etc. does your husband do? How much of the childcare does he do?

How old is your child?

What sort of things has your husband suggested to do that he thinks would be more exciting?
 

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I feel like I might be going through a mid life crisis.
I don't think I am depressed but I lack motivation and drive to enjoy anything in what would be years now.
I'd be willing to bet you don't lack motivation and drive at all. You just don't "enjoy anything" that your husband defines as "enjoyable". Tell me, what about the things that YOU find enjoyable.....do you lack motivation and drive to do them ???

I wonder if you are introverted and your husband is extroverted. My wife and I are extreme opposites in how we obtain our "recharge". If I revealed my true self, I am happiest when I'm alone.
I don't enjoy or get fulfillment from the same things my wife does. Example, she goes to the casino and gambles recreationally. My money comes with far too much effort for me to want to squander it on any such foolishness. I am an engineer and I fully understand that in the average, the casino is going to win and is going to take my money away. But, I have accepted that I must go with her to the casino, and sit in the bar, have a beer, and watch sports while she has some "fun". Dear God, I'd rather take a cold-water enema.

She accuses me of being "Mr. Spock". I might say she is "Dr. McCoy"....She is giving me a sharp criticism, I am receiving a meritorious accolade :)

My wife tries to psychoanalyze "why" I became such a human aberration. See, there are more of "them" than there are of "me", so I must be "wrong". It must have been "done to me by my parents", because I "was an only child", because I "missed key things growing up"..... etc., etc.

I try to be thankful for her gift. There are times when extrovertedness "pays". However, she lacks thankfulness for my introversion.....because "we have no life".

Tonight he told me he hopes there is recarnation so he can have another go.
With the way he is treating you, he should be told that he may as well put his hope in reincarnation, because unless he repents of his sin and selfishness, and turns to his Lord for forgiveness and restoration, he has absolutely no chance whatsoever to attain a pleasant afterlife.

And, the bible teaches there is no such thing as "another go", he should strive to make his peace with God NOW while there is still time. And, that his key repentance should be to turn from his ingratitude and be thankful that he has a wife willing to make all the sacrifices for him.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Your child should come first for health and welfare (food, safety, shelter) although the marital relationship is a two-way street in just as many important ways (love, compassion, kindness) and if there are too many detours set up favoring the child when it needn't then frustration will happen as you are experiencing.

We all deserve the confidence that our spouse will take some actions to look after us but if we expect that confidence when it is not given to the level we are looking for and it is not met, then our desires will assuredly lead to disappointment.

The hurt he feels is being expressed by calling you "boring". This reaction is not the best he can muster I'm sure, but it is the best he can do under his circumstances of hurt. He owns as much of this as you do and needs to be aware that your interests are just as important as his... although there seldom is at any given time, there should be an effort to understand balance in all, especially in the promises we make in marriage.

Sometimes it is just your needs met, sometimes just his. but you both should also put the effort in for both needs to be met together as well (joint fun!).

Since he is not here yet (please invite him to participate), what things do you show him he is important in your life?
Thank you :)
When I feel that way it is because I have heard "no" too much. I had a friend who had multiple marriages. 3rd time was the charm and he seemed to have gotten his picker fixed. But after several years they went through a patch where he just wasn't interested in her. His thinking was that it was because in the past at that point he would just get a new wife, but he didn't want to do that any more. The did stay together until she died (cancer).
Personally I think and old comfortable relationship is secure, but it can still be fun in the bedroom. If the partners are willing, and if they both bring their best game. as much as I complain we have 2 or 3 good nights every year where all the stars line up. It could happen more. No's are holding us back, What do you think is holding you back?
Not sure what's holding me back - lack of confidence? It's like I want to move forward but need to just push that negativity that I am hearing from him. Some days I have no idea.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Sounds more like he's having a mid-life crisis. It isn't up to you to make his life exciting. Have him do all the chores and you sit and think what fun thing to do.

Is he maybe fishing to spice up the sex life and he's passive aggressive about telling you?

His words are insulting. How does he respond when you tell him to end it and find someone who will do it for him?
He sometimes say he doesn't want to waste more time, other times he says but I picked you and other times he says maybe he should.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
When I feel that way it is because I have heard "no" too much. I had a friend who had multiple marriages. 3rd time was the charm and he seemed to have gotten his picker fixed. But after several years they went through a patch where he just wasn't interested in her. His thinking was that it was because in the past at that point he would just get a new wife, but he didn't want to do that any more. The did stay together until she died (cancer).
Personally I think and old comfortable remould lationship is secure, but it can still be fun in the bedroom. If the partners are willing, and if they both bring their best game. as much as I complain we have 2 or 3 good nights every year where all the stars line up. It could happen more. No's are holding us back, What do you think is holding you back?
I have no idea if I did I would push through it to make things better.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
donna76,

You say that you have a job and you do the housework. I have some questions about this.

How much of the housework, cooking, shopping, etc. does your husband do? How much of the childcare does he do?

How old is your child?

What sort of things has your husband suggested to do that he thinks would be more exciting?
I do all the house work from cooking to cleaning. He does occasionally does cleaning and when he does the place looks emaculate. Literally like a display home. Every so often he cracks it and does a full clean. A handful of times a year he will clean.

Our child is a teenager so is not so dependant as long as there is wifi ;)

He is willing to do anything. He says anything is better than nothing. He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.
 
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