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Is it okay for a husband to say "I love you" to another woman?

  • Yes.

    Votes: 1 3.7%
  • Yes, if she is gay.

    Votes: 2 7.4%
  • No, never.

    Votes: 3 11.1%
  • No, unless she is a family member.

    Votes: 22 81.5%
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Please reply with your thoughts!

My husband's best friend is a woman and they say I love you to each other.

She is gay, but I was uncomfortable with this practice, so I explained to him it was not appropriate to say those words to another woman other than his wife and his family members. (Side note... he liked her for several years and they even dated for a few months until she broke up with him. Then a couple years later, she came out of the closest). He agreed, apologized, promised to stop and stated he would tell his friend. Now I noticed they have been exchanging "I love yous" again.

I feel betrayed that he agreed to stop, but has begun it again. I was uncomfortable with it before, and now I am upset that he is secretly expressing those words again. In a way, it makes me question my trust in him and I don't even believe he talked to her about it in the first place. I suppose I want to know if I am overreacting and if my feelings are unfounded? Do other people feel that in these circumstances, it it acceptable to say I love you to another woman?

Thanks in advance for any advice or insight you may have!
 

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I don't think I would be okay if my husband/partner said I Love You to another woman, especially one that he had dated before. Have you asked him about his feelings for her?

I've heard my boyfriend say "I Love You, Man" to a male friend of his, who he has known for 20+ years. Of course I didn't have a problem with that. Now if he had said the same thing to a female friend who he had known for 20+ years, it would have made me feel very uncomfortable. Call it double standards, but that's how I'd feel.

I guess you need to try to determine the root cause of the issue. Assuming he has no feelings/interest for this friend of his, why does him saying I Love You to her make you feel uncomfortable? Maybe he is not saying I Love You to you quite enough? Maybe he is not being affectionate towards you?

Think about it: maybe some of your needs are not being met and that's why you are feeling this way. If he expressed his love to you more often/strongly, would it still bother you? Maybe you are not feeling secure enough in your relationship?
 

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She sounds bi, not lesbian. Have you seen her with other women or is this the classic "she's a lesbian" cheater story? Most cheaters say this so the wife is not worried.
He also dated her, I'm sorry but, he needs to stop any contact with her. Before you do anything else, I suggest you stop complaining pretend everything is ok and start searching its highly possible they are having an affair. Look for emails, secret email accounts, read all text, and of you think he's seeing her behind your back or he leaves for hours VAR his car.

If you complain without evidence you will hear the following:

You're crazy, paranoid, insecure. I can't have any friends, you are controlling, I feel that you don't trust me.

Also read up on "not just friends" by Shirley Glass
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"I Love You" is for me a very special and emotive expression.

I cannot imagine wanting to say that to any women outside of my immediate family (wife, daughters, sister, mother etc). For other people it is just a "throw away line" they right it on the bottom of cards and drop it into conversations seemingly "willy nilly".

As you have already had an agreement from your husband in the past that he would not use "Love You" to this particular woman then you are right to expect him to stick to that agreement.
The fact that they did previously date would raise concerns for me even if she "says" she is "Gay". Plenty of people who consider themselves to be "Gay" have had physical / sexual relationships with people of the opposite sex.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Wonder2woman: thanks fr your reply!! I also think it is wrong because he would never say it to a guy friend. He's just not that kind of guy. So then it is not okay for him to say it to a gay woman or any woman.
Wiltshireman: it is a very meaningful expression for me too. So when we originally discussed this I conveyed that and thought we were on the same page. Seems not. I don't say I love you to any friends at all. I have just started replying to my husbands mother telling me she loves me but it hard. The words are supposed to be special. It makes me sad that he is just ignoring my concerns completely. It hurts me. Thank you for your insight!
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You are very welcome!

I agree. He is not taking your feelings into consideration.

How would he feel if you told a male friend of yours "I love you"?
 

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I think it depends what is meant by the words 'I love you'. Jesus said 'love one another', so in that sense Christians ought arguably to be saying it to everybody frequently.

As I recall, there is a distinction made between 'agape' (non-erotic love) and 'eros'. In the first sense, it should not be a problem. In the latter sense, yes of course it is not ok if it is directed to someone who is not you.

Words, words, words.......
 

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I think the fact that he's still actively friends with a woman he dated is likely asking for long-term problems, whether he verbalizes feelings with "I love you" or not. Did they sleep together?

I think it may be time to have a serious conversation about this friendship.
 

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I have several very dear male friends who I've known since childhood. I used to tell them "I love you" all of the time and sign emails "love," but I stopped doing that when I got married. I still love them dearly, and now that 2 of them are married with kids, I'll often tell them "we love you guys," because that's totally true--my family loves their family. The one guy who's still single doesn't get any lovin' though. Well, that's probably not true, I'm so in the habit of saying it that I've probably said it just out of habit, but again it'll be a "WE love you" or "we miss you" kind of thing. With my girlfriends though, I just say I love you. Kind of a double standard, but also one that just recognizes biology for what it is.

So, yeah, "I love you" is inappropriate. If he wants to convey to her how much she is loved, he can say "we love you."
 

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Not okay to tell ex's that you love them.

Really not okay to say you will stop & keep doing it behind your spouse's back.

I suspect he still has strong feelings for her.
 

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Maybe I'm wrong but I don't and never have said "I love you" to anyone other then my H or past BF's. Family and friends would get a "luv ya". I take saying I love you as something very intimate and should only be used in that setting. My H and I both have the same view on this so maybe you should tell your H if it bothers you.
 

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I say "I love you" to my gay friends that I've known for so long they've become like family to me.

I also say it to my cat, all the time. And to my family.

It means something different in those cases than when I say it to my SO.
 
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