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I don’t understand why you want so badly to stay in a marriage when your husband doesn’t spend time with the family, doesn’t respect nor honor you and ignores you for days at a time and yells at you when you do communicate with him.

Really, seems like you’d be better off without him - so you can also pursue all your dreams that were placed on the back burner.

Stop catering to a man who neglects and mistreats you.
 

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It sounds to me as there is a lot of resentment and tension between the two of you that needs to be worked through first before his interest in sex is likely to return. If you're arguing a lot then it's difficult to feel the desire to be intimate with the person that you're arguing with all the time. I say this because my Husband and I haven't had sex for over two years, we've had a lot of issues we've been trying to work through and not wanting to have sex with somebody you don't feel emotionally close to goes both ways.
 

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It sounds to me as there is a lot of resentment and tension between the two of you that needs to be worked through first before his interest in sex is likely to return. If you're arguing a lot then it's difficult to feel the desire to be intimate with the person that you're arguing with all the time. I say this because my Husband and I haven't had sex for over two years, we've had a lot of issues we've been trying to work through and not wanting to have sex with somebody you don't feel emotionally close to goes both ways.
I wonder if sex will ever come back. I haven't had sex with my wife for over 3 years because of our issues, but she is not prepared to make an effort (i.e. basically forgive me for what I've done - I have forgiven her for what she's done - I'm not talking about infidelity, just relationship stuff), so it's up to me if I stay in the marriage or not. And I won't stay. Since you are a woman... :) do you think your sexual relationship will ever come alive again?
 

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I have a different perspective than most....My feeling is that if sex becomes so infrequent or non existent, and it's not because of extenuating circumstances(someone ill, or on some distant work detail) then trying to coerce it, talk about it, beg for it, whatever.....almost never works...

Who knows the true reasons...It could be a million things...maybe you don't take care of yourself the same way you used to, maybe he has ED issues and doesn't want to talk or do anything about it, etc..The fact that he is totally immersed in work is telling...Guys will do this to get away from a home life that is undesirable in his eyes...

The age he is at is pivotal for a lot of men...I can't speak for all, but once I hit mid 40's I started to hear frequently how guys I know my age were dying...Once I hit 50, then it was scary frequent...I don't believe women nearly stress as much as guys do about their mortality...A lot of women act as though they are going to live to 150...Once the reality pf mortality creeps in, then people start to look more critically about their lives and what's left of it...Again, I am not saying this is the case, just some observations I have made in my own life...

If you have ever seen the movie "American Beauty" you get a really good feel about what some men go through when they are at this phase...They have spent their lives working like a donkey,-wife and kids happy and enjoying life, while he is alone and crying in his beer...It's relatively common...

At the end of the day, you may never find out why he's so resentful...Maybe he's just bored of you? Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt as well....And you are doing yourself no favors by nagging and pestering him..I guess you can try counseling, but if he's said that directly to your face(he doesn't want to bang you) then I don't know where to go from there...Good luck...
 

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I wonder if sex will ever come back. I haven't had sex with my wife for over 3 years because of our issues, but she is not prepared to make an effort (i.e. basically forgive me for what I've done - I have forgiven her for what she's done - I'm not talking about infidelity, just relationship stuff), so it's up to me if I stay in the marriage or not. And I won't stay. Since you are a woman... :) do you think your sexual relationship will ever come alive again?
I'm not feeling like it will at the moment. The issues definitely have to be sorted first to get the emotional connection back.
 

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I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.
What issues? They may be relevant to him....

The issues definitely have to be sorted first to get the emotional connection back.
This applies to a lot of things in a lot of relationships. Well said.
 

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I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.
Ya. I'm getting that you might need to be firm and calmly take a stand.

If he won't even communicate or be willing to get help, you are stuck with doing the marriage his way, not acceptable, or any number of things for yourself.

You can start being more independent and start phasing him out of your decision making process.

He isn't considering your needs not has he shown any intention to do so.

You should start letting him tend to his own needs then while you take care of yourself and your kiddos.

Start finding interests, hobbies and activities outside of your relationship with him.

You need to start disconnecting from him because he isn't committed to even trying to care for your needs.
 

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I haven't read every post in this thread, but it seems like a situation where the OP gave up her dreams and now dedicates her life to making the home and marriage work while the husband is no longer interested and feels pressured for sex.

This is the typical scenario outlined in the book No More Mr Nice Guy but with the gender roles reversed. And at one point the OP's husband said that if the wife wants a nice life that she needs to go and figure that out for herself. HELLO! What he doesn't realize is that if the OP does so it will likely represent a dramatic change in lifestyle for him... but that is probably what needs to happen here.

That doesn't mean divorce but it means that the OP should NOT be sacrificing her dreams anymore. She needs to pursue them even if doing so seems selfish. That will create a dynamic in which the OP's husband no longer feels responsible/guilty for his wife's lack of happiness. She will become responsible for that herself and pursue her own self development. Odds are that doing so will make her look attractive to her husband again. She will of course no longer need him for validation and he will need her (thus he will begin desiring and chasing her again if it is not too late).

My advice to the OP is to visualize yourself having to date again. Reverse the roles so that in this visualization that you date a man exactly as you have described yourself. So this would be a man that sacrificed all his dreams to take care of his wife. He stays home to cook and clean for her and feels resentful because she starves him for intimacy. ... exactly what would a relationship with this person be like? Would you have an issue with the fact that he gave up all his dreams and no longer tries to pursue them? Would you fight over who gets to cook for the other? If the food he cooked tasted bad, would you complain to him? If he din't put things back in the kitchen the way you like them, would that cause a problem? Now it is not all that bad, some parts of this imaginary relationship would be great. The point of this exercise is just to help you visualize yourself in a way that may be helpful/insightful towards working toward improving things.

At the end of the day I'm afraid your husband is exactly right. If you want to be happy you need to go figure out what that is on your own and do not hold him responsible for it. He needs to come home to find you already happy and with exciting things that you want to share with him that hopefully he will appreciate.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Your marriage is a mess woman. You have a man that doesn't care about a relationship with his wife or kids. He is being selfish. He probably always was. Once he got you, he stopped trying to win you over. YOU need to change this. Stop pursuing him. He doesn't deserve the family he has. Live your lives without him. He said you should. Take him on his words. He will not like it. You need to do things with your kids. If he doesn't want to do them, then leave him out! Selfish jerk needs to grow up. 20 years of crap is what he gave you in return for all that love and devotion. He screams at you? Don't tolerate it. Walk out and away for hours. Enjoy a movie or two, heck maybe 3! Dissapear for hours to a spa or just window shopping. Stop asking him for anything. He is a screaming bully!
 

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Discussion Starter · #52 ·
Not relevant, are you sure?

There are more connections than you may be giving credit to... some of the things I shared earlier I learned from the RAIN mindfulness tool, below is it in full for your reading but feel free to dismiss if you feel it doesn't apply:

RAIN Mindfulness Tool

1. R
Recognize what is happening

2. A Allow life to be just as it is

3. I Investigate inner experience

4. N Non-Identification

Here’s how you can use the RAIN method in a difficult time…

R: The “R” in the R.A.I.N method stands for ‘Recognize.’
Take a moment to recognize that a strong emotion is present and gently turn towards what you’re experiencing in an open and non-judgemental way.

Tune in to the direct present moment experience of what is happening in your body and mind… the emotions, the thoughts and sensations that are here.

It can be helpful to mentally name it, for example, “I am feeling stressed” or “I am feeling overwhelmed.” This recognition of what your feeling, opens up inner space and brings you into full contact with yourself and the actuality of the present moment.


A: The “A” in R.A.I.N stands for ‘Allow.’
Allowing means to ‘let it be as it is.’ It is the acknowledgement and acceptance of your present moment reality. Allowing doesn’t mean we have to like the situation. It means we aims to soften (or drop) our mental resistance to what is happening.

The reason this is so important is because we often have the unconscious impulse to push away, suppress or ignore difficult emotions. When we engage in an inner struggle in these ways, we unknowingly create more suffering and tension.

In this unconscious struggle we also tend to get ‘caught up’ in our thoughts and emotions, therefore we are more likely to react rather than being able to choose a conscious response.

By allowing, we’re able to bring an inner ‘yes’ to our present moment experience. You may notice almost immediately a sense of softening and ease around the emotion.


I: The “I” in the R.A.I.N. exercise stands for ‘Investigate.’
Now that you have recognized and allowed this emotion you can choose to investigate it. You may not always feel you need the “I” step as sometimes just the recognition and acceptance is enough. At other times you may feel naturally drawn to using this step.

So to investigate, you can mentally enquire with questions like “Why do I feel the way I do?” “Are there events that happened ahead of the emotion that might have influenced it?” “Are there physiological factors (Such as not getting enough sleep) that are affecting the emotion?” “What do I really need right now?” “Are there actions I could take to nurture and support myself (and/or others) in this difficult time?”

These questions can help us come into wiser relationship with emotions and thoughts. With this process of investigation we can also choose a conscious response to foster a more meaningful life. Investigation may even resolve and dissolve the emotion completely at times (although it is not the goal).


N: The “N” stands for ‘Non-identification.’
In the “N” step of R.A.I.N, you turn your attention to the simple realization that YOU are not your mind nor are you your emotions. You are the awareness that is always there underneath every thought, emotion and sense perception.

Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not fused with or defined by your thoughts and emotions. This brings about a natural sense of freedom and ease. It gives a sense of having peace in the middle of it all. No matter how intense and painful the emotional storm, there is always a part of you which is still, silent and untouched.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s an awesome read!!!!!
 

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A man saying he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife is a very powerful statement.

Since he doesn’t appear to be packing his bags to move on to someone he wants a love life with, I would be curious to know what he DOES want from you?

A housekeeper? A cook? A babysitter? A nurse with a purse?

If he doesn’t want sex, then what utility is he wanting to extract from you?

And the more important question is, are you willing to continue to provide that, knowing he doesn’t want a sex life with you?
 

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When did the sex drop off? Has he had his T level checked? People tend to jump on the cheating train when guy is not interrested in sex. If guy is over 35 first and formost check T levels.
People jumping to say cheating is like sayong a woman behaving differently going in to menopause must be cheating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #56 ·
So you have no evidence he masturbates other than he rarely has sex with you? And because he lies about other things you assume he lies about masturbation?

You might be putting him into a lose-lose situation. It's terrible that he lies, but you come off a bit forcefully and it's possible he's scared to give you a truthful answer because of how he thinks you'll react. And that might be the core of the "harassment" issue. The path you're going is not one that is going to make him comfortable opening up and being honest with you.

And the 20 years thing, why would he live with you if he wasn't happy? Spend time here and you'll find that's closer to normal than you'd think. There are so many reasons people put up with things they shouldn't, and this gets misread by their partners as a sign of contentment. Momentum, kids, mental weakness, lots of things.

If you're not in individual counseling yet, I'd recommend it. Possibly for him too (but it needs to be his idea). I wouldn't get into marriage counseling until the two of you can have a conversation in which both of you feel like you've had a chance to be honest and talk about your issues. Otherwise he's going to see it as "harassment."
No evidence, I wished I had, that would put this doubt to rest!
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
When did the sex drop off? Has he had his T level checked? People tend to jump on the cheating train when guy is not interrested in sex. If guy is over 35 first and formost check T levels.
People jumping to say cheating is like sayong a woman behaving differently going in to menopause must be cheating.
He had a physical routine and he did have his T levels checked, everything was notmal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #58 ·
Ya. I'm getting that you might need to be firm and calmly take a stand.

If he won't even communicate or be willing to get help, you are stuck with doing the marriage his way, not acceptable, or any number of things for yourself.

You can start being more independent and start phasing him out of your decision making process.

He isn't considering your needs not has he shown any intention to do so.

You should start letting him tend to his own needs then while you take care of yourself and your kiddos.

Start finding interests, hobbies and activities outside of your relationship with him.

You need to start disconnecting from him because he isn't committed to even trying to care for your needs.
It seriously gets frustrating:( And I decide on not doing anything at all for him, no making tea/coffee, making lunches/dinners for him, but that is where the problem is, I end up doinf everything, thinking “That is wrong, he is the one who brings money afterall!”
I don’t work and am entirely dependent on him!
 

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Discussion Starter · #59 ·
Yes, you did mention you could be assuming, but I would, as you say, assume that you understand you have an entirely different set of issues if your assumption is not correct.

Could you have a conversation with your husband about de-escalating things? Starting over, clearing the air, no assumptions? Could you admit to him that you might at times jump the gun about things, creating extra stress & anxiety that doesn't need to be there? That becoming closer and opening up about the issues each of you has might be pretty painful at first but you can't fix what you don't know, and right now your marriage needs fixing?

If you just want someone to blame things on, then hire an attorney and get a divorce going. If you still feel you love this guy, you need to explore the de-escalation route and open up clear channels of communication. Things might not be what you think. Or what he thinks.
I always wished we could have a quiet, meaningful conversation! But he starts the blaming game, “you said this, you said that!” And these past days, he says something and then twists and turns the whole things, saying “I never said that!” And the yelling, it is intolerable, yet I have to bear with it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
I don’t understand why you want so badly to stay in a marriage when your husband doesn’t spend time with the family, doesn’t respect nor honor you and ignores you for days at a time and yells at you when you do communicate with him.

Really, seems like you’d be better off without him - so you can also pursue all your dreams that were placed on the back burner.

Stop catering to a man who neglects and mistreats you.
Honestly, at this point I am not sure what I want to do:(
And I think about the Kids mostly, and I am fully dependent upon him. He knows that and probably takes advantage of the situation!
 
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