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Believe, your old man is more than likely dipping his wick in somebody elses ink well. Your solution is not desirable but it is simple--you know the old saying, "one person's trash is somebody else's treasure".
Plenty of folks on this site, and beyond, patiently wait, beg, plead, negotiate, cry, threaten, suffer years of feeling inadequate, et cetera, trying to re-heat a broken oven. They live their lives in desperation, and want, hoping that the person who promised them a quality companionship is now starving them of intimacy, a required component of marriage/relationship and a human need, will eventually come back around. It likely won't happen.
He's the one breaching the contract. In business and in life, when a person breaches a contract, its often times better to replace them or at least temporarily substitute them until they can get their act together. Chances are you are going to have to do one or the other or mentally die from a thousand cuts of his perennial rejection.
 

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Looking back over the 26 years that you have been together would you say that the two of you were like two peas in a pod, inseparable? Or was it more that you got the feeling he was trying to remain single, like a bachelor, inside the marriage? When you sit and talk about issues that have been a soar spot between you does he contribute to the conversation or is he just listening to you and waiting for the conversation to stop? When you find out he is playing tennis with his buddies instead of doing what he had told you he was going to do, how do you react?

I get the picture of a man who wants to do his thing without having to feel he needs to answer to you or anyone and because he is feeling he can't please you he is turning away from you. I also feel he probably does not communicate well and rather than expressing his feelings he is letting his hard feelings stew within himself. Who is going to pay for his hard feelings? Of course you, you have become a source of his pain and you did not even realize it. My suggestion is counseling. Once you reach a point where a spouse no longer wants to have sex the marriage is over, in my opinion.
 

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Hi All,
We have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids. Have had ups and downs in our marriage, tried and still trying to cope with the situation/issues. My husband today said that he doesn’t feel like having sex with me because I have been harassing him! And what is the harassment? That I tell him he lies a lot and masturbates! I have many reasons why I say so! About telling him that he masturbates, what led me to say so? He barely has sex with me, and I know I might be assuming, might be wrong, but it’s only because he hardly does it even though I have brought it up several times! We do have arguments, many in fact, but am doing what needs to be done, taking care of the house, cooking and even taking care of my Husband. But then, what about me? Who is thinking about me?
And today, today was the limit! Not sure what I should do when my husband tells me he doesn’t feel like having sex with me!
I know he isn’t having an affair or anything.
I am 100% about that. I am in total distress and lost.
Please advise me.
If I was harassing him, why would he live with me for the last 20 years? There should be something good about me!
So you have no evidence he masturbates other than he rarely has sex with you? And because he lies about other things you assume he lies about masturbation?

You might be putting him into a lose-lose situation. It's terrible that he lies, but you come off a bit forcefully and it's possible he's scared to give you a truthful answer because of how he thinks you'll react. And that might be the core of the "harassment" issue. The path you're going is not one that is going to make him comfortable opening up and being honest with you.

And the 20 years thing, why would he live with you if he wasn't happy? Spend time here and you'll find that's closer to normal than you'd think. There are so many reasons people put up with things they shouldn't, and this gets misread by their partners as a sign of contentment. Momentum, kids, mental weakness, lots of things.

If you're not in individual counseling yet, I'd recommend it. Possibly for him too (but it needs to be his idea). I wouldn't get into marriage counseling until the two of you can have a conversation in which both of you feel like you've had a chance to be honest and talk about your issues. Otherwise he's going to see it as "harassment."
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
You could both benefit from some counseling or working on your communication techniques so you make progress in a positive way.
I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.
 

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When one lies it usually comes from too much fear or desire coupled with too little respect... as you described the concern I believe like another poster, that his lyng may be more out of fear of conflict.

Are there other areas he is less than truthful in or just this one?

In the middle of my last marriage of 28 years as I was struggling to find a healthy way to express my disappointments and not argue fire with fire, I was constantly accused of not being truthful. The "truth", was in order to avoid conflict I became aware that "to me" I was not lying, I was just not filling in all the blanks and thus from fear of yet another fight or harassment was not mistruthful but actually lying by omission. It was a more unconscious action at the time, in a sense self-preservation of not feeling belittled for the way I felt, but as I became aware of it I had a whole other issue to work through as I was ashamed now of myself that I had become that which I judged in others.

Fear is powerful... I've literally looked down the barrel of death and lost that fear to find that while I had lost such an incredibly personal fear, I could not face any more arguments with my spouse at the time and thus hid from something far less ending. I stayed in that marriage another 14 years growing to love myself more through loving-kindness although while it really did not matter much for the relationship, it was life-changing for me.

Doesn't matter which side, when our spouse berates us for something, our desire for them goes pretty much "meh".

If your mind is angry all the time your words and actions will follow...spend a few moments and think about the cyclic effects and results of hurt. You are not defined by your thoughts and emotions so take a moment to breathe and understand why you feel the way you do. Don't try to control the conversation as you look at what you need to nurture and support yourself and others in such discussions, and accept that it will not always give you the outcome you want every time.

This is but one path to compassion... love yourself more, love others better.
 

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I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.
Not relevant, are you sure?

There are more connections than you may be giving credit to... some of the things I shared earlier I learned from the RAIN mindfulness tool, below is it in full for your reading but feel free to dismiss if you feel it doesn't apply:

RAIN Mindfulness Tool

1. R
Recognize what is happening

2. A Allow life to be just as it is

3. I Investigate inner experience

4. N Non-Identification

Here’s how you can use the RAIN method in a difficult time…

R: The “R” in the R.A.I.N method stands for ‘Recognize.’
Take a moment to recognize that a strong emotion is present and gently turn towards what you’re experiencing in an open and non-judgemental way.

Tune in to the direct present moment experience of what is happening in your body and mind… the emotions, the thoughts and sensations that are here.

It can be helpful to mentally name it, for example, “I am feeling stressed” or “I am feeling overwhelmed.” This recognition of what your feeling, opens up inner space and brings you into full contact with yourself and the actuality of the present moment.


A: The “A” in R.A.I.N stands for ‘Allow.’
Allowing means to ‘let it be as it is.’ It is the acknowledgement and acceptance of your present moment reality. Allowing doesn’t mean we have to like the situation. It means we aims to soften (or drop) our mental resistance to what is happening.

The reason this is so important is because we often have the unconscious impulse to push away, suppress or ignore difficult emotions. When we engage in an inner struggle in these ways, we unknowingly create more suffering and tension.

In this unconscious struggle we also tend to get ‘caught up’ in our thoughts and emotions, therefore we are more likely to react rather than being able to choose a conscious response.

By allowing, we’re able to bring an inner ‘yes’ to our present moment experience. You may notice almost immediately a sense of softening and ease around the emotion.


I: The “I” in the R.A.I.N. exercise stands for ‘Investigate.’
Now that you have recognized and allowed this emotion you can choose to investigate it. You may not always feel you need the “I” step as sometimes just the recognition and acceptance is enough. At other times you may feel naturally drawn to using this step.

So to investigate, you can mentally enquire with questions like “Why do I feel the way I do?” “Are there events that happened ahead of the emotion that might have influenced it?” “Are there physiological factors (Such as not getting enough sleep) that are affecting the emotion?” “What do I really need right now?” “Are there actions I could take to nurture and support myself (and/or others) in this difficult time?”

These questions can help us come into wiser relationship with emotions and thoughts. With this process of investigation we can also choose a conscious response to foster a more meaningful life. Investigation may even resolve and dissolve the emotion completely at times (although it is not the goal).


N: The “N” stands for ‘Non-identification.’
In the “N” step of R.A.I.N, you turn your attention to the simple realization that YOU are not your mind nor are you your emotions. You are the awareness that is always there underneath every thought, emotion and sense perception.

Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not fused with or defined by your thoughts and emotions. This brings about a natural sense of freedom and ease. It gives a sense of having peace in the middle of it all. No matter how intense and painful the emotional storm, there is always a part of you which is still, silent and untouched.
 

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Not relevant, are you sure?

There are more connections than you may be giving credit to... some of the things I shared earlier I learned from the RAIN mindfulness tool, below is it in full for your reading but feel free to dismiss if you feel it doesn't apply:

RAIN Mindfulness Tool

1. R
Recognize what is happening

2. A Allow life to be just as it is

3. I Investigate inner experience

4. N Non-Identification

Here’s how you can use the RAIN method in a difficult time…

R: The “R” in the R.A.I.N method stands for ‘Recognize.’
Take a moment to recognize that a strong emotion is present and gently turn towards what you’re experiencing in an open and non-judgemental way.

Tune in to the direct present moment experience of what is happening in your body and mind… the emotions, the thoughts and sensations that are here.

It can be helpful to mentally name it, for example, “I am feeling stressed” or “I am feeling overwhelmed.” This recognition of what your feeling, opens up inner space and brings you into full contact with yourself and the actuality of the present moment.


A: The “A” in R.A.I.N stands for ‘Allow.’
Allowing means to ‘let it be as it is.’ It is the acknowledgement and acceptance of your present moment reality. Allowing doesn’t mean we have to like the situation. It means we aims to soften (or drop) our mental resistance to what is happening.

The reason this is so important is because we often have the unconscious impulse to push away, suppress or ignore difficult emotions. When we engage in an inner struggle in these ways, we unknowingly create more suffering and tension.

In this unconscious struggle we also tend to get ‘caught up’ in our thoughts and emotions, therefore we are more likely to react rather than being able to choose a conscious response.

By allowing, we’re able to bring an inner ‘yes’ to our present moment experience. You may notice almost immediately a sense of softening and ease around the emotion.


I: The “I” in the R.A.I.N. exercise stands for ‘Investigate.’
Now that you have recognized and allowed this emotion you can choose to investigate it. You may not always feel you need the “I” step as sometimes just the recognition and acceptance is enough. At other times you may feel naturally drawn to using this step.

So to investigate, you can mentally enquire with questions like “Why do I feel the way I do?” “Are there events that happened ahead of the emotion that might have influenced it?” “Are there physiological factors (Such as not getting enough sleep) that are affecting the emotion?” “What do I really need right now?” “Are there actions I could take to nurture and support myself (and/or others) in this difficult time?”

These questions can help us come into wiser relationship with emotions and thoughts. With this process of investigation we can also choose a conscious response to foster a more meaningful life. Investigation may even resolve and dissolve the emotion completely at times (although it is not the goal).


N: The “N” stands for ‘Non-identification.’
In the “N” step of R.A.I.N, you turn your attention to the simple realization that YOU are not your mind nor are you your emotions. You are the awareness that is always there underneath every thought, emotion and sense perception.

Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not fused with or defined by your thoughts and emotions. This brings about a natural sense of freedom and ease. It gives a sense of having peace in the middle of it all. No matter how intense and painful the emotional storm, there is always a part of you which is still, silent and untouched.
THIS is BRILLIANT!!!!! Thank you!

Maybe you need to post this in it's own thread, it's is useful and relevant to SO many issues that people struggle with!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Looking back over the 26 years that you have been together would you say that the two of you were like two peas in a pod, inseparable? Or was it more that you got the feeling he was trying to remain single, like a bachelor, inside the marriage? When you sit and talk about issues that have been a soar spot between you does he contribute to the conversation or is he just listening to you and waiting for the conversation to stop? When you find out he is playing tennis with his buddies instead of doing what he had told you he was going to do, how do you react?

I get the picture of a man who wants to do his thing without having to feel he needs to answer to you or anyone and because he is feeling he can't please you he is turning away from you. I also feel he probably does not communicate well and rather than expressing his feelings he is letting his hard feelings stew within himself. Who is going to pay for his hard feelings? Of course you, you have become a source of his pain and you did not even realize it. My suggestion is counseling. Once you reach a point where a spouse no longer wants to have sex the marriage is over, in my opinion.
Yes, totally inseparable. He was the one who was literally after me, even after coming to US, I was still in my home country, he would write long letters and call me and tell me how much he wanted to be with me! But over the years, things have changed, I understand that with responsibilities, things do change, but the love shouldn’t! It hasn’t for me, and am the one who is more stressed out and am in depression(taking meds). We hardly have any conversations, it’s always me who initiates it, and if trying to resolve an issue, it will end up with more arguments, and his yelling at me, is intolerable! Even my Kids are sick of his yelling at me!
Of course, I tell him why lie in the first place?
Just tell me the truth! And telling me “so what?” even after I found out,makes me lose respect for him!
I don’t know about the hard feelings, it’s me who has gone through a lot over the years!!!! He hardly wants to go anywhere with Family, I feel worse for my Kids! I keep saying that we should go out and spend time with each other, he says “yes” and that’s it, will not bother doing anything about it!
Thanks for the advice:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Yes, i totally agree with you. If you were harassing him then he would have left you already.

I would like to know what quarrels do you normally have with him ? I’m sure this could be the major reason.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I don’t think any marriage is perfect!
But then the spouse tells you “ I don’t feel like having sex with you!” It seems like it’s over!
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Believe, your old man is more than likely dipping his wick in somebody elses ink well. Your solution is not desirable but it is simple--you know the old saying, "one person's trash is somebody else's treasure".
Plenty of folks on this site, and beyond, patiently wait, beg, plead, negotiate, cry, threaten, suffer years of feeling inadequate, et cetera, trying to re-heat a broken oven. They live their lives in desperation, and want, hoping that the person who promised them a quality companionship is now starving them of intimacy, a required component of marriage/relationship and a human need, will eventually come back around. It likely won't happen.
He's the one breaching the contract. In business and in life, when a person breaches a contract, its often times better to replace them or at least temporarily substitute them until they can get their act together. Chances are you are going to have to do one or the other or mentally die from a thousand cuts of his perennial rejection.
I am 47 and he is 48. And at this age, I can’t live my life in deprivation! Believe me, I have made so many adjustments in my life, financially, emotionally. Am not saying am 100% perfect, but overall, am the one who has killed my dreams for the sake on my Family! Left my hometown, miles and miles away from my parents, to live with this man, who promised me a beautiful life, And now he says “ If you want a good life, go figure out how to have a beautiful life yourself!” Yes, I also believe, in anger, harsh words are spoken, but not so harsh that it brings down a person to the extent that, sometimes life seems to be meaningless! If it wasn’t for the Kids, I would have been gone long time! There have been days he wouldn’t talk to me for days, a month, and am still taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, everything! And makes me feel if am here only for this!
Thanks for the message:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
This clearly indicates he doesnt care you at all.

What about the kids ? Do they love him and does he take care of them or spend time on weekly offs ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
All he cares about is work!
Kids need both, so they don’t say much.
My Son, he gets angry when he yells at me!
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
He said this to you yesterday?

Before you hit the panic button why don't you see how it plays out. Just because he said it doesn't mean he'll stick to it. Maybe he was just lashing out to try and hurt you (or to get back at you)?

If he's still sticking to his guns a few weeks from now than you possibly have an issue.

At this juncture it's just words.
Yes I agree, it could be in anger, but he said it repeatedly!
 

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You have to teach people how to treat you. You will only get what you demand. If your marriage is as broken as it appears, he is probably not willing to learn what your boundaries are.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
So you have no evidence he masturbates other than he rarely has sex with you? And because he lies about other things you assume he lies about masturbation?

You might be putting him into a lose-lose situation. It's terrible that he lies, but you come off a bit forcefully and it's possible he's scared to give you a truthful answer because of how he thinks you'll react. And that might be the core of the "harassment" issue. The path you're going is not one that is going to make him comfortable opening up and being honest with you.

And the 20 years thing, why would he live with you if he wasn't happy? Spend time here and you'll find that's closer to normal than you'd think. There are so many reasons people put up with things they shouldn't, and this gets misread by their partners as a sign of contentment. Momentum, kids, mental weakness, lots of things.

If you're not in individual counseling yet, I'd recommend it. Possibly for him too (but it needs to be his idea). I wouldn't get into marriage counseling until the two of you can have a conversation in which both of you feel like you've had a chance to be honest and talk about your issues. Otherwise he's going to see it as "harassment."
No, I have no evidence, and what led me to think that, it’s because he hardly has any interest in sex. I did mention in my initial post, I could be assuming.
Hopefully it works out, and will think about counseling.
 

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No, I have no evidence, and what led me to think that, it’s because he hardly has any interest in sex. I did mention in my initial post, I could be assuming.
Hopefully it works out, and will think about counseling.
Yes, you did mention you could be assuming, but I would, as you say, assume that you understand you have an entirely different set of issues if your assumption is not correct.

Could you have a conversation with your husband about de-escalating things? Starting over, clearing the air, no assumptions? Could you admit to him that you might at times jump the gun about things, creating extra stress & anxiety that doesn't need to be there? That becoming closer and opening up about the issues each of you has might be pretty painful at first but you can't fix what you don't know, and right now your marriage needs fixing?

If you just want someone to blame things on, then hire an attorney and get a divorce going. If you still feel you love this guy, you need to explore the de-escalation route and open up clear channels of communication. Things might not be what you think. Or what he thinks.
 

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Yes, totally inseparable. He was the one who was literally after me, even after coming to US, I was still in my home country, he would write long letters and call me and tell me how much he wanted to be with me! But over the years, things have changed, I understand that with responsibilities, things do change, but the love shouldn’t! It hasn’t for me, and am the one who is more stressed out and am in depression(taking meds). We hardly have any conversations, it’s always me who initiates it, and if trying to resolve an issue, it will end up with more arguments, and his yelling at me, is intolerable! Even my Kids are sick of his yelling at me!
Of course, I tell him why lie in the first place?
Just tell me the truth! And telling me “so what?” even after I found out,makes me lose respect for him!
I don’t know about the hard feelings, it’s me who has gone through a lot over the years!!!! He hardly wants to go anywhere with Family, I feel worse for my Kids! I keep saying that we should go out and spend time with each other, he says “yes” and that’s it, will not bother doing anything about it!
Thanks for the advice:)
So you came to America from some other country. It really doesn't matter what country. I think this is an issue of control on your husband's part and I am very sorry for you have had to endure. Respect yourself, do not put up with your husband's behavior. It is time to move on.
 
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