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I went from a very patriarchal upbringing to a year in a dorm room to marriage to a very domineering man. Give me some time to figure out who I am without a man running my life, I'm only 24 and a very sheltered 24 at that. I've never lived alone in my entire life and quite honestly my anorexia therapist tells me she doesn't think I've ever really had a chance to grow up.
It appears that you are working to mature and grow as a woman, which is very good. I do think you should finish your degree, as you are almost there and you are not in a hurry to leave your husband. Also, your husband isn't trying to get rid of you.

I'm sorry that you grew up in such a restrictive environment that didn't allow you to grow into who you were created to be. Christianity is not supposed to be domineering and restrictive. It is supposed to free us. Christians are supposed to be the most loving people around. Your parents were mistaken in their approach. I'm sorry that you got such a distorted view of God and the Bible.

I don't know why people think that living alone or on your own is so important. I understand that it is for some people, but not for everyone. I know lots of people who have never lived alone and they live happy, productive lives, as mature adults. You went from one restrictive environment into another. That is the problem. You may have to have a roommate when you first start off alone. Don't let that deter you, but be careful to choose a good roommate. You will have some money starting off. Perhaps you could buy a condo and get a roommate to share expenses. You could vet them carefully.

I have seen people who grow up in the environment similar to yours that end up making a lot of bad choices when they leave. I recommend that you take it easy, so you don't do things that you will end up regretting. Take your time, but keep moving forward and seeking to grow in knowledge and truth.

I'm glad for you that you have been able to put on weight and get healthy. Keep up the good work. You are doing great, especially in light of your husband's rejection of your healthy choices. I hope you realize that there is something wrong with your husband. His thinking is unhealthy and his behaviors are not that of a well adjusted man.

She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children. She says when you work with younger children you tend to be childish, and she's not sure it will be good for me. I can even see where she is coming from because I do recognize that I am more than a little young for my age (something my husband has definitely fostered).
I agree with your therapist about your career goals. They are not sustainable for the rest of your happiness. It is imperative that you be able to support yourself. How long until you have completed the entire program, including the internship? What is your BA in?

As a single woman, you will have time to do things that you enjoy. You could volunteer at your local library or even a private school.

Here are some careers that you could use your library science degree for:
"The MMLIS is the perfect pathway to become a librarian, and there is a plethora of traditional job opportunities one can obtain with the degree: working in public libraries, academic libraries, private libraries, museums, government agencies and other intuitions’ libraries.
But “librarian” is far from the only possible job title. Many graduates opt to become a digital archivist, someone who creates, collects, stores and organizes digital data.
Some seek to become a competitive intelligence analyst, which is a role centered on monitoring and reporting industry and technical developments so they can predict how businesses’ competitors will behave. Others pursue positions as knowledge management specialists, which is about leading others in the use of traditional and digital approaches.
Additional positions include digital asset manager, metadata librarian and, of course, a professor in library sciences." What Can You Do With A Master’s Degree In Library Science?

"Some of the highest-paying industries for librarians at that time included federal executive branch, scientific research and development services, and legal services." What Jobs Can I Get with a Library Science Degree?
 

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Discussion Starter · #102 ·
Not only that, the job won't support you. Most job opportunities will be in large cities where the cost of living is sky high.
Yeah....lots of debt to be a librarian?

Unpaid internships?

I don't understand choices like this. You're going to spend your life struggling financially. I was able to dump my jerk ex because I make money.
My bachelor's degree was at a college where an undergrad degree costs about $80k. Most college internships are unpaid. And considering I grew up one of 7 kids in a family that lived in poverty (my parents are farmers), it's not like I'm not used to being poor. I want to work with kids, I know going in that it's rarely a choice that brings in a lot of money. The two things I love the most are books and kids, so what better job for me than children's librarian? I most likely can't have kids of my own (I've been told the anorexia ruined my reproductive system) so I want to be able to spend my time at work around them if I can't spend my time at home around them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #103 ·
I understand that you are working on your graduate degree & have an unpaid internship lined up. Sorry but that dream needs to be put on hold. If you are working on a graduate degree that means you have an undergraduate degree which should be enough to get you a job of some sort in this economic climate where everybody his hiring. Chose wisely because many companies will pay for you to get that graduate degree so you get both: a job with income & the chance to fulfill your dream. With a salary you can move out.
I'm sorry but I don't think my marriage is bad enough to walk away from my degree when I only have one semester left. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. He makes me crazy, but at least he's not abusive like my parents were. And at least he's just using porn rather than cheating. I don't really enjoy sex anyway so it's not like I'm missing it. If he became physically abusive I'd be out of here in a heartbeat, but he's not. We actually have a better relationship than a lot of the ones I've read about here and on Reddit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #104 ·
It appears that you are working to mature and grow as a woman, which is very good. I do think you should finish your degree, as you are almost there and you are not in a hurry to leave your husband. Also, your husband isn't trying to get rid of you.

I'm sorry that you grew up in such a restrictive environment that didn't allow you to grow into who you were created to be. Christianity is not supposed to be domineering and restrictive. It is supposed to free us. Christians are supposed to be the most loving people around. Your parents were mistaken in their approach. I'm sorry that you got such a distorted view of God and the Bible.

I don't know why people think that living alone or on your own is so important. I understand that it is for some people, but not for everyone. I know lots of people who have never lived alone and they live happy, productive lives, as mature adults. You went from one restrictive environment into another. That is the problem. You may have to have a roommate when you first start off alone. Don't let that deter you, but be careful to choose a good roommate. You will have some money starting off. Perhaps you could buy a condo and get a roommate to share expenses. You could vet them carefully.

I have seen people who grow up in the environment similar to yours that end up making a lot of bad choices when they leave. I recommend that you take it easy, so you don't do things that you will end up regretting. Take your time, but keep moving forward and seeking to grow in knowledge and truth.

I'm glad for you that you have been able to put on weight and get healthy. Keep up the good work. You are doing great, especially in light of your husband's rejection of your healthy choices. I hope you realize that there is something wrong with your husband. His thinking is unhealthy and his behaviors are not that of a well adjusted man.


I agree with your therapist about your career goals. They are not sustainable for the rest of your happiness. It is imperative that you be able to support yourself. How long until you have completed the entire program, including the internship? What is your BA in?

As a single woman, you will have time to do things that you enjoy. You could volunteer at your local library or even a private school.

Here are some careers that you could use your library science degree for:
"The MMLIS is the perfect pathway to become a librarian, and there is a plethora of traditional job opportunities one can obtain with the degree: working in public libraries, academic libraries, private libraries, museums, government agencies and other intuitions’ libraries.
But “librarian” is far from the only possible job title. Many graduates opt to become a digital archivist, someone who creates, collects, stores and organizes digital data.
Some seek to become a competitive intelligence analyst, which is a role centered on monitoring and reporting industry and technical developments so they can predict how businesses’ competitors will behave. Others pursue positions as knowledge management specialists, which is about leading others in the use of traditional and digital approaches.
Additional positions include digital asset manager, metadata librarian and, of course, a professor in library sciences." What Can You Do With A Master’s Degree In Library Science?

"Some of the highest-paying industries for librarians at that time included federal executive branch, scientific research and development services, and legal services." What Jobs Can I Get with a Library Science Degree?
I have one semester left and it IS my internship. My BA is in English literature with a focus in children's and young adult literature and I have a minor in early childhood education. I want to be a children's librarian more than anything else in the world. It has been my dream since I was just a kid. I have no desire whatsoever to give it up. And actually if I was willing to move back to my home town, the head librarian in the school I went to has already told me she'll hire me as soon as I finish my MLS. Starting salary of $35k in a low cost of living area, with fantastic benefits because public school workers in my state are all unionized. The problem with moving back there is it would be almost impossible to avoid my family and people from the church I grew up in. I'm close to being no contact with any of them and I'm not sure I'm willing to back off on that.
 

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@NotHisDreamGirl ,

We actually have several "librarians" in the extended family. The first thing people need to know is that librarians generally work in an education setting, and thus most positions do require a master's degree to start. My son, a brother-in-law, a sister-in-law, and the mother of my daughter-in-law are all librarians in different ways, and they all needed a masters or better. With a bachelors, you'd usually do an unpaid internship, similar to the way a law student does clerking before they pass the bar. It's real life experience to add to your resume so you can get the job when you graduate. :)

So NHDG, here's how my family used their "librarian" degrees:

Son: he works at a state university in a large city, and he double majored in library and computer sciences, so he is like support for the computer systems that the library uses. They use a computerized "card system" and he keeps that computer system running, answers questions, and is kind of a "help desk."

Brother-in-law: he works at a community college and he also works with the computers, but I believe he's like an IT or networking manager kind of guy...so I think he works with databases and the networking software.

Sister-in-law: she works at another smaller college but she more like a typical librarian who uses computers mostly for cataloging and archiving and reference.

D-I-L's mom: she worked in a local, smalltown elementary school and was head librarian for 30 years. She's retired now, but she LOVED it and especially loved making little displays with the books. She had one assistant librarian and another intern..and that was her entire staff.
 

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If that’s your dream, follow it. My exH chose money over his dream, when we were younger than you, and my guess is that he always regretted it. He didn’t hate his career path but he definitely didn’t love it. He did, however, greatly enjoy the money that came with it and wasn’t willing to give that up. We wouldn’t have lived nearly as well as we did if he had chosen his dream but we would have been comfortable and to me that was more important than decades of not loving what he did. I think if he could have lived his life over he would have picked the dream. Go for it.
 

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My bachelor's degree was at a college where an undergrad degree costs about $80k. Most college internships are unpaid. And considering I grew up one of 7 kids in a family that lived in poverty (my parents are farmers), it's not like I'm not used to being poor. I want to work with kids, I know going in that it's rarely a choice that brings in a lot of money. The two things I love the most are books and kids, so what better job for me than children's librarian? I most likely can't have kids of my own (I've been told the anorexia ruined my reproductive system) so I want to be able to spend my time at work around them if I can't spend my time at home around them.
Far better to do a job you like with less money than one you don't like with more. Life isn't all about having to be rich. As long as you can pay the bills you don't need luxuries.
 

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I have one semester left and it IS my internship. My BA is in English literature with a focus in children's and young adult literature and I have a minor in early childhood education. I want to be a children's librarian more than anything else in the world. It has been my dream since I was just a kid. I have no desire whatsoever to give it up. And actually if I was willing to move back to my home town, the head librarian in the school I went to has already told me she'll hire me as soon as I finish my MLS. Starting salary of $35k in a low cost of living area, with fantastic benefits because public school workers in my state are all unionized. The problem with moving back there is it would be almost impossible to avoid my family and people from the church I grew up in. I'm close to being no contact with any of them and I'm not sure I'm willing to back off on that.
I had the impression, from what you wrote, that you won't be able to support yourself with your degree. 35K isn't much money, but if you were living in an area where the cost of living is low, perhaps you could make it just fine. The place you grew up in isn't the only opportunity for you. There are plenty of other towns that need librarians. Perhaps you could find such a place and start fresh.
 

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You are spending how many hundreds of thousands of dollars to get a job that pays $35k per year? Yikes!

I'm sorry but I don't think my marriage is bad enough to walk away from my degree when I only have one semester left. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. He makes me crazy, but at least he's not abusive like my parents were. And at least he's just using porn rather than cheating. I don't really enjoy sex anyway so it's not like I'm missing it. If he became physically abusive I'd be out of here in a heartbeat, but he's not. We actually have a better relationship than a lot of the ones I've read about here and on Reddit.
That;s your choice. Understand you are using him & not giving him sex. A relationship doesn't have to be physically violent to be unhealthy. Did you ever think maybe what he didn't sign up for is a wife ho withholds sex because she doesn't like but simultaneous expects him to fund her expensive education?
 

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You are spending how many hundreds of thousands of dollars to get a job that pays $35k per year? Yikes!

That;s your choice. Understand you are using him & not giving him sex. A relationship doesn't have to be physically violent to be unhealthy. Did you ever think maybe what he didn't sign up for is a wife ho withholds sex because she doesn't like but simultaneous expects him to fund her expensive education?
She has not said that she withholds sex. She says she doesn't enjoy it. I can imagine that someone who would rather masturbate to cartoons than have sex with his wife is probably not a great lover, which would explain why she doesn't enjoy it. I think her husband is a dud that doesn't understand her body. He wants her to go back to being anorexic. Obviously, he's not too concerned about how she feels.
 

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I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.

He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.

Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.
WTF! You are telling a woman she should go back to her near anorexic 19 year old self.
 

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Apparently she thought pounds and kilos were similar. She’s got it now.
Damn metric system, lol. That makes more sense than telling someone they should go back to thier anorexic state for a man that I still believe must have some pedophilic tendencies. A 98 lb teen is going to look like a middle school girl, or boy.
 

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When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).
Women are typically most attractive in their 20s because the body fully develops in this age bracket and youthfulness is there as well. This is my take of-course.

Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.

I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers. He's almost 30 years old now and honestly he shouldn't be watching porn with 18-19 year old girls in it!

Am I really in the wrong here? He tells me I have no right to have made such a big change in who I am after we're already married. I mean, it's not like I've changed my personality or become abusive or suddenly become uber religious or anything like that. I just went from being unhealthily thin to being a healthy weight. Is that so wrong of me? He sure is acting like it is. And what kind of man WANTS his wife to have an eating disorder, to the point where he would become verbally abusive after she overcomes it?

We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?
Your husband does not seem to understand natural human growth. He might be obsessed with how you looked in your teens and/or slim figure in general. This could be in part due to what he see on his computer on a regular basis. Social Media platforms including YouTube and even PC games tend to show very young model-like women for marketing reasons or as the means to draw attention to relevant contents. These contents do not capture aging processes and are not aimed to. Some men look at these visuals and wonder that this might be the norm out there.

You must have conversations with your husband on following lines:

1. Tell your husband to talk to a doctor, and watch contents which capture human aging processes. He should also learn about how pregnancy and child birth affects women. A man who marries a woman have to come to terms with these realities. Tell him that his body and looks will change over time as well, and he must step out from the "virtual fantasy bubble" he finds himself in. This is important for your marriage to endure with him.

2. Tell your husband that you cannot afford to loose weight because this will take a toll on your health and reproductive system. You may give the example of former Victoria's Secret Model Bridget Malcolm - this woman suffered significant health problems while she tried to maintain a thin frame for her line-of-work, and she had to quit eventually. Her health had deteriorated to the extent that she stopped having periods but she recovered after she quit.

3. Your husband watches porn as well - a habit that he needs to overcome. He should be aware of the negative effects of porn. There is ample content on the web in relation. Tell your husband to explore "negative effects of porn."

I got married young because I was raised in a purity culture. My husband and I were originally wildly attracted to each other. I broke with my religious upbringing in college, but I couldn't get past the idea that sex outside of marriage was sinful. I wanted him, he wanted me, so we had a fast and furious Vegas type wedding and a couple of years of amazing sex. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest. And quite honestly I have a feeling if I tell him I want a divorce he's going to be relieved, because it will allow him to go out and find another girl just like I used to be.
You decided to marry when you were just 19 years old. This is your personal decision which shall be respected.

My personal take is that a woman should consider marriage when 23 years old (and above) in current times; this is in view of factors such as physical and mental growth, getting a degree (if possible), and having some time to meet and understand people.

My bachelor's degree was at a college where an undergrad degree costs about $80k. Most college internships are unpaid. And considering I grew up one of 7 kids in a family that lived in poverty (my parents are farmers), it's not like I'm not used to being poor. I want to work with kids, I know going in that it's rarely a choice that brings in a lot of money. The two things I love the most are books and kids, so what better job for me than children's librarian? I most likely can't have kids of my own (I've been told the anorexia ruined my reproductive system) so I want to be able to spend my time at work around them if I can't spend my time at home around them.
No harm in seeking this line-of-work. You will have work experience at minimum.

Wait, you cannot have kids? You cannot recover? You should consult a fertility specialist in this regard when possible.


It would be better to address your martial problems before consider having a child though.
 
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