Talk About Marriage banner
81 - 101 of 115 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #81 ·
Given this information, you need to start organizing and planning for your future so you can actually have one.

Otherwise, you may be tempted to hitch your wagon to another man for the wrong reasons.

Men can be the answer your looking for and just as often the biggest problem.
Considering I'm starting to think I'm bisexual (something I've pushed down my entire life due to my religious upbringing), I'm going to take a long time to explore other "options" before I consider getting involved in an LTR again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,393 Posts
Considering I'm starting to think I'm bisexual (something I've pushed down my entire life due to my religious upbringing), I'm going to take a long time to explore other "options" before I consider getting involved in an LTR again.
LoL! Women are just as bad or good so be careful and own your choices. Blaming religious upbringing is a crutch without much longevity.

At the end of the day, you can always look in the mirror to see who is responsible for where you are.😉

Pointing somewhere else besides yourself for your situation will never do anything to change it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #84 ·
No. Just no. What you do in the next days, weeks, months, as long as it takes you to finish school, you need to be honest with yourself and others. You have to make it on your own, however hard that may seem. You cannot be thinking to yourself that you’re taking your husband for a ride for a couple years, long enough to get you on your feet, and then leave.

That sets in place rationalization that becomes increasingly easy to substitute for truth and honesty down the road.

You do not want to be thinking, he did this to you, he destroyed the good in you. That would be a win for his side. That’s not who you are. Is it?
I literally will be homeless if I leave him. I can't go back to my parents' home, they won't allow it. None of my family would ever let me live with them, my sister won't even talk to me anymore, she tells me I'm a "disgrace" to our family. I've never worked a real job in my life, only part time summer jobs in high school. I don't see what choice I have. I can't very well finish my grad degree from a homeless shelter. Nor can I afford the room and board required for graduate student housing at my university. And I'll be starting my graduate internship (unpaid, 30 hours per week) in late August, which won't give me any time to have a job. I am DEEPLY in debt with student loans. If I just quit school, it will come due in 6 months, and I will have no way to pay it. Plus it seems really dumb to quit one semester short of graduating when I already have so much debt racked up.

Honestly, after the way my family has treated me, I'd rather stay with my husband for the rest of my life than have to grovel my way back into their good graces so I can go home. He doesn't treat me anywhere near as badly as they have. Trust me, my husband is a SAINT compared to my family of origin.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #88 ·
LoL! Women are just as bad or good so be careful and own your choices. Blaming religious upbringing is a crutch without much longevity.

At the end of the day, you can always look in the mirror to see who is responsible for where you are.😉

Pointing somewhere else besides yourself for your situation will never do anything to change it.
I went from a very patriarchal upbringing to a year in a dorm room to marriage to a very domineering man. Give me some time to figure out who I am without a man running my life, I'm only 24 and a very sheltered 24 at that. I've never lived alone in my entire life and quite honestly my anorexia therapist tells me she doesn't think I've ever really had a chance to grow up. She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children. She says when you work with younger children you tend to be childish, and she's not sure it will be good for me. I can even see where she is coming from because I do recognize that I am more than a little young for my age (something my husband has definitely fostered).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
82 Posts
Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.

I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers. He's almost 30 years old now and honestly he shouldn't be watching porn with 18-19 year old girls in it!

Am I really in the wrong here? He tells me I have no right to have made such a big change in who I am after we're already married. I mean, it's not like I've changed my personality or become abusive or suddenly become uber religious or anything like that. I just went from being unhealthily thin to being a healthy weight. Is that so wrong of me? He sure is acting like it is. And what kind of man WANTS his wife to have an eating disorder, to the point where he would become verbally abusive after she overcomes it?

We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?
I hate it when someone you love treats you like this! He needs to understand that this has to stop to be with you. Not ok!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,393 Posts
I went from a very patriarchal upbringing to a year in a dorm room to marriage to a very domineering man. Give me some time to figure out who I am without a man running my life, I'm only 24 and a very sheltered 24 at that. I've never lived alone in my entire life and quite honestly my anorexia therapist tells me she doesn't think I've ever really had a chance to grow up. She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children. She says when you work with younger children you tend to be childish, and she's not sure it will be good for me. I can even see where she is coming from because I do recognize that I am more than a little young for my age (something my husband has definitely fostered).
At least it sounds like you have been getting your head on straight.

I hope you are able to plan your next steps for independence.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
76 Posts
I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.

He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.

Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #92 ·
I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.

He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.

Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.
Get that body back? That body was a 98 pound anorexic teenager. Are you seriously suggesting I should try to get back to 98 pounds at 5 foot 5? My current weight is STILL low end for my height. He likes scrawny teenage girls. I'm not ever going to be a scrawny teenage girl again nor should I even try.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,279 Posts
She even thinks I should consider changing my career goals because she's not sure it will be healthy for me to work with elementary school children.
Not only that, the job won't support you. Most job opportunities will be in large cities where the cost of living is sky high.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
10,587 Posts
Not only that, the job won't support you. Most job opportunities will be in large cities where the cost of living is sky high.
Yeah....lots of debt to be a librarian?

Unpaid internships?

I don't understand choices like this. You're going to spend your life struggling financially. I was able to dump my jerk ex because I make money.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,982 Posts
I'm going to be honest here. Men are visual. And attractiveness matters. My husband knows I dont like a tummy and the moment he gains weight I'll tell him when it gets out of hand. I myself, look after my body and consider it very important. Won't ever let myself go and expect he wont as well.

He feels the way he feel. Nothing can change that. What matters is what YOU think, if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.

Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained but his actions are wrong and he's being a **** to you. That is not acceptable.
The thing is that she was unheathily underweight.
Plus he is feeding his obsession with looking at porn of young looking ultra thin teen's. Is that appropriate for a supposedly mature adult married man?

What happens in your marriage if one if you looks different? If one if you gains a little weight or changes in other ways? Goes bald? Gets wrinkly? Things sag?
Honestly I adore Mr D no matter what. Tummy or no tummy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,009 Posts
I understand that you are working on your graduate degree & have an unpaid internship lined up. Sorry but that dream needs to be put on hold. If you are working on a graduate degree that means you have an undergraduate degree which should be enough to get you a job of some sort in this economic climate where everybody his hiring. Chose wisely because many companies will pay for you to get that graduate degree so you get both: a job with income & the chance to fulfill your dream. With a salary you can move out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,009 Posts
if you feel good or not. If you don't, maybe start eating more healthy and get that body back for yourself and him. If you feel good the way you are, then I don't see how things will improve.

Fact is you can't make him think otherwise and he can't make you lose weight if you don't want him to. I don't blame him for saying he misses your body before you gained
You misunderstand. She was NOT healthy before. She was sickly, anorexic & looked like a malnourished waif who was a victim of a famine. We're not talking about a slim woman. She is currently a slim woman because she gained. Back then, the body he wants her to have is an unhealthy concentration camp refugee where he can count her ribs.

For you to tell her to go back to that is cruel! For her husband to tell her to go back to that is abusive,
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
10,587 Posts
You misunderstand. She was NOT healthy before. She was sickly, anorexic & looked like a malnourished waif who was a victim of a famine. We're not talking about a slim woman. She is currently a slim woman because she gained. Back then, the body he wants her to have is an unhealthy concentration camp refugee where he can count her ribs.

For you to tell her to go back to that is cruel! For her husband to tell her to go back to that is abusive,
That's just someone who didn't bother to read anything beyond 30 pounds.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,009 Posts
I'm from SA I don't know pounds... Sorry!! I know kilos so I'm sorry didn't know it was a low weight... I apologize. My bad.
98 kg = 216 lbs which would be overweight & bad at her tiny height. For somebody like that to put on 30 more pounds would be dangerously obese.

98 lbs = 44.5 kg See post # 50 for a visual. She was a walking skeleton. Now she's healthy weight having gained 30 lbs but her husband wants her to go back to being emaciated. Does it make more sense why we (I) jumped all over you.
 
81 - 101 of 115 Posts
Top