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Why be miserable and abused until finishing school? Neglect and verbal abuse will mess with your head. Get out now, before you start to believe he's right and that you are the problem.
Run from evil.

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Because I understood that they are not economically at their best right now. Otherwise, if she's economically able, my advice is also why is she still in this relationship at all? she should be gone by now.
 

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@Trident ,

[/small threadjack] I don't want to take away from the Original Poster's post, so most of my reply here will be to @NotHisDreamGirl . However, I did want to address what you wrote. Thank you for redacting it. I won't lie to you--it upset me.

The intent in my post was not in any way to suggest that NHDG should have a body like mine. NOPE. I am fully aware that I'm overweight. Rather, I was trying to share accepting ourselves as we are, and loving ourselves as we are. For my whole life, I've had a similar body issue as NHDG...just on the opposite side of the scale. I've never been thin. I understand what it feels like to see myself and see ugly.

If you ever saw me, I truly do look a little bit like a dwarf or hobbit from Lord of the Rings. LOL :p I used to hate my lack of thinness and truly harm myself to try to be what I'm not: a waifer thin, ballarina type with a boyish figure. That. Is. Not. Me. I actually am built like a brickhouse. I have a very large shelf, a small waist, a curve to my hips...so I'm built like an hourglass, and not like a 1920's flapper girl. If I weigh less or weigh more, I'm still just BUILT. But I did not see, love, or appreciate me or my body. And that's what I was trying to talk to @NotHisDreamGirl about.

See, I will never be a lithe, elf-like creature (although I admire that kind of person). My body was made to be the catcher on the softball team. I have GREAT, very strong legs. I was specifically made to be a warm, cuddly, loving "home and hearth" mama. I have raised seven children and have two more step-kids with my current hubby. All of them occasionally needed a soft mama to hug, and my body was MADE for that. I have cared for a husband while he gradually deteriorated from heart failure and died, and my body was strong enough to help him, lift him, work all day, chores all night, and hug him! My body isn't bad. I don't have to hate it.

I'm not saying exercising and eating healthy aren't wise. I'm not saying "be like me"! I AM saying (to NHDG) "Value yourself for the treasure you are." I AM saying (to NHDG) "Your body is unique and yours. Love it--appreciate it." Make sense? Yeah...keep working on being healthy--good job! Yeah, see some scars and wrinkles and stretch marks because every body is imperfect. But see, love, and appreciate the body that you have, just as it is right now.

You don't have to be "physically perfect" to keep a spouse who is loving and committed. And if you become "physically imperfect" a loving and committed spouse doesn't abandon you. I'm hoping the OP will place her value in her character and her beauty as a person...and not just her current exterior because that will change. I'm also hoping that she understand that if a spouse does leave her for not being "physically perfect" that it's a defect in the person who left...not her!

Hope that makes some sense.[/threadjack]
 

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Discussion Starter · #67 ·
@NotHisDreamGirl ,

I am 60yo, 5 feet flat (a little under maaaybe), and weigh 175. I am NOT thin. But I am voluptuously curvy all over and built sturdy. Like I tell my Beloved Hubby, I won't blow over in a windstorm. LOL

I tell you this because when I was younger, I was married to a man who desired a 5 ft. 10 in. waifer thin, ballarina type woman (with no boobs, and no waist or hips). Why he married me I will NEVER KNOW, because that's not me! And for years I felt so ugly and unlovable. I hear your pain.

So let me tell you a truth: you are beautiful as you are. You were specifically MADE to be 5 ft. 5 in. and 128 ... or so. That is super healthy for you! And guess what? Your beauty is not found in your physical appearance. It is in your eyes and the way you look at someone lovingly. It is in your smile when you see someone you love enter the room. It's in your voice when you sing or say their name. It's in your touch, when you hug or hold the ones you love. It's in your heart when you treat someone for whom you feel love in a loving way. Love-joy-peace-patience-kindness-gentleness...eminating from your heart...THAT is beauty!!

Do not let him devalue you in your own eyes. You are a priceless and precious gift, and if he can't see that, it in no way means you are any less of a treasure. It just means he can't see.

Do not let him gaslight you with his line "I didn't sign up for this" either. In fact, he did. He stood before God, family, friends, and witnesses and promised that he would spend the rest of his life learning to love you. Nowhere in those vows did it say "As long as she stays 98 pounds." He promised to love you and only you (not those porn girls), through better and worse...richer and poorer...in sickness and in health. He made a commitment to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS. Do you know what that means? That means he volunteered to give 100% of himself to you and only you...and that leaves 0% for any other human being, real or imaginary! The commitment of marriage means PRECISELY that he did sign up for all of the ups and downs that life throws at a couple over the decades: maybe a child that's ill, maybe a physically disfiguring disease, maybe financial difficulties, maybe a death in the family...in other words "when the going gets tough, I'll stick it out with you." That is EXACTLY what he did sign up for! (Plus, these are not "tough times." You are following the advise of your physician and you're being wise about your physical health.)

So put on a big old wolf necklace or wolf tee-shirt, and next time he tries this malarchy about "I didn't sign up for you being a healthy weight" you let that wolf tear that excuse to shreds and deflect it from hitting your heart. What he's saying is just blaming you for his own bad behavior. Don't you believe him!
Well, we didn't have a religious ceremony and we didn't take religious vows, we had a cheap quick wedding on the beach with a justice of the peace officiating and only a few witnesses. We hadn't even known each other very long. But I get what you're saying. The more I look back on the months we were dating, the more I realize we were probably never well matched. I think we mistook physical/sexual attraction for love and it wasn't. When I think about walking away it honestly doesn't hurt and I don't feel any of that "I can't possibly live without him." Getting a divorce just honestly feels like the logical thing for me to do at this point, at least once I finish grad school and can move back home.
 

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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
@nothisdream - You are the most-fortunate, perhaps luckiest person on TAM today. Thank goodness you put on a few pounds and discovered the true nature of your husband. Without having kids yet. With a future still ahead of you. He did you an incredible favor by showing you his true colors early on, and you did yourself a tremendous favor by recognizing that it's not you that's the problem, it's him.

Please do not go to marriage counseling to address the issues. The only counseling required is for you to understand why you had a need to marry at 19; there may be issues that caused that, things that you don't want to repeat with your next relationship.

You dodged the bullet that many don't. This guy seems so wrong in so many ways. Many times we read the stories and there's a strong bias towards trying to make yourself look as good as possible, the spouse the villain. Not here. No controversy.

Enjoy the beginning of the best years of your life.
I got married young because I was raised in a purity culture. My husband and I were originally wildly attracted to each other. I broke with my religious upbringing in college, but I couldn't get past the idea that sex outside of marriage was sinful. I wanted him, he wanted me, so we had a fast and furious Vegas type wedding and a couple of years of amazing sex. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest. And quite honestly I have a feeling if I tell him I want a divorce he's going to be relieved, because it will allow him to go out and find another girl just like I used to be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #69 ·
Why be miserable and abused until finishing school? Neglect and verbal abuse will mess with your head. Get out now, before you start to believe he's right and that you are the problem.
Run from evil.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
I can't afford to live in this city alone even with the scholarships I have to cover my tuition costs. I haven't worked even a summer job since I got married and rents here are astronomical, there's no way I could manage on my own. I only have one more semester, and it's mostly just doing an internship, and I'll be done. Problem is, I have nowhere to go if I leave him. My parents were NOT happy with me marrying outside our religious community, and I'm not really welcome at home anymore. And if I DO divorce I'll REALLY be seen as a failure, divorce isn't accepted in the community where I grew up. And even though I'm getting a degree in my dream field, it will never make me a lot of money. So going it alone is going to be hard, I have no money of my own at all right now.
 

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Your H is an ass.

This goes beyond an attraction issue or a mismatch in his "type." The fact he is calling you fat and accusing you of catfishing and bait and switch and openly indulging in porn and denying love and affection etc is all indicative of an underlying character flaw in him. He simply isn't a good person.

This is going to manifest in a variety of other ways. Like I said, this is not simply that he prefers very skinny women. His character is going to manifest in other ways which will include disrespect, dismissiveness of your feelings and wants and needs, cheating and potentially even actual abuse.

Even if you were to get back to 98 lbs (DON'T!) he would still be of bad character and those things will still occur and you will still have a guy who treats you badly and cheats on you and disrespects you on your hands.

There's no fix here. You losing weight won't fix his character and a bad dude is not going to be loving and respectful and faithful towards you regardless of your weight.

He may have been hot and sexy in the beginning when you had that new relationship energy (NRE) and he was acting nice to get in your pants. But now the NRE has worn off and he can no longer fake being a decent person.

Get out now while you are still young and don't have kids that will tie you to him. Throw this one back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #71 ·
Because I understood that they are not economically at their best right now. Otherwise, if she's economically able, my advice is also why is she still in this relationship at all? she should be gone by now.
I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.
 

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. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest.
You need to question this. I don't believe it is actually true. I really don't think it's about your weight. I think it is about his character and that he simply isn't a decent person.

I think if you were to get back to 98lbs he would still be dismissive and disrespectful to you and still be nasty to you and still cheat on you and treat you badly.

I'm willing to bet that you missed a number of red flags in the early stages of your relationship and dismissed a number of the red flags that you did see that pointed to him being an ass.

Your weight did not change him. He was always an ass, he just faked it as much as he could in the beginning and you dismissed what you were able.

Now that you have been together for several years, the NRE has worn off and now his true colors are coming through.

This ain't about your weight.

Now maybe he does have a thang for young, naive, malnourished young girls with self esteem and emotional issues,,,,,, but again, that is a reflection of HIS CHARACTER.

Now that you are a more mature, healthier and more self aware adult woman, you can see through his crap and he knows it so he tries to knock you down by calling you fat and putting you down.

He's a creeper.
 

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I got married young because I was raised in a purity culture. My husband and I were originally wildly attracted to each other. I broke with my religious upbringing in college, but I couldn't get past the idea that sex outside of marriage was sinful. I wanted him, he wanted me, so we had a fast and furious Vegas type wedding and a couple of years of amazing sex. Then I started gaining weight and he started losing interest. And quite honestly I have a feeling if I tell him I want a divorce he's going to be relieved, because it will allow him to go out and find another girl just like I used to be.
Hopefully, he won鈥檛 marry the next one because in a few years she鈥檒l age out of what he鈥檚 interested in. He wants the look of the late teenage years and no one can hold onto that.
 

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I can't afford to live in this city alone even with the scholarships I have to cover my tuition costs. I haven't worked even a summer job since I got married and rents here are astronomical, there's no way I could manage on my own. I only have one more semester, and it's mostly just doing an internship, and I'll be done. Problem is, I have nowhere to go if I leave him. My parents were NOT happy with me marrying outside our religious community, and I'm not really welcome at home anymore. And if I DO divorce I'll REALLY be seen as a failure, divorce isn't accepted in the community where I grew up. And even though I'm getting a degree in my dream field, it will never make me a lot of money. So going it alone is going to be hard, I have no money of my own at all right now.
This is sad and all, but you have a personal responsibility to take care of yourself. I understand finishing up your program, but after that, it's important for you to find a job that will support you and to live in an area that you can afford. I understand you want to follow your dream, but dreams don't put food on the table and pay the electric bill. If you stay with him, you will regret it.
Your family may see this as a failure, but that's on them. They can think whatever they want. As a Christian myself, I can say that the Bible doesn't speak well of people like your husband. He is a reviler. Most Christians would agree that divorce is appropriate in your situation.
 

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Seems you have a plan or are starting to make one. Good!!!!!!

Plan to leave this xxxx at the next bus stop after you graduate.

Just wondering why he "holds the title on your car?" I would work to get that moved to your name.
DMV probably wants some $$$ to make that happen but, in most states, the work is mostly signing forms after
filling in the blanks. If he paid for it - try to gingerliy get it in your name. Otherwise - write it off and move on!

I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.
 

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I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.
No. Just no. What you do in the next days, weeks, months, as long as it takes you to finish school, you need to be honest with yourself and others. You have to make it on your own, however hard that may seem. You cannot be thinking to yourself that you鈥檙e taking your husband for a ride for a couple years, long enough to get you on your feet, and then leave.

That sets in place rationalization that becomes increasingly easy to substitute for truth and honesty down the road.

You do not want to be thinking, he did this to you, he destroyed the good in you. That would be a win for his side. That鈥檚 not who you are. Is it?
 

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I am a broke college student. I don't have a job because I'm trying to do a 2 year graduate degree in just a year. He is my sole means of support - financially, physically (he holds the lease on our apartment and the title on my car), I'm also on his health insurance. He has a fairly good job that allows us to get by in a fairly high cost of living college town, but I could never manage here on my own.
Is sounds like a plan. Wait til the degree and then divorce before you get a job. That way you won't pay him alimony if you get a good paying job.
 

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I can't afford to live in this city alone even with the scholarships I have to cover my tuition costs. I haven't worked even a summer job since I got married and rents here are astronomical, there's no way I could manage on my own. I only have one more semester, and it's mostly just doing an internship, and I'll be done. Problem is, I have nowhere to go if I leave him. My parents were NOT happy with me marrying outside our religious community, and I'm not really welcome at home anymore. And if I DO divorce I'll REALLY be seen as a failure, divorce isn't accepted in the community where I grew up. And even though I'm getting a degree in my dream field, it will never make me a lot of money. So going it alone is going to be hard, I have no money of my own at all right now.
Given this information, you need to start organizing and planning for your future so you can actually have one.

Otherwise, you may be tempted to hitch your wagon to another man for the wrong reasons.

Men can be the answer your looking for and just as often the biggest problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #80 ·
Is sounds like a plan. Wait til the degree and then divorce before you get a job. That way you won't pay him alimony if you get a good paying job.
Pay him alimony? The man is a software developer making 6 figures and he's not even 30 yet. I'm going to school to be a children's librarian - I'll be lucky if I'm making half of his current salary by the time I retire.
 
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