[NotHisDreamGirl]

Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.

I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers. He's almost 30 years old now and honestly he shouldn't be watching porn with 18-19 year old girls in it!

Am I really in the wrong here? He tells me I have no right to have made such a big change in who I am after we're already married. I mean, it's not like I've changed my personality or become abusive or suddenly become uber religious or anything like that. I just went from being unhealthily thin to being a healthy weight. Is that so wrong of me? He sure is acting like it is. And what kind of man WANTS his wife to have an eating disorder, to the point where he would become verbally abusive after she overcomes it?

We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?

 

[Andy1001]

Under no circumstances should you get pregnant to this asshole. If he wants to date teenagers then let him do it as a divorced man.

 

[sideways]

Do NOT have kids with this clown.

If he can't love you for who you are (and that includes what you look like) I would seriously consider kicking him to the curb and divorcing his @$$.

 

[Cynthia]

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. Your husband is treating you badly. It sounds like you are at an excellent weight and should not try to lose weight to make him happy.

We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?

I agree with you that it doesn't look like it's going to get any better, as far as his attraction to you. Not only that, but his attitude and behavior towards you are far from loving. He's checked out on you. If he's refusing to have sex with you, calling you names, and using porn. You have every reason to leave him. He's deserted you and is using other women (porn) to meet his sexual needs. Good thing you found this out before kids came along.

 

[Diana7]

Everyone changes physically in marriage. Whether it's weight gain, or going bald, or getting wrinkles, no one stays the same. If he is already rejecting you for skinny teenage girls in porn after such a short time I seriously wonder what sort of man you married.
I wouldn't want him as the father to my kids that's for sure.
He is being so unloving and very disrespectful.

 

[Openminded]

When I was 19, I was a quarter-inch under 5’9” and I weighed less than 120. A few years later, I had a baby and in a couple of weeks after giving birth I weighed less than 125. That’s still a couple of pounds under the lowest number recommended for my height. Guess what? My husband thought my face looked too full (it didn’t). Do NOT have a baby with him. If he’s unhappy now, that’s nothing in comparison to how unhappy he’ll be later.

 

[No Longer Lonely Husband]

This guy has problems. Cut your losses now.

 

[Numb26]

No kids? Leave

 

[NotHisDreamGirl]

When I was 19, I was a quarter-inch under 5’9” and I weighed less than 120. A few years later, I had a baby and in a couple of weeks after giving birth I weighed less than 125. That’s still a couple of pounds under the lowest number recommended for my height. Guess what? My husband thought my face looked too full (it didn’t). Do NOT have a baby with him. If he’s unhappy now, that’s nothing in comparison to how unhappy he’ll be later.

When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).

 

[Evinrude58]

Your husband has mental problems and you should divorce him. Your weight is not the issue. His mental disorder is.

your doctor and pretty much any man Alive other than your weirdo husband would like the way you look at 128

 

[jlg07]

He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers

Him watching porn is WHY he doesn't want to have sex with you. Having a wank to porn is one thing, but he is replacing normal marital relations with porn. He is using the weight gain as a convenient (to him) excuse.
TOTAL BS.

 

[manwithnoname]

There’s something wrong with him if he prefers a 98lb you vs 128lbs. At 5’5” and 128lbs, you could still gain a bit in the right places and be voluptuous.

Maybe he likes young boys.

 

[Cynthia]

Him watching porn is WHY he doesn't want to have sex with you. Having a wank to porn is one thing, but he is replacing normal marital relations with porn. He is using the weight gain as a convenient (to him) excuse.
TOTAL BS.

It may not be the reason, but it sure isn't helping. Any man that would rather get off to porn rather than having a normal, healthy relationship with his normal wife, has some serious issues that have nothing to do with his wife.

I think if you continue to stay with him, he is going to cause you some serious issues regarding your body, @NotHisDreamGirl.

 

[Rus47]

Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?

I will echo everyone else. DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Since he isn't being intimate with you anyway, that should be the easy part. Cut your losses, get yourself an attorney and chalk this one up to choosing poorly. You are young enough to start over with a clean slate.

FWIW, we all change as we age in many ways. And what he "signed on" for was a lifetime partnership. He is the one who pulled a fast one on you. You thought you married someone who loved you without condition ( In sickness and in health ), what you got was a porn dog. He has let HIS guard down after the wedding and is showing you who he always was. If you think back, I bet there were signs when you were dating him.

 

[Affaircare]

When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).

@NotHisDreamGirl ,

I am 60yo, 5 feet flat (a little under maaaybe), and weigh 175. I am NOT thin. But I am voluptuously curvy all over and built sturdy. Like I tell my Beloved Hubby, I won't blow over in a windstorm. LOL

I tell you this because when I was younger, I was married to a man who desired a 5 ft. 10 in. waifer thin, ballarina type woman (with no boobs, and no waist or hips). Why he married me I will NEVER KNOW, because that's not me! And for years I felt so ugly and unlovable. I hear your pain.

So let me tell you a truth: you are beautiful as you are. You were specifically MADE to be 5 ft. 5 in. and 128 ... or so. That is super healthy for you! And guess what? Your beauty is not found in your physical appearance. It is in your eyes and the way you look at someone lovingly. It is in your smile when you see someone you love enter the room. It's in your voice when you sing or say their name. It's in your touch, when you hug or hold the ones you love. It's in your heart when you treat someone for whom you feel love in a loving way. Love-joy-peace-patience-kindness-gentleness...eminating from your heart...THAT is beauty!!

Do not let him devalue you in your own eyes. You are a priceless and precious gift, and if he can't see that, it in no way means you are any less of a treasure. It just means he can't see.

Do not let him gaslight you with his line "I didn't sign up for this" either. In fact, he did. He stood before God, family, friends, and witnesses and promised that he would spend the rest of his life learning to love you. Nowhere in those vows did it say "As long as she stays 98 pounds." He promised to love you and only you (not those porn girls), through better and worse...richer and poorer...in sickness and in health. He made a commitment to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS. Do you know what that means? That means he volunteered to give 100% of himself to you and only you...and that leaves 0% for any other human being, real or imaginary! The commitment of marriage means PRECISELY that he did sign up for all of the ups and downs that life throws at a couple over the decades: maybe a child that's ill, maybe a physically disfiguring disease, maybe financial difficulties, maybe a death in the family...in other words "when the going gets tough, I'll stick it out with you." That is EXACTLY what he did sign up for! (Plus, these are not "tough times." You are following the advise of your physician and you're being wise about your physical health.)

So put on a big old wolf necklace or wolf tee-shirt, and next time he tries this malarchy about "I didn't sign up for you being a healthy weight" you let that wolf tear that excuse to shreds and deflect it from hitting your heart. What he's saying is just blaming you for his own bad behavior. Don't you believe him!

 

[Mybabysgotit]

Hi, I'm here for advice and support because my husband is no longer attracted to me. He says my 30 pound weight gain is extremely unattractive to him and that I sold him a "bill of goods" because I put on all this weight after we got married so as far as he's concerned I was only thin before in order to get him to marry me and he "didn't sign on for" being married to a fat girl.

I'm NOT fat and it hurts being told that I am. My primary care physician says my weight is right where it should be for my height, it's just that I was really young (19) when I got married and it's not unusual for teenage girls to be underweight which I was back then. Also I had an eating disorder during high school and college so I really was underweight. But he wants me back at that weight, he actually accused me of basically catfishing him by pretending to be a thin girl when (according to him) I apparently PLANNED to get fat as soon as I had a ring on my finger.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex anymore, he's watching a lot of porn and it makes me really uncomfortable because the girls in the porn he watches look a lot like I did back when I met him - waif thin teenagers. He's almost 30 years old now and honestly he shouldn't be watching porn with 18-19 year old girls in it!

Am I really in the wrong here? He tells me I have no right to have made such a big change in who I am after we're already married. I mean, it's not like I've changed my personality or become abusive or suddenly become uber religious or anything like that. I just went from being unhealthily thin to being a healthy weight. Is that so wrong of me? He sure is acting like it is. And what kind of man WANTS his wife to have an eating disorder, to the point where he would become verbally abusive after she overcomes it?

We've been married 4 years but together for 5 (got married after graduating from college). I'm 24 and he's 29. No kids yet, still using birth control because I'm in grad school and we can't afford kids right now. Considering how short the marriage is and the lack of kids I'm really wondering if I should just leave now because this doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. What happens if I do get pregnant and he's completely disgusted by it? Or if I can't lose the weight easily once the baby is born?

HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!!! Do NOT have kids with this guy until you figure this out. I know you're young, but just as an fyi, most husbands love and want to have sex with their wife regardless of the weight she put on. It's called Marriage.

 

[*Deidre*]

I echo everyone else. Omg, your husband is ugh. 🥺 If it were me, I’d pack up and stay with friends or family and file for divorce.

Please find the strength to leave - his treatment will only get worse.

 

[happyhusband0005]

When I got married, I was 19 and 98 pounds. I'm now 24 and 128 pounds. I'm 5'5 and my doctor says I'm absolutely perfect where I am and she as well as my therapists are proud of me for how far I have come. But he absolutely hates it. Personally I think I look better now, I actually have curves which I didn't before. But the women he seems to find attractive look like I did when I was a high school track star (teen girls in track are notoriously underweight).

I am sure to any normal human being you look much better at 128 than you did at 98. Your husband has real issues and is complete douche.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

One more vote for you being a 100% normal weight and your husband is the one with a problem. And PLEASE do not get pregnant. You will be stuck with him in your world for the rest of your life. You will be much better off with no connection to him. If you ask me he is a borderline pedophile the way he fancies 90lb teens.

 

[red oak]

Sounds like a…oops…he has no sense.
The emaciated look isn’t attractive.
If he like that now just think what he be life after you had a child.