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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My husband left me last year on our 10 yr wedding anniversary as we were fighting often and having financial difficulties. After 6 months, he returned and told me he was sorry, he loves me, that I am his everything and he would never do anything to take me for granted again.

Things were ok, we were communicating better, we fight less and he even bought me a puppy and told me he wants us to be a family, 5 weeks ago. During the time we were separated, he had become friends with an ex friend of mine. They hung out, went to dinner together but he swore to me they never had any type of physical relationship. They were just friends.

Fast forward to last night, my husband told me he loves me but he is in love with my ex-friend. He still swears they never had any type of physical relationship but he feels that he will regret it later if he stays with me when he's in love with her. She has moved away to another city and he said he will not pursue a relationship with her but he doesn't think it's fair to stay with me even though he loves me still.

He asked me what I wanted him to do and I asked that he cut all contact with this woman. He told me he cannot do that. Please help!!!
 

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I'd like to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any constructive advice for you other than you cutting him off. He's a jerk to do this to you IMO.

If you have any family you can talk to for support I would go to them. And I'm sure there are some really good true friends that haven't left you completely... you need all the support you can get to get through this.
 

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Sorry to be so blunt but you need the truth.

You are so weak that you cannot get enough help here on an Internet board to get you in a much better position.

The best that we can do is guide you to some help where you are. I do not care what you have to do but start building yourself up so that you cannot be treated like a door mat by your husband or anyone else. You can get some help but you have to be willing to do what you can without excuses.

Start with all the social service agencies that you can think of. How about family, Church, or women’s help agencies?

When will some people learn that becoming self reliant as possible is one of the best marriage and relationship tool in the whole tool box?

Do not waste your time trying to hold on to your husband; that will just retard your efforts to get better.


Women here on this forum
Where can she start?
 

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I feel bad for you OP. My question though is does he want to work it out with you but he is feeling too much guilt or do you think he is trying to get you to cast him aside because trying to reconcile any longer is a waste of time?

Financial difficulties on top of being betrayed would really suck. If it's possible, it may not be a bad idea to basically retreat for the moment and live with your parents if at all possible. If no kids are involved, then consider yourself lucky. I'd cut the slug loose if I were you because I think he is not being respectful of you at all.
 

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File for divorce and be done with him.

He's gone already. Has been for awhile.

Don't cling to him. He wants out so let him go.

Get a job and start supporting yourself. Call up your friends and family and stop isolating yourself from the world.

Sorry that this happened to you but you can either choose to wallow in it or get up and start kick starting up your new life. Without him.
:iagree: He made his choice. Leave him with it. In a year or two he'll be cheating on her too. You're WAY better off without him.
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
Thank you all for your replies. I have been trying to find a job unsuccessfully for months. My parents live too far away. I'm truly devastated right now and don't know where to go or what to do. I'm 40 years old and invested 18 years into this relationship. We were the love of eachothers lives up until a couple of years ago when things started getting bad, ie. fighting, arguing, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
:iagree: He made his choice. Leave him with it. In a year or two he'll be cheating on her too. You're WAY better off without him.
He never cheated on me. I do realize an emotional affair is just as bad if not worse but in almost 18 years, he never cheated. I'm sorry if I sound stupid. I'm just blindsided right now.
 

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Thank you all for your replies. I have been trying to find a job unsuccessfully for months. I now also have a 12 week old puppy who is not housebroken yet so I have nowhere to go. My parents live too far away. I'm truly devastated right now and don't know where to go or what to do. I'm 40 years old and invested 18 years into this relationship. Our 11 year wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks. We were the love of eachothers lives up until a couple of years ago when things started getting bad, ie. fighting, arguing, etc.
Where is HE going? What are his plans? The puppy can be re-homed to a family that would take him in.

It isn't as hopeless as you think. You depended on this man too much for everything in your life. That's your mistake. Now you need to move on from that and HELP YOURSELF out.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Where is HE going? What are his plans? The puppy can be re-homed to a family that would take him in.

It isn't as hopeless as you think. You depended on this man too much for everything in your life. That's your mistake. Now you need to move on from that and HELP YOURSELF out.
He hasn't said he plans to leave yet or much of anything. He just lost a very close family member a few days ago to cancer and he's also battling a drug addiction which I thought was done with, but apparently not as I found crushed pills and rolled up dollars.
 

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explore your options. Go live with ur family or friends. If you cant do that why not live with him till u find a job? this is the least he can do for you after all these years. U can't change his feelings..
 

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He hasn't said he plans to leave yet or much of anything. He just lost a very close family member a few days ago to cancer and he's also battling a drug addiction which I thought was done with, but apparently not as I found crushed pills and rolled up dollars in his bathroom. Everything seemed to be fine with us until he lost this family member a few days ago so I haven't had much time to think about anything. And also why I'm so confused.
Losing a family member is tragic. Certainly he's grieving and that's got to be hard for you both...

That said. I'm alarmed by the bolded above. I suspect it may have to do with why people have disappeared from your life. You let him come back into your life with this going on. Financial diffiiculties? Yep. Drug addiction would cause some issues there. Fighting etc? Ex friend aside, you two probably should have let things lie as they were. He doesn't sound good for you at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
explore your options. Go live with ur family or friends. If you cant do that why not live with him till u find a job? this is the least he can do for you after all these years. U can't change his feelings..
Unfortunately, I have no family or friends I can live with. I can continue to live in our home until we lose it but I have no idea when that will be. He has destroyed my credit with this foreclosure so I am unable to find a place of my own if and when I find a job until I somehow manage to get that straightened out. This is just a mess.
 

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He never cheated on me.
Yeah, hun, he did. He had sex with her, I guarantee it. If that's what you mean by cheating. Falling in love with someone else is cheating in most people's books anyway. You are a betrayed spouse, in every sense of the word.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Losing a family member is tragic. Certainly he's grieving and that's got to be hard for you both...

That said. I'm alarmed by the bolded above. I suspect it may have to do with why people have disappeared from your life. You let him come back into your life with this going on. Financial diffiiculties? Yep. Drug addiction would cause some issues there. Fighting etc? Ex friend aside, you two probably should have let things lie as they were. He doesn't sound good for you at all.
The financial difficulties started before the addiction. He claims he started using to numb the pain of the problems, financial and otherwise. When he came back to me, I was led to believe he was sober and he certainly didn't show any signs that he wasn't. I do not use drugs so I can usually tell when he was on them. I'm guessing he started again recently.
 

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He never cheated on me. I do realize an emotional affair is just as bad if not worse but in almost 18 years, he never cheated. I'm sorry if I sound stupid. I'm just blindsided right now.
Um, actually, he DID cheat on you. With your "ex friend." And is continuing to do so. When someone declares that they are IN LOVE with someone else, it's because they have spent enough time scheming behind your back to even come to that conclusion.

Denial is a helluva thing but the sooner you accept that this emotional affair has been happening for at least a year now (he prob was doing this because he up and left you), the better off you will be.

They weren't just going to to "eat dinner" all that time. Oh no. This sh!t has been happening for awhile now. Trust.



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Unfortunately, I have no family or friends I can live with. I can continue to live in our home until we lose it but I have no idea when that will be. He has destroyed my credit with this foreclosure so I am unable to find a place of my own if and when I find a job until I somehow manage to get that straightened out. This is just a mess.
What/where are you planning to do/go when the sherriff comes to put you out of the house?
 

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Him and I were supposed to get an apartment together on his credit. Which won't be happening now.
Well he hasn't left. He would have to provide a roof over my head until I got a job and was able to move into my own place.

Personally, I would be out of there. I'd implore my family and/or friends and find somewhere to stay for a while. It's ridiculous to leave the fate of my life in the hands of a drug addicted cheater.
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
Thank you all for the advice. After reading your replies, I feel like an idiot. He just called to tell me he's going to stay with his parents for a few days. I told him to stay there permanently and expect to pay the bills he left me with.
 
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