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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi! I need advice. My husband is controlling about money. I'm not in agreement. He has taken me off the joint checking account. I only agreed to this to short term to help save money. I also agreed he doesn't have to give me any personal money anymore so it will help pay off a previous bill. But he laughs and says I'm never going back on the joint act. when I talk about how it is wrong. Problem is sometimes I am left without cc funds when I need to go to the grocery. I have to ask for more and a big fight ensues. I do not spend a dime of family money on myself besides food, an occasional hair appt. I make my own side money for my needs. We have both overspent/spent with out asking the other in the past. We have both contributed significant amounts of money to this relationship. We have a big family and huge bills. I don't think I'm any more wrong then him. He is just being controlling and doesn't see that this is really hurting us. Help!
 

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Oy, I don't have any good advice for how to deal with something like this. But I'm pretty sure that this qualifies as financial abuse, which is a form of domestic abuse. You guys are supposed to be partners, and it's not "his" money, the money belongs to both of you (it's marital funds), and unless you're a shopaholic that would put the family into the poor house, it seems pretty clear to me that he's in the wrong.

I'm not sure you'll ever get him to see your POV on this, especially since he mocks you and laughs at you when you mention getting back on the joint account.

But I found some info to get you started:

Understanding Financial Abuse & Safety Planning


Financial Abuse in Marriage


Given his attitude, would he be willing to go to counseling? It sounds like he has some issues about not trusting you. (Assuming you are actually trustworthy, this is HIS problem, not yours.) But he generally sounds like a jerk.
 

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You should not have agreed to being removed from the account. Now you have no control or leverage. Open your own account, and put your money in it and use it for only your needs - do not share with him or tell him about the account - you need to regain some leverage to negotiate with in the future. I suppose you won't leave him, but this is not a healthy relationship, and it seems unlikely to improve.
 

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If you tell him to put you back on it, and he refuses, provide a consequence. No more sex, no washing his clothes, whatever. When he balks, just shrug and say 'until you treat me like an equal, I can't do the same for you.'

Have you tried asking him parents to intervene?
 

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I don't know what you need advise on. He took you off the joint checking account so now it is his personal account. Open an account in your own name stop contributing to the joint account and problem is solved.

As for not being able to buy groceries because your credit card is maxed out, (that's what I assume you mean) you need to re-consider your budget. You are both still over-spending. Your credit card balance should be paid off every months to avoid accumulating interest change. If you have a large family and not enough income then most essential food supplies should qualify for public assistance, so what exactly are you buying?

Finally, nobody should be making the argument, "He is more wrong than I am". You should be striving for "right" not "less wrong".
 

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Lets put aside the fact that this is pretty much abuse....not to mention WTF????

Does he expect there to be food in the house?

Does he expect all the household bills to be paid?

Does he expect to have serviceable clothing, dishes, poys, pans, towels, etc.....? This stuff doesnt appear by magic.

I would suggest....let him live in his dictatorship for a couple of weeks...see how he likes taking care of his chores and yours. When you need grocery items...send him a list. When you need household items...send him a list.

Allow him to punish himself for his hubris.
 

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I have the same problem. I had to take her off the joint account because she was constantly draining the account for things we didn't need and made us unable to pay bills. I got to the point I couldn't pay the mortgage or the car payment so I had to do something. She makes money at her job and spends all that not offering to pay any bills. Before I asked her to get married, I knew that we would not make it on one income and she agreed that we would pool our incomes so we could. Now I'm forced to make things work on one income.

It's important that you resolve this, it's caused my marriage to be horrible for the last 20 years. You should ask that a fair budget be made and that both of you agree to stick to it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Thank you all so much! Please any more help/advice is appreciated. We are actually in counseling. My husband makes good money but is in a profession where we have to wait 7+ years for investments to sell. (self employed) so it is very hard to figure out payment streams. Feast or famine type thing. We have a big family, kids in private schools. (I never wanted to send them all there for so many years, I wanted to send them to regular elementary since we pay tax for that). I fought it and he told me well then we would have to sell our house which I love). I made down payments for cars and the home. We disagree about how money is spent. Personally, I would drop the club (he golfs, I never go), fitness, whatever too. I cleaned my own home for years, tried mowing the lawn ,etc. Any way I could to help. I have spent every dime of my inheritance to help pay for these bills. I even started a business from home to help pay for things. Yes, I did make sure some of my inheritance was at least going to go into nice furniture and nice things for our family. For 20 years I've resented the fact that I had to dole out my money on things I didn't agree with. By the way, most of the money he made has been re-invested in his company and paid for bills.

I made my own checking account a few months ago. I put money I earn from my home-business in there for things I need or to reinvest in my business. For emergencies when he doesn't give me enough and he's out of town. I feel like the family money should pay for food and expenses. Esp. since I've given everything I had for 20 years and look where it got me... kicked off the joint checking.
 

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I have the same problem. I had to take her off the joint account because she was constantly draining the account for things we didn't need and made us unable to pay bills. I got to the point I couldn't pay the mortgage or the car payment so I had to do something. She makes money at her job and spends all that not offering to pay any bills. Before I asked her to get married, I knew that we would not make it on one income and she agreed that we would pool our incomes so we could. Now I'm forced to make things work on one income.

It's important that you resolve this, it's caused my marriage to be horrible for the last 20 years. You should ask that a fair budget be made and that both of you agree to stick to it.
OP, your husband sounds like he is unusually controlling although I work with a guy that gives his wife no account access because she was financially irresponsible in the past and almost put them under. Have you been financially irresponsible in the past?

My XWW was...

Like you JB, mine was spending every dime she could get her hands on and even opened up credit cards in my name, with out my knowledge, and wracked up balances. She worked worked time but would not contribute a cent to the joint account...Her money was her money, my money was our money. I threatened to remove her from the account. She flew into a rage! I found out about the same time that she was cheating.

Divorcing her took care of both problems.
 

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Her money was her money, my money was our money. I threatened to remove her from the account. She flew into a rage! I found out about the same time that she was cheating.

Divorcing her took care of both problems.
If I can get her to be more financially responsible that might be all that's left for me to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I guess we were both somewhat financially irresponsible in the past. We had other money we could use. So now we have really tightened up our budget (I'm so careful now, basically all I buy is food. I put off repairs, etc.) but its not like I'm so much worse than him. I offered to go off the checking account bc he made me feel horrible about an old credit card I had that I couldn't pay off. I relinquished any monthly money he was giving me. But that same month he went out and bought a bike for thousands of dollars. (as much as my cc bill!).

I feel like I'm the one who feels guilty and bad but he sure doesn't. I resent it. We are still attracted to each other. He just makes me feel like **** about myself. I know I am trustworthy and responsible.
 

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I am sure that this is only one of many things that are problems in your marriage. What does your counselor say about it?

I have a feeling that you have contributed to this decision of his in some way. He decided to take this drastic action for some reason. You say you had to spend your 'inheritance' on needs while he reinvested in his business? Did you discuss these decisions?

My advice is that the two of you separate your finances. My husband and I have separate bank accounts and certain bills we each are responsible for. We never - and I do mean never - argue about money. Ever.
 

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Unless you are unable to control your own spending, in which case seek counseling, his removing you from the account is not a way to save money. A married couple should have some level of agreement on all large expenses.

Your later post seems to suggest that you spen more money than you incomes can support. If that is true, you guys need to budget and stay within that budget.

If you spent money on "nice furniture" and you are tight on money, then you are not budgeting well. The sad reality is that when money is limited, there are things you simple cannot have.

Just keep in mind that there are people out there with more money than you can imagine - and people with less than you can imagine.
 

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Get a real job that pays good money and use that for your own expenses.

Doesn't solve the underlying problem which is a complete lack of communication, extremely controlling and inconsiderate behavior on his part, and your willingness to dole out his rules as he sees fit but it could solve the immediate issue.

Now I'm forced to make things work on one income.
Well, you're not forced to. You allow her to get away with it.
 

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Well, you're not forced to. You allow her to get away with it.
It's either that or divorce. We've been down this road for 20 years and there's no middle ground. In a divorce I would lose practically everything and be giving everything to her, which is the way it was. Now that I've cut her off from spending my money, I can at least pay the mortgage and the car payment without having to worry too much. Much better than a shabby old apartment in the bad side of town. Yes, I know my choice... so don't ***** about it.
 

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MrsMarriedDude is not great with money...to put it kindly. So I get that aspect. I really do. However, the day to day must drive on. Life must happen, the family must be cared for. My solution was fairly simple...and may work for you.

We have a "HouseKeeping" Account that is Joint. I place all of the anticipated funds for Household expenses into it every month (+20%) by the 3rd. She uses this for all household related items -however she deems appropriate.

She has a personal Account that I have access to...All of her earning go there (as she chooses). I additionally place a reasonable amount of $$ into monthly for her anticipated personal needs and to use otherwise as she deems appropriate (We are somewhat feast of famine as well...so it varies between 500 to 1000 -She is alerted to the deposit every month).

I have a couple of accounts that she does not have complete access to. These are the war chests that I use for Mortgages, Ins, whatever. While she doesn't have access to these...She has Power of Atty specific to these accounts, activated if I am dead or incapacitated. My Business Partner will liquidate all of my assets (upon my death) -not including things I use which are owned by our family trust (House, Land, etc). The result of which will be divided 50% to her...and 50% becomes the property of the trust.

While she does not have complete impunity/access to everything. She has more than she will need to care for herself at all times. She wants for nothing, by design. I simply refuse to use assets as a means of control...it frames them the wrong way. Money and Assets are tools used to assure everyone's survival and comfort.

Regardless of what you amy or may not have done that brings your husband to this hardline stance. I don't believe that this course of action either remedies the situation or enhances trust on either side. Counseling, should continue to examine these areas. Him taking complete control -also forces him to take COMPLETE responsibility/accountability for all aspects of your family life from the small items to the big ones. This is not sustainable nor is it even desirable in the short term.
 

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It sounds to me like he is trying to control you in any way possible. It's hard to go back on the agreement to take you off the account because you agreed to it. Can you work a full-time job and open your own account? If it were me I'd be doing whatever it took to gain my independence because it seems he enjoys having the upper hand on you.
 
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