My husband (M/40) has seemed so unhappy for the past few months. I (F/38) assumed it was due to work stress. Our daughter is now 5yo and he revealed to me last night that he never wanted to have kids and I pushed him to have one. He loves our daughter but also feels like she's ruined his life and now he's doomed to be unhappy and to just deal with it. He loves me and he doesn't want to leave me or end the marriage. But how can I live like this knowing he's unhappy everyday?
Husband regrets having kids
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Is it true, did you push him to have a child?
At the end of the day, he made that choice - he has to live with it. Is he a good dad? If not then your child is probably better off if you divorce and let your husband go his own way.
It's also possible that he's struggling with his mental health and that this is causing or worsening how he feels.
Either way, no more children with this man unless something changes (like treatment for depression). You both know he doesn't want more kids, so you both need to be responsible and prevent another pregnancy.
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May be mid-life crisis slipping in. It's a real thing and sometimes it affects some more than others. Combine it with work stress and it can really do a number on a man. All I can offer is what my wife did when I went through something similar. Be patient and understanding with him. When he is home, make sure that home is a nice place to come home to. Be loving and let him know that he is loved. The last thing he needs right now is a nagging wife who is short with him. Plan date nights with just the two of you. Put on something cute and sit on his lap. Plan family time with your daughter. Find out if there is something in particular that he thinks he is going to miss out on. This will probably pass, but you will need to be patient and loving.
I didn't push him to have a child. He just knew how much I wanted to have kids and I guess he did it for me. We have already gone through the "no more kids" talk.
As for being a good dad, he does what he needs to do and he takes care of us. But if you ask him to voluntarily spend time with his daughter he won't do it.
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Has he always been that way? Or was he more involved at one point?
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Its just me, but nobody told him to let his sperm loose if he didn't want to have kids. It's a responsibility you take seriously. That's an immature guy talking, I don't care if he didn't want to, he has a kid now. He has to deal with it.
I feel like there was a point where he tried harder but maybe he was trying to convince himself that things would change/get better. His actions with her have always seemed to lack something. He just seems like an empty shell interacting with her.
Is he repeating how his father was to him?
No, his father is completely involved and loves and deeply cares for all his children.
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This is so sad and common.
With a child, it restricts many of the fun activities that a couple can do.
Two solutions:
a) Give him as much sex as he can stand.
b) Get a babysitter and go on dates and do those things he misses.
It is ironic and hurtful, that you must do this, when he is the unhappy person.
Try it anyway.
I agree with the mid-life crisis tenet.
He is getting itchy feet, yearning balls, and he is now just getting that dreaded fear of aging.
He also may be suffering with depression.
With a child, it restricts many of the fun activities that a couple can do.
Two solutions:
a) Give him as much sex as he can stand.
b) Get a babysitter and go on dates and do those things he misses.
It is ironic and hurtful, that you must do this, when he is the unhappy person.
Try it anyway.
I agree with the mid-life crisis tenet.
He is getting itchy feet, yearning balls, and he is now just getting that dreaded fear of aging.
He also may be suffering with depression.
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It sounds like a midlife crisis. He has unmet needs that are coming up for attention. If you can both pay attention and try to meet more of his needs that will really help. (He may need to go through a process of figuring out what they are if he has been a nice guy all his life.) The other side you guys could have a deeper, stronger relationship. My husband didnt like our kids for months while he was going through something similar. Now he loves them as much or more than ever and likes them too.
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Well, then your reciprocation should be to give him what he wanted to have, and that was YOU. When my wife became mommy, she forgot all about being wifey. I became the pack mule whose sole purpose was to PROVIDE for her and for THE KIDS. EVERYTHING was THE KIDS. NOTHING was me. I was simply a basinette and a white picket fence. A functional appliance. This contributed greatly to my round with mid-life-crisis. My wife and my kids swam in the pool, I cleaned and fixed the pool. I didn't have time to swim in it because I had two jobs so that she could be SAHM. I parked my Volkswagon Beetle on the street and rode to work with exhaust fumes coming in from rusted out heater cores through my defroster so she could park her debt-secured gas guzzling boat in the concrete driveway.
That is all you can ever expect. You may very well thank God for it. He sacrificed FOR YOU. There are utter millions of "dads" who DO NOT do what they need to do and DO NOT take care of their wives and kids, and who couldn't care ****ing less about their wife's motivation, goals, and fulfillment in life. Consider yourself blessed.
If you really want to help your husband, spend time with him. Have sex with him. Go places with him. Do things with him. NOT KIDS. NOT IN-LAWS, not friends, HIM. ONLY. Formulaic success.
I have to admit, that was me. I did what I SHOULD, but it was far more lip-service than heart service.
Many times, that is precisely where it leads. It's usually an empty, fake, hollow shell of a woman who gives him attention, praise, and who wants to go to bed with him, at least for now, until she can "get" him and prove that she is "better than" you.
Yes. After years, the fatalistic view takes over. He sees himself getting older, less able to compete, and the bills and the responsibilities are just, by God, relentless, and he has FAILED. Failed to achieve the happiness he wanted. Failed to achieve the success he wanted. Failed to even get his wife's attention.
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Uh, no. That's the bare minimum that should be expected. A father should be more than just a paycheck and occasional babysitter.
I
It's a good job she has one caring father figure at least.
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Well, he would still have to work and pay bills and have responsibilities like every other adult in the world, even if he didn't have a family. Sometimes, people don't recognize that fact and blame all their disappointments, stress, fatigue, etc. on the family.
Maybe he is burned out and needs a break.
Maybe he is burned out and needs a break.
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But you can for your daughter. Teach her that she may grow up not having "the best" dad, but that she is growing up having a GOOD dad.....and that beyond about age 18, it is going to be irrelevant whether her dad was good, bad, indifferent. It is going to then become SOLELY HER RESPONSIBILITY what she does with HER OWN life. She should accept what her dad gives with thankfulness, and seek her own remedies for his deficiencies.
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